The Morning Free

The skies open up, revealing a hint of color within the grey
I stare at you in wonder, no words come I don't know what to say
They say that such a wonder a man is lucky to find in a lifetime
I am truly amazed that God would lead me, and you would by mine

I am not so good at showing how I feel, although I do try
I feel powerless as I fall into your beautiful brown eyes
When you leave me I feel so alone, and hope you won't be long
For when you are with me you complete me and make me strong

The beauty of this moment as the clouds fall away is eclipsed
You grace that you show me time and again is not to be missed
Your precious quality unfurls with each step that you take
I remember again my promises and how happy I wish you to make

And I suddenly feel moved to tears, as you hold my hand
You have watered and planted in this barren desolate land
The warmth of your hand in mine, goes beyond this plane
And gives me a glimpse of heaven on earth, I am changed

You are my soulmate, my all, the one who owns my heart
I never realized just how much you did, right from the start
The clouds pull back, revealing a dawn, fiery and glorious
Rich with hues of purple and red, as if God painted this canvas

We silently watch the sun rise and my heart is full of warmth
The smile I feel comes to bear and touches my face's form
I am content to be here, sharing this moment with you alone
You are the pinnacle of the moment, the final brush stroke

You are the goddess of this morning, my pièce de résistance
The work of art that is in you is not eclipsed in these lands
I suddenly feel the urge to surround you with my embrace
To protect your spirit with my strength, the fragilest of lace

I feel your sudden resistance melt away as I tentatively kiss
Oh such wonder, surely nothing will ever compare to this
The intimacy, such a rush of feeling I hope will never leave
A moment of joy and passionate release, one heart in you and me

The sun peeks over the horizon, splaying warmth onto our face
The heat that does not compare to what we feel, in this place
You are the one, I know it for true, I've longed for all these years
In you I reside, in you I confide and I cast away all my fears

Together we are and together we remain, our lives intertwined
I am so glad that God has lead me to you, my life defined
A single moment so precious, I barely breath, contentment and peace
Your eyes shine at me as we finally pull back, breathelessly cease

I offer my hand and we start to slowly dance, revelling together
This is the way it should be, the way it will be for forever
Our feet shuffle on the wooden porch as we hold each other close
Not aware of the canvas of color surrounding us as the sun rose

Years have passed and time slows, but your smile is still the same
You hair is a different color and the years have worn your frame
Your eyes and your heart still captivate me, then as much now
I still see you as you were back when, a delicate enchanting flower

A smile is hardly necesary anymore, but it still captivates our lips
As we stare at one other under another sunrise, melt under a kiss
You're my baby, my bride, my angel, I love you more than ever before
You have changed my soul completely, I look forward to more

You believed in me, as no one ever did, showed me the better way
As I looked into your eyes, you loved me and a better man was made
You are still even more beautiful than the dawn, and you'll always be
Together, just us, our love, God, the dance, the sun, and the morning free

Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-14

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Distance

I don't know what to do anymore. This distance that separates us has seemingly also seeped into our hearts.

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the joy? I long to hold you in my arms, to see your eyes light upon seeing me again, to feel you shiver in delight as I kiss you, like every time was the first.

Where has it all gone?

Every day is like standing on the knife edge. I can measure it. Have I had a good day? What could I have done better? Have I made your day better for being there? How do I reach you?

Every failure takes you one step further away from me. Each mistake threatens to shatter an already fragile connection.

My heart is aching constantly for you. I don't feel like you enjoy being with me anymore and worse I feel like it is all my fault. I hate my inability to express how I feel. I hate my insensitivity and the way I can't make you feel comforted and safe.

I don't want an end I just wish for a beginning and I fear what the future brings.

There is a wall of ice that has frozen over our hearts. Every beat brings forth more pain, like a dagger wound.

The life I once knew the joy I could feel almost like an aura has gone and all I feel is a deep deep rooted sadness and despair.

I want to give up but my heart betrays me.I made a promise. Not one but two. And there is the hope. It wells up inside me, reminding me of the past in the face of a barren future leading me stumbling on, blinding trusting until I fall over yet again.

I made a promise to you and I made a promise to God that I would see this through, that I would never leave you no matter what it costs me.

I felt God tell me, days, weeks, months ago? I cannot remember, it isn't important. I remember he told me to hold on no matter what, that he was leaving me but he would be back.

Every time before there was almost a fierce rush inside me to protect you, to protect us. "Don't let it end like this. Go to her. Make things better. Show her you truly love her. Eat your pride and admit how wrong you were."

I felt God telling me that things would get bad, that I had to be diligent or I would lose you forever. The premonition was very deeply convicting. I had no idea what it entailed and I simply thought to myself I can do that.

I was naive.

It has come true. It is make or break time and I am struggling so hard. Be a man! I am trying. I don't know what it is to be a man but I will try. Be strong! I have never been strong before but I will try. I wish I knew what to do. How to be a man. My own father cannot help me, for he is as much a boy as I am.

I know God is calling me to be a man. I know God is teaching me to love unconditionally, even when I would rather be doing anything else. No that is wrong. I would not rather be doing anything else. I just wish the past and the future were one, that this darkness would lift and we would be happy together again.

I have made so many mistakes. Blown it, to the point where I must be perfect or I will fail completely. No more second tries. And I deserve it, I know I do.

I need God so badly. He is the only one that will never fail. He is so distant. It is winter all over again despite being so hot outside. I know that these times are a time of trust where he wants us to grow but I feel so helpless and alone.

It's funny how the seasons change. The summer is a time of joy, everything seems to go right and God feels so close. The autumn is where the dead branches and leaves start to fall and things in your life get shaken. Winter is a time to baton down the hatches and prepare for the long haul. God feels the most distant and pain and loneliness are close. Then the spring comes again and you feel hope for the first time.

Winter seems to be almost the eternal season of my life.

I know that God brought you to me. I know that. I know that we were made for each other. I know that. I know how well we work together. I've seen it. I've been there. It blows me away, its like clockwork. Like we were fragmented. A mess of puzzle pieces that came together to build one complete picture. Why do I feel so alone?




Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you
Isaiah 54:10

Deep within me

I am broken. I am selfish. I try to get out of everything. I am a coward. I am lazy. I am insensitive. I am unlovable. I make big mistakes. I am unchanging.

I feel like I will lose you if I don't change. But I also feel powerless to change.

I've gone through my whole life being comfortable where I am, not wanting more or less. Not seeing all my imperfections and selfishness. Then you came along. You showed me that there was more and it was worth fighting for. You became my mirror, showing me the ugliness within myself. My soul constantly fights with my heart trying to get me to stay in my own comfortable world. I shy away from you and the ugliness you force me to see about myself.

I am alone when you leave me and I know it more than I've ever known it before. My heart aches and my soul in its respite finally agrees. As much as I am a war torn desolate empty land, there is a truce between them. I don't know how long it will last.

I am so selfish and I am used to wanting, having and doing things my way. I put my wants before yours and push you away, slowly sealing you off from me forever. How can I be such a hypocrite?

I am prideful and I hate having to rely on others for help. My soul rejects the possibility almost subconsciously even while my heart cries out to show my pain, to be heard amidst the rain.

I am lazy and comfortable. I know what is right, and I know what I must do but I don't. You shake up my world and force me to see the truth that I don't want to see. I hide from you as much as I hide from myself.

I am a coward. I live in fear of love and intimacy and most of all you. I don't trust you to love me wholly because I make mistake after mistake. My beauty is marred by imperfections and flaws. I am not just thousands of tiny cracks running through a ruby, but I am shattered pieces of stone. I live to die at my own hand because I cannot face my own truth.

I am my own mirror. You helped me see that. You force me to look at myself and see that I am also a mirror, I had long since broken the surface of myself to forget what I looked like. But the problem with that is that now I walk through a sea of shattered glass, scarring and bloodying me.

I rely on only myself, in a world designed for two and more. I feel but am numb at the same time. I have locked away the parts of my heart that truly matter. Only now when I feel despair do I realize how foolish I have been to throw away the key.

My heart cries out piteously for help, it is dying and weak. I have had so many opportunities to save it but I have drifted. I do not care. I need to change. I do not care. I need to be better. I do not care. I am lonely. I am comfortable I do not care.

It has been so long since I was alive. Society has killed me with cheap tricks. Knock offs to dull the pain and remove my passion. I can pretend I am happy by living in distractions. Only for so long.

My heart dreams of green. Trees and woods. Wild untamed lands. Me and God and my lover. The one who makes me whole and the one who completes me. Three who become one. Adventure and love and struggle. Pioneering on uncharted frontiers. No worries. Dreams they are and dreams they remain.

I want to cry. I want to die. I need to be strong. I need to change. I want to lie. I want nothing. I need to learn. I need to become desperate. How much longer?

I cannot promise anything. I cannot promise I will become better. I have lost my way. The best I can do is try and hope.

Hope that wellspring within me. It is almost as dry as my heart. It haunts me, whispers to me. Can I listen?

Will you still love me for who I am knowing I may never change?



God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?
Numbers 23:19