Trust

My name is Damian, and I have codependency and trust issues. It is a slow arduous journey for me. Some days are really good but then I will break the cycle and slip into a habit from the past. Some days I wonder if I have changed at all or if I will ever be able to simply trust and not worry so much. It is very easy for me to fall back on assumptions based on what I see or don't see in the now rather than relying on individual past experience to tell me what is happening. I am learning, but it is not graceful. I am as clumsy as any oaf in this area.

I am a very independent person, used to doing things and having things done my way. Because of this I am selfish, and I don't leave much room for others. You could say that I am merely the sum of my experiences but in reality I made those choices and now I'm having to deal with the consequences.

Why is it so hard? Why am I so quick to judge and manipulate? To trust means to surrender, to let go of control and this is so very difficult. In the end it all comes down to fear of the unknown. Fear of vulnerability and intimacy. A fear to be hurt. Is it that I perceive hurts where none exist that I suddenly lash out? My heart screams in fear during those times and it blinds everything else out. Am I so wounded that I protect myself against those who love me?

Even knowing the answers does not help, for my instincts wage war on my desires. If you asked me I would tell you 'Of course I want to trust. Of course I want to be intimate.' And I do, I really do, so why is it such a battle?

I need to find the triggers. It always seems to happen when things are going well that I slip, when I lower my guard against myself. And while this might be a completely natural reaction, its not good enough. How can I remind myself at all times. How can I stay vigilant?

Practice helps, and being more open helps. Although there are times when I simply don't want to be open. It frustrates me, because I know I should but it feels like too much work or that I let people down. Stupid really, considering I would let them down anyway regardless of whether they knew or not my actions are the same. Being open helps me stay in a vulnerable position, maybe that's why I don't like it so much.

I need an anchor in my life to keep me firm in my principles. I immediately think of God for this role, since he does not rely on me to know where I'm at and his infinite Grace covers me regardless of what happens. Yet even that is difficult. Sometimes I hear so clearly from God and other times I do my damnedest to shut Him out, even unconsciously.

So many frustrating questions.

Life after death

There are two people living inside of me. One I am proud to say has made progress on a lot of fronts, especially the God front. The other poisons my mind to reason, urging me forward to live out of anger and pent frustration... indeed, he places those desires in me and fuels them with untruths and assumptions.

I am going through a period in my life of pure uncertainty. I have always had trust issues, and they are deeply rooted. I despair that I will never be free of them. Through it all God whispers my name. Even when I'm so caught up I can't hear him. He calls me to trust, He tells me I have to trust like He trusts; I have to love like He loves. Unconditionally. It is a very vulnerable place to be and I've never been more scared in my life. The battle between my two selves has intensified. I feel like crying, I feel like dying, I desperately need to be held and told that everything is okay. Not just be told but be held. I've never needed that before now. The sad part is the only one who could deliver this message to me is far away. Further than normal and busy.

God is slowly but surely forcing my hand. I am full of self made 'safe zones'. These zones are built on antitrust and walls. I have been placed in a position where these are all being stripped away, mostly against my will, and oh how I fight against it. I am ashamed that I do. A part of me wants desperately to love and be loved. Intimacy. Again that word cries out to me. The other part of me betrays me. He deeply resents that anyone could break into his castle and attacks without warning.

I know my safe zones hurt the ones I love. I know my defensive instincts hurt them more than words ever could. I am responsible and this knowledge only serves to destroy me.

This is a war of trust. Questions. So many questions. I am being slowly torn apart. And the worst part is that I know the answers only serve to feed my insecurities, so I don't ask them. I am so afraid of being alone. I know that I will be alone until I conquer my fear. But I feel like giving up every step of the way. Every step I take is a struggle. Every breath a battle.

I look back into the past. I cherish every moment. I never deserved them, but you and You gave them to me anyway. I never appreciated them enough. And now their memories are all I have. I was a lot different back then. I can only describe it as spring. Now it is winter. There is a deathly chill that hangs over me, threatening me with hopelessness.

I must press on, look forwards. Always look forwards. I know God wants me to. I know that the only way I can ever have happiness is to go on, through the shadow lands. Become a man, a husband, and a friend. These are the only things that sustain me. A faint glimmer of hope on a horizon covered in a shroud of despair. On this, both my selves agree. We are deathly afraid. The traitor wants to curl up in a ball and stay there, living life in self pity. The other, a true soldier, marches stubbornly on.

The stakes are high, so high. They've never been this high before. I am literally putting everything on the line in this venture. If I make it, everything I've known will change for good. If I don't, I will fail completely. Betrayal now would completely break me. I can only trust that faint glimmer. It has never felt more distant than this moment. God help me to trust.

"You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind." I feel like a weak and afraid child. I long to be the man I see. I struggle to reconcile myself. I struggle to make the same choices as the man, while feeling like a child. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." God help me put them away.

What is love? I once thought I knew. I was foolish. Sheltered. Young and idealistic. I had no ground in reality. My old idea of love is almost completely gone. Refined by fire. Purified. My new love is more unconditional. I seem fail more often, or catch myself doing things — or be caught doing things — that I know have no place in love. They would seek to tear down everything I hold dear. A wave smashing me against the rocks in a stormy ocean. I know they are not right. I know I can do better. Yet do I fail. I pick myself up again slowly. Yet do I learn better. I have not changed. Yet have I changed. God help me to love.

I am losing my innocence. My naivety. My idealism. Whatever you want to call it. My joy perhaps? I am a man of sorrows. I keep asking for the cleansing rain, so why am I surprised when it shows up? I keep asking for purifying fire, so why do I cry in pain when I am burned away? It is a testament to my stubborn traitorous self that he still lives in me. What a monster I have created. I am my own worst enemy. God give me strength in my weakness. Give me hope in my hopelessness.

God refuses to give up. He is more stubborn than I. "Your world will be shaken. Your foundations will be broken and made new. You will become the staving post." These words haunt me. I am being broken. I am being made whole.

I have been called a Gideon when I was young. I feel those words are more prophetic than many other 'prophecies' I have received in my lifetime. I pray that God builds in me a deep rooted courage. That He shows himself with extraordinary fleeces. That He molds me into the man He destined me to be. The kind who will take on the Philistines without hesitation. And win.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." - John 15:16-17

Fear, Uncertainty, and Trials

I've been feeling a little lost for the last week. Where God's voice was so clear to me the two weeks before this, I feel like I've been moving through a thick dark fog. If anything I have felt like I'm moving further from His will as the days progress. I am a fickle creature. Sometimes it amazes me how sure I am of God and then how unsure I become in the same breath. I have so much that pulls me to God. So many rich experiences, and yet I doubt. How can I doubt? My only comfort is that even the greats of the Bible experienced doubt in their lives.

One thing that I have been noticing lately, is how much clearer God is in my suffering. Its always those times of desperation, of pleading, of darkness and pain. Those times where my heart cries out, when I am alone. Is this the way it is meant to be? Are the trials in life the only times we can be close to our Father? Always during the daylight, my heart drifts. I get distracted far to easily. As if the pain snaps me back to reality. Those times when I'm the most lost. And yet, God is always calling out to me, even when I can barely hear Him.

Even this morning there were a few things that were brought home to my soul. One of them the fact that I have always lived in the idea that I can't. I don't have enough strength on my own. I am afraid to walk my own path. Is He letting me walk on my own two feet without help to teach me? Is God telling me I can? That I have the strength? Is He encouraging me with his absence?

Someone told me, that the Israelites in the time of the great judges went through so much because God was teaching them how to fight. A necessary skill for what was to come. He was honing a resilience in them for the coming days. Teaching them to stand on their own two feet. To fight for their freedom and to fight to hold onto it. Is He doing the same with me? This thought is at once encouraging and scares me to my core.

Balance and Distraction

One of the main things that is on my mind lately is balance. Balance in myself and balance in my relationships. I have been realizing ever so slowly the work God has been doing in my life to make me into the man He wants me to be.

For so long I've held on to fears, insecurities and childish notions that hold me back from myself. It has been a difficult road.

I remember 3 years ago, my old pastor told me that God was wanting to shake things up in my life, and rip things out, so that my foundations would be solid and unshakable. Ever since those fateful words, my world has not been a stable one. God is indeed doing what he said he would, and this is but the latest in a long series of lessons he is teaching me. Slowly, painfully, and frustratingly I am coming to see the big picture.

I have seen that all my wires are crossed in the wrong ways. I hold onto what I should not, and discard what I should hold onto without a second thought. Part by part I am being stripped bare, dismantled and broken apart, only to be remade correctly, but it is a slow journey, fraught with danger.

Sometimes, I worry that one slip up will destroy the fragile balance, sometimes I feel like I am taking one step forward but two steps back. But through it all I can feel God close to me, encouraging me to move forward, encouraging me to trust in Him and those close to me.

It is hard. It is one of the scariest things I've ever done. For the longest time I guarded my heart, but I guarded it from the wrong things. I guarded it from intimacy, and from vulnerability. I built a fortress around myself in protection. My problems haunt me there. They became demons to torment me in my solace. Snarling at me, and feeding on my fears. My fortress because something not to keep others out, but to keep me locked inside. My own prison.

Brick by brick, I am taking back ground, my heart is slowly being restored to fullness. I get the feeling it will be a lifelong journey, after all I can never reach perfection in this lifetime, only the next.

Its funny, when I first moved up here, we had a traveling preacher visit our church. A powerful man of God. He told me things about myself that no one else knew but me and God. The last thing he told me was to get connected. I didn't understand then as I do now. I didn't do anything about it, until now. God has been calling me for a long time, that still small voice, that I often miss in all my distractions. Always it has been the same things. Intimacy. Trust. Connection. Letting go. Remove distractions. For the last 5 years the message has been clear and yet hidden.

Distraction. It has played a large part in my life. I would do anything to be distracted. Wrap myself up in books, video games, movies. Not once did I focus on God. On a relationship with Him. I focused on his nebulous God-ness, rather than reaching out to him as Father, as the lover of my soul.

Ever so slowly his voice reached me, a word here, a word there, until finally it clicked. Distractions. Remove them. Even now, with his command ringing in my ears I find it easy to get distracted. A little MSN here, a video game there, maybe I'll watch a movie or some anime. I wonder what's on YouTube? DeviantArt? Oh look at the time, I guess I'll have to read my Bible tomorrow, sorry God no time for you.

It is getting better. Slowly. I am starting to recognize the urge, and to counteract it. I believe that is one of the main reasons I am hearing and seeing God a LOT more now than I ever have before. The voices in my head dim and fade away, and that voice that was ever so soft yet persistent, becomes the roaring lion. The one that must be listened to above all else.

I make many mistakes. I cannot change that. All I can do is trust. And in trusting, things will become better. This I know. God has shown time and again that he is in control.

Blog Transfers

Ok, I've finished transferring all blog entries from all my pre existing blogs to this one... so if you feel like poking around down there be my guest :)

I would add a proper entry right now as I haven't posted anything in a good 7 months...and I had planned to, but I'm to tired to think coherently right now. So for now, enjoy everything else.