Fear, Uncertainty, and Trials

I've been feeling a little lost for the last week. Where God's voice was so clear to me the two weeks before this, I feel like I've been moving through a thick dark fog. If anything I have felt like I'm moving further from His will as the days progress. I am a fickle creature. Sometimes it amazes me how sure I am of God and then how unsure I become in the same breath. I have so much that pulls me to God. So many rich experiences, and yet I doubt. How can I doubt? My only comfort is that even the greats of the Bible experienced doubt in their lives.

One thing that I have been noticing lately, is how much clearer God is in my suffering. Its always those times of desperation, of pleading, of darkness and pain. Those times where my heart cries out, when I am alone. Is this the way it is meant to be? Are the trials in life the only times we can be close to our Father? Always during the daylight, my heart drifts. I get distracted far to easily. As if the pain snaps me back to reality. Those times when I'm the most lost. And yet, God is always calling out to me, even when I can barely hear Him.

Even this morning there were a few things that were brought home to my soul. One of them the fact that I have always lived in the idea that I can't. I don't have enough strength on my own. I am afraid to walk my own path. Is He letting me walk on my own two feet without help to teach me? Is God telling me I can? That I have the strength? Is He encouraging me with his absence?

Someone told me, that the Israelites in the time of the great judges went through so much because God was teaching them how to fight. A necessary skill for what was to come. He was honing a resilience in them for the coming days. Teaching them to stand on their own two feet. To fight for their freedom and to fight to hold onto it. Is He doing the same with me? This thought is at once encouraging and scares me to my core.

Balance and Distraction

One of the main things that is on my mind lately is balance. Balance in myself and balance in my relationships. I have been realizing ever so slowly the work God has been doing in my life to make me into the man He wants me to be.

For so long I've held on to fears, insecurities and childish notions that hold me back from myself. It has been a difficult road.

I remember 3 years ago, my old pastor told me that God was wanting to shake things up in my life, and rip things out, so that my foundations would be solid and unshakable. Ever since those fateful words, my world has not been a stable one. God is indeed doing what he said he would, and this is but the latest in a long series of lessons he is teaching me. Slowly, painfully, and frustratingly I am coming to see the big picture.

I have seen that all my wires are crossed in the wrong ways. I hold onto what I should not, and discard what I should hold onto without a second thought. Part by part I am being stripped bare, dismantled and broken apart, only to be remade correctly, but it is a slow journey, fraught with danger.

Sometimes, I worry that one slip up will destroy the fragile balance, sometimes I feel like I am taking one step forward but two steps back. But through it all I can feel God close to me, encouraging me to move forward, encouraging me to trust in Him and those close to me.

It is hard. It is one of the scariest things I've ever done. For the longest time I guarded my heart, but I guarded it from the wrong things. I guarded it from intimacy, and from vulnerability. I built a fortress around myself in protection. My problems haunt me there. They became demons to torment me in my solace. Snarling at me, and feeding on my fears. My fortress because something not to keep others out, but to keep me locked inside. My own prison.

Brick by brick, I am taking back ground, my heart is slowly being restored to fullness. I get the feeling it will be a lifelong journey, after all I can never reach perfection in this lifetime, only the next.

Its funny, when I first moved up here, we had a traveling preacher visit our church. A powerful man of God. He told me things about myself that no one else knew but me and God. The last thing he told me was to get connected. I didn't understand then as I do now. I didn't do anything about it, until now. God has been calling me for a long time, that still small voice, that I often miss in all my distractions. Always it has been the same things. Intimacy. Trust. Connection. Letting go. Remove distractions. For the last 5 years the message has been clear and yet hidden.

Distraction. It has played a large part in my life. I would do anything to be distracted. Wrap myself up in books, video games, movies. Not once did I focus on God. On a relationship with Him. I focused on his nebulous God-ness, rather than reaching out to him as Father, as the lover of my soul.

Ever so slowly his voice reached me, a word here, a word there, until finally it clicked. Distractions. Remove them. Even now, with his command ringing in my ears I find it easy to get distracted. A little MSN here, a video game there, maybe I'll watch a movie or some anime. I wonder what's on YouTube? DeviantArt? Oh look at the time, I guess I'll have to read my Bible tomorrow, sorry God no time for you.

It is getting better. Slowly. I am starting to recognize the urge, and to counteract it. I believe that is one of the main reasons I am hearing and seeing God a LOT more now than I ever have before. The voices in my head dim and fade away, and that voice that was ever so soft yet persistent, becomes the roaring lion. The one that must be listened to above all else.

I make many mistakes. I cannot change that. All I can do is trust. And in trusting, things will become better. This I know. God has shown time and again that he is in control.

Blog Transfers

Ok, I've finished transferring all blog entries from all my pre existing blogs to this one... so if you feel like poking around down there be my guest :)

I would add a proper entry right now as I haven't posted anything in a good 7 months...and I had planned to, but I'm to tired to think coherently right now. So for now, enjoy everything else.