Grief

I've tried to write this blog post a few times now and haven't gotten past the first few sentences. I've been thinking about grief a lot lately and really about emotion in general.

I've been told that a man's mind is essentially a big filing cabinet. A man is able to put thoughts and feelings into a file, and stuff it away to be dealt with later. Getting past the whole binary gender debate for a moment, I have certainly found this to be true at least to a degree for myself. Hold on to that thought.

There are certain things that will trigger me into a negative mood fairly immediately: An argument with my wife, feeling like I'm being ignored or misunderstood, work stress, etc. There are other things that take a little longer for me to process. When I got the phone call that my mum had blood clots and was probably not going to make it, it took about 10 minutes to sink in. When I visited my uncle on his deathbed, it took an entire day to process. I didn't even really feel anything until a day or two after another uncle's funeral. When I left Australia to come to America I wasn't thinking about all I was leaving behind, it wasn't until much later on that I started missing those things.

As a kid -- I don't know why, but -- I decided that not feeling anything was a good thing to do, so I got in the habit of not showing outwardly what I was feeling, and a lot of the time simple squashing what I was feeling. I've often felt like I had to force myself to feel a particular way because either people expected it, or because it was the right thing to do. I guess it doesn't help that I have an empathic streak and often pick up on other people's emotions (even if they aren't in the same room). I rarely ever get the luxury of know who's emotion I am currently feeling. Is it mine or someone elses? I could probably write another blog post on that subject, but all that to say that as an adult, now I often have a hard time processing how I'm feeling, what caused it, how to deal with it.

To a certain extent, I am able to push how I feel to the back of my mind and deal with it later... or not... sometimes it's just so overwhelming that it just takes over my entire sphere of thought.

I guess I could really compare what I've been going through to the death of a loved one: Depression, suicidal thoughts, grief, loneliness, feeling like everything is my fault, bouncing between feeling isolated and wanting isolation. I honestly don't know how to deal with it all. I haven't been dealing with it well. I don't really want to talk about the why of what I've been feeling so much as trying to process what I've been feeling.

The tide finally started to ebb around mid December, letting me get back to the semblance of a normal mental state. At least, my humor started to poke it's head back out again.

Just when I thought I was over the hump -- a month in the clear -- it's almost as if a second wave of emotion has come washing over me. I want to say that what set it off was thinking about the past few months, but I don't know for sure. What I can't figure out is, is it still so painful that I just can't handle it? Have I just not been dealing with my pain in a constructive way, that it is just there and will always be there until dealt with properly? Am I just forcing myself to feel a certain way because I feel like that's how I should be? When is enough going to be enough? Why don't I feel like I can move past this?

I may continue this post at a later point... I don't really have much more to write right now, though I feel like there is more left to talk about.

Desperation

Darkness screaming my name
Until I cannot hear over pain
The hurt and the shame
My thoughts become the same

I dig the well of my own demise
And then fall into a web of lies
I cannot seem to climb back out
The walls close in on me now

These words bounce in my head
Saying I'd be better of dead
I listened to them once and believed
Realized too late I'd been deceived

The pain now just won't depart
A cage wrapped around my heart
Trapping me in an icy chest
Wearied and without rest

Oh God, oh God, hear my plea
Either destroy me or set me free
Just don't leave me be
Give sight to eyes that can't see

Stuck in the Doldrums

So it's been a while. And will probably be a while until I post again. I've been wanting to write something -- anything -- for a while, just didn't have the time/motivation/anything to talk about. I still don't really have anything specific to say, just felt like writing.

I've always had a problem with being inside my own head too much and not letting it out... one aspect of being an introvert I guess. I have plenty of knowledge about myself, about the world. The garnering of knowledge has always been really easy for me. Applying it, making lasting change in my life has always been really difficult. Opening up to people is... not difficult per se, it's just draining and I don't enjoy it. It's always felt different writing about how I feel on my blog or on paper, maybe because I don't really expect anyone to actually read/care or maybe because there's no immediate reaction to writing as there is in a face to face dialog. Apparently I am also good at rambling.

I won't say I'm depressed, because I've spoken to people who have suffered or do suffer with depression, and I don't feel like I'm on that level. But I do feel like I have many more days were I don't feel joy, than days that I end and am satisfied with. I think this is something that has followed me for a long, long time, hidden, below the surface. I've been told that I'm a ship without a rudder, ironically a number of years ago, and I certainly feel like it.

I'm 29 on Saturday. I'm getting old. Slowly, inexorably. To be sure, oldness is a relative term, but I feel it. People younger than me are getting married and having children, people older than me are dying and having funerals.

Most importantly though, I feel like I've lost the passion for life I had when I was 18. I'm at a loss how to get it back, or even if it's possible to get it back. I feel like I've given in to simply maintaining the status quo. More than that, I don't feel like there's anything beyond the status quo. I *know* there is, but knowing and feeling are two very different things. I feel like I'm in a diamond bubble with everything I hoped life would be on the other side. The occasional glimmer of hope coming through and fading out with nowhere to go.

Again, I don't feel like I suffer depression, just... blandness... if that's a thing.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm not okay.

Where are you?

Oak leaves for hands and wrists of glass
Grasping and clawing for something alive
Rocks for eyes in a blackened gnarly head
A rotting heart that doesn't beat
Inside of a distended heavy chest of lead

Tides that reach beyond their length
They move with all their lunar strength
Beach flooding slowly, filling every pore
In and out, the water inexorably flows
As the sea waved to the darkening shore

Chipping away in a grey quarry of steel
Fruitless endeavors, the turn of a wheel
Sparks shower around with every blow
Buring brightly for a single instant
Lighting up the sky, putting on a show

Pixies dancing in an earthy rich grove
Singing and laughing merrily as they move
Heeded by none the shadows that lurk afar
The firelight that dances with them
As they move and sway under the stars

Lonely hearts, sitting alone in the window
Ashes mar faces in the moonlit glow
Burned out and replaced with tears
The fireplace, cold dead and barren
Nothing left now but uncertainty and fear

Pain

Pain is a funny thing. In 7 years you would think I would have moved on, and some days I have, but on others all it takes is that certain smell, or that joke, or that song and I'm suddenly right back there, aching as if I have a hole in my chest. Like I'm missing out on something so amazing if I could only get back there everything would be okay.

I've often thought about those days. I've often thought what if and how my experiences have changed me into who I am today. Some days I just feel broken. I have been brought to tears before, but you get to a point where even though you still want to cry, you realize there's just no point. Tears don't accomplish anything. So you move on. But that pain is still there.

I remember growing up being told, every trauma has a grieving period. And I thought, in my young naivete, that all you had to do was let it all out. Make sure you grieved, and then life would get back to normal, you could forget about the pain.

I was wrong. Your pain never goes away. You carry it for the rest of your life. Like a phantom limb, hanging from your shoulders. You just sort of..learn to deal with it. Push it into the furthest corner of your mind for a few hours, a few days, a week. And then when it comes out to breath, right when you thought it was gone for good, you air it out for a while, feeling morose until you put it back into it's box for another day.

Today I'm airing it out. Savoring it almost. Like a fine wine that's been left to age. It hurts.

Change

Hi folks, I'm still alive... It's amazing reflecting back to the me of 16 years and about people I knew or still know, and life itself and how all of it has changed. Some for the worse and some for the better. I leaves me with a real melancholy feeling. John Eldredge talks about this, I can't actually remember which book it is, but he talks about how each perfect moment in our lives leaves us with a haunting memory and even if we go back to those locations even with the same people, we will never get those perfect moments back.

I feel like the past 5 or so years of my life have been lived very glibly on my part, without any real thoughts or goals or plans... simply cruising through life one day at a time. I've taken myself out of the loop, much like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, crying feverishly out in the night for saki to numb his pain. He too was a lost soul who had forgotten how to truly live. Will I, like he, at last find some measure of peace?

Stones

Seeking solace in a broken sea of glass
Tied and tethered, held fast
My energy is sapped from my veins
Over and over it slowly drains

Passion, that rare commodity
So rare of an oddity
Without it we are dead
Despite the lie they said

I once had it in overflow
Now it has faded so
Barely enough strength
To hold this pen

I've become everything I despise
Bound fast in these lies
The cell that holds me shows only stone
The devil laughs on his cold throne

One ray of hope remains at last
The One who unchains the hearse
Only he can set me free
Only he in eternity

Oh my Savior come on wings
Fly me to the moon as angels sing
Comfort me in your arms again
And your passion to give me strength

Give me joy and hope to rise
Until that day the devil dies
Fill me with love for my fellow men
And resurrect this heart of stone again

The Long Dark

I have so many thoughts and feelings trapped inside my head right now. I am very weary. I have wanted to give up, but I won't. I can't. Not now. I never could have. I dedicated myself to this and I have to see it through. This journey moves in only one direction and that is forward. Inch by inch.

Somewhere along the way I've lost something precious though. Something so rare, and so difficult to get back. I need it back more than anything.

I feel like curling up in bed and never waking. I feel like killing myself sometimes. I feel so alone, like no one has got my back. I know its all untrue, but that's how I feel at the moment. I think I was unprepared for this journey to an extent. I look back and it has been long and hard, and I still feel like I've barely moved at all. Like I'm moving through a dark barren unhospitable world of shard stones and bleak horizons, with no oasis to rest in. I started out with the hope of companionship, but I know now that this journey I have to make alone. Not by choice, but by necessity. I tried taking people along but I have only hurt them in the process. They have their own journey to make, and though I know our paths will intersect and merge very soon, that time is not yet.

The only two possessions I have on this journey are things so precious I cannot let them go. They are your love, and Gods promises. They are the only things that give me hope and strength to continue on in this barren place.

I guess you could call this growing up. Losing all notions that the world is inviting and beautiful. Is that growing up? Am I just becoming cynical and bitter? Life is hard. Only strong men succeed. This journey was designed to make me strong. Not my design. As with almost everything character based it is necessary but not enjoyable... at least to start. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I will one day look back at this period and see exactly the good that it produces in me.

I, the weakest of people. The most foolish of all people; the most selfish and unlovable. How you or You have put up with me for so long is beyond my comprehension.

I have been told that I need to become stronger, to become a man. It is a recurring theme in my life. I keep coming back to this. Letting go. Letting everything go. Trusting God to change me. It is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted. I keep failing, stepping back into the shadows where it is comfortable. I need constant reminding, I need constant loving.

I am on a path on the cliff face, thousands of miles above the ground. It feels like every step towards my destination, the safe path gets narrower, and more fraught with pitfalls and dangers.

I stumble along blindly, hoping beyond all hope to make it to the end. Every step now could kill me, and destroy everything I've worked for. Every misstep brings me closer to destruction and the path now is mere inches wide. My Guide assures me of the safe path. He encourages me to keep moving, and tells me where to place my feet. The wind up here screams past my head, making it difficult to hear anything above that loud roar. I foolishly look out over the precipice, or behind me, making my tenuous footing even more dangerous. God save me...

You wait for me, as patiently as you can, and the sun slowly sinks into the horizon. You hope fades with the fading light. It is dusk now, and your hope is almost gone. You hold on, desperately hoping beyond. The pain seeps into your heart. "He's not coming" it whispers, draining your hope. So many shadows have danced on the horizon already, it becomes easier and easier to believe that shadows are all that is out there. That you are abandoned and alone. That love has failed you. Midnight approaches, calling you to come home, to the safe and the warm place that you know so well; to finally give in and turn away. The dying embers in your heart cool, I have been away for too long.

I am sorry for being so long. Lord, get us both through the night. Wrap us in the comfort of your arms and never let us go.

Trust

My name is Damian, and I have codependency and trust issues. It is a slow arduous journey for me. Some days are really good but then I will break the cycle and slip into a habit from the past. Some days I wonder if I have changed at all or if I will ever be able to simply trust and not worry so much. It is very easy for me to fall back on assumptions based on what I see or don't see in the now rather than relying on individual past experience to tell me what is happening. I am learning, but it is not graceful. I am as clumsy as any oaf in this area.

I am a very independent person, used to doing things and having things done my way. Because of this I am selfish, and I don't leave much room for others. You could say that I am merely the sum of my experiences but in reality I made those choices and now I'm having to deal with the consequences.

Why is it so hard? Why am I so quick to judge and manipulate? To trust means to surrender, to let go of control and this is so very difficult. In the end it all comes down to fear of the unknown. Fear of vulnerability and intimacy. A fear to be hurt. Is it that I perceive hurts where none exist that I suddenly lash out? My heart screams in fear during those times and it blinds everything else out. Am I so wounded that I protect myself against those who love me?

Even knowing the answers does not help, for my instincts wage war on my desires. If you asked me I would tell you 'Of course I want to trust. Of course I want to be intimate.' And I do, I really do, so why is it such a battle?

I need to find the triggers. It always seems to happen when things are going well that I slip, when I lower my guard against myself. And while this might be a completely natural reaction, its not good enough. How can I remind myself at all times. How can I stay vigilant?

Practice helps, and being more open helps. Although there are times when I simply don't want to be open. It frustrates me, because I know I should but it feels like too much work or that I let people down. Stupid really, considering I would let them down anyway regardless of whether they knew or not my actions are the same. Being open helps me stay in a vulnerable position, maybe that's why I don't like it so much.

I need an anchor in my life to keep me firm in my principles. I immediately think of God for this role, since he does not rely on me to know where I'm at and his infinite Grace covers me regardless of what happens. Yet even that is difficult. Sometimes I hear so clearly from God and other times I do my damnedest to shut Him out, even unconsciously.

So many frustrating questions.

Life after death

There are two people living inside of me. One I am proud to say has made progress on a lot of fronts, especially the God front. The other poisons my mind to reason, urging me forward to live out of anger and pent frustration... indeed, he places those desires in me and fuels them with untruths and assumptions.

I am going through a period in my life of pure uncertainty. I have always had trust issues, and they are deeply rooted. I despair that I will never be free of them. Through it all God whispers my name. Even when I'm so caught up I can't hear him. He calls me to trust, He tells me I have to trust like He trusts; I have to love like He loves. Unconditionally. It is a very vulnerable place to be and I've never been more scared in my life. The battle between my two selves has intensified. I feel like crying, I feel like dying, I desperately need to be held and told that everything is okay. Not just be told but be held. I've never needed that before now. The sad part is the only one who could deliver this message to me is far away. Further than normal and busy.

God is slowly but surely forcing my hand. I am full of self made 'safe zones'. These zones are built on antitrust and walls. I have been placed in a position where these are all being stripped away, mostly against my will, and oh how I fight against it. I am ashamed that I do. A part of me wants desperately to love and be loved. Intimacy. Again that word cries out to me. The other part of me betrays me. He deeply resents that anyone could break into his castle and attacks without warning.

I know my safe zones hurt the ones I love. I know my defensive instincts hurt them more than words ever could. I am responsible and this knowledge only serves to destroy me.

This is a war of trust. Questions. So many questions. I am being slowly torn apart. And the worst part is that I know the answers only serve to feed my insecurities, so I don't ask them. I am so afraid of being alone. I know that I will be alone until I conquer my fear. But I feel like giving up every step of the way. Every step I take is a struggle. Every breath a battle.

I look back into the past. I cherish every moment. I never deserved them, but you and You gave them to me anyway. I never appreciated them enough. And now their memories are all I have. I was a lot different back then. I can only describe it as spring. Now it is winter. There is a deathly chill that hangs over me, threatening me with hopelessness.

I must press on, look forwards. Always look forwards. I know God wants me to. I know that the only way I can ever have happiness is to go on, through the shadow lands. Become a man, a husband, and a friend. These are the only things that sustain me. A faint glimmer of hope on a horizon covered in a shroud of despair. On this, both my selves agree. We are deathly afraid. The traitor wants to curl up in a ball and stay there, living life in self pity. The other, a true soldier, marches stubbornly on.

The stakes are high, so high. They've never been this high before. I am literally putting everything on the line in this venture. If I make it, everything I've known will change for good. If I don't, I will fail completely. Betrayal now would completely break me. I can only trust that faint glimmer. It has never felt more distant than this moment. God help me to trust.

"You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind." I feel like a weak and afraid child. I long to be the man I see. I struggle to reconcile myself. I struggle to make the same choices as the man, while feeling like a child. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." God help me put them away.

What is love? I once thought I knew. I was foolish. Sheltered. Young and idealistic. I had no ground in reality. My old idea of love is almost completely gone. Refined by fire. Purified. My new love is more unconditional. I seem fail more often, or catch myself doing things — or be caught doing things — that I know have no place in love. They would seek to tear down everything I hold dear. A wave smashing me against the rocks in a stormy ocean. I know they are not right. I know I can do better. Yet do I fail. I pick myself up again slowly. Yet do I learn better. I have not changed. Yet have I changed. God help me to love.

I am losing my innocence. My naivety. My idealism. Whatever you want to call it. My joy perhaps? I am a man of sorrows. I keep asking for the cleansing rain, so why am I surprised when it shows up? I keep asking for purifying fire, so why do I cry in pain when I am burned away? It is a testament to my stubborn traitorous self that he still lives in me. What a monster I have created. I am my own worst enemy. God give me strength in my weakness. Give me hope in my hopelessness.

God refuses to give up. He is more stubborn than I. "Your world will be shaken. Your foundations will be broken and made new. You will become the staving post." These words haunt me. I am being broken. I am being made whole.

I have been called a Gideon when I was young. I feel those words are more prophetic than many other 'prophecies' I have received in my lifetime. I pray that God builds in me a deep rooted courage. That He shows himself with extraordinary fleeces. That He molds me into the man He destined me to be. The kind who will take on the Philistines without hesitation. And win.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." - John 15:16-17

Fear, Uncertainty, and Trials

I've been feeling a little lost for the last week. Where God's voice was so clear to me the two weeks before this, I feel like I've been moving through a thick dark fog. If anything I have felt like I'm moving further from His will as the days progress. I am a fickle creature. Sometimes it amazes me how sure I am of God and then how unsure I become in the same breath. I have so much that pulls me to God. So many rich experiences, and yet I doubt. How can I doubt? My only comfort is that even the greats of the Bible experienced doubt in their lives.

One thing that I have been noticing lately, is how much clearer God is in my suffering. Its always those times of desperation, of pleading, of darkness and pain. Those times where my heart cries out, when I am alone. Is this the way it is meant to be? Are the trials in life the only times we can be close to our Father? Always during the daylight, my heart drifts. I get distracted far to easily. As if the pain snaps me back to reality. Those times when I'm the most lost. And yet, God is always calling out to me, even when I can barely hear Him.

Even this morning there were a few things that were brought home to my soul. One of them the fact that I have always lived in the idea that I can't. I don't have enough strength on my own. I am afraid to walk my own path. Is He letting me walk on my own two feet without help to teach me? Is God telling me I can? That I have the strength? Is He encouraging me with his absence?

Someone told me, that the Israelites in the time of the great judges went through so much because God was teaching them how to fight. A necessary skill for what was to come. He was honing a resilience in them for the coming days. Teaching them to stand on their own two feet. To fight for their freedom and to fight to hold onto it. Is He doing the same with me? This thought is at once encouraging and scares me to my core.

Balance and Distraction

One of the main things that is on my mind lately is balance. Balance in myself and balance in my relationships. I have been realizing ever so slowly the work God has been doing in my life to make me into the man He wants me to be.

For so long I've held on to fears, insecurities and childish notions that hold me back from myself. It has been a difficult road.

I remember 3 years ago, my old pastor told me that God was wanting to shake things up in my life, and rip things out, so that my foundations would be solid and unshakable. Ever since those fateful words, my world has not been a stable one. God is indeed doing what he said he would, and this is but the latest in a long series of lessons he is teaching me. Slowly, painfully, and frustratingly I am coming to see the big picture.

I have seen that all my wires are crossed in the wrong ways. I hold onto what I should not, and discard what I should hold onto without a second thought. Part by part I am being stripped bare, dismantled and broken apart, only to be remade correctly, but it is a slow journey, fraught with danger.

Sometimes, I worry that one slip up will destroy the fragile balance, sometimes I feel like I am taking one step forward but two steps back. But through it all I can feel God close to me, encouraging me to move forward, encouraging me to trust in Him and those close to me.

It is hard. It is one of the scariest things I've ever done. For the longest time I guarded my heart, but I guarded it from the wrong things. I guarded it from intimacy, and from vulnerability. I built a fortress around myself in protection. My problems haunt me there. They became demons to torment me in my solace. Snarling at me, and feeding on my fears. My fortress because something not to keep others out, but to keep me locked inside. My own prison.

Brick by brick, I am taking back ground, my heart is slowly being restored to fullness. I get the feeling it will be a lifelong journey, after all I can never reach perfection in this lifetime, only the next.

Its funny, when I first moved up here, we had a traveling preacher visit our church. A powerful man of God. He told me things about myself that no one else knew but me and God. The last thing he told me was to get connected. I didn't understand then as I do now. I didn't do anything about it, until now. God has been calling me for a long time, that still small voice, that I often miss in all my distractions. Always it has been the same things. Intimacy. Trust. Connection. Letting go. Remove distractions. For the last 5 years the message has been clear and yet hidden.

Distraction. It has played a large part in my life. I would do anything to be distracted. Wrap myself up in books, video games, movies. Not once did I focus on God. On a relationship with Him. I focused on his nebulous God-ness, rather than reaching out to him as Father, as the lover of my soul.

Ever so slowly his voice reached me, a word here, a word there, until finally it clicked. Distractions. Remove them. Even now, with his command ringing in my ears I find it easy to get distracted. A little MSN here, a video game there, maybe I'll watch a movie or some anime. I wonder what's on YouTube? DeviantArt? Oh look at the time, I guess I'll have to read my Bible tomorrow, sorry God no time for you.

It is getting better. Slowly. I am starting to recognize the urge, and to counteract it. I believe that is one of the main reasons I am hearing and seeing God a LOT more now than I ever have before. The voices in my head dim and fade away, and that voice that was ever so soft yet persistent, becomes the roaring lion. The one that must be listened to above all else.

I make many mistakes. I cannot change that. All I can do is trust. And in trusting, things will become better. This I know. God has shown time and again that he is in control.

Blog Transfers

Ok, I've finished transferring all blog entries from all my pre existing blogs to this one... so if you feel like poking around down there be my guest :)

I would add a proper entry right now as I haven't posted anything in a good 7 months...and I had planned to, but I'm to tired to think coherently right now. So for now, enjoy everything else.

The Morning Free

The skies open up, revealing a hint of color within the grey
I stare at you in wonder, no words come I don't know what to say
They say that such a wonder a man is lucky to find in a lifetime
I am truly amazed that God would lead me, and you would by mine

I am not so good at showing how I feel, although I do try
I feel powerless as I fall into your beautiful brown eyes
When you leave me I feel so alone, and hope you won't be long
For when you are with me you complete me and make me strong

The beauty of this moment as the clouds fall away is eclipsed
You grace that you show me time and again is not to be missed
Your precious quality unfurls with each step that you take
I remember again my promises and how happy I wish you to make

And I suddenly feel moved to tears, as you hold my hand
You have watered and planted in this barren desolate land
The warmth of your hand in mine, goes beyond this plane
And gives me a glimpse of heaven on earth, I am changed

You are my soulmate, my all, the one who owns my heart
I never realized just how much you did, right from the start
The clouds pull back, revealing a dawn, fiery and glorious
Rich with hues of purple and red, as if God painted this canvas

We silently watch the sun rise and my heart is full of warmth
The smile I feel comes to bear and touches my face's form
I am content to be here, sharing this moment with you alone
You are the pinnacle of the moment, the final brush stroke

You are the goddess of this morning, my pièce de résistance
The work of art that is in you is not eclipsed in these lands
I suddenly feel the urge to surround you with my embrace
To protect your spirit with my strength, the fragilest of lace

I feel your sudden resistance melt away as I tentatively kiss
Oh such wonder, surely nothing will ever compare to this
The intimacy, such a rush of feeling I hope will never leave
A moment of joy and passionate release, one heart in you and me

The sun peeks over the horizon, splaying warmth onto our face
The heat that does not compare to what we feel, in this place
You are the one, I know it for true, I've longed for all these years
In you I reside, in you I confide and I cast away all my fears

Together we are and together we remain, our lives intertwined
I am so glad that God has lead me to you, my life defined
A single moment so precious, I barely breath, contentment and peace
Your eyes shine at me as we finally pull back, breathelessly cease

I offer my hand and we start to slowly dance, revelling together
This is the way it should be, the way it will be for forever
Our feet shuffle on the wooden porch as we hold each other close
Not aware of the canvas of color surrounding us as the sun rose

Years have passed and time slows, but your smile is still the same
You hair is a different color and the years have worn your frame
Your eyes and your heart still captivate me, then as much now
I still see you as you were back when, a delicate enchanting flower

A smile is hardly necesary anymore, but it still captivates our lips
As we stare at one other under another sunrise, melt under a kiss
You're my baby, my bride, my angel, I love you more than ever before
You have changed my soul completely, I look forward to more

You believed in me, as no one ever did, showed me the better way
As I looked into your eyes, you loved me and a better man was made
You are still even more beautiful than the dawn, and you'll always be
Together, just us, our love, God, the dance, the sun, and the morning free

Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-14

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Distance

I don't know what to do anymore. This distance that separates us has seemingly also seeped into our hearts.

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the joy? I long to hold you in my arms, to see your eyes light upon seeing me again, to feel you shiver in delight as I kiss you, like every time was the first.

Where has it all gone?

Every day is like standing on the knife edge. I can measure it. Have I had a good day? What could I have done better? Have I made your day better for being there? How do I reach you?

Every failure takes you one step further away from me. Each mistake threatens to shatter an already fragile connection.

My heart is aching constantly for you. I don't feel like you enjoy being with me anymore and worse I feel like it is all my fault. I hate my inability to express how I feel. I hate my insensitivity and the way I can't make you feel comforted and safe.

I don't want an end I just wish for a beginning and I fear what the future brings.

There is a wall of ice that has frozen over our hearts. Every beat brings forth more pain, like a dagger wound.

The life I once knew the joy I could feel almost like an aura has gone and all I feel is a deep deep rooted sadness and despair.

I want to give up but my heart betrays me.I made a promise. Not one but two. And there is the hope. It wells up inside me, reminding me of the past in the face of a barren future leading me stumbling on, blinding trusting until I fall over yet again.

I made a promise to you and I made a promise to God that I would see this through, that I would never leave you no matter what it costs me.

I felt God tell me, days, weeks, months ago? I cannot remember, it isn't important. I remember he told me to hold on no matter what, that he was leaving me but he would be back.

Every time before there was almost a fierce rush inside me to protect you, to protect us. "Don't let it end like this. Go to her. Make things better. Show her you truly love her. Eat your pride and admit how wrong you were."

I felt God telling me that things would get bad, that I had to be diligent or I would lose you forever. The premonition was very deeply convicting. I had no idea what it entailed and I simply thought to myself I can do that.

I was naive.

It has come true. It is make or break time and I am struggling so hard. Be a man! I am trying. I don't know what it is to be a man but I will try. Be strong! I have never been strong before but I will try. I wish I knew what to do. How to be a man. My own father cannot help me, for he is as much a boy as I am.

I know God is calling me to be a man. I know God is teaching me to love unconditionally, even when I would rather be doing anything else. No that is wrong. I would not rather be doing anything else. I just wish the past and the future were one, that this darkness would lift and we would be happy together again.

I have made so many mistakes. Blown it, to the point where I must be perfect or I will fail completely. No more second tries. And I deserve it, I know I do.

I need God so badly. He is the only one that will never fail. He is so distant. It is winter all over again despite being so hot outside. I know that these times are a time of trust where he wants us to grow but I feel so helpless and alone.

It's funny how the seasons change. The summer is a time of joy, everything seems to go right and God feels so close. The autumn is where the dead branches and leaves start to fall and things in your life get shaken. Winter is a time to baton down the hatches and prepare for the long haul. God feels the most distant and pain and loneliness are close. Then the spring comes again and you feel hope for the first time.

Winter seems to be almost the eternal season of my life.

I know that God brought you to me. I know that. I know that we were made for each other. I know that. I know how well we work together. I've seen it. I've been there. It blows me away, its like clockwork. Like we were fragmented. A mess of puzzle pieces that came together to build one complete picture. Why do I feel so alone?




Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you
Isaiah 54:10

Deep within me

I am broken. I am selfish. I try to get out of everything. I am a coward. I am lazy. I am insensitive. I am unlovable. I make big mistakes. I am unchanging.

I feel like I will lose you if I don't change. But I also feel powerless to change.

I've gone through my whole life being comfortable where I am, not wanting more or less. Not seeing all my imperfections and selfishness. Then you came along. You showed me that there was more and it was worth fighting for. You became my mirror, showing me the ugliness within myself. My soul constantly fights with my heart trying to get me to stay in my own comfortable world. I shy away from you and the ugliness you force me to see about myself.

I am alone when you leave me and I know it more than I've ever known it before. My heart aches and my soul in its respite finally agrees. As much as I am a war torn desolate empty land, there is a truce between them. I don't know how long it will last.

I am so selfish and I am used to wanting, having and doing things my way. I put my wants before yours and push you away, slowly sealing you off from me forever. How can I be such a hypocrite?

I am prideful and I hate having to rely on others for help. My soul rejects the possibility almost subconsciously even while my heart cries out to show my pain, to be heard amidst the rain.

I am lazy and comfortable. I know what is right, and I know what I must do but I don't. You shake up my world and force me to see the truth that I don't want to see. I hide from you as much as I hide from myself.

I am a coward. I live in fear of love and intimacy and most of all you. I don't trust you to love me wholly because I make mistake after mistake. My beauty is marred by imperfections and flaws. I am not just thousands of tiny cracks running through a ruby, but I am shattered pieces of stone. I live to die at my own hand because I cannot face my own truth.

I am my own mirror. You helped me see that. You force me to look at myself and see that I am also a mirror, I had long since broken the surface of myself to forget what I looked like. But the problem with that is that now I walk through a sea of shattered glass, scarring and bloodying me.

I rely on only myself, in a world designed for two and more. I feel but am numb at the same time. I have locked away the parts of my heart that truly matter. Only now when I feel despair do I realize how foolish I have been to throw away the key.

My heart cries out piteously for help, it is dying and weak. I have had so many opportunities to save it but I have drifted. I do not care. I need to change. I do not care. I need to be better. I do not care. I am lonely. I am comfortable I do not care.

It has been so long since I was alive. Society has killed me with cheap tricks. Knock offs to dull the pain and remove my passion. I can pretend I am happy by living in distractions. Only for so long.

My heart dreams of green. Trees and woods. Wild untamed lands. Me and God and my lover. The one who makes me whole and the one who completes me. Three who become one. Adventure and love and struggle. Pioneering on uncharted frontiers. No worries. Dreams they are and dreams they remain.

I want to cry. I want to die. I need to be strong. I need to change. I want to lie. I want nothing. I need to learn. I need to become desperate. How much longer?

I cannot promise anything. I cannot promise I will become better. I have lost my way. The best I can do is try and hope.

Hope that wellspring within me. It is almost as dry as my heart. It haunts me, whispers to me. Can I listen?

Will you still love me for who I am knowing I may never change?



God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?
Numbers 23:19

You and Me

You take me to the heights and let me soar
You take down to the lowest depths to find the real you
You leave me confused and without words
So many words to say and I find all the wrong ones or none at all
Without any guide I feel like I should comfort you, but I don't know how
I want to do right, and I love you so much
I keep pushing through, because sometimes
On very rare moments, you smile
It lights up my entire life, and brings me joy and peace, if only for a moment
I would rather have 10 such moments and have the worst life
Than have a happy life and never truly know you

My Plea

Icy winter veins shroud your heart
Stare into the rain as they tear us apart
Where do they come from none can tell
And the one who knows stays silent as well

Onlookers see only what they want
But the smiling face is only a front
This frozen heart is hidden away
Joy and hope gone forgotten is the day

Is there even a reason for this pain
Internal wanderings of fear and shame
Why do you lock yourself in this hearse
You are the only one who can reverse

Time wears on, friends drop like flies
Drawn away, believing the devil's lies
I am not worthy, I am alone and lost
Each word you affirm adds more frost

How can you see what beauty resides
When all you do is cover up and hide
How can you see what joy you bring
When you will not relinquish this thing

Come back to us don't lose hope
Don't you see how I love you so?
It is very hard I really understand
I've been where you are, take my hand

All it takes is a single choice
A word, silence broken by voice
release your heart from snow and fear
Don't let your heart be seared

Wash away stains keep you bound
Only misery in them is found
Let dead dogs lie and forget the past
Please remember it doesn't last

Only you can decide your fate
We cannot keep you on the narrow straight
To do so only brings your tears
You have so much life in your years

For there are other things too
In your memories of life blue
Of laughter and happiness and hope
Don't forget, they are your life rope

I'm not asking you to make light
And pretend everything is right
But to see the world, light AND dark
And not hide away from us your heart

Hopelessness

I just finished watching Butterfly Effect for the first time in 2 years. I am struck by the notion that we aren't meant to exist. I have to be honest, I don't know how atheists can live with that. The overwhelming despair and absolute hopelessness. IS that all there is? Are we not meant to exist??

I broke down on the movies conclusion. Here was a man, born but not meant to exist, ultimately fulfilling his own prophecy and knowingly committing suicide just as he began.

I just don't understand how you can live with the idea...I just...don't...