Update on life

Well it seems like months since I last blogged... wait, it HAS been months! This year is already nearing an end. It feels like everything has been put on hold for the year. After last year, where everything happened and kept happening, it's almost been a blessing just to take a year off, but in all honesty I also feel like I haven't made much progress. Old habits die hard as the saying goes, and I'm finding this exceptionally true, much as I fight against them more and more.

Ever so slowly I have been rediscovering God throughout the year, although sometimes I feel that the small amount of progress must be frustrating for us both. Since moving I have felt a freedom that I never really felt before while living down south, and the amount of acceptance I have been shown has amazed me.

I've realized that the healing process is a slow one. You get to a point where you think that you've moved on and then something will trigger a painful memory and you are right back where you started.

I still have a long, long way to go to letting my heart completely open up, and the journey scares the hell out of me. All I can say is please don't give up on me, because thats the only way I'll ever make it.

Memories

Lost in my memories, I see nothing else
Stuck in my past, reliving the love that I felt
Those days are gone now, but I cannot see
The days gone by, when I was the most free

As I lay down to sleep, alone and confused
Images flash past, reliving the news
My failures, my blame, the day I ruined it all
A perfect life destroyed, stolen by a fool

Every past mistake, every little wrong
Come back and haunt me, seducing me with song
To end it all, no one would know
To end the torment, and simply go

Rain softly falls, outside on the window
Lightning flashes, thunder roars, wind blows
The storm outside, is mirrored in my heart
As my sanity, starts to crumble apart

Resolve to keep living, has gone away
Taking everything, as I wish it would stay
What am I to do, the question haunts me
Angels and devils ignore my plea

Alone in silence, I try to feel
Only to know the numbness I yield
Anything at all, my mind screams out
In reply, not a whisper, not a shout

I tried so hard, to make things right
Only to be to late, to put up a fight
The weight of my sins, drag me down
To the bottom of the river, where I drown

Wanting to forget, remembering nothing else
Seeking forgiveness, within this hell
A resolution, to move forward
To live again, looking onward

A glimmer of hope begins to shine
Through the darkness, given time
To love again, one day soon
A dream so fragile, it breaks upon the wound

And yet it remains, ever locked away
Waiting for the moment, to see the light of day
In the distant future, a wave upon the shore
A sound is heard, glimmering hope for all

Day Late Friend

Well, these are the lyrics to a song that is kinda deep for me by a band by the name of Anberlin off their Never Take Friendship Personal album:

So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough we both have significant others

Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

But thoughts they change and times they rearrange I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more then I remember
Can't help but entertain these thoughts
Thoughts of us together

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

My day late friend

So let me get this straight
All these years and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

This has a lot of meaning for me. When I first heard it I absolutely hated it on account of the lyrics. I had a typical boyish crush that I hoped would go places one day and this song drained the life out of that dream. Whenever I hear it now it takes me back to a time last year in the middle of winter. Me and my best mate had a sort of ritual where we'd just drive and drive and drive for hours on end (pretty expensive) anyway we were out in this typical late autumn, early winter scene, rough dirt road, a few forlorn evergreens interspersed with the standard leafless trees. A chilly wind was blowing a few dead leaves around under a dull grey, cloudy sky. We were simply driving through it all, in the nice toasty car with this album playing in the background. The coversation was about love and life and spirituality. At the time I had been going through a pretty rough time throughout the previous year because I was holding as tightly as I could to that fading dream even as it got further and further away from me. Simply put I was an emotional wreck, very easily up and more so very easily down. We were both going through similar things at the time and our conversation reflected that fairly deeply. Both of us took comfort in the other's company and the feeling that neither of us were alone in it.

Since I've moved I really don't get to see anyone from my old life, except in very brief glimpses. The song now speaks to me of exactly that type of situation. Old friends who are gone now reminiscing over old circumstances and situations in which they find themselves. Much the opposite of what I used to feel about it, it is actually a very comforting song for me to listen now. Of course, if you actually follow the lyrics it's also talking about (well to be fair, it's ACTUALLY talking about) Two old lovers who start to connect again while desperately trying to retain an aquaintance type relationship. Life brnigs them back together after they'd moved on from each other and it comes down to a choice to stay with their respective partners or get back together. But that part doesn't really hold much for me right now, just the base of it.

Well, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Maybe it's just enough that I right out my cluttered thoughts...

Lonely Memory Stains

How do you bear the pain
Of your lonely memory stains
They seep into everthing you do
Coloring your life shades of blue

Life brings them to the forefront
Despite anything that you want
It make you cry your tears
Over all of your lost years

The wreckage of your life
With all its pains and strife
Why would you live
With anything to give

All is eventually taken away
Everything falls, everything fades
Death whispers and seduces
Singing in many false hues

The one you loved for evermore
Has completely gone before
Leaving you this shallowness
With a heart full of hollowness

One day you will live again
No longer hide and depend
Spread your wings and fly
For hope only comes from the sky

This Wretched Man

For the last few months I've been fairly active on one particular Forum which is something I don't usually do, and I must say that I love it, I love the people that frequent it and the community that has grown up in it, but it struck me this morning as I was reading through a massive fall out between a division over one person's reasons for leaving. People look to forums to provide them with a sense of family that a lot of them don't get in real life a lot of the time. And it IS very easy to view them this way, however, it isn't a very solid foundation. It's like having all the perks but none of the quirks. Every single person who forums is free to leave at any time, and most of them do when things aren't 'going their way'. You just have to look at some of the massive flame wars that have started and ended on various forums around the iNet. Users 'get close' to other users and relate to them and with them just like a real community but unless more substantial actions are taken, this false sense of family stays only in the forums. As soon as something goes wrong, you just move onto the next forum.

As I was thinking this, it hit me out of the blue, that that type of relationship is exactly how I've been treating my life. I've always been extremely friendly with people but I've never reached out and been anyone's friend. I've never burdened my shoulders with that type of responsibility. I never got 'deep' enough with someone to even share my failures and fears as well as my success and strengths. To be open and vulnerable with people. (And blogging doesn't really count...it's like sending D&M off into the ether, you never really expect anything to come of it so it becomes easy) I don't think I have made that connection even once in my life.

At this point, I could say that I'll do better from now on now that I have had these revelations, but the sad truth is, I don't know whether I WILL do better. After 21 years of living I still haven't got it yet. I most I can do I try, yet this grates with everything in me. Stuff that I should have gotten right by now, I fail at, and all my skill and strength have not saved me.

------

Anime of the day: Air. This is a story about a guy who is basically a drifter. He travels around in search of the 'girl in the sky', a story that his mother told him when he was young and she was searching too. He has the ability to manipulate a doll puppet with his mind, which he used to get money for living and travelling. He soon comes to a town and the end of his money where he meets three young teenage girls. Each of these three come from very different backgrounds, but each has something in common. They come from a broken, disfunctional home, and they have a very fresh, mature outset of the world.

One by one our hero gets to the heart of each problem and manages to resolve the issues surrounding them until finally he comes to the last girl. This one is different. There seems to be a link between him and her and his search for the mysterious flying girl.

To make a long story short, it turns out that those born with the gift of flight were also cursed in ancient times to die an early death and take anyone that gets to close to them with them. In the end both the hero and heroine die, but they bring the miracle of love back into the girl's mother's heart.

I actually found the end to be a bit of an anticlimax after the series was building for so long, but like with most anime I've come to realize. The journey is more important than the destination. i also seem to be enjoying stories with sad endings a lot more than happy ones nowadays too. ^^

But meh, if you got through that blog without getting all depressed, then you're doing well. Writing about this sort of stuff gets it out of my system

Pandora's box of my heart

Why is it that things that we thought were done with keep coming back to haunt us? We find it so much easier just to lock everything away, and never look at it again.

I've been getting into various anime series' lately. They are very engrossing and pass the time. Today one of my mates recommended one to me... Kimi ga Nozomu Eien...roughly translates as The Eternity You Desire (although the English name for it is actually Rumbling Hearts). It is a love story between two people, and a story of life between four friends. It is full of deep sadness and joys. And as I got further and further into the series, I could feel things in my own heart begin to stir, desires that have been locked away for so long now. I had thought that I'd dealt with them and that they were simply gone. I even got to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but watching this has brought them to the surface and it bloody hurts.

At the same time I can feel all that is going on as if in a container that the lid hasn't fully been opened. And very shortly it will close again. Hopefully one day, I will someday be able to take down these barriers I've set for myself and finally heal my heart so that I can live.

Arigato and gomenasai for these words

Argumentative subjecture

I was going over http://www.gamedev.net/ forums (incidentally looking up gravity for a personal project I'm currently doing) when I came across a "religion" thread. At first I rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, ok, here we go, knowing full well that after about 10 posts it would start becoming an all out flame war between christianity and the world (as these things do) ... seriously guys, get over yourselves, either debate without resorting to verbal violence or don't debate at all, and debate DOESN'T mean "you worded this wrong so I'm going to take it literally even though I know it's not what you meant just so in my next post I can make fun of you and ridicule your arguments..." lame, lame, lame! ... and if you didn't hear me, yes thats what I said... lame! Wow, any preschooler can do that.

Anyway... I actually stayed on it for a good couple of hours, reading through the various arguments and counter arguments, most of which were not backed up by any facts what so ever. They all varied from the downright hilarious posts written by the comedic posters (thanks guys, you're awesome :D) to the typical forum trolls only there to argue everything while contradicting themselves the whole time to the deeply insightful posts from BOTH sides of the fence.

I think a lot of it was moot points from people who just don't want to concede that they might be wrong... we all know the type, they run around in circles with their logic... for instant a topic gets well and truly covered so they move onto the next topic and and cover that, to the next and the next until finally the one with the ego comes back to the first topic because they weren't satisfied with the answer and tries to ridicule it again... Bah! So tiresome. (And not being satisfied doesn't mean the explanation wasn't correct. For instance, I can prove that Gutenburg printed the first Bible but if you think it was someone else, we can argue until the cows come home about the fact without getting anywhere because you're not satsified with the truth.)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what religion we are (and we are all a religion, even aetheism which BELIEVES that there isn't a God... no unalterable proof either way), arguing "logic" (one guy even tried to claim that logic was based on HIS perception rather than absolute truth...I'm sorry dude, but logic is like maths...you put the same variables in the same equation, it'll always come out the same... if x actually equals 10.0, then just perceiving it as 9.53 doesn't make it the right answer) about it isn't going to shed any light because a.) people just don't want to admit that they might actually be wrong about their deeply ingrained belief in God or the lack thereof. b.) sooner or later you will come to the point where you actually ARE wrong about one particular thing based on your faulty non-perfect human ways of thinking (seriously, give me someone who knows 100% about eveything the CORRECT way about the Bible...oh wait, that would be the God in question, hmm ok) and c.) The way to get to someone isn't through argument (much as scientists tell you otherwise) it's through mutual respect and understanding...on which an online forum there seems to be none at all. You have to build up a relationship with people BFORE you start arguing them or, DUH! Of course they won't listen to what you have to say..

I dunno...just my two cents after a couple of hours of thinking and ruefully shaking my head.

BTW: Here's the link for anyone interested... it's rather large so I recommend not going there until you have a couple of hours free...

http://www.gamedev.net/community/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=61013&PageSize=25&WhichPage=11

EDIT: As of May 2012, I retract my statement about atheism being a religion. Strong atheism is, as they do believe there is no God, but weak atheism simply holds to the position of not knowing either way. Although sadly I feel that many atheists will swap between the two positions depending on the environment and how it suits them in an argument, there it is. A better statement by me would have been 'I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what framework we view the world from...' because we all view the world from a framework, atheist and theist, and we can all hold to our framework regardless of the facts presented to us.

In fact, these days I tend to be a lot more philosophical about the whole deal. I have learned that I will never know for certain 'the truth'. I will always have to trust someone, for my information, as I don't have the time or inclination to be a pioneer in every field to see the data and interpolate it myself. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that religion debates are another level of pointless altogether. As a christian, I trust God as he has always been there for me and that's that. I could have a much more productive time actively spending time with him and getting to know him and letting him change my life so that others can see him through me, than arguing with strangers about the finer points of occam's razor and speaking about and for a God I hardly know.

Searching the heart...

So what does it really mean to listen to your heart? Well the answer that first comes to mind is I have no freaking clue, but that doesn't hold up so well under interrogation so I've decided to write this blog in an attempt to explain the unexplainable to myself....don't worry if you get lost for I surely am right there with you :)

Well the problem is not how to listen to your heart...that comes later...the first obstacle is what IS your heart? In a triune being - Body / Soul / Spirit - where does the heart fit in? In a culture that is so love focused, why is it so important? If you went down the street today and asked the majority of people if they listen to their heart, I think the responses would be as varied as the sky.

Some people link the heart to the soul, and in a sense, I believe this is true. Your emotions, your heart, seem connected, especially in the instance of love..when you look at your lover, your heart pounds and the feelings attached are electric. But what IS your soul? Who you are, what you think, all your memories, how you feel, everything that makes your physical body you and not someone else, all these things make up your soul. So yes, your emotions are a part of your soul.

The question then becomes do your emotions flow out of your head or your heart? Almost anyone you talk to would probably say your heart straight up, however I don't believe this is entirely true. When God speaks to you, where does He speak to you? Through your heart, BUT is it an emotional response? No...it is much deeper than that, it goes beyond emotions.

When you're angry do you think you're angry or do you feel angry? Most people would say I feel angry! But if you think about it...you're only angry for the duration of thinking about it...as soon as you put your MIND (keyword) to something else, the anger soon fades. Another example: when you know something is true beyond all shadow of a doubt, do you just think it's true or do you know it's true? It just feels right. But you don't have to keep thinking about it for it to ontinue to feel right...that's the different. Somewhere in there is the answer, I believe... (to be continued at a later date, post back in from time to time :) or better yet, just subscribe!)

The ramblings of a bastard

Over the last month or so, a question has been in my head without a satisfying answer. "What is a christian?" Up until recently, I believed that we as christians are better than anyone else, that somehow purity in Christ makes us worthy. I would not have thought so, in fact I would have denied it profusely...if anyone asked me, I would have said we were no different, but subconsiously it was there. I had all the answers and the knowledge I needed to justify my existance and if I did anything wrong, well, God forgave me. I did try to do the right thing and fix myself of any problems that I might have, but of course no one can simply fix themselves. I created law and tried to adhere to it, but no one can live under law.

I ended up a mess. Outwardly I was fine, not a problem in the world, I was looked up to and respected my everyone I knew, even my closest friends didn't know what was going on, but inside, where's it's really important, I didn't even know myself anymore. I was so wrapped up in maintaining the kingdom that I'd built for myself, and defining who I was in what I did, being as busy as I could physically handle, trying to deal with my problems and failing every time. If you had have asked me how are you going? Yeah, not too bad, was my standard reply, and I even fooled myself into believing it. I knew there was something terribly wrong though, deep down, I wasn't being fufilled in anything anymore, my relationship with God was crumbling and everything around me was becoming more and more meaningless. God gave me ample opportunities to escape but I in my pride kept shutting Him out and trying to handle it myself and after a why my heart became numb, I simply couldn't feel it anymore.

Until finally one day, God gave me a wake up call, a reality check, whatever you want to call it, and a lot of things happened. I woke up at that point, and even though I tried to deny what a fool I had been at first, I knew it, everyone knew it, and eventually I had to simply admit my guilt. I did nothing for a while, simply trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do with my freedom. Eventually, although I still wanted to fix everything myself, I could see God telling me to let go, so I ended up leaving the remains of my life.

There is a thing that the aboriginals do as an initiation called walkabout, where one leaves everything and simply walks. The rules are that you cannot come back until you have found yourself and had a long chat. The purpose behind this is that so often humans in their busy lives define who they are by what they are, i.e. Jim's a builder...he builds stuff. Sounds pretty typical of how we describe someone...I'm an artist I can do amazingly creative works...not necesarily of genius, but satisfyingly creative. What happens when you take that away...what happens to Jim if he suddenly isn't a builder anymore? His very purpose in life is suddenly taken away, leaving him stranded. You see the problem with defining yourself by what you do, is that you don't know who YOU are anymore, so the question becomes...who am I? Thus the walkabout is intended to drive you away from your business, your defined norms, your qualifications, everything that might distract you from yourself and lets you rediscover your inner being or your heart. When the aboriginal boy goes and discovers himself, he comes back to the tribe as a man, knowing full well who he is.

Along the way the question came up "what is a christian?" Despite everything that had happened I knew that I was christian, despite the fact that I had failed miserably, and ruined myself, despite the fact that I didn't feel worthy to call myself christian and hadn't for a couple of months. Unlike many people, I don't get sudden light bulbs over my head turn on...I get brief glimpses of an answer for split seconds and then gone like the wind, leaving me frustrated and unable to answer, until finally enough time passes that I can finally see the big picture and I have an answer. The phrase I am a christian is actually a misnomer, and takes people away from the real answer to the question. 1 Corinthians 6:7-11 says (NKJ):

7 Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8 No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

And such were some of you, but you have been justified in Christ. There is only one fundamental difference between christians and non-christians. We've all made the same mistakes and have the same potential to destroy lives, create chaos. To take a phrase from the mathematical rule book...the lowest common denominator...everyone one of us is capable of the very worst things that humans have done. No matter how much we deny it, deep down we know it is true. Humans are a fallen race, always on the lookout for something to take them back to the glory of creation. The ONLY difference between non-christians and christians is a single word. "Yes". A christian has accepted Christ's free gift of salvation. His or her shame is taken away for all time in the eyes of God. When one accepts Christ into their lives they are not saying everything is better now, I will never have problems again and in face, this is true...nothing does change except that now there is hope for the future and that can never be taken away.

Everything to do with nothing and all in between

Well, being that I haven't written a blog in many suns, I decided to fly in inspiration and vanish into the murky depths of my dusty old blog. I'm not exactly sure what the dank air has in store for me, nor also wether my scribing pen will still work after so much corrosion but inspiration preveals.

I've been up in sunny Brisbane (and HOT!!!!!) for about a week now, looking for work and getting settled even though my stuff is still on the way, so that even if I do settle in, I'll still have to settle in later... :/ *cough*POINTLESS*coughcough* I have a new beast/mother of a PC 4.2gtz dual core CPU, 4gb DDR2 mem, 500gb HD setup in SATA II Raid, 512mb NVidia GForce 7950, and all that jazz...runs very sweetly for the old owner...namely me and I'm very happy with the whole shebang. But apart from all that...

I've been trying to gather the shreds of my frayed mind and soul and place them in some kind of patchwork semblance of order...things have been progressing rather slowly and painfully as I try to fit them in the wrong spots. God has been working on me a lot, and I've been trying to focus on Him and in true workings with both my phlegmatic and my melancholy nature, asking all the deeper shades of question while at the same time searching my soul for answers and finding none...but this is ok, for artistry and creativity are wrought on such paradoxial proverbs. I am looking forward to the future and to serving God with my gifts and simply being free. As all of us long to be free. In the truest nature of the word, freedom in Christ is something that we are all familiar and yet unaware of in our daily lives nd yet we strive for it as much as we possibly can, sometimes the focus shifts slightly and we find ourselves ensnared by looking at the gift rather than the giver and with a jolt we find ourselves laughing (or crying) at our stupidity and gazing in adoration at the lover of our souls.

The Fool and His Folly

There once was a jolly fool
And everybody thought he was cool
Until one day God a plan unfurled

Unbeknownst to all and to many
The fool was spending every spare penny
Thus was the fool trapped by his own folly

One day as the fool spent his last
A window of opportunity fell fast
Movement he saw from one and from many

A friendly man saw him there
With his wallet completely bare
And tried to reason him out

He realized he was caught
And paniced and faught
Until all his energy was spent

Realizing the error his ways
The fool sat and cried for days
Finding out the full damage his spending spent

To late was the cry
That the fool heard on nie
But could now not do a thing

His heart broke as he saw his closest friends
Hurt by what he'd done, call an end
Until finally all alone he wept

God called out to the fool there
All alone and totally bare
And asked to keep him company

The fool did desparately consent
And tried his best to repent
Of his past sins before God and man

In his future, consequences he saw there
Knowing that he would just have to bear
Even though his sin was taken

The fool became a wiser man that day
Than any of his life or his way
And prays for healing and restoration

Although the fool's future is uncertain
He relies on God to see though the curtain
And stopped spending his treasure on nothing

Spritual Disciplines

As most of you know, I had a bit of a talk on Sunday, and so as I promised a couple of people... here it is, posted in full:

Spiritual Disciplines
What can we do practically to prepare for heaven?

When we get saved, two processes occur.
o Justification happens instantly; think of it as a 'just as if I'd never sinned'. It is when Christ enters our heart for the first time and makes us new creations.
o The second thing that occurs is Sanctification an ongoing process where the Holy Spirit helps us to become more like Christ every day, going from glory to glory

Think of it as an 'already' and a 'not yet' e.g. I ALREADY belong in heaven, because Jesus saved me, but I'm NOT there YET, because God hasn't finished working in me.

These two processes need to be kept in balance with each other. Focusing only on justification leads to a lack of motivation, "If Jesus did it all for me then I don't have to do anything" while focusing only on sanctification can lead to the 'good works salvation' just like the Pharisees in the bible, Jesus quotes from Isaiah in Matthew 15:8 "These people show honour to me with words, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is worthless. The things they teach are nothing but human rules."

The word sanctification comes from the verb sanctify, which comes from the Greek word 'hagiazo' which means:
1. Set apart for sacred use, made holy and pure), consecrated.
2. Made holy, pure.
3. Sanctioned as with an oath or vow
4. To grant moral sanction to.
5. Made useful by holiness or spiritual blessing.

In the Bible, sanctification generally relates to a sovereign act of God whereby He "set's apart" a person, place or thing in order that His purposes can be accomplished. There are many occurrences of things being sanctified in the Old Testament.

o Exodus 29:43 "And there I will meet with the children of Israel, and the tabernacle shall be sanctified by My glory."
o Genesis: 2:3 "Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made."
o Hebrews 10:14 says, "For by one offering He (Talking about Jesus' death on the cross) has perfected forever those who are being sanctified."

How does sanctification occur?
Sanctification starts when we get saved. At the moment of conversion, the Holy Spirit enters our life. We are set free from sin and are able to do the good things that God has planned for us. Unlike people of places in the Bible, people still have the capacity to sin. Any new Christian will be able to tell you of the battle being waged in our mind between the old habits and the Spirit living inside us.

o Galatians 5:17: "For the flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish."
o In 1 John 3:2 it says "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."

It's talking about complete sanctification; however this won't occur in your earthly life. It is talking about after we die, or when Christ returns, when we receive new glorified / completely sanctified bodies.

How do we become sanctified?
The outward effects of sanctification are the fruits of the Spirit, listed in Galatians 5:22-23a "But the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." However, try as we might, we cannot sanctify ourselves, it's impossible to change ourselves by sheer power of will, you might escape some habits by doing so, but you'll always return to them sooner or later. The only way that we can be changed is through the Holy Spirit and His process of sanctification. However there are things that we can do to open the way for the sanctification process to occur. These things are the spiritual disciplines.

Discipline is almost a dirty word in our culture today; it always entails "stuff that we don't want to do". One definition that stood out to me was "any activity within our power that we engage in to enable us to do what we cannot do by direct effort." And it takes HARD WORK. Exercise is a great example. It's hard to do, especially when you're tired and all you want to do is sit in front of the TV and veg out for night, but the benefits are worth the pain. The Olympic athletes know about the worth of discipline, when they stand on that top tier holding their gold medal, they'll tell you the pain was worth it. And just as physical discipline has benefits so does spiritual discipline.

o Paul says to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:8 "Training your body helps you in some ways, but serving God helps you in every way by bringing you blessings in this life and in the future."
o And 1 Corinthians 9:26-27 "So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something - not just air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others."
o Hebrews 12:9 says "We have all had fathers here on earth who disciplined us, and we respected them. So it is even more important that we accept discipline from the Father of our spirits so we will have life."

Richard Foster, in his book 'Celebration of Discipline' uses two metaphors to illustrate the purpose of disciplines: a field and a path.

A farmer is helpless to grow grain; all he can do is provide the right conditions for the growing of grain. He cultivates the ground, he plants the seed, he waters the plants, and then natural forces of the earth take over and up come the grain. This is the way it is with the Spiritual Disciplines. They are a way of sowing to the Spirit.

The spiritual disciplines are "a means of receiving God's grace, they allow us to place ourselves before God so he can transform us." He goes on to say that the spiritual disciplines are like a narrow ridge with a sheer drop-off on either side: there is the abyss of trust in works on one side and the abyss of faith without deeds on the other. On the ridge there is a path, the disciplines of the spiritual life. We must always remember that the path does not produce change; it only places us where the change can occur.

The task for us then is to cultivate our daily lives into fertile ground in which God can bring growth and change. This is what the spiritual disciplines are all about.

What are the spiritual disciplines?
" Celebration
o Philippians 4:4 "Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy."
o Another version says "Rejoice in the Lord". Part of being a Christian is celebrating the good things that God gives us.
" Confession
o James 5:16 "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you."
o This is a very important part of being a Christian. Confession and accountability can be hard at the best of times, no one likes to screw up and even less admits to it. The open confession of our sins to one another helps us to understand and help each other. It provides an avenue for the grace of God to come into our lives and set us free.

" Fasting
o There are many examples of fasting in the bible, probably the most famous one being Jesus' temptation in the desert where he fasted for 40 days and nights. Fasting can have many purposes. David fasted for his first son from Bathsheba so that he might live. Jesus said that some kinds of spirits would only come out through fasting.

" Guidance
o John 16:13 "But when the Spirit of Truth comes, He will lead you into all truth. He will not speak His own words, but He will speak only what He hears [from the Father], and He will tell you what is to come."
o We all need guidance at some point, and God should always be our guide. Every effort should be made to hear the voice of God. Under Him, are the people He places in our lives, mentors, accountability partners and disciples.

" Prayer
o Ephesians 6:18a "Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need."
o Philippians 4:6 "Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks."
o Without communication, any relationship will fail. And that is all that prayer is, open and honest communication with God. He is open to hear us at any time on any subject.

" Service
o 1 Corinthians 12:5 "There are different ways to serve, but the same Lord to serve"
o Matthew 23:11 "and you should not be called 'Master', because you have only one Master, the Christ."
o Jesus was the greatest servant of all. He served almost everyone that He came into contact with. True service is about humility, not doing it to get approval or acclaim, but simply serving for God.

" Simplicity or Self Denial
o Matthew 6:21 "Your heart will be where your treasure is."
o Philippians 4:12 "I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens, when I have more than I need and when I don not have enough."
o Living simply, doesn't mean giving away all your possessions, is simply means that your possessions are not your focus. You don't use them to draw attention to yourself

" Solitude
o Solitude or time alone with God is a big must for a proper relationship, just as time alone with your spouse or best friend can be very important to grow the relationship, so it is with God. We NEED to take some time out to spend simply alone with God.

" Study
o 2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All scripture is given by God and is useful for teaching, for showing people what is wrong in their lives, for correcting faults and for teaching how to live right. Using scriptures, the person who serves God will be capable, having all that is needed to do every good work."
o The only way to learn about something is to study it, and the same is true of God. What better resource than Him own auto-biography, the Bible, to study from?

" Submission
o Ephesians 5:21 "Yield to and obey one another because you respect Christ."
o Matthew 23:10 "and you should not be called 'Master', because you have only one Master, the Christ."
o Submission can be one of the hardest disciplines to master. Everyone likes to have things done their own way. A great example of submission was King David, a man after God's own heart, who even though Saul tried to kill him many times, kept serving his king in the best way he knew, right up until Saul's death. Even then David avenged Saul, saying "You are responsible for your own death, You confessed by saying, 'I have killed the Lord's appointed king.'" (2 Samuel 1:16)

" Worship
o Romans 12:1 "So brothers and sisters, since God has shown us great mercy, I beg you to offer your lives as a living sacrifice to Him. Your offering must be only for God as pleasing to Him, whish is the spiritual way for you to worship."
o Hebrews 13:15 "So through Jesus let us always offer to God our sacrifice of praise, coming from lips that speak His name."
o John 4:24 "God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth."
o Many Christians these days think that worship is a 1/2 an hour of singing praise songs while a band gets up on stage and plays...nothing could be further from the truth. Worship is simply giving to God what is His due. Every part of the Christian walk can be tied into worship in some way. So even to worship is a spiritual discipline, the spiritual disciplines are all part of worship. As we worship, God's presence becomes real to us.

Cheerio, D-Man

Egads! Not another survey!

Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 20
Sign: Gemini? I think...not to sure, don't really go for star signs

The answers to all of lifes questions.

Random Qs

Life:
High School: Was heaps good
Primary School: Yeah, was ok, for a fringe kid I did aight
Favourite Soda: Creamy Soda
Favourite fruit: At the moment, it would have to be banana...I've had dreams, sooo good
Favourite weather: Warm, slightly winding, with storm clouds on the horizon...balisimo

Do You:
Like someone: As friends, I like everyone
Want more piercings: Nope
Want a tattoo: Nope

Last:
Person talked to in person?: Hmm...Justin, my boss
Person talked to/texted on the phone?: Widget on the phone
Person you hung out with: Everyone
Movie watched: The DaVinci Code (CRAP!!)
Last movie saw in theatre: Lady in the Water

Ever:
Ever cried over a girl or boy: Yeah
Ever had a friend die: Nope
Ever dated: Never
Ever finished a puzzle: Um...no? Duh! Everyone's finished at least 1 puzzle in their life
Ever had surgery: Do stiches count?
Ever hated someone: Not really...hate is such a strong word

Pick one:
Blue or red?: Blue
Spring or Fall?: Autumn

Random stuff:
Do you speak a different language?: A little bit of french..not enough to be coherent..I mainly specialize in accents and voices
How old do you act?: 20 maybe? 17 at the least
Braces: Nope
Do you have any pets?: Fish, cats...that's about it
Mood?: Bored

The 400000000000000000 W's Questions:
Who is in the room with you?: My work mates
Who is the girl/guy you like?: I'll let God decide that one
Who was the last girl/guy you told I love you?: Definately mum, she's awesome
Who gets on your nerves the most from school?: Well, since I'm not actually at school anymore, I guess that lets me off the hook for that one
What was the last thing you ate?: Timtam
What was the last thing you drank?: Orange juice
What colour pants are you wearing?: Slightly faded black jeans
What is the closest item near you that is blue?: Mizone bottle
What are you wearing on your feet?: Runners
What instant messaging service do you use? MSN.
What do you wear more, jeans or shorts?: Jeans
What do you currently hate? Old habits and lethargy
When is your birthday? June 13
Where is your cell phone?: On the desk in front of me
Where do you sleep? In my room, usually
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Birthday present from Grandma
Where did you take you last take a car ride to? Home

--------------

L0VE SURVEY

You must answer every question... with the TRUTH!

1). Is there someone who you like at the moment?
Nope

2). Have you ever given or been given roses?
Wanted to

3). What is your all time favorite romance movie?
At the moment? Probably The Notebook or Romeo and Juliet

4). How many times can you honestly say you've been in love?
Depends on your definition of love doesn't it...

5). Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
Definately

6). Do you think that you should become friends with someone first?
Hell yeah

7). Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yep

8). What do you think about long-distance relationships?
I think that unless the couple are really commited, long distance relationships don't work and even then not for very long

9). Your thoughts on online relationships?
Crap

10). Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
Well, I don't date, but if I did, I'd be easy, except atm probably older because younger would make then 15....wrong much?

11). Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
Sometimes

12). Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater?"
Nope


13). How many kids do you want to have?
Probably at least 3

14). Do you usually fall for a wrong boy/girl or the right boy/girl?
Well the chances of falling for the right one is about 1 in a couple hundred of million so, I guess I keep falling for the wrong one until God reveals the right one aye.

15). What is your favorite colour(s)?
Depends on my mood

16). What are your views on gay marriage?
Eww

17)Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I hope not, but probably

18). Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you re-marry?
Probably not

19). At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
Probably around 10 or so...

20)what song do you want to hear at your wedding?
Haven't decided yet...everytime I think of marriage it seems further and further off...so I've stopped thinking about it in the hopes that it'll come quicker ;)

-------------------

BEDROOM SURVEY
NO LYING!!
Do you have the following in your room:

[ ] desk
[ ] condoms
[x] lamps
[x] cell phone
[x] stool
[ ] book shelf
[x] dresser
[x] computer / laptop
[ ] bean bag
[x] pictures
[ ] mirror
[x] skateboard
[x] bed
[x] clothes on the floor
[ ] plastic flamingo
[ ] surfboard
[ ] lava lamp
[ ] smoke detector
[ ] piano/keyboard
[ ] locking door
[ ] can of soda
[ ] bottle of water/gatorade
[ ] a blacklight
[ ] medals/ribbons
[ ] trophies
[x] awards
[ ] water polo ball
[ ] soccer ball
[ ] volleyball
[ ] basketball
[x] softball stuff
[ ] track gear
[ ] frisbee
[ ] beach ball
[ ] football
[x] tennis ball
[ ] hockey stuff
[ ] gymnastics stuff
[ ] dance stuff
[ ] horseback riding stuff
[x] swim stuff
[x] cd's
[ ] Digital Camera
[ ] sofa/futon/round chair
[ ] bottles of liquor
[ ] flag
[ ] stop sign/any sign
[ ] caution tape
[ ] paintball gun
[x] airsoft gun
[ ] real Gun
[ ] cigarettes
[ ] candle(s)
[x] books
[ ] nintendo
[ ] playstation
[ ] playstation 2
[ ] game Cube
[ ] xbox
[ ] bike
[x] stereo
[ ] lighter
[ ] visine
[ ] your Mum
[ ] gum

How many windows do u have in ur room..
2

What is the color of your walls?
White / cream

hardwood floor, tile, or carpet?
Carpet

Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom?
Both

Is your room big?
I've had bigger

-----------------------------

A N S W E R - T R U T H F U L L Y

1. Do you like anyone?: Nope
2. Do they know it? I don't know, why don't you ask them?
3. Simple or complicated? Simple for me

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U

4. Had sex: Not married yet
5. Bought something: Yep
7. Been hugged?: Nope
8. Felt stupid?: When do I not
9. Talked to an ex: Don't have any
10. Missed someone: Yep
11. Failed a test: Nope
13. Danced: Nope
14. Gotten your hair cut?: Nope
15. Lied: Probably, I can't remember

U N I Q U E

16. Nervous habits?: Chewing my lip
17. Are you double jointed?: Pinky fingers
18. Can you roll your tongue?: Who can't?
19. Can you raise one eyebrow?: Yep
20. Can you cross your eyes?: Yep
21. Do you make your bed daily?: Really should start doing that again
22. Do you think you are unique?: Everyone's unique

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R'S

23. Said "I Love you": Yes
24. Given money to a homeless person: Nope
25. Smoked?: Nope
26. Waited all night for a phone call?: Nope
27. Snuck out?: Yep
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: Yep

M A N N E R S

29. Do you swear/curse?: Nope
30. Do you ever spit?: Depends on wether I have been doing strenuous excersize or not...for the most part, no.
31. You cook your own food?: Cooking is the shiznit
32. You do your own chores?: Most of them
33. You like beef jerky?: Never had it
35. You're happy with your life?: Sometimes
36. You own a dog?: I hate dogs with a passion
37. You spend your money wisely?: Once upon a time...
38. Do you like to swim?: Can't swim to well, not enough fat to keep me up
39. When you get bored do you call a friend: Sometimes

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S

41. Flowers or angels?: Flowers
42. Gray or black?: Black
43. Color or black and white photos?: Color usually
44. Lust or love?: What kind of a question is that? Love of course
45. Sunrise or sunset?: Haven't really seen to many good sunsets and haven't really seen to many sunrises, but they've all been fabulous
46. M&Ms or Skittles? Skittles all the way baby...it actually depends on wether I'm in the mood for chocolate or fruit
48. Staying up late or waking up early?: Both...erg
49. Being hot or cold?: Cold...it's easier to warm up than cool down
50. Winter or Fall?: Autumn
51. Left or right?: Left
52. Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?: Depends on the mood
53. Sunshine or rain?: Rain, as long as it's not too cold

MORE HAVE YOU EVERS....

Sleep in a bed of the opposite sex?: Nope
Hooked up in the woods?: Nope
Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?: Nope
Hooked up in the shower?: Nope
Been Dumped?: Nope
Stolen money from a friend? Nope
Slept naked?: Nope
Been in a fist fight?: So young and naive
Snuck out of your house?: Yep
Had a crush on a teacher?: Er...no
Seen someone die?: Only on video...kinda disturbing
Been on an airplane? So boring!
Slept all day?: Haha, yes..woke up and thought to myself, gee what a waste of a day
Missed someone so much it hurt?: Yep
Fallen asleep during school? Once or twice
Been lonely?: Who hasn't
Cheated in a game?: Cheated in PC games...and card games, not seriously though
Been to the ER?: Nope
Been in a car accident?: Nope
Had detention?: Nope
Missed your first love?: Well, if I have a first love it would be safe to surmise that I'd miss her aye?
Cried yourself to sleep?: Not to sleep, but just before sleep
Sung in the shower?: All the time
Kissed a complete stranger?: Er...no
Laughed so hard you cried?: A little
Cheated on a bf/gf?: That's just evil
Regretted hurting someone?: I'd be a tool not to
Regretted loving someone?: Yes
Been SUPER happy?: Once or twice

-------


Best and worst

Best, Worst, Last, Today, Tomorrow, Favorite, Currently, and True or False.

Best
1. Male friend: Widget

2. Female friend: Probably Erica

3. Vacation: Queensland...as much as I hate the weather, got some really good memories up there.

Favorites
1. Time of day: Around 6ish

2. Day of the Week: Saturday or Sunday

3. Food: Any type mexican first and foremost, followed closely by italian...nothing beat those two!

4. Memory: Banging my head on the corner of a wooden chair at creche when I was about 2

Last
1. Person you saw (not related): Justin

2. Talked to on the phone: Widget
3. Text: Hmmm...haven't had credit for about 3 months...probably Matty

4. IMed: Matty

5. Messaged over MySpace: Erica

Today

1. What are you doing now: Typing this, silly

2. What are you wearing?: Black jeans and navy t-shirt...

3. Better than yesterday?: Definately not

Tomorrow

1. Is: Tuesday

2. Got any plans: Get through the day, go to young adults
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: Work

Favorite

1. Number: 7

2. Song for the moment: At the moment? Probably Guy Sebastian's new single Taller, Stronger, Better...so damn awesome

3. Color: Black

4. Season: Autumn

Currently

1. Missing someone: Nope

2. Mood: Bored / Confused

3. Wanting: Food...mmmm...food...

True or False:

I am a cuddler.
Very true, you just haven't seen it because I'm not married

I am a morning person.
True

I am a perfectionist.
True

I am an only child.
False

I am currently in pyjamas.
False

I am currently single.
True, and waiting for the perfect one

I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
False

I am online 24/7.
False, more like 9/6

I can be paranoid at times.
True...

I currently regret something that I have done
False, I find it better to get on with life and not regret things. Everyone has mistakes, it's better to learn from them than dwell on them.

When I get mad, I curse frequently
False

I enjoy country music.
Depends on my mood

I love smoothies.
True, but only good ones

I enjoy talking on the phone.
Depends on whether or not I phoned or they phoned. If they phoned then yes, love talking, if I phoned then I absolutely hate it

I have a crush.
Nope, over crushes

I have a hard time paying attention at school.
Depended on the lecturer, but I think I did alright

I have a hidden talent.
Probably, how would I know until it reveals itself, and when it does that, it won't be hidden anymore will it?

I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
Who doesn't

I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" girl/guy.
Since there is only 1 right person in the entire world, I think chances are good that I'll fall for the wrong one...

I have all my grandparents.
True

I have at least one brother/sister.
True

I have been told that I have a sense of humor.
True

I have broken a bone.
False

I have changed a diaper.
False

I have changed a lot over the past year
True

I have done something illegal.
True, nothing serious though

I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
False

I have had major/minor surgery
False

I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months.
False

I have had the cops called on me.
False

----------

YOU OPENED IT. YOU DO IT. How well do you know the 1st person on your Top 8?

1. First name?
Widget

2. Age:
22

3. boy or girl?
Guy

4.how long youve known this person?
2 years

5. Are you related to them?
We're brothers

6. Have you ever slept in the same bed as this person??
Nope

7. How often do you see this person?
Most of the time

8. When was the last time you talked to them?
Just before via email

9. Are you two best friends?
Yep

10. How did you meet this person?
Church

11. When are you going to see them?
Wednesday probably

12. Whats their favorite band?
He likes many bands...some of the cd's in his case are Crowded House, Live, Fuel, 3 Doors Down, Third Day, United, etc.

13. Whats your favorite memory of this person?
Hmm...that's a toughy, probably the very first drive I ever had with him is pretty good.

14. Does this person have a crush on anyone?
Don't think so


15. Is this person single or taken?
Single

17. Is this person important to you?
Pretty important

------------
and now, for you to answer;

FILL IN THE QUESTIONS:


1.Your Full Name:
---> Damian Gordon Gray

2. Age & Birthday:
---> 20, 13 June

3. Favorite Color?
---> Black

4. Favorite Movie:
---> Gladiator, all time favorite

5. Favorite Song:
---> To many for you to comprehend

6. Favorite Band:
---> See above...

7. Most Embarassing Moment:
---> Erg...too many to pick one in particular

8. Are you a virgin?
---> Yes and proud of it

Yet another random survey

EVERYONE HAS THEIR FIRSTS:

FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND: Matthew Weightman

FIRST SCHOOL: Black Hill Primary

FIRST CELL PHONE: Motorola 'Coke' phone, awww yeah, so hardcore

FIRST FUNERAL: Yolander Choong

FIRST PET: Don Garto (Sir Cat...even though it was a girl...go figure...)

FIRST BIG TRIP: NSW on holiday with family in 1991

FIRST FIGHT: Probably at school...how do we do these things?

FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: Err.....yes.....

FIRST TIME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?: N/A

FIRST JOB: PBSA

FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND: Tom....first REAL friend...probably Jess

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS:

LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: Probably LeeAnne a couple of months ago...

LAST CAR RIDE: Couple of minutes ago, from Phil's place

LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Watching the Patriot, yeah yeah I know, I know...the scene where the little girl runs to her dad

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Star Wars II

LAST FOOD YOU ATE: Mini Mars Bar

LAST ITEM BOUGHT: Bottle of fizzy

LAST SHIRT WORN: Standing Tall

LAST PHONE CALL: Phil, just before youth

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: Widget

LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: The PC mouse

LAST FUNERAL: My Uncle Leonard

LAST TIME AT THE MALL: Today

LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR SOMETHING: Today with good reason, youth was awesome

LAST PERSON YOU SAW: Nic

LAST THING YOU DRANK: Bottle of fizzy

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY? Hmm...it comes and goes, last time I was consistently happy for more than a month was probably first year of Uni, 2003, those were the days...

Worship

Yes I know it's plain text...I'll fix it up when I get time...

Well after many hours of debating on what to write my next blog, and there are many, many topics that I could choose from, as a crapload of stuff has been happening, I've finally decided to write at least something, and see where it goes...

I've been reading a book called the A Heart For Worship (one of my mum's old books), I can't remember the author's name...it is really good, so far it's confirmed most of what I know about worship in only the first 10 pages. I'm really starting to wonder are we really getting it? What is worship? The most common definition is giving to God honor, exultation, adoration, praise, giving Him His due worth. So many times we focus more on ourselves than on God I wonder do we really worship at all, or do we get so caught up with going through the motions that we fool ourselves into thinking we are worshipping when in reality we are not...

This Sunday for me was a great example. Sunday morning service, I had no ride to church, so I had to make some quick decisions and ended up getting there almost half an hour late for practice. Needless to say I was way stressed and frustrated. Not the best atmosphere to be getting into worship and if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have been able too, even so it was quite difficult and I don't really think I was able to let go and fully worship God until about halfway through.

That night was not much better, it was a youth service, so there's always a bit more tension for me, being in charge, but only one singer turned up, and she was stressing pretty hardcore about not being able to sing. That right there is an indication that we focus on the wrong things... do we trust our voice? Th strength of our arm? Or do we trust God? I know which one's more reliable and it certainly isn't my voice. Stress is infectious and I was starting to get a bit stressed also, when God gave me a revelation on worship...which is what this is all about. What is worship? Giving to God His due worth. Another definition is focusing on the worthiness of the One, not focusing the worthiness of the one. We already know we aren't worthy, thinking about it is distracting and not beneficial to a worship atmosphere. Worship is all about God!

Another thing is that we can get so caught up in hype...by which I mean that we focus so much on making sure that the worship has pizazz, energy, flare, that it simply becomes a performance. I don't have anything against moshing for example, but when we HAVE to do it otherwise worship is crap, I have to wonder why? Why does everything have to be BIG all the time? Doesn't God take pleasure in the little things as well? And for that matter, how can ANY worship be crap, isn't it ALL glorifying to God? In Ezekiel, it says there is a time for noise AND a time for silence. While Elijah the prophet waited for God, an earthquake, a loud wind, a myriad of other BIG things passed by, but God wasn't in them, He was in the stillness, the quiet, the silence that followed.

I'm not saying that God isn't in the big things, but there HAS to be a balance. We can't assume to confine God to a box and say well this is just how we do it...the Pharisee's did that and God lamented, saying They worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me...another thing is that worship has nothing to do with music...shocked? Worship has absolutely nothing to do with music. It's true that the church as a general whole has placed this label on it...not all churches, people like Matt Redman who had a revelation and basically canned music in his church until people started finding other avenues of worship, but most churches...and it is also true that worship in the bible is associated with music, ie. praise Him with trumpets and clashing cymbols, David was a musician, etc., etc., but music has to do with worship, not the other way around. If the music is taking over, then it's time to scrap it, seriously folks. I can say this, because I am a musician, and have been for the last 10 years or so, so I'm well aware of the momentousness of my statement, I'm well aware of the consequences...

One last thing... worship leading. The name is a misnomer and attracts the wrong type of people. It's not leading worship at all, in fact nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing that makes worship leading anything near leading is the fact that the people on stage and the congregation with follow you, in OR out of God's presence. Remember that..in OR out...A worship leader should be simply put, a lead worshipper. And they have the awesome responsibility of being more receptive to God's leading than anyone else. Humility is key here, a lead worshipper NEEDS to have a servant heart with no thoughts of leading at all, are we here to make worship as we want it? Or make it pleasing to God? Are we here to lead worship or let God lead us? If we would lead worship, it MUST not be for leading sake. Sorry cholerics, you can't control worship.

Well, anyway, I could go on for another half an hour, haha, I love the topic of worship, but yeah, I pray that you would glean something from my fumblings in the dark, and come to a deeper understanding of God and what it means to truly worship...

GB, D-Man

Camp '06

Well....got back from camp today. I can't really explain it well, but I will do my best and put as much detail as I can recall without making it tedious., I will apologize in advance for mistakes or unfinished thoughts, as it is almost 1 o'clock AM as of this writing..

It started on Tuesday, I packed that morning...yeah, for me it's easier to pack right before I leave. .. .anyway ... we got to the church at around 9:30 and were on our way to camp. It is difficult to explain what exactly I felt on leaving. To be quite honest I was worried that this camp would spoil my memories of Sunnystones, and so when we got there I was filled with anticipation but also an unease, I don't know what I was expecting to feel when I got there but it was good to be there. As Aragon's heart was left in Rivendel, so mine is at Sunnystones Camp, I don't know whether or not it will always remain there, but for the last 4 years it has been. It is hard to compare any two camp experiences because they are all different from each other. Each year brings with it it's own joys and heartaches to be felt and remembered.

After setting up our things and having lunch and all of that jazz and meeting our speaker Andrew Cox, we played the survival game. Me and Widget were the only diseases this time, but it was just as much fun this time as the last. I made sure that I had plenty of water this time as last time was pretty crazy looking back, anyway I had a helluva lot of energy comparatively.

This year we had less people and a lot of them were new, so the atmosphere of the entire camp was very different from that of last year. I also was a lot more involved in the leadership side of things this year, so my experience was vastly different than any previous years. One thing I noticed straight away is all the intricacies of the different social circles popping up. It always interests me how people change around camp. It's not really so much that they change as much as they can't keep masking their true selves around you 24 - 7.

Some of the changes were very disappointing, I lost quite a lot of respect for some people, but I also gained a lot of respect for others, so a balance is kept. I also often wonder how people view me and how I must change, although I hope that I keep myself real at least 90% of the time.

One thing I did miss from last year is the worship that we had. We brought in the instruments and the youth band played before each session. It was quite hectic and probably more trouble than it was worth in the long run, but it really added a dynamic that I missed very much this time around.

The obligatory volleyball games and all the old in jokes started coming out very quickly. By the third day everyone was a little tired and a lot of different things were happening in plain view for people who observe. I see a lot of things that others miss, and miss a lot of things that others see, but I definitely saw a lot this camp. The nature walk was AWESOME! Not quite as good as last years, and definitely more tiring (man that hill!!) but definitely worth the time. There's actually a story behind the walk for me. I wasn't originally going to be able to go on it because of numbers or some such thing. And I'd really being hanging for it since last year, so much so that I was quite put out when I was told that I wasn't coming. I had to come to the point of letting it go completely and saying to myself that it wouldn't ruin my camp experience. Anyway, the night before I prayed that if God wanted me walking, then He would make a way for me to come, and the next day circumstances that I didn't even know about simply clicked into place and allowed me to come. Needless to say I didn't really put 2 and 2 together straight away...I was actually pretty bummed because I'd wired myself for the extra-walk activities around the camp, so I had to check myself on that and simply thank God for His blessing. Anyway, the walk was absolutely fabulous! Simply beautiful as only a bush walk with your friends can be. Hopefully I'll have a bunch of photos to put up soon ; ) We got back and we were incredibly tired but I at least was pretty exhilarated. The final day of camp was filled with various physical activities...such as soccer, painting and fishing....for some stupid reason I picked soccer without thinking of how smashed I'd be by then and needless to say I was pretty tired afterward, although I had lots of fun.

A lot of crap things happened that night and I pretty much snapped for the first time in a long long time. I'm not proud of it, but it happened, however a lot of good things happened also. The concert was fun, with various skits from the sound of music (you girls roxor the the h-core max x 10 + 1!! to take a saying from last camp) and the blender of doom!!! Damn you guys are so awesome!!

Physically this camp was pretty exhausting, although I think my body might be able to adjust a bit easier to lack of sleep, because I am able to stay up until 1:30 am writing this blog. The activities were all very strenuous and I had about 15 hours sleep over 4 days so I was pretty wrecked by pack up time...Mentally I was pretty focused most of the time, although stress played a big part this year because of my responsibilities and various other things...Spiritually, although the speaker was good and I got quite a lot out of it, I think I actually got a lot more out of personal revelations that God graned to me over the course of the camp than the sessions and group times.

Special thanks go to Mary Morrison, our cook, without whom, the quality of food wouldn't have been half as good as it was! You slaved over the kitchen for for days solid and you were absolutely AWESOME!!! Also the duty groups, it may not seem much to prepare tables for meals and clean up afterward, but it really IS a big deal and you guys were amazing! Other people include but not limited to, Erica, Widget, Phil, you guys are always awesome and without you the camp would not have been anything spectacular!

As a wrap up, despite a hell of a lot of things going wrong on this camp or things not being as they should, and the fact that I actually enjoyed last year a lot more, on leaving I still feel a sense of loss that goes words. On a lighter note though, I got my stitches out today!! Wootage!! Although now my eye looks even more MANK than it did before. Alrighty guys, I think I should get some sleep so I guess I'll see you all soon, I pray that you as much out of camp as I did and that God continues to bless you.

Cheerio, D-Man

Perfect moments

Hey there folks, yes an exciting new blog by the D-Man! Wootage! Well first and foremost, if you don't already know, Phil and LeeAnne have had a baby on Tuesday at 8:47 AM!!! Her name is Elise Jasmine Tong, and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! LeeAnne is doing fine although still sore. I have never ever seen a baby so close to birth before, but I tell you, it's an experience that will last a lifetime. As I watched her sleep in the incubator with a band over her eyes to stop the UV light, I'm thinking it doesn't get much better than this. I could have just watched her for hours. If there is such a thing as a truly perfect moment outside of heaven, I think this was it. In fact that single moment has brightened my entire week, I'm so happy for them, it's absolutely awesome!

In other news,my brother and his wife are back down in Ballarat for some more bad news, which I won't get into here, but it has been good to catch up. We saw the Lady in the Water last night at the movies...for a premier, there was only about 15 people in the entire cinema! Was kind of odd, I really enjoyed it though..very different for a Night Shyamalan movie but still excellent. I got home and I felt really sick, which brings me here, I'm at home feeling like crap at the moment, but hey, God is good and last night surely eclipses today...

Cheerio, D-Man

The weekend and the weeks

Well, I've been racking my brains trying to think of something for my next blog entry, but nothing of substance has been coming, and so it has been a bit neglected. Much has been happening, but I simply haven't been able to find the words for it all. I've been doing a lot better in the last couple of weeks than I have in the last year so it's been really good, although I still fail, at least I can recognize it for myself, which is where I want to be. I pray that God continues to work out these massive flaws in my life, either by rain or sunshine, it doesn't really phase me as long as I am where God wants me to be. I've been relying on God's grace very heavily, at some points I've even felt like giving up altogether, despite knowing that doing so would only bring more pain in the long run.

I've been working overtime heaps for the last fortnight, to reach a deadline on time, it has been incredibly tiring, yet somehow satisfying, and it feels weird to go back to normal hours now, but it's still good to have my life back, lol...

LeeAnne's birthday was on Wednesday, which really kind of sucked...now now now, don't get me wrong, her birthday is awesome, but the day wasn't. Everyone had been leading her on that there was nothing special happening, someone even went so far as to give her a meat pie with a candle in it, while I can see the humor in that, it wasn't very tasteful. However the next day we all got together for a surprise party, I made sure that she got a proper cake or pavlova at least, haha it was very definitely worth it...

After I got home though, someone threw eggs at my window, I have no idea who or why but it wasn't very nice and it kinda freaked me out a bit to be honest, I've come to the conclusion that it was just some random looking for a laugh, why the heck he picked my window though...

We had Youth Alive on the weekend, I wasn't actually looking forward to it that much and even on the bus on the way up, I wasn't fussed about it. Haha, yeah, we had a bus...56 seater, it was awesome. We got there at about 1:00 PM and spent the day outside until 6:00 PM when the arena opened. It was ok, there were a few good bands, but the most part was spent aimlessly walking around, watching people be different than usual in their circle of friends and becoming dehydrated and hungry because of the lack of food stalls around the place. Once we actually got inside it was a different story though, it was all happening. I was originally going to swap back and forth between floor and seat, because I really didn't feel up to jumping for 2 or more hours but once I was on the floor it was all good, although tiring as hell. Haha, I also meant to try and save my voice because I had a youth service the next day but after about 1/2 hour I gave up and just really got into it. Reggie Dabbs is an excellent speaker, and spoke in his usual style. The bus ride home was a little funky for me, I was is a bit of a strange mood and I didn't really have any energy left. We stopped in at Macca's and I made the mistake of buying and sculling two bottles of V...erg...woke up on Sunday morning with the biggest headache.

This Sunday was Father's Day, so happy father's day to you all! Phil & LeeAnne graciously invited me over for the day, haha it was very non eventful and GOOD! I slept and played xBox with the kids... There was a youth service that night which went really well. God is just so damn awesome! I was leading, very tensely I might add, but God had control and it really was awesome. I had absolutely no voice left afterward, I could barely sing at all the whole day, but yeah, it was still good. Nathan Bailey spoke that night, and he really had an awesome message. A lot of things a lot of really needed to hear, methinks.

I've made decisions in my life that I believe will be beneficial to my spiritual life, and so far I can really see the difference it has made, I just wish I had come to this way of thinking before, so I didn't have to go through everything that I have, but hey, so do all who go through such things. God has an awesome future for me, but I'm not even focusing on it anymore, it's better to focus on the here and now, to do God's will for me TODAY and let Him figure out tomorrow. Things have become a bit complicated in the last couple of days, not from me but for me, I guess I just have to figure out how to handle old situations with new thinking. Thank you, God for everything You have done and continue to do in my life, thank You for Your love, support and encouragement through everything...

Mercy Me
Here With Me

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To know you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Cheerio, D-Man

What? Another blog entry!?

Wow...better wipe the dust off mah keyboard, I obviously haven't used it for ages...but I digress (how cool is that word??)... So yeah, the point of this blog..."tune in next week to hear D-Man say 'So the point of this blog is...' next time on Days of Our Blog" *weird organ music*...ok... so life is kind of busy lately, haven't had a lot of sleep, and even less time to myself. Work has been flat out, because they want me to work as much overtime as I can possibly manage to meet some project deadline... kinda sucks, but hey, more money I guess. And I've gotten to use Visual Studio 2005 which is rather cool...yeah yeah, I'm a geek sometimes...GET OVER IT!!! I like what I like and don't like what I don't like, because if I did like it, I wouldn't not like it anymore, and then I wouldn't know what I liked. See, confusing, I know, so don't even go there....

God's been revealing much to me over these last few weeks, on different things in my life...a lot of big issues have been raising their heads, saying ooh deal with me and I'm just like GAH!! but it has done sometime. I have a real issue with trust, although I'm not quite sure why I would, it's not like I have some big bad secret from my past that would cause me to not trust ever again or anything like that...

We did our motivational giftings last Friday with Ps. Liz, it was awesome, I've been hanging out for about 3 months do do them because I honestly can't recall what I got last time I did them. When I was younger, I can recall having the administrator gifting as my highest, but those days are long gone methinks. Anyways, this time I got: 1. Server, 2. Compassion, 3. Teacher... So yeah, I was rather happy, because those three things are kinda cool...although I wouldn't mind being the others sometimes...especially perceiver but usually I'm pretty happy with what I have...the next meeting we'll be doing personality types, eg. choleric, melancholy, etc. I'm about %95 sure I'm a melancholic / phlegmatic, but hey surprise me.

Another thing that God has been revealing to me is the issue of manipulation. When I was younger...much younger...I used to have this thing where I would scab food off people, yeah I know, I know, kinda a bit odd...anyway I got to this point and I'm not exactly sure what kick started it but I basically made the decision where I would never put myself in a place where people could say that I made them do something, never blame me for manipulating them. I got very independent...in my mind at least...and all was well...it's only lately that I've come to see that this is a really big problem. I absolutely HATE confrontation because it makes me have to stand up for myself and possibly change someone's mind or get them to 'do what I want'...every time it happens my mind starts screaming at me. I have a hard time accepting help or compliments from people, because I don't want them to feel pressured into something that they don't have to do, etc., etc., etc., the list goes on. It's really drained any potential I have for leadership because I have always refused to take authority. But yeah, God is working on me so it's all good.

We've been going through evangelism in young adults. I've never been big on it myself, much the opposite in fact, because I've never really been much of a people person, but it's pretty good, we've been watching a seminar by a Julian someone from New Zealand talking on the six steps to church growth. His definition of evangelism is that it is proclaiming the gospel, not basing it on results, because that is bringing the most glory to God, and that's what evangelism is. He was saying that the two main purposes of the church are worship and evangelism, and both don't work without the other...all other minor purposes revolve around those two...and yeah, it's just been really good, haha, I can't wait for the opportunity to start doing it... Speaking of young adults, Renae and Anthony are the best! You guys rock my socks, you are a real inspiration and I thank God for the opportunity to grow together and get to know you guys more...

Well, that about wraps this blog entry up I suppose...

GB
Cheerio, D-Man

The veil is torn away

Well, the veil is torn away. I'm see a bit more of a bigger picture to do with dreams and desires. It's all started clicking as it were...the thing is...we are people of desire, in fact some people go so far as to say that we ARE desire, I dunno about that but I do know that you show me a man without a single desire and I'll show you an empty shell. A man's (human race inclusive) strength come's from his desires, without them he is not a man at all, he's pretty much an animal.

ANYWAY...before we ask Christ into our lives, we are evil... 'for the heart of man is in enmity towards God / eternally wicked' depending on what translation you read, we still have dreams and desires but they are small, selfish, meaningless desires. When we come to Christ we receive the heart of Christ.. 'therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation' ...'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you' ... 'I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh' etc. etc. etc. there are a thousand and one verses I could list off to get my point across.

There's a verse in the bible that says something like 'stay focused on God and He will give you the desires of your heart'..this has always caught me, in fact I've been in about the same rut for the last year or so of thinking, yeah, my desires ARE good even when they weren't necessarily. I've been wondering why my desires seems to be more of a hindrance to me when I thought it was supposed to be all scriptural and stuff and it suddenly hit me (with help from various sources indirectly) 'the old man is crucified with Christ' ... 'that old has passed away all things have become new' ... God doesn't give us OUR crappy desires, fact 1: If we don't get it from God, it's not going tobe beneficial for us anyway, fact 2: God's plan for our lives is much greater than we can possibly imagine. When we get saved God is already thinking of the bigger picture, that is why He tells us to sacrifice our desires...look at Abraham for the most famous example of that...We are called to focus on God and He will give us the desires of our heart..what heart do we now have? The heart of Christ.

I propose that God gives us His desires, and it is THOSE that we are called to hang on to..our own desires end up taking us astray and into not very nice places, as I've had to learn the hard way. The trick is killing OUR desires to make way for God's perfect plan for us...being empty vessels for God to use as He wills. This is a pretty touch call, even harder to follow through than to have revelation over. Barlow Girl put it awesomely in their song Surrender, 'Surrender you whisper softly to me, but my dreams are me, will I dream again?' I did have more on this topic this morning when I was thinking about it, but time it seems has displaced my memory and so I shall finish there...hopefully someone got something out of this, I know I did...

In other news, I've been coming back to the whole selfish thing, it seems I have a lot more to deal with than on first thought and I'm only having little success, but never fear...God will get me there, haha yer, if you think I'm being selfish, don't be afraid to pull me up on it..it'll be a good exercise in humility which I can never get enough of, anyway I'll leave you with a song that's been speaking to me recently. It's by a damn awesome band called Red off their debut album 'End of Silence'

Pieces
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from You
A broken mess
Just scattered pieces of who I am

I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole

I've come undone
But You make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand

When I see Your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole

I tried so hard
So hard
I tried so hard
So hard

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole
You can make me whole

Until next time, Cheerio
D-Man