I have so many thoughts and feelings trapped inside my head right now. I am very weary. I have wanted to give up, but I won't. I can't. Not now. I never could have. I dedicated myself to this and I have to see it through. This journey moves in only one direction and that is forward. Inch by inch.
Somewhere along the way I've lost something precious though. Something so rare, and so difficult to get back. I need it back more than anything.
I feel like curling up in bed and never waking. I feel like killing myself sometimes. I feel so alone, like no one has got my back. I know its all untrue, but that's how I feel at the moment. I think I was unprepared for this journey to an extent. I look back and it has been long and hard, and I still feel like I've barely moved at all. Like I'm moving through a dark barren unhospitable world of shard stones and bleak horizons, with no oasis to rest in. I started out with the hope of companionship, but I know now that this journey I have to make alone. Not by choice, but by necessity. I tried taking people along but I have only hurt them in the process. They have their own journey to make, and though I know our paths will intersect and merge very soon, that time is not yet.
The only two possessions I have on this journey are things so precious I cannot let them go. They are your love, and Gods promises. They are the only things that give me hope and strength to continue on in this barren place.
I guess you could call this growing up. Losing all notions that the world is inviting and beautiful. Is that growing up? Am I just becoming cynical and bitter? Life is hard. Only strong men succeed. This journey was designed to make me strong. Not my design. As with almost everything character based it is necessary but not enjoyable... at least to start. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I will one day look back at this period and see exactly the good that it produces in me.
I, the weakest of people. The most foolish of all people; the most selfish and unlovable. How you or You have put up with me for so long is beyond my comprehension.
I have been told that I need to become stronger, to become a man. It is a recurring theme in my life. I keep coming back to this. Letting go. Letting everything go. Trusting God to change me. It is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted. I keep failing, stepping back into the shadows where it is comfortable. I need constant reminding, I need constant loving.
I am on a path on the cliff face, thousands of miles above the ground. It feels like every step towards my destination, the safe path gets narrower, and more fraught with pitfalls and dangers.
I stumble along blindly, hoping beyond all hope to make it to the end. Every step now could kill me, and destroy everything I've worked for. Every misstep brings me closer to destruction and the path now is mere inches wide. My Guide assures me of the safe path. He encourages me to keep moving, and tells me where to place my feet. The wind up here screams past my head, making it difficult to hear anything above that loud roar. I foolishly look out over the precipice, or behind me, making my tenuous footing even more dangerous. God save me...
You wait for me, as patiently as you can, and the sun slowly sinks into the horizon. You hope fades with the fading light. It is dusk now, and your hope is almost gone. You hold on, desperately hoping beyond. The pain seeps into your heart. "He's not coming" it whispers, draining your hope. So many shadows have danced on the horizon already, it becomes easier and easier to believe that shadows are all that is out there. That you are abandoned and alone. That love has failed you. Midnight approaches, calling you to come home, to the safe and the warm place that you know so well; to finally give in and turn away. The dying embers in your heart cool, I have been away for too long.
I am sorry for being so long. Lord, get us both through the night. Wrap us in the comfort of your arms and never let us go.
Somewhere along the way I've lost something precious though. Something so rare, and so difficult to get back. I need it back more than anything.
I feel like curling up in bed and never waking. I feel like killing myself sometimes. I feel so alone, like no one has got my back. I know its all untrue, but that's how I feel at the moment. I think I was unprepared for this journey to an extent. I look back and it has been long and hard, and I still feel like I've barely moved at all. Like I'm moving through a dark barren unhospitable world of shard stones and bleak horizons, with no oasis to rest in. I started out with the hope of companionship, but I know now that this journey I have to make alone. Not by choice, but by necessity. I tried taking people along but I have only hurt them in the process. They have their own journey to make, and though I know our paths will intersect and merge very soon, that time is not yet.
The only two possessions I have on this journey are things so precious I cannot let them go. They are your love, and Gods promises. They are the only things that give me hope and strength to continue on in this barren place.
I guess you could call this growing up. Losing all notions that the world is inviting and beautiful. Is that growing up? Am I just becoming cynical and bitter? Life is hard. Only strong men succeed. This journey was designed to make me strong. Not my design. As with almost everything character based it is necessary but not enjoyable... at least to start. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I will one day look back at this period and see exactly the good that it produces in me.
I, the weakest of people. The most foolish of all people; the most selfish and unlovable. How you or You have put up with me for so long is beyond my comprehension.
I have been told that I need to become stronger, to become a man. It is a recurring theme in my life. I keep coming back to this. Letting go. Letting everything go. Trusting God to change me. It is the hardest thing that I have ever attempted. I keep failing, stepping back into the shadows where it is comfortable. I need constant reminding, I need constant loving.
I am on a path on the cliff face, thousands of miles above the ground. It feels like every step towards my destination, the safe path gets narrower, and more fraught with pitfalls and dangers.
I stumble along blindly, hoping beyond all hope to make it to the end. Every step now could kill me, and destroy everything I've worked for. Every misstep brings me closer to destruction and the path now is mere inches wide. My Guide assures me of the safe path. He encourages me to keep moving, and tells me where to place my feet. The wind up here screams past my head, making it difficult to hear anything above that loud roar. I foolishly look out over the precipice, or behind me, making my tenuous footing even more dangerous. God save me...
You wait for me, as patiently as you can, and the sun slowly sinks into the horizon. You hope fades with the fading light. It is dusk now, and your hope is almost gone. You hold on, desperately hoping beyond. The pain seeps into your heart. "He's not coming" it whispers, draining your hope. So many shadows have danced on the horizon already, it becomes easier and easier to believe that shadows are all that is out there. That you are abandoned and alone. That love has failed you. Midnight approaches, calling you to come home, to the safe and the warm place that you know so well; to finally give in and turn away. The dying embers in your heart cool, I have been away for too long.
I am sorry for being so long. Lord, get us both through the night. Wrap us in the comfort of your arms and never let us go.
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