There are two people living inside of me. One I am proud to say has made progress on a lot of fronts, especially the God front. The other poisons my mind to reason, urging me forward to live out of anger and pent frustration... indeed, he places those desires in me and fuels them with untruths and assumptions.
I am going through a period in my life of pure uncertainty. I have always had trust issues, and they are deeply rooted. I despair that I will never be free of them. Through it all God whispers my name. Even when I'm so caught up I can't hear him. He calls me to trust, He tells me I have to trust like He trusts; I have to love like He loves. Unconditionally. It is a very vulnerable place to be and I've never been more scared in my life. The battle between my two selves has intensified. I feel like crying, I feel like dying, I desperately need to be held and told that everything is okay. Not just be told but be held. I've never needed that before now. The sad part is the only one who could deliver this message to me is far away. Further than normal and busy.
God is slowly but surely forcing my hand. I am full of self made 'safe zones'. These zones are built on antitrust and walls. I have been placed in a position where these are all being stripped away, mostly against my will, and oh how I fight against it. I am ashamed that I do. A part of me wants desperately to love and be loved. Intimacy. Again that word cries out to me. The other part of me betrays me. He deeply resents that anyone could break into his castle and attacks without warning.
I know my safe zones hurt the ones I love. I know my defensive instincts hurt them more than words ever could. I am responsible and this knowledge only serves to destroy me.
This is a war of trust. Questions. So many questions. I am being slowly torn apart. And the worst part is that I know the answers only serve to feed my insecurities, so I don't ask them. I am so afraid of being alone. I know that I will be alone until I conquer my fear. But I feel like giving up every step of the way. Every step I take is a struggle. Every breath a battle.
I look back into the past. I cherish every moment. I never deserved them, but you and You gave them to me anyway. I never appreciated them enough. And now their memories are all I have. I was a lot different back then. I can only describe it as spring. Now it is winter. There is a deathly chill that hangs over me, threatening me with hopelessness.
I must press on, look forwards. Always look forwards. I know God wants me to. I know that the only way I can ever have happiness is to go on, through the shadow lands. Become a man, a husband, and a friend. These are the only things that sustain me. A faint glimmer of hope on a horizon covered in a shroud of despair. On this, both my selves agree. We are deathly afraid. The traitor wants to curl up in a ball and stay there, living life in self pity. The other, a true soldier, marches stubbornly on.
The stakes are high, so high. They've never been this high before. I am literally putting everything on the line in this venture. If I make it, everything I've known will change for good. If I don't, I will fail completely. Betrayal now would completely break me. I can only trust that faint glimmer. It has never felt more distant than this moment. God help me to trust.
"You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind." I feel like a weak and afraid child. I long to be the man I see. I struggle to reconcile myself. I struggle to make the same choices as the man, while feeling like a child. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." God help me put them away.
What is love? I once thought I knew. I was foolish. Sheltered. Young and idealistic. I had no ground in reality. My old idea of love is almost completely gone. Refined by fire. Purified. My new love is more unconditional. I seem fail more often, or catch myself doing things — or be caught doing things — that I know have no place in love. They would seek to tear down everything I hold dear. A wave smashing me against the rocks in a stormy ocean. I know they are not right. I know I can do better. Yet do I fail. I pick myself up again slowly. Yet do I learn better. I have not changed. Yet have I changed. God help me to love.
I am losing my innocence. My naivety. My idealism. Whatever you want to call it. My joy perhaps? I am a man of sorrows. I keep asking for the cleansing rain, so why am I surprised when it shows up? I keep asking for purifying fire, so why do I cry in pain when I am burned away? It is a testament to my stubborn traitorous self that he still lives in me. What a monster I have created. I am my own worst enemy. God give me strength in my weakness. Give me hope in my hopelessness.
God refuses to give up. He is more stubborn than I. "Your world will be shaken. Your foundations will be broken and made new. You will become the staving post." These words haunt me. I am being broken. I am being made whole.
I have been called a Gideon when I was young. I feel those words are more prophetic than many other 'prophecies' I have received in my lifetime. I pray that God builds in me a deep rooted courage. That He shows himself with extraordinary fleeces. That He molds me into the man He destined me to be. The kind who will take on the Philistines without hesitation. And win.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." - John 15:16-17
I am going through a period in my life of pure uncertainty. I have always had trust issues, and they are deeply rooted. I despair that I will never be free of them. Through it all God whispers my name. Even when I'm so caught up I can't hear him. He calls me to trust, He tells me I have to trust like He trusts; I have to love like He loves. Unconditionally. It is a very vulnerable place to be and I've never been more scared in my life. The battle between my two selves has intensified. I feel like crying, I feel like dying, I desperately need to be held and told that everything is okay. Not just be told but be held. I've never needed that before now. The sad part is the only one who could deliver this message to me is far away. Further than normal and busy.
God is slowly but surely forcing my hand. I am full of self made 'safe zones'. These zones are built on antitrust and walls. I have been placed in a position where these are all being stripped away, mostly against my will, and oh how I fight against it. I am ashamed that I do. A part of me wants desperately to love and be loved. Intimacy. Again that word cries out to me. The other part of me betrays me. He deeply resents that anyone could break into his castle and attacks without warning.
I know my safe zones hurt the ones I love. I know my defensive instincts hurt them more than words ever could. I am responsible and this knowledge only serves to destroy me.
This is a war of trust. Questions. So many questions. I am being slowly torn apart. And the worst part is that I know the answers only serve to feed my insecurities, so I don't ask them. I am so afraid of being alone. I know that I will be alone until I conquer my fear. But I feel like giving up every step of the way. Every step I take is a struggle. Every breath a battle.
I look back into the past. I cherish every moment. I never deserved them, but you and You gave them to me anyway. I never appreciated them enough. And now their memories are all I have. I was a lot different back then. I can only describe it as spring. Now it is winter. There is a deathly chill that hangs over me, threatening me with hopelessness.
I must press on, look forwards. Always look forwards. I know God wants me to. I know that the only way I can ever have happiness is to go on, through the shadow lands. Become a man, a husband, and a friend. These are the only things that sustain me. A faint glimmer of hope on a horizon covered in a shroud of despair. On this, both my selves agree. We are deathly afraid. The traitor wants to curl up in a ball and stay there, living life in self pity. The other, a true soldier, marches stubbornly on.
The stakes are high, so high. They've never been this high before. I am literally putting everything on the line in this venture. If I make it, everything I've known will change for good. If I don't, I will fail completely. Betrayal now would completely break me. I can only trust that faint glimmer. It has never felt more distant than this moment. God help me to trust.
"You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind." I feel like a weak and afraid child. I long to be the man I see. I struggle to reconcile myself. I struggle to make the same choices as the man, while feeling like a child. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." God help me put them away.
What is love? I once thought I knew. I was foolish. Sheltered. Young and idealistic. I had no ground in reality. My old idea of love is almost completely gone. Refined by fire. Purified. My new love is more unconditional. I seem fail more often, or catch myself doing things — or be caught doing things — that I know have no place in love. They would seek to tear down everything I hold dear. A wave smashing me against the rocks in a stormy ocean. I know they are not right. I know I can do better. Yet do I fail. I pick myself up again slowly. Yet do I learn better. I have not changed. Yet have I changed. God help me to love.
I am losing my innocence. My naivety. My idealism. Whatever you want to call it. My joy perhaps? I am a man of sorrows. I keep asking for the cleansing rain, so why am I surprised when it shows up? I keep asking for purifying fire, so why do I cry in pain when I am burned away? It is a testament to my stubborn traitorous self that he still lives in me. What a monster I have created. I am my own worst enemy. God give me strength in my weakness. Give me hope in my hopelessness.
God refuses to give up. He is more stubborn than I. "Your world will be shaken. Your foundations will be broken and made new. You will become the staving post." These words haunt me. I am being broken. I am being made whole.
I have been called a Gideon when I was young. I feel those words are more prophetic than many other 'prophecies' I have received in my lifetime. I pray that God builds in me a deep rooted courage. That He shows himself with extraordinary fleeces. That He molds me into the man He destined me to be. The kind who will take on the Philistines without hesitation. And win.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." - John 15:16-17
