Dreams and Desires

Well, here I am. I've come to a place of realization. Isn't it funny how some dreams and desires seem to come naturally, while others as much as you work towards them, seem like they'll never come to pass? For instance, my dream of teaching worship seems to simply have been there my entire life, I never did anything it just happened and it's really awesome, but other dreams in my life, that I've longed for so much, seem as if they will never ever come to fruition. Abraham had to be completely willing to kill his dream, his one desire in life was to have a son, and God told him to sacrifice his son and give him back to the Lord. I can understand the absolute anguish the Abraham must have felt when God told him this, not only was his dream being torn at the seams but God seemed to be holding back on his promises. What an amazing amount of faith that Abraham obeyed God and just before he plunged the knife into his son's heart, God came through and held him back. I know now that letting go of my dreams are the best thing I could possibly do. I need to sacrifice them to God so that He can work through them, but oh the pain it brings, the anguish, the loneliness. My heart cries out in terror that God will not come through for me, that if my dream dies, I will have nothing left. I feel so empty at the moment, so lost, and I don't know what to do, except focus on God.

All my life I've been tought to hold on to my dreams, to have faith and hold on to the promises of God (for that is what dreams are, are they not?). I been given many different reasons to hold on to my dreams, many, many reasons, but recently more and more I've been seeing the need to let them go. Submission to God MUST be paramount in my life, over even my dreams. I don't know what the future holds anymore, I once thought I did, I once was almost absolutely sure in fact, but now I know nothing and God is telling me to trust in Him. It is a hard lesson to take, and I cannot make it on my own. Everything in me wants to take my dreams back, to force them to be a reality, but I know that even if I was able to make my dreams a reality, they wouldn't bring me joy or peace or happiness. Over the last month or so, it has been a really strong pull to simply focus on God, whenever I get down or start focusing on circumstances, something always reminds me to focus on God, always, always, doesn't matter how tired I am, doesn't matter how much I slipped away, I must always come back to that point of focusing on Him.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in life that we forget about God. The meaning behind the phrase God is awesome (and similar) can become so lost. It becomes a catch 22, a phrase that you simply say when things get rough, as if it's a good luck charm, to make things get better without really meaning in it. Damn it, God IS awesome, and if I could truly see that, I would have no problems. Like Elisha on the walls, with all the fiery chariots around. The army of the Lord was surrounding the city, and just as the generals where about to lose hope, their eye's were opened to the glory of God and a paradigm shift took place. Their perspective was totally changed. God came through for them.

Haha, I love writing blogs. Your perspective changes as you write them. Like in the Psalms where David starts out by writing 'I feel alone like You have forsaken me'...etc., etc., and by the end of the Psalm he was like 'Your awesome God, there is none like You' .I started out all depressed (yes I know, I hate me being depressed too... don't you worry about that) but writing this has lifted my spirits somewhat. Guess I wasn't focusing on God, hey. God DOES come through, and I'm not holding on anymore, so I guess the only thing left for me to do is trust in God for my future. He's got it all worked out so I don't need to worry. Anyway, something to reflect on, God's taking me through the storms of life, but you know, that if you put gold over a fire for long enough, it melts. Yep. It melts and all the impurities come to the top where they can be scooped out. The gold becomes refined and pure. A lady at my church had a similar word on Monday where we are like clay but God kneads us until all the stones and non-clay substances are gone, then we become malleable and usable by God to make pottery.

Well, anyway, I better go, my blogs seem to be getting longer and longer and I have things to do. I will leave you with the lyrics of a song that sums up this blog rather nicely. It's by Barlow Girl from their debut album.

Surrender
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me
My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Cheerio, D-Man