I miss you

I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you cry
I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you speak
I miss the way you say my name
I miss the way we tease each other
I miss the way you are always there
I miss the way you brighten up my day
I miss the way I can fall alseep to your voice
I miss the way I can wake up to your quiet breathing
I miss the way you comfort me when I'm sad or tired
I miss you

Pain

Sadness. Tears. Grief. Hurt. Loneliness. Emptiness. Numbness. Anger. Darkness. Despair. Death.

I feel.
Fear.
What do I do? Where do I go?

No one to help me through but myself, and I fail miserably.
Time and time again.
Full of shame at my failures.

How can I be so full and yet so empty?
Years go by and I accomplish nothing of consequence.
Life goes to waste and I can do nothing.

Arguments with those closest, roll overheard like stormy clouds, leaving a sickening sense of dread in the stomach.

Doubt.
Am I wrong?
Am I right?
Pushed down. Never dealt with.
The well is covered over and forgotten.
And with it I lose my humanity.

I fail once again.
One for each decision I make.
Will I ever make it? Even once?

My heart cries out in pain.

Dismantle. Repair.

One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

- anberlin

The Golden Compass

Ok people rant alert.

* This was in all respects labeled as a kids movie. I watched a talking polar bear fully rip another polar bear's jaw off and see it sailing across the screen. He then snaps the other bear's neck. Now I don't have a problem watching this stuff, hell I've seen far worse...but that to me isn't and shouldn't be labeled a kids movie.

* The whole premise of the movie was that existence was a multiverse connected by dust and in one of these verses people have animal familiars. These familiars are cute and cuddly for the most part...generally reflecting their owner ie. good person, good animal, etc. etc. These animals are telepathically linked to their 'owners' kinda like the Dragons of Pern for all you book lovers or Eragon and Saphira for all you movie lovers. The rules are that whatever the familiars feel the owner feels and vice versa including death. Ok. Yep that's all cool. All that to say this

What I didn't like was the fact that the familiars were called demons ... or 'daemons' if you want to go with the ye olde english way of spelling it. Same thing. Now if demonas actually do exist, and in all folklore and mythology of every culture in the world they are painted in a bad light. Why for FUCKS SAKE DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM CUTE AND CUDDLY THINGS THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAVE IN A KIDS MOVIE!?!?!? Oh...wait... I remember, this ISN'T a kids movie is it? There's death by jaw removal. Damn marketers. 3P1C 9H41L!

* 3d Animals. Since Babe there has been an explosion of 3d animals in cinema. Quite frankly although currently incredibly impressive, the animated animal kingdom are nowhere near real enough to be using as lead roles in movies. They detract from the realism of the movie and take away from the immersion that is supposed to take place when you watch any good movie.

* There were a lot (and I mean a LOT) of big named actors in the movie, but once again, bad directing has let them all go to waste.

* The acting was reasonable, but the plot sucked. There were just TO MANY THREADS! None of which were properly explained. The film seems like a rushed, badly written copy of The Chronicles of Narnia made to scab money and freak out little children.

/End of rant

Stress

yrbwbyrWywyWYbwywrywYRwRYw
ybw
yw
yw
yw

*the sound of me pounding my keyboard in frustration*

People is People

I've decided I don't really know how to write blogs anymore.

Rambling

*sigh* I'm tired, and feeling sick,
and feeling empty.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...

Right here, amidst the uncertainty.
Uncertainty of the future is where I'm supposed to live.
And yet I hate not knowing.

I am a fool.

Sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.
This is a lie. Things are never better tomorrow.

Wounded hearts. Fragility.

I play my games to forget. And fall
Fall into the trap of forgetting too much.

I am a fool.

Dreams come and go. Fade into nothing or blossom like a rose.

Color me blue, I'm waiting...

Differences between men and women

Ok, I posted this once before ages and ages ago, but it's so good, so to get away with not posting a proper blog, I'm gonna post it again :P hehehe, surprisingly there are some words of wisdom hidden in the humor ^.^

1. NAMES
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Update on life

Well it seems like months since I last blogged... wait, it HAS been months! This year is already nearing an end. It feels like everything has been put on hold for the year. After last year, where everything happened and kept happening, it's almost been a blessing just to take a year off, but in all honesty I also feel like I haven't made much progress. Old habits die hard as the saying goes, and I'm finding this exceptionally true, much as I fight against them more and more.

Ever so slowly I have been rediscovering God throughout the year, although sometimes I feel that the small amount of progress must be frustrating for us both. Since moving I have felt a freedom that I never really felt before while living down south, and the amount of acceptance I have been shown has amazed me.

I've realized that the healing process is a slow one. You get to a point where you think that you've moved on and then something will trigger a painful memory and you are right back where you started.

I still have a long, long way to go to letting my heart completely open up, and the journey scares the hell out of me. All I can say is please don't give up on me, because thats the only way I'll ever make it.

Memories

Lost in my memories, I see nothing else
Stuck in my past, reliving the love that I felt
Those days are gone now, but I cannot see
The days gone by, when I was the most free

As I lay down to sleep, alone and confused
Images flash past, reliving the news
My failures, my blame, the day I ruined it all
A perfect life destroyed, stolen by a fool

Every past mistake, every little wrong
Come back and haunt me, seducing me with song
To end it all, no one would know
To end the torment, and simply go

Rain softly falls, outside on the window
Lightning flashes, thunder roars, wind blows
The storm outside, is mirrored in my heart
As my sanity, starts to crumble apart

Resolve to keep living, has gone away
Taking everything, as I wish it would stay
What am I to do, the question haunts me
Angels and devils ignore my plea

Alone in silence, I try to feel
Only to know the numbness I yield
Anything at all, my mind screams out
In reply, not a whisper, not a shout

I tried so hard, to make things right
Only to be to late, to put up a fight
The weight of my sins, drag me down
To the bottom of the river, where I drown

Wanting to forget, remembering nothing else
Seeking forgiveness, within this hell
A resolution, to move forward
To live again, looking onward

A glimmer of hope begins to shine
Through the darkness, given time
To love again, one day soon
A dream so fragile, it breaks upon the wound

And yet it remains, ever locked away
Waiting for the moment, to see the light of day
In the distant future, a wave upon the shore
A sound is heard, glimmering hope for all

Day Late Friend

Well, these are the lyrics to a song that is kinda deep for me by a band by the name of Anberlin off their Never Take Friendship Personal album:

So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough we both have significant others

Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

But thoughts they change and times they rearrange I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more then I remember
Can't help but entertain these thoughts
Thoughts of us together

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

My day late friend

So let me get this straight
All these years and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

This has a lot of meaning for me. When I first heard it I absolutely hated it on account of the lyrics. I had a typical boyish crush that I hoped would go places one day and this song drained the life out of that dream. Whenever I hear it now it takes me back to a time last year in the middle of winter. Me and my best mate had a sort of ritual where we'd just drive and drive and drive for hours on end (pretty expensive) anyway we were out in this typical late autumn, early winter scene, rough dirt road, a few forlorn evergreens interspersed with the standard leafless trees. A chilly wind was blowing a few dead leaves around under a dull grey, cloudy sky. We were simply driving through it all, in the nice toasty car with this album playing in the background. The coversation was about love and life and spirituality. At the time I had been going through a pretty rough time throughout the previous year because I was holding as tightly as I could to that fading dream even as it got further and further away from me. Simply put I was an emotional wreck, very easily up and more so very easily down. We were both going through similar things at the time and our conversation reflected that fairly deeply. Both of us took comfort in the other's company and the feeling that neither of us were alone in it.

Since I've moved I really don't get to see anyone from my old life, except in very brief glimpses. The song now speaks to me of exactly that type of situation. Old friends who are gone now reminiscing over old circumstances and situations in which they find themselves. Much the opposite of what I used to feel about it, it is actually a very comforting song for me to listen now. Of course, if you actually follow the lyrics it's also talking about (well to be fair, it's ACTUALLY talking about) Two old lovers who start to connect again while desperately trying to retain an aquaintance type relationship. Life brnigs them back together after they'd moved on from each other and it comes down to a choice to stay with their respective partners or get back together. But that part doesn't really hold much for me right now, just the base of it.

Well, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Maybe it's just enough that I right out my cluttered thoughts...

Lonely Memory Stains

How do you bear the pain
Of your lonely memory stains
They seep into everthing you do
Coloring your life shades of blue

Life brings them to the forefront
Despite anything that you want
It make you cry your tears
Over all of your lost years

The wreckage of your life
With all its pains and strife
Why would you live
With anything to give

All is eventually taken away
Everything falls, everything fades
Death whispers and seduces
Singing in many false hues

The one you loved for evermore
Has completely gone before
Leaving you this shallowness
With a heart full of hollowness

One day you will live again
No longer hide and depend
Spread your wings and fly
For hope only comes from the sky

This Wretched Man

For the last few months I've been fairly active on one particular Forum which is something I don't usually do, and I must say that I love it, I love the people that frequent it and the community that has grown up in it, but it struck me this morning as I was reading through a massive fall out between a division over one person's reasons for leaving. People look to forums to provide them with a sense of family that a lot of them don't get in real life a lot of the time. And it IS very easy to view them this way, however, it isn't a very solid foundation. It's like having all the perks but none of the quirks. Every single person who forums is free to leave at any time, and most of them do when things aren't 'going their way'. You just have to look at some of the massive flame wars that have started and ended on various forums around the iNet. Users 'get close' to other users and relate to them and with them just like a real community but unless more substantial actions are taken, this false sense of family stays only in the forums. As soon as something goes wrong, you just move onto the next forum.

As I was thinking this, it hit me out of the blue, that that type of relationship is exactly how I've been treating my life. I've always been extremely friendly with people but I've never reached out and been anyone's friend. I've never burdened my shoulders with that type of responsibility. I never got 'deep' enough with someone to even share my failures and fears as well as my success and strengths. To be open and vulnerable with people. (And blogging doesn't really count...it's like sending D&M off into the ether, you never really expect anything to come of it so it becomes easy) I don't think I have made that connection even once in my life.

At this point, I could say that I'll do better from now on now that I have had these revelations, but the sad truth is, I don't know whether I WILL do better. After 21 years of living I still haven't got it yet. I most I can do I try, yet this grates with everything in me. Stuff that I should have gotten right by now, I fail at, and all my skill and strength have not saved me.

------

Anime of the day: Air. This is a story about a guy who is basically a drifter. He travels around in search of the 'girl in the sky', a story that his mother told him when he was young and she was searching too. He has the ability to manipulate a doll puppet with his mind, which he used to get money for living and travelling. He soon comes to a town and the end of his money where he meets three young teenage girls. Each of these three come from very different backgrounds, but each has something in common. They come from a broken, disfunctional home, and they have a very fresh, mature outset of the world.

One by one our hero gets to the heart of each problem and manages to resolve the issues surrounding them until finally he comes to the last girl. This one is different. There seems to be a link between him and her and his search for the mysterious flying girl.

To make a long story short, it turns out that those born with the gift of flight were also cursed in ancient times to die an early death and take anyone that gets to close to them with them. In the end both the hero and heroine die, but they bring the miracle of love back into the girl's mother's heart.

I actually found the end to be a bit of an anticlimax after the series was building for so long, but like with most anime I've come to realize. The journey is more important than the destination. i also seem to be enjoying stories with sad endings a lot more than happy ones nowadays too. ^^

But meh, if you got through that blog without getting all depressed, then you're doing well. Writing about this sort of stuff gets it out of my system

Pandora's box of my heart

Why is it that things that we thought were done with keep coming back to haunt us? We find it so much easier just to lock everything away, and never look at it again.

I've been getting into various anime series' lately. They are very engrossing and pass the time. Today one of my mates recommended one to me... Kimi ga Nozomu Eien...roughly translates as The Eternity You Desire (although the English name for it is actually Rumbling Hearts). It is a love story between two people, and a story of life between four friends. It is full of deep sadness and joys. And as I got further and further into the series, I could feel things in my own heart begin to stir, desires that have been locked away for so long now. I had thought that I'd dealt with them and that they were simply gone. I even got to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but watching this has brought them to the surface and it bloody hurts.

At the same time I can feel all that is going on as if in a container that the lid hasn't fully been opened. And very shortly it will close again. Hopefully one day, I will someday be able to take down these barriers I've set for myself and finally heal my heart so that I can live.

Arigato and gomenasai for these words

Argumentative subjecture

I was going over http://www.gamedev.net/ forums (incidentally looking up gravity for a personal project I'm currently doing) when I came across a "religion" thread. At first I rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, ok, here we go, knowing full well that after about 10 posts it would start becoming an all out flame war between christianity and the world (as these things do) ... seriously guys, get over yourselves, either debate without resorting to verbal violence or don't debate at all, and debate DOESN'T mean "you worded this wrong so I'm going to take it literally even though I know it's not what you meant just so in my next post I can make fun of you and ridicule your arguments..." lame, lame, lame! ... and if you didn't hear me, yes thats what I said... lame! Wow, any preschooler can do that.

Anyway... I actually stayed on it for a good couple of hours, reading through the various arguments and counter arguments, most of which were not backed up by any facts what so ever. They all varied from the downright hilarious posts written by the comedic posters (thanks guys, you're awesome :D) to the typical forum trolls only there to argue everything while contradicting themselves the whole time to the deeply insightful posts from BOTH sides of the fence.

I think a lot of it was moot points from people who just don't want to concede that they might be wrong... we all know the type, they run around in circles with their logic... for instant a topic gets well and truly covered so they move onto the next topic and and cover that, to the next and the next until finally the one with the ego comes back to the first topic because they weren't satisfied with the answer and tries to ridicule it again... Bah! So tiresome. (And not being satisfied doesn't mean the explanation wasn't correct. For instance, I can prove that Gutenburg printed the first Bible but if you think it was someone else, we can argue until the cows come home about the fact without getting anywhere because you're not satsified with the truth.)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what religion we are (and we are all a religion, even aetheism which BELIEVES that there isn't a God... no unalterable proof either way), arguing "logic" (one guy even tried to claim that logic was based on HIS perception rather than absolute truth...I'm sorry dude, but logic is like maths...you put the same variables in the same equation, it'll always come out the same... if x actually equals 10.0, then just perceiving it as 9.53 doesn't make it the right answer) about it isn't going to shed any light because a.) people just don't want to admit that they might actually be wrong about their deeply ingrained belief in God or the lack thereof. b.) sooner or later you will come to the point where you actually ARE wrong about one particular thing based on your faulty non-perfect human ways of thinking (seriously, give me someone who knows 100% about eveything the CORRECT way about the Bible...oh wait, that would be the God in question, hmm ok) and c.) The way to get to someone isn't through argument (much as scientists tell you otherwise) it's through mutual respect and understanding...on which an online forum there seems to be none at all. You have to build up a relationship with people BFORE you start arguing them or, DUH! Of course they won't listen to what you have to say..

I dunno...just my two cents after a couple of hours of thinking and ruefully shaking my head.

BTW: Here's the link for anyone interested... it's rather large so I recommend not going there until you have a couple of hours free...

http://www.gamedev.net/community/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=61013&PageSize=25&WhichPage=11

EDIT: As of May 2012, I retract my statement about atheism being a religion. Strong atheism is, as they do believe there is no God, but weak atheism simply holds to the position of not knowing either way. Although sadly I feel that many atheists will swap between the two positions depending on the environment and how it suits them in an argument, there it is. A better statement by me would have been 'I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what framework we view the world from...' because we all view the world from a framework, atheist and theist, and we can all hold to our framework regardless of the facts presented to us.

In fact, these days I tend to be a lot more philosophical about the whole deal. I have learned that I will never know for certain 'the truth'. I will always have to trust someone, for my information, as I don't have the time or inclination to be a pioneer in every field to see the data and interpolate it myself. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that religion debates are another level of pointless altogether. As a christian, I trust God as he has always been there for me and that's that. I could have a much more productive time actively spending time with him and getting to know him and letting him change my life so that others can see him through me, than arguing with strangers about the finer points of occam's razor and speaking about and for a God I hardly know.

Searching the heart...

So what does it really mean to listen to your heart? Well the answer that first comes to mind is I have no freaking clue, but that doesn't hold up so well under interrogation so I've decided to write this blog in an attempt to explain the unexplainable to myself....don't worry if you get lost for I surely am right there with you :)

Well the problem is not how to listen to your heart...that comes later...the first obstacle is what IS your heart? In a triune being - Body / Soul / Spirit - where does the heart fit in? In a culture that is so love focused, why is it so important? If you went down the street today and asked the majority of people if they listen to their heart, I think the responses would be as varied as the sky.

Some people link the heart to the soul, and in a sense, I believe this is true. Your emotions, your heart, seem connected, especially in the instance of love..when you look at your lover, your heart pounds and the feelings attached are electric. But what IS your soul? Who you are, what you think, all your memories, how you feel, everything that makes your physical body you and not someone else, all these things make up your soul. So yes, your emotions are a part of your soul.

The question then becomes do your emotions flow out of your head or your heart? Almost anyone you talk to would probably say your heart straight up, however I don't believe this is entirely true. When God speaks to you, where does He speak to you? Through your heart, BUT is it an emotional response? No...it is much deeper than that, it goes beyond emotions.

When you're angry do you think you're angry or do you feel angry? Most people would say I feel angry! But if you think about it...you're only angry for the duration of thinking about it...as soon as you put your MIND (keyword) to something else, the anger soon fades. Another example: when you know something is true beyond all shadow of a doubt, do you just think it's true or do you know it's true? It just feels right. But you don't have to keep thinking about it for it to ontinue to feel right...that's the different. Somewhere in there is the answer, I believe... (to be continued at a later date, post back in from time to time :) or better yet, just subscribe!)

The ramblings of a bastard

Over the last month or so, a question has been in my head without a satisfying answer. "What is a christian?" Up until recently, I believed that we as christians are better than anyone else, that somehow purity in Christ makes us worthy. I would not have thought so, in fact I would have denied it profusely...if anyone asked me, I would have said we were no different, but subconsiously it was there. I had all the answers and the knowledge I needed to justify my existance and if I did anything wrong, well, God forgave me. I did try to do the right thing and fix myself of any problems that I might have, but of course no one can simply fix themselves. I created law and tried to adhere to it, but no one can live under law.

I ended up a mess. Outwardly I was fine, not a problem in the world, I was looked up to and respected my everyone I knew, even my closest friends didn't know what was going on, but inside, where's it's really important, I didn't even know myself anymore. I was so wrapped up in maintaining the kingdom that I'd built for myself, and defining who I was in what I did, being as busy as I could physically handle, trying to deal with my problems and failing every time. If you had have asked me how are you going? Yeah, not too bad, was my standard reply, and I even fooled myself into believing it. I knew there was something terribly wrong though, deep down, I wasn't being fufilled in anything anymore, my relationship with God was crumbling and everything around me was becoming more and more meaningless. God gave me ample opportunities to escape but I in my pride kept shutting Him out and trying to handle it myself and after a why my heart became numb, I simply couldn't feel it anymore.

Until finally one day, God gave me a wake up call, a reality check, whatever you want to call it, and a lot of things happened. I woke up at that point, and even though I tried to deny what a fool I had been at first, I knew it, everyone knew it, and eventually I had to simply admit my guilt. I did nothing for a while, simply trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do with my freedom. Eventually, although I still wanted to fix everything myself, I could see God telling me to let go, so I ended up leaving the remains of my life.

There is a thing that the aboriginals do as an initiation called walkabout, where one leaves everything and simply walks. The rules are that you cannot come back until you have found yourself and had a long chat. The purpose behind this is that so often humans in their busy lives define who they are by what they are, i.e. Jim's a builder...he builds stuff. Sounds pretty typical of how we describe someone...I'm an artist I can do amazingly creative works...not necesarily of genius, but satisfyingly creative. What happens when you take that away...what happens to Jim if he suddenly isn't a builder anymore? His very purpose in life is suddenly taken away, leaving him stranded. You see the problem with defining yourself by what you do, is that you don't know who YOU are anymore, so the question becomes...who am I? Thus the walkabout is intended to drive you away from your business, your defined norms, your qualifications, everything that might distract you from yourself and lets you rediscover your inner being or your heart. When the aboriginal boy goes and discovers himself, he comes back to the tribe as a man, knowing full well who he is.

Along the way the question came up "what is a christian?" Despite everything that had happened I knew that I was christian, despite the fact that I had failed miserably, and ruined myself, despite the fact that I didn't feel worthy to call myself christian and hadn't for a couple of months. Unlike many people, I don't get sudden light bulbs over my head turn on...I get brief glimpses of an answer for split seconds and then gone like the wind, leaving me frustrated and unable to answer, until finally enough time passes that I can finally see the big picture and I have an answer. The phrase I am a christian is actually a misnomer, and takes people away from the real answer to the question. 1 Corinthians 6:7-11 says (NKJ):

7 Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8 No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

And such were some of you, but you have been justified in Christ. There is only one fundamental difference between christians and non-christians. We've all made the same mistakes and have the same potential to destroy lives, create chaos. To take a phrase from the mathematical rule book...the lowest common denominator...everyone one of us is capable of the very worst things that humans have done. No matter how much we deny it, deep down we know it is true. Humans are a fallen race, always on the lookout for something to take them back to the glory of creation. The ONLY difference between non-christians and christians is a single word. "Yes". A christian has accepted Christ's free gift of salvation. His or her shame is taken away for all time in the eyes of God. When one accepts Christ into their lives they are not saying everything is better now, I will never have problems again and in face, this is true...nothing does change except that now there is hope for the future and that can never be taken away.

Everything to do with nothing and all in between

Well, being that I haven't written a blog in many suns, I decided to fly in inspiration and vanish into the murky depths of my dusty old blog. I'm not exactly sure what the dank air has in store for me, nor also wether my scribing pen will still work after so much corrosion but inspiration preveals.

I've been up in sunny Brisbane (and HOT!!!!!) for about a week now, looking for work and getting settled even though my stuff is still on the way, so that even if I do settle in, I'll still have to settle in later... :/ *cough*POINTLESS*coughcough* I have a new beast/mother of a PC 4.2gtz dual core CPU, 4gb DDR2 mem, 500gb HD setup in SATA II Raid, 512mb NVidia GForce 7950, and all that jazz...runs very sweetly for the old owner...namely me and I'm very happy with the whole shebang. But apart from all that...

I've been trying to gather the shreds of my frayed mind and soul and place them in some kind of patchwork semblance of order...things have been progressing rather slowly and painfully as I try to fit them in the wrong spots. God has been working on me a lot, and I've been trying to focus on Him and in true workings with both my phlegmatic and my melancholy nature, asking all the deeper shades of question while at the same time searching my soul for answers and finding none...but this is ok, for artistry and creativity are wrought on such paradoxial proverbs. I am looking forward to the future and to serving God with my gifts and simply being free. As all of us long to be free. In the truest nature of the word, freedom in Christ is something that we are all familiar and yet unaware of in our daily lives nd yet we strive for it as much as we possibly can, sometimes the focus shifts slightly and we find ourselves ensnared by looking at the gift rather than the giver and with a jolt we find ourselves laughing (or crying) at our stupidity and gazing in adoration at the lover of our souls.

The Fool and His Folly

There once was a jolly fool
And everybody thought he was cool
Until one day God a plan unfurled

Unbeknownst to all and to many
The fool was spending every spare penny
Thus was the fool trapped by his own folly

One day as the fool spent his last
A window of opportunity fell fast
Movement he saw from one and from many

A friendly man saw him there
With his wallet completely bare
And tried to reason him out

He realized he was caught
And paniced and faught
Until all his energy was spent

Realizing the error his ways
The fool sat and cried for days
Finding out the full damage his spending spent

To late was the cry
That the fool heard on nie
But could now not do a thing

His heart broke as he saw his closest friends
Hurt by what he'd done, call an end
Until finally all alone he wept

God called out to the fool there
All alone and totally bare
And asked to keep him company

The fool did desparately consent
And tried his best to repent
Of his past sins before God and man

In his future, consequences he saw there
Knowing that he would just have to bear
Even though his sin was taken

The fool became a wiser man that day
Than any of his life or his way
And prays for healing and restoration

Although the fool's future is uncertain
He relies on God to see though the curtain
And stopped spending his treasure on nothing

Spritual Disciplines

As most of you know, I had a bit of a talk on Sunday, and so as I promised a couple of people... here it is, posted in full:

Spiritual Disciplines
What can we do practically to prepare for heaven?

When we get saved, two processes occur.
o Justification happens instantly; think of it as a 'just as if I'd never sinned'. It is when Christ enters our heart for the first time and makes us new creations.
o The second thing that occurs is Sanctification an ongoing process where the Holy Spirit helps us to become more like Christ every day, going from glory to glory

Think of it as an 'already' and a 'not yet' e.g. I ALREADY belong in heaven, because Jesus saved me, but I'm NOT there YET, because God hasn't finished working in me.

These two processes need to be kept in balance with each other. Focusing only on justification leads to a lack of motivation, "If Jesus did it all for me then I don't have to do anything" while focusing only on sanctification can lead to the 'good works salvation' just like the Pharisees in the bible, Jesus quotes from Isaiah in Matthew 15:8 "These people show honour to me with words, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is worthless. The things they teach are nothing but human rules."

The word sanctification comes from the verb sanctify, which comes from the Greek word 'hagiazo' which means:
1. Set apart for sacred use, made holy and pure), consecrated.
2. Made holy, pure.
3. Sanctioned as with an oath or vow
4. To grant moral sanction to.
5. Made useful by holiness or spiritual blessing.

In the Bible, sanctification generally relates to a sovereign act of God whereby He "set's apart" a person, place or thing in order that His purposes can be accomplished. There are many occurrences of things being sanctified in the Old Testament.

o Exodus 29:43 "And there I will meet with the children of Israel, and the tabernacle shall be sanctified by My glory."
o Genesis: 2:3 "Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made."
o Hebrews 10:14 says, "For by one offering He (Talking about Jesus' death on the cross) has perfected forever those who are being sanctified."

How does sanctification occur?
Sanctification starts when we get saved. At the moment of conversion, the Holy Spirit enters our life. We are set free from sin and are able to do the good things that God has planned for us. Unlike people of places in the Bible, people still have the capacity to sin. Any new Christian will be able to tell you of the battle being waged in our mind between the old habits and the Spirit living inside us.

o Galatians 5:17: "For the flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish."
o In 1 John 3:2 it says "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."

It's talking about complete sanctification; however this won't occur in your earthly life. It is talking about after we die, or when Christ returns, when we receive new glorified / completely sanctified bodies.

How do we become sanctified?
The outward effects of sanctification are the fruits of the Spirit, listed in Galatians 5:22-23a "But the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." However, try as we might, we cannot sanctify ourselves, it's impossible to change ourselves by sheer power of will, you might escape some habits by doing so, but you'll always return to them sooner or later. The only way that we can be changed is through the Holy Spirit and His process of sanctification. However there are things that we can do to open the way for the sanctification process to occur. These things are the spiritual disciplines.

Discipline is almost a dirty word in our culture today; it always entails "stuff that we don't want to do". One definition that stood out to me was "any activity within our power that we engage in to enable us to do what we cannot do by direct effort." And it takes HARD WORK. Exercise is a great example. It's hard to do, especially when you're tired and all you want to do is sit in front of the TV and veg out for night, but the benefits are worth the pain. The Olympic athletes know about the worth of discipline, when they stand on that top tier holding their gold medal, they'll tell you the pain was worth it. And just as physical discipline has benefits so does spiritual discipline.

o Paul says to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:8 "Training your body helps you in some ways, but serving God helps you in every way by bringing you blessings in this life and in the future."
o And 1 Corinthians 9:26-27 "So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something - not just air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others."
o Hebrews 12:9 says "We have all had fathers here on earth who disciplined us, and we respected them. So it is even more important that we accept discipline from the Father of our spirits so we will have life."

Richard Foster, in his book 'Celebration of Discipline' uses two metaphors to illustrate the purpose of disciplines: a field and a path.

A farmer is helpless to grow grain; all he can do is provide the right conditions for the growing of grain. He cultivates the ground, he plants the seed, he waters the plants, and then natural forces of the earth take over and up come the grain. This is the way it is with the Spiritual Disciplines. They are a way of sowing to the Spirit.

The spiritual disciplines are "a means of receiving God's grace, they allow us to place ourselves before God so he can transform us." He goes on to say that the spiritual disciplines are like a narrow ridge with a sheer drop-off on either side: there is the abyss of trust in works on one side and the abyss of faith without deeds on the other. On the ridge there is a path, the disciplines of the spiritual life. We must always remember that the path does not produce change; it only places us where the change can occur.

The task for us then is to cultivate our daily lives into fertile ground in which God can bring growth and change. This is what the spiritual disciplines are all about.

What are the spiritual disciplines?
" Celebration
o Philippians 4:4 "Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy."
o Another version says "Rejoice in the Lord". Part of being a Christian is celebrating the good things that God gives us.
" Confession
o James 5:16 "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you."
o This is a very important part of being a Christian. Confession and accountability can be hard at the best of times, no one likes to screw up and even less admits to it. The open confession of our sins to one another helps us to understand and help each other. It provides an avenue for the grace of God to come into our lives and set us free.

" Fasting
o There are many examples of fasting in the bible, probably the most famous one being Jesus' temptation in the desert where he fasted for 40 days and nights. Fasting can have many purposes. David fasted for his first son from Bathsheba so that he might live. Jesus said that some kinds of spirits would only come out through fasting.

" Guidance
o John 16:13 "But when the Spirit of Truth comes, He will lead you into all truth. He will not speak His own words, but He will speak only what He hears [from the Father], and He will tell you what is to come."
o We all need guidance at some point, and God should always be our guide. Every effort should be made to hear the voice of God. Under Him, are the people He places in our lives, mentors, accountability partners and disciples.

" Prayer
o Ephesians 6:18a "Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need."
o Philippians 4:6 "Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks."
o Without communication, any relationship will fail. And that is all that prayer is, open and honest communication with God. He is open to hear us at any time on any subject.

" Service
o 1 Corinthians 12:5 "There are different ways to serve, but the same Lord to serve"
o Matthew 23:11 "and you should not be called 'Master', because you have only one Master, the Christ."
o Jesus was the greatest servant of all. He served almost everyone that He came into contact with. True service is about humility, not doing it to get approval or acclaim, but simply serving for God.

" Simplicity or Self Denial
o Matthew 6:21 "Your heart will be where your treasure is."
o Philippians 4:12 "I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens, when I have more than I need and when I don not have enough."
o Living simply, doesn't mean giving away all your possessions, is simply means that your possessions are not your focus. You don't use them to draw attention to yourself

" Solitude
o Solitude or time alone with God is a big must for a proper relationship, just as time alone with your spouse or best friend can be very important to grow the relationship, so it is with God. We NEED to take some time out to spend simply alone with God.

" Study
o 2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All scripture is given by God and is useful for teaching, for showing people what is wrong in their lives, for correcting faults and for teaching how to live right. Using scriptures, the person who serves God will be capable, having all that is needed to do every good work."
o The only way to learn about something is to study it, and the same is true of God. What better resource than Him own auto-biography, the Bible, to study from?

" Submission
o Ephesians 5:21 "Yield to and obey one another because you respect Christ."
o Matthew 23:10 "and you should not be called 'Master', because you have only one Master, the Christ."
o Submission can be one of the hardest disciplines to master. Everyone likes to have things done their own way. A great example of submission was King David, a man after God's own heart, who even though Saul tried to kill him many times, kept serving his king in the best way he knew, right up until Saul's death. Even then David avenged Saul, saying "You are responsible for your own death, You confessed by saying, 'I have killed the Lord's appointed king.'" (2 Samuel 1:16)

" Worship
o Romans 12:1 "So brothers and sisters, since God has shown us great mercy, I beg you to offer your lives as a living sacrifice to Him. Your offering must be only for God as pleasing to Him, whish is the spiritual way for you to worship."
o Hebrews 13:15 "So through Jesus let us always offer to God our sacrifice of praise, coming from lips that speak His name."
o John 4:24 "God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth."
o Many Christians these days think that worship is a 1/2 an hour of singing praise songs while a band gets up on stage and plays...nothing could be further from the truth. Worship is simply giving to God what is His due. Every part of the Christian walk can be tied into worship in some way. So even to worship is a spiritual discipline, the spiritual disciplines are all part of worship. As we worship, God's presence becomes real to us.

Cheerio, D-Man