So it's been a while. And will probably be a while until I post again. I've been wanting to write something -- anything -- for a while, just didn't have the time/motivation/anything to talk about. I still don't really have anything specific to say, just felt like writing.
I've always had a problem with being inside my own head too much and not letting it out... one aspect of being an introvert I guess. I have plenty of knowledge about myself, about the world. The garnering of knowledge has always been really easy for me. Applying it, making lasting change in my life has always been really difficult. Opening up to people is... not difficult per se, it's just draining and I don't enjoy it. It's always felt different writing about how I feel on my blog or on paper, maybe because I don't really expect anyone to actually read/care or maybe because there's no immediate reaction to writing as there is in a face to face dialog. Apparently I am also good at rambling.
I won't say I'm depressed, because I've spoken to people who have suffered or do suffer with depression, and I don't feel like I'm on that level. But I do feel like I have many more days were I don't feel joy, than days that I end and am satisfied with. I think this is something that has followed me for a long, long time, hidden, below the surface. I've been told that I'm a ship without a rudder, ironically a number of years ago, and I certainly feel like it.
I'm 29 on Saturday. I'm getting old. Slowly, inexorably. To be sure, oldness is a relative term, but I feel it. People younger than me are getting married and having children, people older than me are dying and having funerals.
Most importantly though, I feel like I've lost the passion for life I had when I was 18. I'm at a loss how to get it back, or even if it's possible to get it back. I feel like I've given in to simply maintaining the status quo. More than that, I don't feel like there's anything beyond the status quo. I *know* there is, but knowing and feeling are two very different things. I feel like I'm in a diamond bubble with everything I hoped life would be on the other side. The occasional glimmer of hope coming through and fading out with nowhere to go.
Again, I don't feel like I suffer depression, just... blandness... if that's a thing.
One thing I know for sure is that I'm not okay.
