I don't know what to do anymore. This distance that separates us has seemingly also seeped into our hearts.
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the joy? I long to hold you in my arms, to see your eyes light upon seeing me again, to feel you shiver in delight as I kiss you, like every time was the first.
Where has it all gone?
Every day is like standing on the knife edge. I can measure it. Have I had a good day? What could I have done better? Have I made your day better for being there? How do I reach you?
Every failure takes you one step further away from me. Each mistake threatens to shatter an already fragile connection.
My heart is aching constantly for you. I don't feel like you enjoy being with me anymore and worse I feel like it is all my fault. I hate my inability to express how I feel. I hate my insensitivity and the way I can't make you feel comforted and safe.
I don't want an end I just wish for a beginning and I fear what the future brings.
There is a wall of ice that has frozen over our hearts. Every beat brings forth more pain, like a dagger wound.
The life I once knew the joy I could feel almost like an aura has gone and all I feel is a deep deep rooted sadness and despair.
I want to give up but my heart betrays me.I made a promise. Not one but two. And there is the hope. It wells up inside me, reminding me of the past in the face of a barren future leading me stumbling on, blinding trusting until I fall over yet again.
I made a promise to you and I made a promise to God that I would see this through, that I would never leave you no matter what it costs me.
I felt God tell me, days, weeks, months ago? I cannot remember, it isn't important. I remember he told me to hold on no matter what, that he was leaving me but he would be back.
Every time before there was almost a fierce rush inside me to protect you, to protect us. "Don't let it end like this. Go to her. Make things better. Show her you truly love her. Eat your pride and admit how wrong you were."
I felt God telling me that things would get bad, that I had to be diligent or I would lose you forever. The premonition was very deeply convicting. I had no idea what it entailed and I simply thought to myself I can do that.
I was naive.
It has come true. It is make or break time and I am struggling so hard. Be a man! I am trying. I don't know what it is to be a man but I will try. Be strong! I have never been strong before but I will try. I wish I knew what to do. How to be a man. My own father cannot help me, for he is as much a boy as I am.
I know God is calling me to be a man. I know God is teaching me to love unconditionally, even when I would rather be doing anything else. No that is wrong. I would not rather be doing anything else. I just wish the past and the future were one, that this darkness would lift and we would be happy together again.
I have made so many mistakes. Blown it, to the point where I must be perfect or I will fail completely. No more second tries. And I deserve it, I know I do.
I need God so badly. He is the only one that will never fail. He is so distant. It is winter all over again despite being so hot outside. I know that these times are a time of trust where he wants us to grow but I feel so helpless and alone.
It's funny how the seasons change. The summer is a time of joy, everything seems to go right and God feels so close. The autumn is where the dead branches and leaves start to fall and things in your life get shaken. Winter is a time to baton down the hatches and prepare for the long haul. God feels the most distant and pain and loneliness are close. Then the spring comes again and you feel hope for the first time.
Winter seems to be almost the eternal season of my life.
I know that God brought you to me. I know that. I know that we were made for each other. I know that. I know how well we work together. I've seen it. I've been there. It blows me away, its like clockwork. Like we were fragmented. A mess of puzzle pieces that came together to build one complete picture. Why do I feel so alone?
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you
Isaiah 54:10
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the joy? I long to hold you in my arms, to see your eyes light upon seeing me again, to feel you shiver in delight as I kiss you, like every time was the first.
Where has it all gone?
Every day is like standing on the knife edge. I can measure it. Have I had a good day? What could I have done better? Have I made your day better for being there? How do I reach you?
Every failure takes you one step further away from me. Each mistake threatens to shatter an already fragile connection.
My heart is aching constantly for you. I don't feel like you enjoy being with me anymore and worse I feel like it is all my fault. I hate my inability to express how I feel. I hate my insensitivity and the way I can't make you feel comforted and safe.
I don't want an end I just wish for a beginning and I fear what the future brings.
There is a wall of ice that has frozen over our hearts. Every beat brings forth more pain, like a dagger wound.
The life I once knew the joy I could feel almost like an aura has gone and all I feel is a deep deep rooted sadness and despair.
I want to give up but my heart betrays me.I made a promise. Not one but two. And there is the hope. It wells up inside me, reminding me of the past in the face of a barren future leading me stumbling on, blinding trusting until I fall over yet again.
I made a promise to you and I made a promise to God that I would see this through, that I would never leave you no matter what it costs me.
I felt God tell me, days, weeks, months ago? I cannot remember, it isn't important. I remember he told me to hold on no matter what, that he was leaving me but he would be back.
Every time before there was almost a fierce rush inside me to protect you, to protect us. "Don't let it end like this. Go to her. Make things better. Show her you truly love her. Eat your pride and admit how wrong you were."
I felt God telling me that things would get bad, that I had to be diligent or I would lose you forever. The premonition was very deeply convicting. I had no idea what it entailed and I simply thought to myself I can do that.
I was naive.
It has come true. It is make or break time and I am struggling so hard. Be a man! I am trying. I don't know what it is to be a man but I will try. Be strong! I have never been strong before but I will try. I wish I knew what to do. How to be a man. My own father cannot help me, for he is as much a boy as I am.
I know God is calling me to be a man. I know God is teaching me to love unconditionally, even when I would rather be doing anything else. No that is wrong. I would not rather be doing anything else. I just wish the past and the future were one, that this darkness would lift and we would be happy together again.
I have made so many mistakes. Blown it, to the point where I must be perfect or I will fail completely. No more second tries. And I deserve it, I know I do.
I need God so badly. He is the only one that will never fail. He is so distant. It is winter all over again despite being so hot outside. I know that these times are a time of trust where he wants us to grow but I feel so helpless and alone.
It's funny how the seasons change. The summer is a time of joy, everything seems to go right and God feels so close. The autumn is where the dead branches and leaves start to fall and things in your life get shaken. Winter is a time to baton down the hatches and prepare for the long haul. God feels the most distant and pain and loneliness are close. Then the spring comes again and you feel hope for the first time.
Winter seems to be almost the eternal season of my life.
I know that God brought you to me. I know that. I know that we were made for each other. I know that. I know how well we work together. I've seen it. I've been there. It blows me away, its like clockwork. Like we were fragmented. A mess of puzzle pieces that came together to build one complete picture. Why do I feel so alone?
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you
Isaiah 54:10
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