The ramblings of a bastard

Over the last month or so, a question has been in my head without a satisfying answer. "What is a christian?" Up until recently, I believed that we as christians are better than anyone else, that somehow purity in Christ makes us worthy. I would not have thought so, in fact I would have denied it profusely...if anyone asked me, I would have said we were no different, but subconsiously it was there. I had all the answers and the knowledge I needed to justify my existance and if I did anything wrong, well, God forgave me. I did try to do the right thing and fix myself of any problems that I might have, but of course no one can simply fix themselves. I created law and tried to adhere to it, but no one can live under law.

I ended up a mess. Outwardly I was fine, not a problem in the world, I was looked up to and respected my everyone I knew, even my closest friends didn't know what was going on, but inside, where's it's really important, I didn't even know myself anymore. I was so wrapped up in maintaining the kingdom that I'd built for myself, and defining who I was in what I did, being as busy as I could physically handle, trying to deal with my problems and failing every time. If you had have asked me how are you going? Yeah, not too bad, was my standard reply, and I even fooled myself into believing it. I knew there was something terribly wrong though, deep down, I wasn't being fufilled in anything anymore, my relationship with God was crumbling and everything around me was becoming more and more meaningless. God gave me ample opportunities to escape but I in my pride kept shutting Him out and trying to handle it myself and after a why my heart became numb, I simply couldn't feel it anymore.

Until finally one day, God gave me a wake up call, a reality check, whatever you want to call it, and a lot of things happened. I woke up at that point, and even though I tried to deny what a fool I had been at first, I knew it, everyone knew it, and eventually I had to simply admit my guilt. I did nothing for a while, simply trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do with my freedom. Eventually, although I still wanted to fix everything myself, I could see God telling me to let go, so I ended up leaving the remains of my life.

There is a thing that the aboriginals do as an initiation called walkabout, where one leaves everything and simply walks. The rules are that you cannot come back until you have found yourself and had a long chat. The purpose behind this is that so often humans in their busy lives define who they are by what they are, i.e. Jim's a builder...he builds stuff. Sounds pretty typical of how we describe someone...I'm an artist I can do amazingly creative works...not necesarily of genius, but satisfyingly creative. What happens when you take that away...what happens to Jim if he suddenly isn't a builder anymore? His very purpose in life is suddenly taken away, leaving him stranded. You see the problem with defining yourself by what you do, is that you don't know who YOU are anymore, so the question becomes...who am I? Thus the walkabout is intended to drive you away from your business, your defined norms, your qualifications, everything that might distract you from yourself and lets you rediscover your inner being or your heart. When the aboriginal boy goes and discovers himself, he comes back to the tribe as a man, knowing full well who he is.

Along the way the question came up "what is a christian?" Despite everything that had happened I knew that I was christian, despite the fact that I had failed miserably, and ruined myself, despite the fact that I didn't feel worthy to call myself christian and hadn't for a couple of months. Unlike many people, I don't get sudden light bulbs over my head turn on...I get brief glimpses of an answer for split seconds and then gone like the wind, leaving me frustrated and unable to answer, until finally enough time passes that I can finally see the big picture and I have an answer. The phrase I am a christian is actually a misnomer, and takes people away from the real answer to the question. 1 Corinthians 6:7-11 says (NKJ):

7 Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8 No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

And such were some of you, but you have been justified in Christ. There is only one fundamental difference between christians and non-christians. We've all made the same mistakes and have the same potential to destroy lives, create chaos. To take a phrase from the mathematical rule book...the lowest common denominator...everyone one of us is capable of the very worst things that humans have done. No matter how much we deny it, deep down we know it is true. Humans are a fallen race, always on the lookout for something to take them back to the glory of creation. The ONLY difference between non-christians and christians is a single word. "Yes". A christian has accepted Christ's free gift of salvation. His or her shame is taken away for all time in the eyes of God. When one accepts Christ into their lives they are not saying everything is better now, I will never have problems again and in face, this is true...nothing does change except that now there is hope for the future and that can never be taken away.

Everything to do with nothing and all in between

Well, being that I haven't written a blog in many suns, I decided to fly in inspiration and vanish into the murky depths of my dusty old blog. I'm not exactly sure what the dank air has in store for me, nor also wether my scribing pen will still work after so much corrosion but inspiration preveals.

I've been up in sunny Brisbane (and HOT!!!!!) for about a week now, looking for work and getting settled even though my stuff is still on the way, so that even if I do settle in, I'll still have to settle in later... :/ *cough*POINTLESS*coughcough* I have a new beast/mother of a PC 4.2gtz dual core CPU, 4gb DDR2 mem, 500gb HD setup in SATA II Raid, 512mb NVidia GForce 7950, and all that jazz...runs very sweetly for the old owner...namely me and I'm very happy with the whole shebang. But apart from all that...

I've been trying to gather the shreds of my frayed mind and soul and place them in some kind of patchwork semblance of order...things have been progressing rather slowly and painfully as I try to fit them in the wrong spots. God has been working on me a lot, and I've been trying to focus on Him and in true workings with both my phlegmatic and my melancholy nature, asking all the deeper shades of question while at the same time searching my soul for answers and finding none...but this is ok, for artistry and creativity are wrought on such paradoxial proverbs. I am looking forward to the future and to serving God with my gifts and simply being free. As all of us long to be free. In the truest nature of the word, freedom in Christ is something that we are all familiar and yet unaware of in our daily lives nd yet we strive for it as much as we possibly can, sometimes the focus shifts slightly and we find ourselves ensnared by looking at the gift rather than the giver and with a jolt we find ourselves laughing (or crying) at our stupidity and gazing in adoration at the lover of our souls.