My name is Damian, and I have codependency and trust issues. It is a slow arduous journey for me. Some days are really good but then I will break the cycle and slip into a habit from the past. Some days I wonder if I have changed at all or if I will ever be able to simply trust and not worry so much. It is very easy for me to fall back on assumptions based on what I see or don't see in the now rather than relying on individual past experience to tell me what is happening. I am learning, but it is not graceful. I am as clumsy as any oaf in this area.
I am a very independent person, used to doing things and having things done my way. Because of this I am selfish, and I don't leave much room for others. You could say that I am merely the sum of my experiences but in reality I made those choices and now I'm having to deal with the consequences.
Why is it so hard? Why am I so quick to judge and manipulate? To trust means to surrender, to let go of control and this is so very difficult. In the end it all comes down to fear of the unknown. Fear of vulnerability and intimacy. A fear to be hurt. Is it that I perceive hurts where none exist that I suddenly lash out? My heart screams in fear during those times and it blinds everything else out. Am I so wounded that I protect myself against those who love me?
Even knowing the answers does not help, for my instincts wage war on my desires. If you asked me I would tell you 'Of course I want to trust. Of course I want to be intimate.' And I do, I really do, so why is it such a battle?
I need to find the triggers. It always seems to happen when things are going well that I slip, when I lower my guard against myself. And while this might be a completely natural reaction, its not good enough. How can I remind myself at all times. How can I stay vigilant?
Practice helps, and being more open helps. Although there are times when I simply don't want to be open. It frustrates me, because I know I should but it feels like too much work or that I let people down. Stupid really, considering I would let them down anyway regardless of whether they knew or not my actions are the same. Being open helps me stay in a vulnerable position, maybe that's why I don't like it so much.
I need an anchor in my life to keep me firm in my principles. I immediately think of God for this role, since he does not rely on me to know where I'm at and his infinite Grace covers me regardless of what happens. Yet even that is difficult. Sometimes I hear so clearly from God and other times I do my damnedest to shut Him out, even unconsciously.
So many frustrating questions.
I am a very independent person, used to doing things and having things done my way. Because of this I am selfish, and I don't leave much room for others. You could say that I am merely the sum of my experiences but in reality I made those choices and now I'm having to deal with the consequences.
Why is it so hard? Why am I so quick to judge and manipulate? To trust means to surrender, to let go of control and this is so very difficult. In the end it all comes down to fear of the unknown. Fear of vulnerability and intimacy. A fear to be hurt. Is it that I perceive hurts where none exist that I suddenly lash out? My heart screams in fear during those times and it blinds everything else out. Am I so wounded that I protect myself against those who love me?
Even knowing the answers does not help, for my instincts wage war on my desires. If you asked me I would tell you 'Of course I want to trust. Of course I want to be intimate.' And I do, I really do, so why is it such a battle?
I need to find the triggers. It always seems to happen when things are going well that I slip, when I lower my guard against myself. And while this might be a completely natural reaction, its not good enough. How can I remind myself at all times. How can I stay vigilant?
Practice helps, and being more open helps. Although there are times when I simply don't want to be open. It frustrates me, because I know I should but it feels like too much work or that I let people down. Stupid really, considering I would let them down anyway regardless of whether they knew or not my actions are the same. Being open helps me stay in a vulnerable position, maybe that's why I don't like it so much.
I need an anchor in my life to keep me firm in my principles. I immediately think of God for this role, since he does not rely on me to know where I'm at and his infinite Grace covers me regardless of what happens. Yet even that is difficult. Sometimes I hear so clearly from God and other times I do my damnedest to shut Him out, even unconsciously.
So many frustrating questions.
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