Saturday, 1 March 2008
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Hope
I've been living in a fog of depression ever since I've moved. It's been diferent from normal in that it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind as is usually the case with depression. It has simply been in the background, subtly stealing my hope and joy, and draining the life from me. It has gotten a fair bit worse, mixing with the 'standard' depression because of various things going on in my life right now, mainly family issues, to the point where I would simply be sitting in front of my PC staring at the screen for hours not really doing anything.
I heard a song today from a band that I used to love called Pillar. I noticed on MySpace that they are releasing / have released a new album and I checked out the new songs they had posted up, which sound awesome. However it was an older song (which I now have on my blog) and as I listened to it I felt the first glimmer of hope I've felt in ages. It was instantly recognizable. I don't know if it will last, but it was very refreshing to say the least. Maybe it's a sign for the future? I don't know, but I can hope :)
I heard a song today from a band that I used to love called Pillar. I noticed on MySpace that they are releasing / have released a new album and I checked out the new songs they had posted up, which sound awesome. However it was an older song (which I now have on my blog) and as I listened to it I felt the first glimmer of hope I've felt in ages. It was instantly recognizable. I don't know if it will last, but it was very refreshing to say the least. Maybe it's a sign for the future? I don't know, but I can hope :)
Monday, 25 February 2008
Friday, 1 February 2008
Slowly Numb
I sit and stare at the roof, thinking of things left unsaid
They say that eyes mirror the soul and truth can be found if one looks
Thoughs swirling around in my mind, killing me slowly and leaving me dead
But my eyes only mirror a hole showing all the mistakes that I mistook
Life seems to be an endless dream, verging on a nightmare's edge
The fog of dreams hides pitfalls and drawing me mistakenly closer
Slipping and sliding towards the end, hit between the eyes with a sledge
Death becomes us all in the end, but what if I was chosen?
I feel and feel and don't feel enough, fear rises in its place, stealing joy
Will I fail, and will I fall? Emptiness overcomes my fears
Outside I smile and laugh and shrug it off but inside, I am just a lost little boy
I cover my eyes, willing calm, leaving me numb and drying my tears
Lost in the age old revelation that will can hide my pain and tears
I bury them deep in the murky depths, until they are one with my bones
My heart bears the pain, and slowly hardens throughout the years
As each tear and pain slowly turns my heart to stone
I have no time for regret yet sadness seems to follow me
I used to fight it off in my youth, but now I am all but spent
Oh to rid myself of shackles, grow wings, fly away, and be free
But the huge gap between me and my heart has been rent
They say that eyes mirror the soul and truth can be found if one looks
Thoughs swirling around in my mind, killing me slowly and leaving me dead
But my eyes only mirror a hole showing all the mistakes that I mistook
Life seems to be an endless dream, verging on a nightmare's edge
The fog of dreams hides pitfalls and drawing me mistakenly closer
Slipping and sliding towards the end, hit between the eyes with a sledge
Death becomes us all in the end, but what if I was chosen?
I feel and feel and don't feel enough, fear rises in its place, stealing joy
Will I fail, and will I fall? Emptiness overcomes my fears
Outside I smile and laugh and shrug it off but inside, I am just a lost little boy
I cover my eyes, willing calm, leaving me numb and drying my tears
Lost in the age old revelation that will can hide my pain and tears
I bury them deep in the murky depths, until they are one with my bones
My heart bears the pain, and slowly hardens throughout the years
As each tear and pain slowly turns my heart to stone
I have no time for regret yet sadness seems to follow me
I used to fight it off in my youth, but now I am all but spent
Oh to rid myself of shackles, grow wings, fly away, and be free
But the huge gap between me and my heart has been rent
Friday, 25 January 2008
I miss you
I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you cry
I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you speak
I miss the way you say my name
I miss the way we tease each other
I miss the way you are always there
I miss the way you brighten up my day
I miss the way I can fall alseep to your voice
I miss the way I can wake up to your quiet breathing
I miss the way you comfort me when I'm sad or tired
I miss you
I miss your smile
I miss the way you cry
I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you speak
I miss the way you say my name
I miss the way we tease each other
I miss the way you are always there
I miss the way you brighten up my day
I miss the way I can fall alseep to your voice
I miss the way I can wake up to your quiet breathing
I miss the way you comfort me when I'm sad or tired
I miss you
Pain
Sadness. Tears. Grief. Hurt. Loneliness. Emptiness. Numbness. Anger. Darkness. Despair. Death.
I feel.
Fear.
What do I do? Where do I go?
No one to help me through but myself, and I fail miserably.
Time and time again.
Full of shame at my failures.
How can I be so full and yet so empty?
Years go by and I accomplish nothing of consequence.
Life goes to waste and I can do nothing.
Arguments with those closest, roll overheard like stormy clouds, leaving a sickening sense of dread in the stomach.
Doubt.
Am I wrong?
Am I right?
Pushed down. Never dealt with.
The well is covered over and forgotten.
And with it I lose my humanity.
I fail once again.
One for each decision I make.
Will I ever make it? Even once?
My heart cries out in pain.
I feel.
Fear.
What do I do? Where do I go?
No one to help me through but myself, and I fail miserably.
Time and time again.
Full of shame at my failures.
How can I be so full and yet so empty?
Years go by and I accomplish nothing of consequence.
Life goes to waste and I can do nothing.
Arguments with those closest, roll overheard like stormy clouds, leaving a sickening sense of dread in the stomach.
Doubt.
Am I wrong?
Am I right?
Pushed down. Never dealt with.
The well is covered over and forgotten.
And with it I lose my humanity.
I fail once again.
One for each decision I make.
Will I ever make it? Even once?
My heart cries out in pain.
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
Dismantle. Repair.
One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change
I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change
I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
- anberlin
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
The Golden Compass
Ok people rant alert.
* This was in all respects labeled as a kids movie. I watched a talking polar bear fully rip another polar bear's jaw off and see it sailing across the screen. He then snaps the other bear's neck. Now I don't have a problem watching this stuff, hell I've seen far worse...but that to me isn't and shouldn't be labeled a kids movie.
* The whole premise of the movie was that existence was a multiverse connected by dust and in one of these verses people have animal familiars. These familiars are cute and cuddly for the most part...generally reflecting their owner ie. good person, good animal, etc. etc. These animals are telepathically linked to their 'owners' kinda like the Dragons of Pern for all you book lovers or Eragon and Saphira for all you movie lovers. The rules are that whatever the familiars feel the owner feels and vice versa including death. Ok. Yep that's all cool. All that to say this
What I didn't like was the fact that the familiars were called demons ... or 'daemons' if you want to go with the ye olde english way of spelling it. Same thing. Now if demonas actually do exist, and in all folklore and mythology of every culture in the world they are painted in a bad light. Why for FUCKS SAKE DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM CUTE AND CUDDLY THINGS THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAVE IN A KIDS MOVIE!?!?!? Oh...wait... I remember, this ISN'T a kids movie is it? There's death by jaw removal. Damn marketers. 3P1C 9H41L!
* 3d Animals. Since Babe there has been an explosion of 3d animals in cinema. Quite frankly although currently incredibly impressive, the animated animal kingdom are nowhere near real enough to be using as lead roles in movies. They detract from the realism of the movie and take away from the immersion that is supposed to take place when you watch any good movie.
* There were a lot (and I mean a LOT) of big named actors in the movie, but once again, bad directing has let them all go to waste.
* The acting was reasonable, but the plot sucked. There were just TO MANY THREADS! None of which were properly explained. The film seems like a rushed, badly written copy of The Chronicles of Narnia made to scab money and freak out little children.
/End of rant
* This was in all respects labeled as a kids movie. I watched a talking polar bear fully rip another polar bear's jaw off and see it sailing across the screen. He then snaps the other bear's neck. Now I don't have a problem watching this stuff, hell I've seen far worse...but that to me isn't and shouldn't be labeled a kids movie.
* The whole premise of the movie was that existence was a multiverse connected by dust and in one of these verses people have animal familiars. These familiars are cute and cuddly for the most part...generally reflecting their owner ie. good person, good animal, etc. etc. These animals are telepathically linked to their 'owners' kinda like the Dragons of Pern for all you book lovers or Eragon and Saphira for all you movie lovers. The rules are that whatever the familiars feel the owner feels and vice versa including death. Ok. Yep that's all cool. All that to say this
What I didn't like was the fact that the familiars were called demons ... or 'daemons' if you want to go with the ye olde english way of spelling it. Same thing. Now if demonas actually do exist, and in all folklore and mythology of every culture in the world they are painted in a bad light. Why for FUCKS SAKE DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM CUTE AND CUDDLY THINGS THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAVE IN A KIDS MOVIE!?!?!? Oh...wait... I remember, this ISN'T a kids movie is it? There's death by jaw removal. Damn marketers. 3P1C 9H41L!
* 3d Animals. Since Babe there has been an explosion of 3d animals in cinema. Quite frankly although currently incredibly impressive, the animated animal kingdom are nowhere near real enough to be using as lead roles in movies. They detract from the realism of the movie and take away from the immersion that is supposed to take place when you watch any good movie.
* There were a lot (and I mean a LOT) of big named actors in the movie, but once again, bad directing has let them all go to waste.
* The acting was reasonable, but the plot sucked. There were just TO MANY THREADS! None of which were properly explained. The film seems like a rushed, badly written copy of The Chronicles of Narnia made to scab money and freak out little children.
/End of rant
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Saturday, 8 December 2007
Sunday, 2 December 2007
Rambling
*sigh* I'm tired, and feeling sick,
and feeling empty.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...
Right here, amidst the uncertainty.
Uncertainty of the future is where I'm supposed to live.
And yet I hate not knowing.
I am a fool.
Sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.
This is a lie. Things are never better tomorrow.
Wounded hearts. Fragility.
I play my games to forget. And fall
Fall into the trap of forgetting too much.
I am a fool.
Dreams come and go. Fade into nothing or blossom like a rose.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...
and feeling empty.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...
Right here, amidst the uncertainty.
Uncertainty of the future is where I'm supposed to live.
And yet I hate not knowing.
I am a fool.
Sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.
This is a lie. Things are never better tomorrow.
Wounded hearts. Fragility.
I play my games to forget. And fall
Fall into the trap of forgetting too much.
I am a fool.
Dreams come and go. Fade into nothing or blossom like a rose.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Differences between men and women
Ok, I posted this once before ages and ages ago, but it's so good, so to get away with not posting a proper blog, I'm gonna post it again :P hehehe, surprisingly there are some words of wisdom hidden in the humor ^.^
1. NAMES
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
1. NAMES
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Update on life
Well it seems like months since I last blogged... wait, it HAS been months! This year is already nearing an end. It feels like everything has been put on hold for the year. After last year, where everything happened and kept happening, it's almost been a blessing just to take a year off, but in all honesty I also feel like I haven't made much progress. Old habits die hard as the saying goes, and I'm finding this exceptionally true, much as I fight against them more and more.
Ever so slowly I have been rediscovering God throughout the year, although sometimes I feel that the small amount of progress must be frustrating for us both. Since moving I have felt a freedom that I never really felt before while living down south, and the amount of acceptance I have been shown has amazed me.
I've realized that the healing process is a slow one. You get to a point where you think that you've moved on and then something will trigger a painful memory and you are right back where you started.
I still have a long, long way to go to letting my heart completely open up, and the journey scares the hell out of me. All I can say is please don't give up on me, because thats the only way I'll ever make it.
Ever so slowly I have been rediscovering God throughout the year, although sometimes I feel that the small amount of progress must be frustrating for us both. Since moving I have felt a freedom that I never really felt before while living down south, and the amount of acceptance I have been shown has amazed me.
I've realized that the healing process is a slow one. You get to a point where you think that you've moved on and then something will trigger a painful memory and you are right back where you started.
I still have a long, long way to go to letting my heart completely open up, and the journey scares the hell out of me. All I can say is please don't give up on me, because thats the only way I'll ever make it.
Saturday, 18 August 2007
Memories
Lost in my memories, I see nothing else
Stuck in my past, reliving the love that I felt
Those days are gone now, but I cannot see
The days gone by, when I was the most free
As I lay down to sleep, alone and confused
Images flash past, reliving the news
My failures, my blame, the day I ruined it all
A perfect life destroyed, stolen by a fool
Every past mistake, every little wrong
Come back and haunt me, seducing me with song
To end it all, no one would know
To end the torment, and simply go
Rain softly falls, outside on the window
Lightning flashes, thunder roars, wind blows
The storm outside, is mirrored in my heart
As my sanity, starts to crumble apart
Resolve to keep living, has gone away
Taking everything, as I wish it would stay
What am I to do, the question haunts me
Angels and devils ignore my plea
Alone in silence, I try to feel
Only to know the numbness I yield
Anything at all, my mind screams out
In reply, not a whisper, not a shout
I tried so hard, to make things right
Only to be to late, to put up a fight
The weight of my sins, drag me down
To the bottom of the river, where I drown
Wanting to forget, remembering nothing else
Seeking forgiveness, within this hell
A resolution, to move forward
To live again, looking onward
A glimmer of hope begins to shine
Through the darkness, given time
To love again, one day soon
A dream so fragile, it breaks upon the wound
And yet it remains, ever locked away
Waiting for the moment, to see the light of day
In the distant future, a wave upon the shore
A sound is heard, glimmering hope for all
Stuck in my past, reliving the love that I felt
Those days are gone now, but I cannot see
The days gone by, when I was the most free
As I lay down to sleep, alone and confused
Images flash past, reliving the news
My failures, my blame, the day I ruined it all
A perfect life destroyed, stolen by a fool
Every past mistake, every little wrong
Come back and haunt me, seducing me with song
To end it all, no one would know
To end the torment, and simply go
Rain softly falls, outside on the window
Lightning flashes, thunder roars, wind blows
The storm outside, is mirrored in my heart
As my sanity, starts to crumble apart
Resolve to keep living, has gone away
Taking everything, as I wish it would stay
What am I to do, the question haunts me
Angels and devils ignore my plea
Alone in silence, I try to feel
Only to know the numbness I yield
Anything at all, my mind screams out
In reply, not a whisper, not a shout
I tried so hard, to make things right
Only to be to late, to put up a fight
The weight of my sins, drag me down
To the bottom of the river, where I drown
Wanting to forget, remembering nothing else
Seeking forgiveness, within this hell
A resolution, to move forward
To live again, looking onward
A glimmer of hope begins to shine
Through the darkness, given time
To love again, one day soon
A dream so fragile, it breaks upon the wound
And yet it remains, ever locked away
Waiting for the moment, to see the light of day
In the distant future, a wave upon the shore
A sound is heard, glimmering hope for all
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
Day Late Friend
Well, these are the lyrics to a song that is kinda deep for me by a band by the name of Anberlin off their Never Take Friendship Personal album:
So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough we both have significant others
Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
But thoughts they change and times they rearrange I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more then I remember
Can't help but entertain these thoughts
Thoughts of us together
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
My day late friend
So let me get this straight
All these years and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
This has a lot of meaning for me. When I first heard it I absolutely hated it on account of the lyrics. I had a typical boyish crush that I hoped would go places one day and this song drained the life out of that dream. Whenever I hear it now it takes me back to a time last year in the middle of winter. Me and my best mate had a sort of ritual where we'd just drive and drive and drive for hours on end (pretty expensive) anyway we were out in this typical late autumn, early winter scene, rough dirt road, a few forlorn evergreens interspersed with the standard leafless trees. A chilly wind was blowing a few dead leaves around under a dull grey, cloudy sky. We were simply driving through it all, in the nice toasty car with this album playing in the background. The coversation was about love and life and spirituality. At the time I had been going through a pretty rough time throughout the previous year because I was holding as tightly as I could to that fading dream even as it got further and further away from me. Simply put I was an emotional wreck, very easily up and more so very easily down. We were both going through similar things at the time and our conversation reflected that fairly deeply. Both of us took comfort in the other's company and the feeling that neither of us were alone in it.
Since I've moved I really don't get to see anyone from my old life, except in very brief glimpses. The song now speaks to me of exactly that type of situation. Old friends who are gone now reminiscing over old circumstances and situations in which they find themselves. Much the opposite of what I used to feel about it, it is actually a very comforting song for me to listen now. Of course, if you actually follow the lyrics it's also talking about (well to be fair, it's ACTUALLY talking about) Two old lovers who start to connect again while desperately trying to retain an aquaintance type relationship. Life brnigs them back together after they'd moved on from each other and it comes down to a choice to stay with their respective partners or get back together. But that part doesn't really hold much for me right now, just the base of it.
Well, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Maybe it's just enough that I right out my cluttered thoughts...
So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough we both have significant others
Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
But thoughts they change and times they rearrange I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more then I remember
Can't help but entertain these thoughts
Thoughts of us together
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
My day late friend
So let me get this straight
All these years and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
This has a lot of meaning for me. When I first heard it I absolutely hated it on account of the lyrics. I had a typical boyish crush that I hoped would go places one day and this song drained the life out of that dream. Whenever I hear it now it takes me back to a time last year in the middle of winter. Me and my best mate had a sort of ritual where we'd just drive and drive and drive for hours on end (pretty expensive) anyway we were out in this typical late autumn, early winter scene, rough dirt road, a few forlorn evergreens interspersed with the standard leafless trees. A chilly wind was blowing a few dead leaves around under a dull grey, cloudy sky. We were simply driving through it all, in the nice toasty car with this album playing in the background. The coversation was about love and life and spirituality. At the time I had been going through a pretty rough time throughout the previous year because I was holding as tightly as I could to that fading dream even as it got further and further away from me. Simply put I was an emotional wreck, very easily up and more so very easily down. We were both going through similar things at the time and our conversation reflected that fairly deeply. Both of us took comfort in the other's company and the feeling that neither of us were alone in it.
Since I've moved I really don't get to see anyone from my old life, except in very brief glimpses. The song now speaks to me of exactly that type of situation. Old friends who are gone now reminiscing over old circumstances and situations in which they find themselves. Much the opposite of what I used to feel about it, it is actually a very comforting song for me to listen now. Of course, if you actually follow the lyrics it's also talking about (well to be fair, it's ACTUALLY talking about) Two old lovers who start to connect again while desperately trying to retain an aquaintance type relationship. Life brnigs them back together after they'd moved on from each other and it comes down to a choice to stay with their respective partners or get back together. But that part doesn't really hold much for me right now, just the base of it.
Well, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Maybe it's just enough that I right out my cluttered thoughts...
Friday, 20 July 2007
Lonely Memory Stains
How do you bear the pain
Of your lonely memory stains
They seep into everthing you do
Coloring your life shades of blue
Life brings them to the forefront
Despite anything that you want
It make you cry your tears
Over all of your lost years
The wreckage of your life
With all its pains and strife
Why would you live
With anything to give
All is eventually taken away
Everything falls, everything fades
Death whispers and seduces
Singing in many false hues
The one you loved for evermore
Has completely gone before
Leaving you this shallowness
With a heart full of hollowness
One day you will live again
No longer hide and depend
Spread your wings and fly
For hope only comes from the sky
Of your lonely memory stains
They seep into everthing you do
Coloring your life shades of blue
Life brings them to the forefront
Despite anything that you want
It make you cry your tears
Over all of your lost years
The wreckage of your life
With all its pains and strife
Why would you live
With anything to give
All is eventually taken away
Everything falls, everything fades
Death whispers and seduces
Singing in many false hues
The one you loved for evermore
Has completely gone before
Leaving you this shallowness
With a heart full of hollowness
One day you will live again
No longer hide and depend
Spread your wings and fly
For hope only comes from the sky
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
This Wretched Man
For the last few months I've been fairly active on one particular Forum which is something I don't usually do, and I must say that I love it, I love the people that frequent it and the community that has grown up in it, but it struck me this morning as I was reading through a massive fall out between a division over one person's reasons for leaving. People look to forums to provide them with a sense of family that a lot of them don't get in real life a lot of the time. And it IS very easy to view them this way, however, it isn't a very solid foundation. It's like having all the perks but none of the quirks. Every single person who forums is free to leave at any time, and most of them do when things aren't 'going their way'. You just have to look at some of the massive flame wars that have started and ended on various forums around the iNet. Users 'get close' to other users and relate to them and with them just like a real community but unless more substantial actions are taken, this false sense of family stays only in the forums. As soon as something goes wrong, you just move onto the next forum.
As I was thinking this, it hit me out of the blue, that that type of relationship is exactly how I've been treating my life. I've always been extremely friendly with people but I've never reached out and been anyone's friend. I've never burdened my shoulders with that type of responsibility. I never got 'deep' enough with someone to even share my failures and fears as well as my success and strengths. To be open and vulnerable with people. (And blogging doesn't really count...it's like sending D&M off into the ether, you never really expect anything to come of it so it becomes easy) I don't think I have made that connection even once in my life.
At this point, I could say that I'll do better from now on now that I have had these revelations, but the sad truth is, I don't know whether I WILL do better. After 21 years of living I still haven't got it yet. I most I can do I try, yet this grates with everything in me. Stuff that I should have gotten right by now, I fail at, and all my skill and strength have not saved me.
------
Anime of the day: Air. This is a story about a guy who is basically a drifter. He travels around in search of the 'girl in the sky', a story that his mother told him when he was young and she was searching too. He has the ability to manipulate a doll puppet with his mind, which he used to get money for living and travelling. He soon comes to a town and the end of his money where he meets three young teenage girls. Each of these three come from very different backgrounds, but each has something in common. They come from a broken, disfunctional home, and they have a very fresh, mature outset of the world.
One by one our hero gets to the heart of each problem and manages to resolve the issues surrounding them until finally he comes to the last girl. This one is different. There seems to be a link between him and her and his search for the mysterious flying girl.
To make a long story short, it turns out that those born with the gift of flight were also cursed in ancient times to die an early death and take anyone that gets to close to them with them. In the end both the hero and heroine die, but they bring the miracle of love back into the girl's mother's heart.
I actually found the end to be a bit of an anticlimax after the series was building for so long, but like with most anime I've come to realize. The journey is more important than the destination. i also seem to be enjoying stories with sad endings a lot more than happy ones nowadays too. ^^
But meh, if you got through that blog without getting all depressed, then you're doing well. Writing about this sort of stuff gets it out of my system
As I was thinking this, it hit me out of the blue, that that type of relationship is exactly how I've been treating my life. I've always been extremely friendly with people but I've never reached out and been anyone's friend. I've never burdened my shoulders with that type of responsibility. I never got 'deep' enough with someone to even share my failures and fears as well as my success and strengths. To be open and vulnerable with people. (And blogging doesn't really count...it's like sending D&M off into the ether, you never really expect anything to come of it so it becomes easy) I don't think I have made that connection even once in my life.
At this point, I could say that I'll do better from now on now that I have had these revelations, but the sad truth is, I don't know whether I WILL do better. After 21 years of living I still haven't got it yet. I most I can do I try, yet this grates with everything in me. Stuff that I should have gotten right by now, I fail at, and all my skill and strength have not saved me.
------
Anime of the day: Air. This is a story about a guy who is basically a drifter. He travels around in search of the 'girl in the sky', a story that his mother told him when he was young and she was searching too. He has the ability to manipulate a doll puppet with his mind, which he used to get money for living and travelling. He soon comes to a town and the end of his money where he meets three young teenage girls. Each of these three come from very different backgrounds, but each has something in common. They come from a broken, disfunctional home, and they have a very fresh, mature outset of the world.
One by one our hero gets to the heart of each problem and manages to resolve the issues surrounding them until finally he comes to the last girl. This one is different. There seems to be a link between him and her and his search for the mysterious flying girl.
To make a long story short, it turns out that those born with the gift of flight were also cursed in ancient times to die an early death and take anyone that gets to close to them with them. In the end both the hero and heroine die, but they bring the miracle of love back into the girl's mother's heart.
I actually found the end to be a bit of an anticlimax after the series was building for so long, but like with most anime I've come to realize. The journey is more important than the destination. i also seem to be enjoying stories with sad endings a lot more than happy ones nowadays too. ^^
But meh, if you got through that blog without getting all depressed, then you're doing well. Writing about this sort of stuff gets it out of my system
Thursday, 14 June 2007
Pandora's box of my heart
Why is it that things that we thought were done with keep coming back to haunt us? We find it so much easier just to lock everything away, and never look at it again.
I've been getting into various anime series' lately. They are very engrossing and pass the time. Today one of my mates recommended one to me... Kimi ga Nozomu Eien...roughly translates as The Eternity You Desire (although the English name for it is actually Rumbling Hearts). It is a love story between two people, and a story of life between four friends. It is full of deep sadness and joys. And as I got further and further into the series, I could feel things in my own heart begin to stir, desires that have been locked away for so long now. I had thought that I'd dealt with them and that they were simply gone. I even got to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but watching this has brought them to the surface and it bloody hurts.
At the same time I can feel all that is going on as if in a container that the lid hasn't fully been opened. And very shortly it will close again. Hopefully one day, I will someday be able to take down these barriers I've set for myself and finally heal my heart so that I can live.
Arigato and gomenasai for these words
I've been getting into various anime series' lately. They are very engrossing and pass the time. Today one of my mates recommended one to me... Kimi ga Nozomu Eien...roughly translates as The Eternity You Desire (although the English name for it is actually Rumbling Hearts). It is a love story between two people, and a story of life between four friends. It is full of deep sadness and joys. And as I got further and further into the series, I could feel things in my own heart begin to stir, desires that have been locked away for so long now. I had thought that I'd dealt with them and that they were simply gone. I even got to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but watching this has brought them to the surface and it bloody hurts.
At the same time I can feel all that is going on as if in a container that the lid hasn't fully been opened. And very shortly it will close again. Hopefully one day, I will someday be able to take down these barriers I've set for myself and finally heal my heart so that I can live.
Arigato and gomenasai for these words
Friday, 18 May 2007
Argumentative subjecture
I was going over http://www.gamedev.net/ forums (incidentally looking up gravity for a personal project I'm currently doing) when I came across a "religion" thread. At first I rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, ok, here we go, knowing full well that after about 10 posts it would start becoming an all out flame war between christianity and the world (as these things do) ... seriously guys, get over yourselves, either debate without resorting to verbal violence or don't debate at all, and debate DOESN'T mean "you worded this wrong so I'm going to take it literally even though I know it's not what you meant just so in my next post I can make fun of you and ridicule your arguments..." lame, lame, lame! ... and if you didn't hear me, yes thats what I said... lame! Wow, any preschooler can do that.
Anyway... I actually stayed on it for a good couple of hours, reading through the various arguments and counter arguments, most of which were not backed up by any facts what so ever. They all varied from the downright hilarious posts written by the comedic posters (thanks guys, you're awesome :D) to the typical forum trolls only there to argue everything while contradicting themselves the whole time to the deeply insightful posts from BOTH sides of the fence.
I think a lot of it was moot points from people who just don't want to concede that they might be wrong... we all know the type, they run around in circles with their logic... for instant a topic gets well and truly covered so they move onto the next topic and and cover that, to the next and the next until finally the one with the ego comes back to the first topic because they weren't satisfied with the answer and tries to ridicule it again... Bah! So tiresome. (And not being satisfied doesn't mean the explanation wasn't correct. For instance, I can prove that Gutenburg printed the first Bible but if you think it was someone else, we can argue until the cows come home about the fact without getting anywhere because you're not satsified with the truth.)
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what religion we are (and we are all a religion, even aetheism which BELIEVES that there isn't a God... no unalterable proof either way), arguing "logic" (one guy even tried to claim that logic was based on HIS perception rather than absolute truth...I'm sorry dude, but logic is like maths...you put the same variables in the same equation, it'll always come out the same... if x actually equals 10.0, then just perceiving it as 9.53 doesn't make it the right answer) about it isn't going to shed any light because a.) people just don't want to admit that they might actually be wrong about their deeply ingrained belief in God or the lack thereof. b.) sooner or later you will come to the point where you actually ARE wrong about one particular thing based on your faulty non-perfect human ways of thinking (seriously, give me someone who knows 100% about eveything the CORRECT way about the Bible...oh wait, that would be the God in question, hmm ok) and c.) The way to get to someone isn't through argument (much as scientists tell you otherwise) it's through mutual respect and understanding...on which an online forum there seems to be none at all. You have to build up a relationship with people BFORE you start arguing them or, DUH! Of course they won't listen to what you have to say..
I dunno...just my two cents after a couple of hours of thinking and ruefully shaking my head.
BTW: Here's the link for anyone interested... it's rather large so I recommend not going there until you have a couple of hours free...
http://www.gamedev.net/community/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=61013&PageSize=25&WhichPage=11
EDIT: As of May 2012, I retract my statement about atheism being a religion. Strong atheism is, as they do believe there is no God, but weak atheism simply holds to the position of not knowing either way. Although sadly I feel that many atheists will swap between the two positions depending on the environment and how it suits them in an argument, there it is. A better statement by me would have been 'I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what framework we view the world from...' because we all view the world from a framework, atheist and theist, and we can all hold to our framework regardless of the facts presented to us.
In fact, these days I tend to be a lot more philosophical about the whole deal. I have learned that I will never know for certain 'the truth'. I will always have to trust someone, for my information, as I don't have the time or inclination to be a pioneer in every field to see the data and interpolate it myself. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that religion debates are another level of pointless altogether. As a christian, I trust God as he has always been there for me and that's that. I could have a much more productive time actively spending time with him and getting to know him and letting him change my life so that others can see him through me, than arguing with strangers about the finer points of occam's razor and speaking about and for a God I hardly know.
Anyway... I actually stayed on it for a good couple of hours, reading through the various arguments and counter arguments, most of which were not backed up by any facts what so ever. They all varied from the downright hilarious posts written by the comedic posters (thanks guys, you're awesome :D) to the typical forum trolls only there to argue everything while contradicting themselves the whole time to the deeply insightful posts from BOTH sides of the fence.
I think a lot of it was moot points from people who just don't want to concede that they might be wrong... we all know the type, they run around in circles with their logic... for instant a topic gets well and truly covered so they move onto the next topic and and cover that, to the next and the next until finally the one with the ego comes back to the first topic because they weren't satisfied with the answer and tries to ridicule it again... Bah! So tiresome. (And not being satisfied doesn't mean the explanation wasn't correct. For instance, I can prove that Gutenburg printed the first Bible but if you think it was someone else, we can argue until the cows come home about the fact without getting anywhere because you're not satsified with the truth.)
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what religion we are (and we are all a religion, even aetheism which BELIEVES that there isn't a God... no unalterable proof either way), arguing "logic" (one guy even tried to claim that logic was based on HIS perception rather than absolute truth...I'm sorry dude, but logic is like maths...you put the same variables in the same equation, it'll always come out the same... if x actually equals 10.0, then just perceiving it as 9.53 doesn't make it the right answer) about it isn't going to shed any light because a.) people just don't want to admit that they might actually be wrong about their deeply ingrained belief in God or the lack thereof. b.) sooner or later you will come to the point where you actually ARE wrong about one particular thing based on your faulty non-perfect human ways of thinking (seriously, give me someone who knows 100% about eveything the CORRECT way about the Bible...oh wait, that would be the God in question, hmm ok) and c.) The way to get to someone isn't through argument (much as scientists tell you otherwise) it's through mutual respect and understanding...on which an online forum there seems to be none at all. You have to build up a relationship with people BFORE you start arguing them or, DUH! Of course they won't listen to what you have to say..
I dunno...just my two cents after a couple of hours of thinking and ruefully shaking my head.
BTW: Here's the link for anyone interested... it's rather large so I recommend not going there until you have a couple of hours free...
http://www.gamedev.net/community/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=61013&PageSize=25&WhichPage=11
EDIT: As of May 2012, I retract my statement about atheism being a religion. Strong atheism is, as they do believe there is no God, but weak atheism simply holds to the position of not knowing either way. Although sadly I feel that many atheists will swap between the two positions depending on the environment and how it suits them in an argument, there it is. A better statement by me would have been 'I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what framework we view the world from...' because we all view the world from a framework, atheist and theist, and we can all hold to our framework regardless of the facts presented to us.
In fact, these days I tend to be a lot more philosophical about the whole deal. I have learned that I will never know for certain 'the truth'. I will always have to trust someone, for my information, as I don't have the time or inclination to be a pioneer in every field to see the data and interpolate it myself. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that religion debates are another level of pointless altogether. As a christian, I trust God as he has always been there for me and that's that. I could have a much more productive time actively spending time with him and getting to know him and letting him change my life so that others can see him through me, than arguing with strangers about the finer points of occam's razor and speaking about and for a God I hardly know.
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Searching the heart...
So what does it really mean to listen to your heart? Well the answer that first comes to mind is I have no freaking clue, but that doesn't hold up so well under interrogation so I've decided to write this blog in an attempt to explain the unexplainable to myself....don't worry if you get lost for I surely am right there with you :)
Well the problem is not how to listen to your heart...that comes later...the first obstacle is what IS your heart? In a triune being - Body / Soul / Spirit - where does the heart fit in? In a culture that is so love focused, why is it so important? If you went down the street today and asked the majority of people if they listen to their heart, I think the responses would be as varied as the sky.
Some people link the heart to the soul, and in a sense, I believe this is true. Your emotions, your heart, seem connected, especially in the instance of love..when you look at your lover, your heart pounds and the feelings attached are electric. But what IS your soul? Who you are, what you think, all your memories, how you feel, everything that makes your physical body you and not someone else, all these things make up your soul. So yes, your emotions are a part of your soul.
The question then becomes do your emotions flow out of your head or your heart? Almost anyone you talk to would probably say your heart straight up, however I don't believe this is entirely true. When God speaks to you, where does He speak to you? Through your heart, BUT is it an emotional response? No...it is much deeper than that, it goes beyond emotions.
When you're angry do you think you're angry or do you feel angry? Most people would say I feel angry! But if you think about it...you're only angry for the duration of thinking about it...as soon as you put your MIND (keyword) to something else, the anger soon fades. Another example: when you know something is true beyond all shadow of a doubt, do you just think it's true or do you know it's true? It just feels right. But you don't have to keep thinking about it for it to ontinue to feel right...that's the different. Somewhere in there is the answer, I believe... (to be continued at a later date, post back in from time to time :) or better yet, just subscribe!)
Well the problem is not how to listen to your heart...that comes later...the first obstacle is what IS your heart? In a triune being - Body / Soul / Spirit - where does the heart fit in? In a culture that is so love focused, why is it so important? If you went down the street today and asked the majority of people if they listen to their heart, I think the responses would be as varied as the sky.
Some people link the heart to the soul, and in a sense, I believe this is true. Your emotions, your heart, seem connected, especially in the instance of love..when you look at your lover, your heart pounds and the feelings attached are electric. But what IS your soul? Who you are, what you think, all your memories, how you feel, everything that makes your physical body you and not someone else, all these things make up your soul. So yes, your emotions are a part of your soul.
The question then becomes do your emotions flow out of your head or your heart? Almost anyone you talk to would probably say your heart straight up, however I don't believe this is entirely true. When God speaks to you, where does He speak to you? Through your heart, BUT is it an emotional response? No...it is much deeper than that, it goes beyond emotions.
When you're angry do you think you're angry or do you feel angry? Most people would say I feel angry! But if you think about it...you're only angry for the duration of thinking about it...as soon as you put your MIND (keyword) to something else, the anger soon fades. Another example: when you know something is true beyond all shadow of a doubt, do you just think it's true or do you know it's true? It just feels right. But you don't have to keep thinking about it for it to ontinue to feel right...that's the different. Somewhere in there is the answer, I believe... (to be continued at a later date, post back in from time to time :) or better yet, just subscribe!)
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