Moments of Clarity

There are times in a man's life when he is brought to the lowest of lows. Theses times are really shaping of a mans character and strength. They can either bring out the best features of a man or make him collapse. In either case, the man will grow. I have been reading Problems of Pain by C.S. Lewis and although I have known a fair portion of it already, a lot of revelation has come from it. Sometimes his style of writing can be incredibly hard to understand, especially in bed waiting for sleep to come, but it is very enjoyable for the most part.

The problem with pain is this. If God loves us, then why is there so much pain and suffering. This is a complex question and one that many people ask in their lifetime. The answer lies in free will. It seems so simple but this is barely the cap of the iceberg. I really don't have time to get into it here, but I recommend that you read the book sometime. One part that stuck out to me in particular is the fact that if God is good, and fallen man is in such a state that we love things that are not necessarily from God, then our way of thinking isn't right. At this point you are probably thinking...duh...but...this raises that all important question of what God really wants. If we desire things that will us happy, then what's wrong with that? If God loves us then doesn't he want us to be happy? If God is all knowing then He must know what will truly make us happy and therefore what we want isn't necessarily going to make us happy. Haha, I'm not really bringing much clarity to this subject at the moment so I'm just drop it, but yeah, excellent book.

If I've been going through a lot over the last couple of months, I think the game just got stepped up in the last week. My heart has almost continuously ached from the pressure of life over the last couple of weeks. It pains me to say, that I'm nowhere near where I want to be. In fact, if I didn't have any responsibilities, if nothing at all was holding me here, I would probably do something drastic. Not suicide, I've already been there, it's not pretty, but yeah, I wouldn't be hanging around. Through it all, I have grown. Through the pain, the stress, the longing, I have grown. I still have difficulty letting go. I still struggle with my desires and my habits. A part of me is saying is it really so bad? Another part that is getting stronger daily is saying. Yes. You will never learn if you give even an inch to that voice. Abraham's frame of mind over Isaac wasn't aww crap, God's gonna turn this situation around... it was, God I don't like this one bit, but I will obey You. He was fully ready to kill his only son even if God hadn't come through for him. And so, I cannot afford to hold onto my dreams even the slightest bit. Because obeying God is much more important than God coming through for me. My focus needs to be on Him, on drawing close to Him, not on what He can do for me. And so, my dreams aren't pushed aside for later. My dreams are dead. It hurts. I broke down on the way to my room tonight just coming face to face with the fact. The realization that I must let go with EVERYTHING I have and hold NOTHING back.

There is a vulnerability in letting everything go. Something deeper than anything else. It is completely trusting God. Putting yourself on the line. It is setting yourself up for a broken heart. Opening yourself up for all or nothing. The risk of failure is greater than I can possible imagine...the consequences fatal. Why would I do this? I can never fully understand the heart of God. I am to caught up in my own world. The pain that I suffer throughout my lifetime have set up walls against the world, but in doing so have shut out the voice of God in my life. And so, we must come to an all or nothing point. Even if we choose nothing, God is faithful until the end. Eventually we must come to the point of surrender. The point of trust.

It's only in these moments of clarity, when I can say for certain that God is doing a great and wonderful work in my life. I can see it clearly, even though it hurts, God brings beauty from pain. Diamonds from ashes. A beating heart from stone. In the end this means more to me than anything I could do for myself. Your will be done, Lord

And as is my habit for the last however many blogs that I have written...I will post the lyrics of a song that speaks to me at this time.

Superchick - Beauty From Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel I like I died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the face that I made
I try to keep on but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And I'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Cheerio, D-Man