Hopelessness

I just finished watching Butterfly Effect for the first time in 2 years. I am struck by the notion that we aren't meant to exist. I have to be honest, I don't know how atheists can live with that. The overwhelming despair and absolute hopelessness. IS that all there is? Are we not meant to exist??

I broke down on the movies conclusion. Here was a man, born but not meant to exist, ultimately fulfilling his own prophecy and knowingly committing suicide just as he began.

I just don't understand how you can live with the idea...I just...don't...

The Fool

The fool spurns your love and belittles your trust
On his lonely lifelong quest on unending lust
He runs from love and doesn't let you get close
The hurts you receive are simply a matter of course

He is in an unconquerable prison of his own making
He rejects love and everything precious, breaking
What seems good he despises, under a guise of innocence
And blood spills on his account, balanced on a fence

He fails to recognize, time after time again
The things of you, rejecting his closest friend
Promises of change and pleas for innocence
Disappear in the rain, day after of no difference

The fools sits in his gilded cage, lacking wisdom
Mistake after mistake, crimes and bad decisions
In times of dark, the fool cries, help his plea
Forgetting life and heart, that fool is me

I am sorry :(

Perfection

What IS perfection? We can strive for it or despise it, but do we truly know what it is? Is it even possible that humans can know what it is? Can we even imagine?

People talk about perfect moments, perfect jobs, perfect days, perfect sunsets, but they are all transient. Is perfection transient? Is all we will ever see of perfection in our lives, glimpses, that are fleeting at best?

What would a perfect life be? One where we could do anything we wanted without consequence? One where nothing ever went wrong? One where we would always be happy?

Why do we always in our hearts search for perfection, knowing that we will never find it on this earth? Is it because perfection cannot be defined by humans? Or maybe that perfection is beyond humanity? Maybe that perfect is beyond this earth?

C.S. Lewis, a great scholar and thinker of his time, wrote, (paraphrased) "If we as human beings are constantly searching for something not of this world, then perhaps we were not meant for this world."

If we are not meant for this world, then why are we here? Were things different once? Were things perfect once? What happened? Did we screw it up? God knows it's entirely possible, we are after all, only human.

Just as importantly, where are we meant for? Is there a place that perfection can be found and not just for a moment, a day, but for an eternity? Is it even possible?

These are the questions that have no answer without God. If there is no belief of something greater, then this is all we have and this is all we'll ever be. Stuck for the rest of our lives striving for something impossible to attain.

And yet, despite everything, despite the pain it brings us, something within our very souls will always look for more. Despite how hard we try and deny the possibility of a God, despite how hard our hearts become in this life, we will never truly quiet the unrest of our hearts, searching for more, searching for perfection.

Does this mean that God is the key to perfection?

Storm - Lifehouse

Does the 4th Dimension Prove Spirituality?

Hey there readers, I recently had an interesting discussion with a friend over IM that lasted close to 2 hours, and I thought I would share it, cleaned up and spell checked. Does the 4th dimension prove spirituality? Maybe not, but it does raise some very interesting discussion points, about what we believe. Anyway, I hope you get something out of our ramblings. Unfortunately we got a little offtopic from the original question, but you can still follow along. I am in green and my friend is in white, enjoy.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=nu20Uv5BQhU&feature=related

lol

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=zfIf1-7KEoM&feature=related
checkout this one lol

lol, stupid

lol

all ghost crap is just annoying to me
it's like UFOs

lol

because seriously look at the situations where ghosts are sighted
it's all during times where it's like, why the fuck do these people have a camera on

do you believe in a spiritual side at all?

eh?

do you believe that what we are, physical isn't the only side of things to exist?

do you mean do I believe in a spiritual world or ghosts

not necessarily ghosts but yeah 'the unseen' world so to speak

mm
not really

lol
do you discard the possibility of it?

not of a god-like being

well I wasn't really asking about the existence of god lol thats another question
ok forget a spiritual world lets talk purely theoretical maths
something like the 4th dimension if it does exist
we have 3 other dimensions from which we can gather rules for a 4th dimesion
any lower dimension can be displayed in a higher dimension
ie. 2 dimensions like a drawing can be in 3 dimensional space
etc.

I know what you're talking about I ain't stupid XP

an approximation of a higher dimension can be displayed on a lower dimension too, like a 3d game on a screen
you know the concept of a hyper cube?

yes

so you know all the maths and stuff behind it?
well anyway

nah never cared

lol, ok
so from a mathematical standpoint each side extends in a higher dimension...I'll try to demonstrate



^-- 1D:, x plane



^--- 2D: x, y planes



^-- 3D: x, y, z planes

so 4d would have each side of the cube extend or double but still remain connected illogically to our 3d minds
theoretically, we could see a 4 dimensional image the same way a 2d man on a screen could see the approximation of a 3d image
but we couldn't comprehend what we were seeing the same way the 2d man couldn't fully grasp what he was looking at

lol, yeah

so theoretically the 4th dimension could exist
but we would neither see it or if we did, we wouldn't understand it because it is beyond what we could even hope to understand
and doesn't follow our 3d laws or logic

yes, but what it would be is too hard to comprehend

but it could still exist
the only way we could even begin to get an idea is with our imagination only, not our logic

I can pretty much tell you what it would have to be to exist
it would have to be a series of universes mashed together to form something even larger scale

how do you know?

because our universe is already 3 dimensional

as far as we know

No, you aren't understanding me
3 Dimensions is as far as this universe can expand, because something else can't expand upon what is already 3 dimensional

how do you know?

not in our universe

to the 2d man, a piece of paper is his universe

how could it?
that's my point

but it is still within a bigger 3d universe
but he doesn't know anything beyond the bounds of his piece of paper

that's why I'm saying a 4th dimension could only be a mashing of multiple universes
because our universe is the 3d universe

and aside from the fact that the paper is within our 3rd dimension, the 2 aren't related

it doesn't scale down to simply be our planet

what do you mean?

our planet is not the only one that follows the 3 dimensional law

aye
but everything within our 3d world follows 3d laws, the same as everything on a piece of paper follows 2d laws

Yes, but our universe is our piece of paper

exactly

which is why it would have to be a myriad of universes grouped together
to form a 4th dimension

oh
I see what you mean
but
you can have a stack of papers....it is not the paper itself that defines a desk or an office or a dimension
it is but one element within that dimension

the 2 dimensional world is a piece of paper
no matter how big that piece of paper gets it is still 2 Dimensional

yep
and you could theoretically have different size 3d papers within a 4d world as well
but you could also have 4d houses, 4d cities, 4d planets

No, for the same reason as you cannot have 3D men on a 2d piece of paper

you're talking about having a higher dimension in a lower dimension, I'm talking about having a lower dimension in a higher dimension, which is already possible as you can have 2d in 3d space

Yeah, but for that to occur our universe would have to not be 3D
which it has proven to be

but it would be to us, which it is
to the 2d man, his paper is 2d
he has no concept of the edges nor could he hope to
his world is defined by his reality

Now you realize why we think the universe does not end
because it is the only thing in our realm of understanding
that it simply goes on forever
but it is our piece of paper

I believe that our universe can be defined by 3d space
the same as a piece of paper can be defined by 2d space
but it can also be defined by 3d space as well

Exactly
our universe cannot be 4D period
but it can be a part of something 4D

lol
but a piece of paper is 3d

what's your point?
you're trying to get too technical here

ok let me try to re-iterate

when talking about the piece of paper

to the 2d man on a piece of paper, the paper is 2d
but to the 3d man, the paper can be defined by 2d but in reality is 3d
as paper also has a back, which it would not in 2d
but the 2d man does not know any better
we as 3d men define our paper as 3d
we define out world as 3d
but if we are but a piece of 3d paper in a 4d universe
our universe to use would be, could only be defined as 3d
but in reality would be a 4d element
do you see what I'm saying?

I get what you're saying, but it applies differently

how so?

because the 3D piece of paper is but a simple part of the 3D world

exactly
and I'm trying to say that if a 4d reality did exist, we would only be a simple part of it

yes, but that still does not make our universe 4d

why not?

because the 2d Man does not actually believe his piece of paper is 2d
because he does not know he is part of a piece of paper
he is part of a 2D world

that doesn't rule out the possibility though

his world is not 3D

it just makes it beyond the 2d man's understanding and comprehension

our Universe is not 4D

lol, to US

but it could be a part of it

it's a matter of perception only
but
for us looking down at a piece of paper

No, you're missing my point

we can instantly say that a piece of paper is 3d

the 2d man does not believe himself to be part of a piece of paper

just because the 2d man's perception is different doesn't change that fact

No, his world is 2 dimensional
just the plane that his world exists in is 3 dimensional
we could be in the plane of the 4th dimension

then how would you explain the back of the paper?
which is an intrinsically 3d concept
in a 2d world

the back of the paper is a separate 2 dimensional world

but it's still part of the same piece of paper

but also exists in the 3 dimensional plane
no it is not
not in terms of 2 D
in terms of 3D it is one piece of paper

but it isn't 2d
the paper is 3d
it's only 2d to the man who lives on it

it's one piece of paper containing 2 2D worlds

actually it contains 6 2d worlds
a paper has 6 sides
4 are to thin as to be inconsequential to us
but that is what defines paper as 3d

Yeah
a 4 D object would have to contain 24 sides

if it was cube based lol

at minimum, that is

well no, the minimum would be trigonal based not cube based
but that's getting sidetracked lol
but
in the same way that the paper could contain 2 completely different worlds
both of those worlds couldn't exist without the other
and one of those worlds is unseen to the other

one side of paper is one 2D world

yes

it can't contain more than one

I know that

you're proving my point more by the way
since you can have one world on one side
and one on the other
but they don't know about each other

I never disputed that

we could easily have multiple universes making up a 4th Dimension

you're trying to say that our universe could be a multi verse...I never disputed that
I do dispute that a 4d universe is defined by 3d objects though
for the simple reason that our 3d world isn't defined by 2d objects

Yes it is

sure we have 2d objects in our world, but it doesn't define us

3D is made up of thousands of 2D objects together

we could define it like that, but that is an incorrect assumption
a brick isn't made up of infinite 2d brick planes layered together
2d doesn't have any depth at all, so it doesn't matter how many 2d planes you put into a brick it would always remain 2d
a 2d plane is infinitely thin
it's like dividing something by 0 lol

that's wrong, actually

oh?

what is necessary for a 2D world to exist?

an x plane and a y plane
up down, left and right

lets use the piece of paper as an example

no in or out

you can create a 2D man with a pencil
but that pencil lead technically lifts itself off the paper
so technically that man is not really 2D

now your getting into a technicality which doesn't really have anything to do with our subject
we don't know that a 4d element somehow created us

well then you have to divide this into two different categories then

what do you mean?

because 3D images are created using 2D images

no 3d images are created using 3d elements....a 3d image is a sculpture or a statue
a 3d image on a 2d plane is an approximation that we would recognize as 3d but is not in fact 3d

in order to determine the possibility of a 4th Plane being the creator of our plane
we would have to determine if 1D lead to 2D
or if 2D lead to 1D
but we don't know what 1D is in actuality, because 2D is as low as our minds can fathom as well

we can fathom 1 dimensions too
a 1d man would be simply a point on a line
his every day would be traveling in between 2 points that define his line

well there you go

well there I go what? lol

we began with 1D, then moved into 2D
then 2D moved on to 3D

how so?

2D is made up of infinitely many lines

no
you're thinking of 1d from a 2d perspective

you cannot create the next dimension without the previous

true
but it extends
and build upon it
it is not made up of JUST the previous dimension
2d is made up of 2 dimensions... in 1 dimension any line can only be in ... 1 dimension or direction, lets call it x....the y direction is totally different

the introduction of the Z plane is how we expanded

we were never 2d to begin with
lol

which is why you need two separate categories

ok, I'm confused
2 categories for what?
what are we talking about?

to divide up what is 2D
because inorganic objects follow different dimensional laws than organics

how so?

because inorganic objects can be created through numerous 2D objects

I think you're missing the point

what's the point then? XP

lol well my original point is that the 4th dimension could exist and would be unseen and incomprehensible to us as 3d beings except as an approximation which would still be incomprehensible

your original point isn't exactly true XP

how not?

well, a 4th dimension could easily exist

...well my original point is that the 4th dimension could exist and...

it's not part of our dimension though

I never said that lol
but you do not dispute that an unseen world could exist and that illogical things to us may happen because of it?

I dispute that there's an unseen world to the death

what do you mean?

I'm saying it's more or less impossible for something unseen to be manipulating us

why do you say that?
if we rippled, folded, scrunched, tore, or even touched the world of a 2d man on his paper, it would be something unseen manipulating him in uncomprehendable ways

the difference is, 2D and 1D objects are not organic and do not contain thought process

true, but for that analogy to work at all and with all good analogies you must use a little imagination
otherwise we may as well throw out the whole argument

the only reason it is so hard for us to comprehend a 4th dimension is because we can think

whereas there is probably a lot more truth in that statement than you know, my whole hypothesis was based around a 2 dimensional man not a drawing but a living thinking man in 2d lol

I know

Sirens and Their Songs

Shattered dreams and bitter ends
All come to collect their dividends
Security a word with no deep heart
Nothing to gain, no ends to start

Heart strings attached and snipped
The skys fall as my wings are clipped
Wrath and thunder both loudly roar
As lightning lights the stormy shore

Sirens sing their lonely songs
Luring sailors to death fore long
And in this time of solitude
I think back, and reflect on you

What could have been or what will be
This question never ends, haunting me
I cannot see through darkness now
Until time passes and night fades out

We Two

I stand here all alone and darkness surrounds
How did I get in this mess? This utter wretched hell?
The demons laugh and torment,mocking my pain
Leaving nothing, no humanity, driving me insane

The painful hours, turn into day, months and years
And slowly but surely, I begin to succumb to my fears
I turn one day, in my dark hole and begin to notice
A so small, very faint light, appeared in the distance

I was scared at first, being used to the pitch dark
Fearing that the light would strip me, leave me stark
But over the months, I began to accept in my pain
A faint, true companion, something to keep me sane

Each day the light grew closer, shining more and more
The demons that mocked, shrunk away, fleeing before
All the while, my eyes adjusted, not able to see
That the light moving closer, held arms out to me

Nestled within those arms of light, was comfort and warmth
Filling my barren heart with more than I ever thought
But this sense of peace in the dark was not meant to last
The hands enfolded mine, and led me through the past

Eventually, the days got brighter, and the darkness faded
And the warm light, started to melt my heart, so jaded
Until that day when all of the black, simply slipped away
And I found myself, in the bright, sunlit light of day

Blinded and in fear, I automatically turned and ran
Fear hid my soul, and heart away from loving hands
Arms embraced me then, telling me that all was alright
I turned, and the light had faded as returned my sight

Into another, just like me, and yet different also
Who stared, saw darkness, and yet loved though
They slowly led me away, from the dark that lay behind
And took me away into lands that light shined

The darkness followed at a distance, afraid of light
Whispering ever so subtly, that it was good and right
That I should return to the dark, for none to see
And there I would be clothed, and there be free

My lover comforted me, drawing me away
Promising also that they would forever stay
The darkness slowly began to fade it's black themes
Eventually only coming, in my darkest of dreams

I woke up from a sweat after each episode
Into the arms of my lover on this long road
Through comfort and love and trust in grace
We walked together through life's race

You may think that this tale is surely done
But I and my lover can assure you it has just begun
Many days of walking this road yet remain, many stones
Before this journey ends, and we are finally home

There is joy in the journey, as we walk together
Arm in arm we go, free, not tied or tethered
And tears also flow, as we knock on wood
But smiles abound, for the journey is good

Nothing Else Matters

Breakfast Table

Was it a million miles to heaven
Too far to hear my lonely song
Or is it just my imagination I hear you humming along
I only hold you in my dreams now
I wake up with cold and empty arms
Lord help me get through this long night without you
And soon as the morning comes
Soon as the morning comes

Save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All I've wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angel's feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, we'll change our minds just like old times
And maybe we'll just fly away
Or maybe we'll stay

My lucky doll, you're in heaven before me
You were my taste of heaven here
Remember we loved to talk about it, we couldn't wait to get there
So you go on and find your way around now
But remember I'm here missing you
Do me a favor and say hey to Jesus
And tell him I'm missing him too
Tell him I'm missing him too

Then save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All I've wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angel's feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, we'll change our minds just like old times
And maybe we'll just fly away
Or maybe we'll stay

- Chris Rice

Hope

I've been living in a fog of depression ever since I've moved. It's been diferent from normal in that it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind as is usually the case with depression. It has simply been in the background, subtly stealing my hope and joy, and draining the life from me. It has gotten a fair bit worse, mixing with the 'standard' depression because of various things going on in my life right now, mainly family issues, to the point where I would simply be sitting in front of my PC staring at the screen for hours not really doing anything.

I heard a song today from a band that I used to love called Pillar. I noticed on MySpace that they are releasing / have released a new album and I checked out the new songs they had posted up, which sound awesome. However it was an older song (which I now have on my blog) and as I listened to it I felt the first glimmer of hope I've felt in ages. It was instantly recognizable. I don't know if it will last, but it was very refreshing to say the least. Maybe it's a sign for the future? I don't know, but I can hope :)

Unfinished

So many words to say and I find all the wrong ones

Slowly Numb

I sit and stare at the roof, thinking of things left unsaid
They say that eyes mirror the soul and truth can be found if one looks
Thoughs swirling around in my mind, killing me slowly and leaving me dead
But my eyes only mirror a hole showing all the mistakes that I mistook

Life seems to be an endless dream, verging on a nightmare's edge
The fog of dreams hides pitfalls and drawing me mistakenly closer
Slipping and sliding towards the end, hit between the eyes with a sledge
Death becomes us all in the end, but what if I was chosen?

I feel and feel and don't feel enough, fear rises in its place, stealing joy
Will I fail, and will I fall? Emptiness overcomes my fears
Outside I smile and laugh and shrug it off but inside, I am just a lost little boy
I cover my eyes, willing calm, leaving me numb and drying my tears

Lost in the age old revelation that will can hide my pain and tears
I bury them deep in the murky depths, until they are one with my bones
My heart bears the pain, and slowly hardens throughout the years
As each tear and pain slowly turns my heart to stone

I have no time for regret yet sadness seems to follow me
I used to fight it off in my youth, but now I am all but spent
Oh to rid myself of shackles, grow wings, fly away, and be free
But the huge gap between me and my heart has been rent

I miss you

I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you cry
I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you speak
I miss the way you say my name
I miss the way we tease each other
I miss the way you are always there
I miss the way you brighten up my day
I miss the way I can fall alseep to your voice
I miss the way I can wake up to your quiet breathing
I miss the way you comfort me when I'm sad or tired
I miss you

Pain

Sadness. Tears. Grief. Hurt. Loneliness. Emptiness. Numbness. Anger. Darkness. Despair. Death.

I feel.
Fear.
What do I do? Where do I go?

No one to help me through but myself, and I fail miserably.
Time and time again.
Full of shame at my failures.

How can I be so full and yet so empty?
Years go by and I accomplish nothing of consequence.
Life goes to waste and I can do nothing.

Arguments with those closest, roll overheard like stormy clouds, leaving a sickening sense of dread in the stomach.

Doubt.
Am I wrong?
Am I right?
Pushed down. Never dealt with.
The well is covered over and forgotten.
And with it I lose my humanity.

I fail once again.
One for each decision I make.
Will I ever make it? Even once?

My heart cries out in pain.

Dismantle. Repair.

One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

- anberlin

The Golden Compass

Ok people rant alert.

* This was in all respects labeled as a kids movie. I watched a talking polar bear fully rip another polar bear's jaw off and see it sailing across the screen. He then snaps the other bear's neck. Now I don't have a problem watching this stuff, hell I've seen far worse...but that to me isn't and shouldn't be labeled a kids movie.

* The whole premise of the movie was that existence was a multiverse connected by dust and in one of these verses people have animal familiars. These familiars are cute and cuddly for the most part...generally reflecting their owner ie. good person, good animal, etc. etc. These animals are telepathically linked to their 'owners' kinda like the Dragons of Pern for all you book lovers or Eragon and Saphira for all you movie lovers. The rules are that whatever the familiars feel the owner feels and vice versa including death. Ok. Yep that's all cool. All that to say this

What I didn't like was the fact that the familiars were called demons ... or 'daemons' if you want to go with the ye olde english way of spelling it. Same thing. Now if demonas actually do exist, and in all folklore and mythology of every culture in the world they are painted in a bad light. Why for FUCKS SAKE DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM CUTE AND CUDDLY THINGS THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAVE IN A KIDS MOVIE!?!?!? Oh...wait... I remember, this ISN'T a kids movie is it? There's death by jaw removal. Damn marketers. 3P1C 9H41L!

* 3d Animals. Since Babe there has been an explosion of 3d animals in cinema. Quite frankly although currently incredibly impressive, the animated animal kingdom are nowhere near real enough to be using as lead roles in movies. They detract from the realism of the movie and take away from the immersion that is supposed to take place when you watch any good movie.

* There were a lot (and I mean a LOT) of big named actors in the movie, but once again, bad directing has let them all go to waste.

* The acting was reasonable, but the plot sucked. There were just TO MANY THREADS! None of which were properly explained. The film seems like a rushed, badly written copy of The Chronicles of Narnia made to scab money and freak out little children.

/End of rant

Stress

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*the sound of me pounding my keyboard in frustration*

People is People

I've decided I don't really know how to write blogs anymore.

Rambling

*sigh* I'm tired, and feeling sick,
and feeling empty.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...

Right here, amidst the uncertainty.
Uncertainty of the future is where I'm supposed to live.
And yet I hate not knowing.

I am a fool.

Sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.
This is a lie. Things are never better tomorrow.

Wounded hearts. Fragility.

I play my games to forget. And fall
Fall into the trap of forgetting too much.

I am a fool.

Dreams come and go. Fade into nothing or blossom like a rose.

Color me blue, I'm waiting...