I am broken. I am selfish. I try to get out of everything. I am a coward. I am lazy. I am insensitive. I am unlovable. I make big mistakes. I am unchanging.
I feel like I will lose you if I don't change. But I also feel powerless to change.
I've gone through my whole life being comfortable where I am, not wanting more or less. Not seeing all my imperfections and selfishness. Then you came along. You showed me that there was more and it was worth fighting for. You became my mirror, showing me the ugliness within myself. My soul constantly fights with my heart trying to get me to stay in my own comfortable world. I shy away from you and the ugliness you force me to see about myself.
I am alone when you leave me and I know it more than I've ever known it before. My heart aches and my soul in its respite finally agrees. As much as I am a war torn desolate empty land, there is a truce between them. I don't know how long it will last.
I am so selfish and I am used to wanting, having and doing things my way. I put my wants before yours and push you away, slowly sealing you off from me forever. How can I be such a hypocrite?
I am prideful and I hate having to rely on others for help. My soul rejects the possibility almost subconsciously even while my heart cries out to show my pain, to be heard amidst the rain.
I am lazy and comfortable. I know what is right, and I know what I must do but I don't. You shake up my world and force me to see the truth that I don't want to see. I hide from you as much as I hide from myself.
I am a coward. I live in fear of love and intimacy and most of all you. I don't trust you to love me wholly because I make mistake after mistake. My beauty is marred by imperfections and flaws. I am not just thousands of tiny cracks running through a ruby, but I am shattered pieces of stone. I live to die at my own hand because I cannot face my own truth.
I am my own mirror. You helped me see that. You force me to look at myself and see that I am also a mirror, I had long since broken the surface of myself to forget what I looked like. But the problem with that is that now I walk through a sea of shattered glass, scarring and bloodying me.
I rely on only myself, in a world designed for two and more. I feel but am numb at the same time. I have locked away the parts of my heart that truly matter. Only now when I feel despair do I realize how foolish I have been to throw away the key.
My heart cries out piteously for help, it is dying and weak. I have had so many opportunities to save it but I have drifted. I do not care. I need to change. I do not care. I need to be better. I do not care. I am lonely. I am comfortable I do not care.
It has been so long since I was alive. Society has killed me with cheap tricks. Knock offs to dull the pain and remove my passion. I can pretend I am happy by living in distractions. Only for so long.
My heart dreams of green. Trees and woods. Wild untamed lands. Me and God and my lover. The one who makes me whole and the one who completes me. Three who become one. Adventure and love and struggle. Pioneering on uncharted frontiers. No worries. Dreams they are and dreams they remain.
I want to cry. I want to die. I need to be strong. I need to change. I want to lie. I want nothing. I need to learn. I need to become desperate. How much longer?
I cannot promise anything. I cannot promise I will become better. I have lost my way. The best I can do is try and hope.
Hope that wellspring within me. It is almost as dry as my heart. It haunts me, whispers to me. Can I listen?
Will you still love me for who I am knowing I may never change?
God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?
Numbers 23:19
I feel like I will lose you if I don't change. But I also feel powerless to change.
I've gone through my whole life being comfortable where I am, not wanting more or less. Not seeing all my imperfections and selfishness. Then you came along. You showed me that there was more and it was worth fighting for. You became my mirror, showing me the ugliness within myself. My soul constantly fights with my heart trying to get me to stay in my own comfortable world. I shy away from you and the ugliness you force me to see about myself.
I am alone when you leave me and I know it more than I've ever known it before. My heart aches and my soul in its respite finally agrees. As much as I am a war torn desolate empty land, there is a truce between them. I don't know how long it will last.
I am so selfish and I am used to wanting, having and doing things my way. I put my wants before yours and push you away, slowly sealing you off from me forever. How can I be such a hypocrite?
I am prideful and I hate having to rely on others for help. My soul rejects the possibility almost subconsciously even while my heart cries out to show my pain, to be heard amidst the rain.
I am lazy and comfortable. I know what is right, and I know what I must do but I don't. You shake up my world and force me to see the truth that I don't want to see. I hide from you as much as I hide from myself.
I am a coward. I live in fear of love and intimacy and most of all you. I don't trust you to love me wholly because I make mistake after mistake. My beauty is marred by imperfections and flaws. I am not just thousands of tiny cracks running through a ruby, but I am shattered pieces of stone. I live to die at my own hand because I cannot face my own truth.
I am my own mirror. You helped me see that. You force me to look at myself and see that I am also a mirror, I had long since broken the surface of myself to forget what I looked like. But the problem with that is that now I walk through a sea of shattered glass, scarring and bloodying me.
I rely on only myself, in a world designed for two and more. I feel but am numb at the same time. I have locked away the parts of my heart that truly matter. Only now when I feel despair do I realize how foolish I have been to throw away the key.
My heart cries out piteously for help, it is dying and weak. I have had so many opportunities to save it but I have drifted. I do not care. I need to change. I do not care. I need to be better. I do not care. I am lonely. I am comfortable I do not care.
It has been so long since I was alive. Society has killed me with cheap tricks. Knock offs to dull the pain and remove my passion. I can pretend I am happy by living in distractions. Only for so long.
My heart dreams of green. Trees and woods. Wild untamed lands. Me and God and my lover. The one who makes me whole and the one who completes me. Three who become one. Adventure and love and struggle. Pioneering on uncharted frontiers. No worries. Dreams they are and dreams they remain.
I want to cry. I want to die. I need to be strong. I need to change. I want to lie. I want nothing. I need to learn. I need to become desperate. How much longer?
I cannot promise anything. I cannot promise I will become better. I have lost my way. The best I can do is try and hope.
Hope that wellspring within me. It is almost as dry as my heart. It haunts me, whispers to me. Can I listen?
Will you still love me for who I am knowing I may never change?
God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?
Numbers 23:19
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