alternate.definition.of.reality

Stones

2010-05-16T22:20:00.000+10:00

Seeking solace in a broken sea of glass
Tied and tethered, held fast
My energy is sapped from my veins
Over and over it slowly drains

Passion, that rare commodity
So rare of an oddity
Without it we are dead
Despite the lie they said

I once had it in overflow
Now it has faded so
Barely enough strength
To hold this pen

I've become everything I despise
Bound fast in these lies
The cell that holds me shows only stone
The devil laughs on his cold throne

One ray of hope remains at last
The One who unchains the hearse
Only he can set me free
Only he in eternity

Oh my Savior come on wings
Fly me to the moon as angels sing
Comfort me in your arms again
And your passion to give me strength

Give me joy and hope to rise
Until that day the devil dies
Fill me with love for my fellow men
And resurrect this heart of stone again

Trust

2009-09-20T16:23:00.003+10:00

My name is Damian, and I have codependency and trust issues. It is a slow arduous journey for me. Some days are really good but then I will break the cycle and slip into a habit from the past. Some days I wonder if I have changed at all or if I will ever be able to simply trust and not worry so much. It is very easy for me to fall back on assumptions based on what I see or don't see in the now rather than relying on individual past experience to tell me what is happening. I am learning, but it is not graceful. I am as clumsy as any oaf in this area.

I am a very independent person, used to doing things and having things done my way. Because of this I am selfish, and I don't leave much room for others. You could say that I am merely the sum of my experiences but in reality I made those choices and now I'm having to deal with the consequences.

Why is it so hard? Why am I so quick to judge and manipulate? To trust means to surrender, to let go of control and this is so very difficult. In the end it all comes down to fear of the unknown. Fear of vulnerability and intimacy. A fear to be hurt. Is it that I perceive hurts where none exist that I suddenly lash out? My heart screams in fear during those times and it blinds everything else out. Am I so wounded that I protect myself against those who love me?

Even knowing the answers does not help, for my instincts wage war on my desires. If you asked me I would tell you 'Of course I want to trust. Of course I want to be intimate.' And I do, I really do, so why is it such a battle?

I need to find the triggers. It always seems to happen when things are going well that I slip, when I lower my guard against myself. And while this might be a completely natural reaction, its not good enough. How can I remind myself at all times. How can I stay vigilant?

Practice helps, and being more open helps. Although there are times when I simply don't want to be open. It frustrates me, because I know I should but it feels like too much work or that I let people down. Stupid really, considering I would let them down anyway regardless of whether they knew or not my actions are the same. Being open helps me stay in a vulnerable position, maybe that's why I don't like it so much.

I need an anchor in my life to keep me firm in my principles. I immediately think of God for this role, since he does not rely on me to know where I'm at and his infinite Grace covers me regardless of what happens. Yet even that is difficult. Sometimes I hear so clearly from God and other times I do my damnedest to shut Him out, even unconsciously.

So many frustrating questions.

Life after death

2009-08-27T16:39:00.006+10:00

There are two people living inside of me. One I am proud to say has made progress on a lot of fronts, especially the God front. The other poisons my mind to reason, urging me forward to live out of anger and pent frustration... indeed, he places those desires in me and fuels them with untruths and assumptions.

I am going through a period in my life of pure uncertainty. I have always had trust issues, and they are deeply rooted. I despair that I will never be free of them. Through it all God whispers my name. Even when I'm so caught up I can't hear him. He calls me to trust, He tells me I have to trust like He trusts; I have to love like He loves. Unconditionally. It is a very vulnerable place to be and I've never been more scared in my life. The battle between my two selves has intensified. I feel like crying, I feel like dying, I desperately need to be held and told that everything is okay. Not just be told but be held. I've never needed that before now. The sad part is the only one who could deliver this message to me is far away. Further than normal and busy.

God is slowly but surely forcing my hand. I am full of self made 'safe zones'. These zones are built on antitrust and walls. I have been placed in a position where these are all being stripped away, mostly against my will, and oh how I fight against it. I am ashamed that I do. A part of me wants desperately to love and be loved. Intimacy. Again that word cries out to me. The other part of me betrays me. He deeply resents that anyone could break into his castle and attacks without warning.

I know my safe zones hurt the ones I love. I know my defensive instincts hurt them more than words ever could. I am responsible and this knowledge only serves to destroy me.

This is a war of trust. Questions. So many questions. I am being slowly torn apart. And the worst part is that I know the answers only serve to feed my insecurities, so I don't ask them. I am so afraid of being alone. I know that I will be alone until I conquer my fear. But I feel like giving up every step of the way. Every step I take is a struggle. Every breath a battle.

I look back into the past. I cherish every moment. I never deserved them, but you and You gave them to me anyway. I never appreciated them enough. And now their memories are all I have. I was a lot different back then. I can only describe it as spring. Now it is winter. There is a deathly chill that hangs over me, threatening me with hopelessness.

I must press on, look forwards. Always look forwards. I know God wants me to. I know that the only way I can ever have happiness is to go on, through the shadow lands. Become a man, a husband, and a friend. These are the only things that sustain me. A faint glimmer of hope on a horizon covered in a shroud of despair. On this, both my selves agree. We are deathly afraid. The traitor wants to curl up in a ball and stay there, living life in self pity. The other, a true soldier, marches stubbornly on.

The stakes are high, so high. They've never been this high before. I am literally putting everything on the line in this venture. If I make it, everything I've known will change for good. If I don't, I will fail completely. Betrayal now would completely break me. I can only trust that faint glimmer. It has never felt more distant than this moment. God help me to trust.

"You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind." I feel like a weak and afraid child. I long to be the man I see. I struggle to reconcile myself. I struggle to make the same choices as the man, while feeling like a child. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." God help me put them away.

What is love? I once thought I knew. I was foolish. Sheltered. Young and idealistic. I had no ground in reality. My old idea of love is almost completely gone. Refined by fire. Purified. My new love is more unconditional. I seem fail more often, or catch myself doing things — or be caught doing things — that I know have no place in love. They would seek to tear down everything I hold dear. A wave smashing me against the rocks in a stormy ocean. I know they are not right. I know I can do better. Yet do I fail. I pick myself up again slowly. Yet do I learn better. I have not changed. Yet have I changed. God help me to love.

I am losing my innocence. My naivety. My idealism. Whatever you want to call it. My joy perhaps? I am a man of sorrows. I keep asking for the cleansing rain, so why am I surprised when it shows up? I keep asking for purifying fire, so why do I cry in pain when I am burned away? It is a testament to my stubborn traitorous self that he still lives in me. What a monster I have created. I am my own worst enemy. God give me strength in my weakness. Give me hope in my hopelessness.

God refuses to give up. He is more stubborn than I. "Your world will be shaken. Your foundations will be broken and made new. You will become the staving post." These words haunt me. I am being broken. I am being made whole.

I have been called a Gideon when I was young. I feel those words are more prophetic than many other 'prophecies' I have received in my lifetime. I pray that God builds in me a deep rooted courage. That He shows himself with extraordinary fleeces. That He molds me into the man He destined me to be. The kind who will take on the Philistines without hesitation. And win.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." - John 15:16-17

Fear, Uncertainty, and Trials

2009-07-19T13:44:00.004+10:00

I've been feeling a little lost for the last week. Where God's voice was so clear to me the two weeks before this, I feel like I've been moving through a thick dark fog. If anything I have felt like I'm moving further from His will as the days progress. I am a fickle creature. Sometimes it amazes me how sure I am of God and then how unsure I become in the same breath. I have so much that pulls me to God. So many rich experiences, and yet I doubt. How can I doubt? My only comfort is that even the greats of the Bible experienced doubt in their lives.

One thing that I have been noticing lately, is how much clearer God is in my suffering. Its always those times of desperation, of pleading, of darkness and pain. Those times where my heart cries out, when I am alone. Is this the way it is meant to be? Are the trials in life the only times we can be close to our Father? Always during the daylight, my heart drifts. I get distracted far to easily. As if the pain snaps me back to reality. Those times when I'm the most lost. And yet, God is always calling out to me, even when I can barely hear Him.

Even this morning there were a few things that were brought home to my soul. One of them the fact that I have always lived in the idea that I can't. I don't have enough strength on my own. I am afraid to walk my own path. Is He letting me walk on my own two feet without help to teach me? Is God telling me I can? That I have the strength? Is He encouraging me with his absence?

Someone told me, that the Israelites in the time of the great judges went through so much because God was teaching them how to fight. A necessary skill for what was to come. He was honing a resilience in them for the coming days. Teaching them to stand on their own two feet. To fight for their freedom and to fight to hold onto it. Is He doing the same with me? This thought is at once encouraging and scares me to my core.

Balance and Distraction

2009-07-11T08:33:00.004+10:00

One of the main things that is on my mind lately is balance. Balance in myself and balance in my relationships. I have been realizing ever so slowly the work God has been doing in my life to make me into the man He wants me to be.

For so long I've held on to fears, insecurities and childish notions that hold me back from myself. It has been a difficult road.

I remember 3 years ago, my old pastor told me that God was wanting to shake things up in my life, and rip things out, so that my foundations would be solid and unshakable. Ever since those fateful words, my world has not been a stable one. God is indeed doing what he said he would, and this is but the latest in a long series of lessons he is teaching me. Slowly, painfully, and frustratingly I am coming to see the big picture.

I have seen that all my wires are crossed in the wrong ways. I hold onto what I should not, and discard what I should hold onto without a second thought. Part by part I am being stripped bare, dismantled and broken apart, only to be remade correctly, but it is a slow journey, fraught with danger.

Sometimes, I worry that one slip up will destroy the fragile balance, sometimes I feel like I am taking one step forward but two steps back. But through it all I can feel God close to me, encouraging me to move forward, encouraging me to trust in Him and those close to me.

It is hard. It is one of the scariest things I've ever done. For the longest time I guarded my heart, but I guarded it from the wrong things. I guarded it from intimacy, and from vulnerability. I built a fortress around myself in protection. My problems haunt me there. They became demons to torment me in my solace. Snarling at me, and feeding on my fears. My fortress because something not to keep others out, but to keep me locked inside. My own prison.

Brick by brick, I am taking back ground, my heart is slowly being restored to fullness. I get the feeling it will be a lifelong journey, after all I can never reach perfection in this lifetime, only the next.

Its funny, when I first moved up here, we had a traveling preacher visit our church. A powerful man of God. He told me things about myself that no one else knew but me and God. The last thing he told me was to get connected. I didn't understand then as I do now. I didn't do anything about it, until now. God has been calling me for a long time, that still small voice, that I often miss in all my distractions. Always it has been the same things. Intimacy. Trust. Connection. Letting go. Remove distractions. For the last 5 years the message has been clear and yet hidden.

Distraction. It has played a large part in my life. I would do anything to be distracted. Wrap myself up in books, video games, movies. Not once did I focus on God. On a relationship with Him. I focused on his nebulous God-ness, rather than reaching out to him as Father, as the lover of my soul.

Ever so slowly his voice reached me, a word here, a word there, until finally it clicked. Distractions. Remove them. Even now, with his command ringing in my ears I find it easy to get distracted. A little MSN here, a video game there, maybe I'll watch a movie or some anime. I wonder what's on YouTube? DeviantArt? Oh look at the time, I guess I'll have to read my Bible tomorrow, sorry God no time for you.

It is getting better. Slowly. I am starting to recognize the urge, and to counteract it. I believe that is one of the main reasons I am hearing and seeing God a LOT more now than I ever have before. The voices in my head dim and fade away, and that voice that was ever so soft yet persistent, becomes the roaring lion. The one that must be listened to above all else.

I make many mistakes. I cannot change that. All I can do is trust. And in trusting, things will become better. This I know. God has shown time and again that he is in control.

Blog Transfers

2009-07-10T07:36:00.002+10:00

Ok, I've finished transferring all blog entries from all my pre existing blogs to this one... so if you feel like poking around down there be my guest :)

I would add a proper entry right now as I haven't posted anything in a good 7 months...and I had planned to, but I'm to tired to think coherently right now. So for now, enjoy everything else.

The Morning Free

2008-12-08T22:44:00.003+10:00

The skies open up, revealing a hint of color within the grey
I stare at you in wonder, no words come I don't know what to say
They say that such a wonder a man is lucky to find in a lifetime
I am truly amazed that God would lead me, and you would by mine

I am not so good at showing how I feel, although I do try
I feel powerless as I fall into your beautiful brown eyes
When you leave me I feel so alone, and hope you won't be long
For when you are with me you complete me and make me strong

The beauty of this moment as the clouds fall away is eclipsed
You grace that you show me time and again is not to be missed
Your precious quality unfurls with each step that you take
I remember again my promises and how happy I wish you to make

And I suddenly feel moved to tears, as you hold my hand
You have watered and planted in this barren desolate land
The warmth of your hand in mine, goes beyond this plane
And gives me a glimpse of heaven on earth, I am changed

You are my soulmate, my all, the one who owns my heart
I never realized just how much you did, right from the start
The clouds pull back, revealing a dawn, fiery and glorious
Rich with hues of purple and red, as if God painted this canvas

We silently watch the sun rise and my heart is full of warmth
The smile I feel comes to bear and touches my face's form
I am content to be here, sharing this moment with you alone
You are the pinnacle of the moment, the final brush stroke

You are the goddess of this morning, my pièce de résistance
The work of art that is in you is not eclipsed in these lands
I suddenly feel the urge to surround you with my embrace
To protect your spirit with my strength, the fragilest of lace

I feel your sudden resistance melt away as I tentatively kiss
Oh such wonder, surely nothing will ever compare to this
The intimacy, such a rush of feeling I hope will never leave
A moment of joy and passionate release, one heart in you and me

The sun peeks over the horizon, splaying warmth onto our face
The heat that does not compare to what we feel, in this place
You are the one, I know it for true, I've longed for all these years
In you I reside, in you I confide and I cast away all my fears

Together we are and together we remain, our lives intertwined
I am so glad that God has lead me to you, my life defined
A single moment so precious, I barely breath, contentment and peace
Your eyes shine at me as we finally pull back, breathelessly cease

I offer my hand and we start to slowly dance, revelling together
This is the way it should be, the way it will be for forever
Our feet shuffle on the wooden porch as we hold each other close
Not aware of the canvas of color surrounding us as the sun rose

Years have passed and time slows, but your smile is still the same
You hair is a different color and the years have worn your frame
Your eyes and your heart still captivate me, then as much now
I still see you as you were back when, a delicate enchanting flower

A smile is hardly necesary anymore, but it still captivates our lips
As we stare at one other under another sunrise, melt under a kiss
You're my baby, my bride, my angel, I love you more than ever before
You have changed my soul completely, I look forward to more

You believed in me, as no one ever did, showed me the better way
As I looked into your eyes, you loved me and a better man was made
You are still even more beautiful than the dawn, and you'll always be
Together, just us, our love, God, the dance, the sun, and the morning free

Love

2008-12-06T20:10:00.004+10:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-14

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Distance

2008-12-06T17:30:00.003+10:00

I don't know what to do anymore. This distance that separates us has seemingly also seeped into our hearts.

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the joy? I long to hold you in my arms, to see your eyes light upon seeing me again, to feel you shiver in delight as I kiss you, like every time was the first.

Where has it all gone?

Every day is like standing on the knife edge. I can measure it. Have I had a good day? What could I have done better? Have I made your day better for being there? How do I reach you?

Every failure takes you one step further away from me. Each mistake threatens to shatter an already fragile connection.

My heart is aching constantly for you. I don't feel like you enjoy being with me anymore and worse I feel like it is all my fault. I hate my inability to express how I feel. I hate my insensitivity and the way I can't make you feel comforted and safe.

I don't want an end I just wish for a beginning and I fear what the future brings.

There is a wall of ice that has frozen over our hearts. Every beat brings forth more pain, like a dagger wound.

The life I once knew the joy I could feel almost like an aura has gone and all I feel is a deep deep rooted sadness and despair.

I want to give up but my heart betrays me.I made a promise. Not one but two. And there is the hope. It wells up inside me, reminding me of the past in the face of a barren future leading me stumbling on, blinding trusting until I fall over yet again.

I made a promise to you and I made a promise to God that I would see this through, that I would never leave you no matter what it costs me.

I felt God tell me, days, weeks, months ago? I cannot remember, it isn't important. I remember he told me to hold on no matter what, that he was leaving me but he would be back.

Every time before there was almost a fierce rush inside me to protect you, to protect us. "Don't let it end like this. Go to her. Make things better. Show her you truly love her. Eat your pride and admit how wrong you were."

I felt God telling me that things would get bad, that I had to be diligent or I would lose you forever. The premonition was very deeply convicting. I had no idea what it entailed and I simply thought to myself I can do that.

I was naive.

It has come true. It is make or break time and I am struggling so hard. Be a man! I am trying. I don't know what it is to be a man but I will try. Be strong! I have never been strong before but I will try. I wish I knew what to do. How to be a man. My own father cannot help me, for he is as much a boy as I am.

I know God is calling me to be a man. I know God is teaching me to love unconditionally, even when I would rather be doing anything else. No that is wrong. I would not rather be doing anything else. I just wish the past and the future were one, that this darkness would lift and we would be happy together again.

I have made so many mistakes. Blown it, to the point where I must be perfect or I will fail completely. No more second tries. And I deserve it, I know I do.

I need God so badly. He is the only one that will never fail. He is so distant. It is winter all over again despite being so hot outside. I know that these times are a time of trust where he wants us to grow but I feel so helpless and alone.

It's funny how the seasons change. The summer is a time of joy, everything seems to go right and God feels so close. The autumn is where the dead branches and leaves start to fall and things in your life get shaken. Winter is a time to baton down the hatches and prepare for the long haul. God feels the most distant and pain and loneliness are close. Then the spring comes again and you feel hope for the first time.

Winter seems to be almost the eternal season of my life.

I know that God brought you to me. I know that. I know that we were made for each other. I know that. I know how well we work together. I've seen it. I've been there. It blows me away, its like clockwork. Like we were fragmented. A mess of puzzle pieces that came together to build one complete picture. Why do I feel so alone?

Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you
Isaiah 54:10

Deep within me

2008-12-05T19:03:00.003+10:00

I am broken. I am selfish. I try to get out of everything. I am a coward. I am lazy. I am insensitive. I am unlovable. I make big mistakes. I am unchanging.

I feel like I will lose you if I don't change. But I also feel powerless to change.

I've gone through my whole life being comfortable where I am, not wanting more or less. Not seeing all my imperfections and selfishness. Then you came along. You showed me that there was more and it was worth fighting for. You became my mirror, showing me the ugliness within myself. My soul constantly fights with my heart trying to get me to stay in my own comfortable world. I shy away from you and the ugliness you force me to see about myself.

I am alone when you leave me and I know it more than I've ever known it before. My heart aches and my soul in its respite finally agrees. As much as I am a war torn desolate empty land, there is a truce between them. I don't know how long it will last.

I am so selfish and I am used to wanting, having and doing things my way. I put my wants before yours and push you away, slowly sealing you off from me forever. How can I be such a hypocrite?

I am prideful and I hate having to rely on others for help. My soul rejects the possibility almost subconsciously even while my heart cries out to show my pain, to be heard amidst the rain.

I am lazy and comfortable. I know what is right, and I know what I must do but I don't. You shake up my world and force me to see the truth that I don't want to see. I hide from you as much as I hide from myself.

I am a coward. I live in fear of love and intimacy and most of all you. I don't trust you to love me wholly because I make mistake after mistake. My beauty is marred by imperfections and flaws. I am not just thousands of tiny cracks running through a ruby, but I am shattered pieces of stone. I live to die at my own hand because I cannot face my own truth.

I am my own mirror. You helped me see that. You force me to look at myself and see that I am also a mirror, I had long since broken the surface of myself to forget what I looked like. But the problem with that is that now I walk through a sea of shattered glass, scarring and bloodying me.

I rely on only myself, in a world designed for two and more. I feel but am numb at the same time. I have locked away the parts of my heart that truly matter. Only now when I feel despair do I realize how foolish I have been to throw away the key.

My heart cries out piteously for help, it is dying and weak. I have had so many opportunities to save it but I have drifted. I do not care. I need to change. I do not care. I need to be better. I do not care. I am lonely. I am comfortable I do not care.

It has been so long since I was alive. Society has killed me with cheap tricks. Knock offs to dull the pain and remove my passion. I can pretend I am happy by living in distractions. Only for so long.

My heart dreams of green. Trees and woods. Wild untamed lands. Me and God and my lover. The one who makes me whole and the one who completes me. Three who become one. Adventure and love and struggle. Pioneering on uncharted frontiers. No worries. Dreams they are and dreams they remain.

I want to cry. I want to die. I need to be strong. I need to change. I want to lie. I want nothing. I need to learn. I need to become desperate. How much longer?

I cannot promise anything. I cannot promise I will become better. I have lost my way. The best I can do is try and hope.

Hope that wellspring within me. It is almost as dry as my heart. It haunts me, whispers to me. Can I listen?

Will you still love me for who I am knowing I may never change?

God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?
Numbers 23:19

You and Me

2008-10-14T08:59:00.001+10:00

You take me to the heights and let me soar
You take down to the lowest depths to find the real you
You leave me confused and without words
So many words to say and I find all the wrong ones or none at all
Without any guide I feel like I should comfort you, but I don't know how
I want to do right, and I love you so much
I keep pushing through, because sometimes
On very rare moments, you smile
It lights up my entire life, and brings me joy and peace, if only for a moment
I would rather have 10 such moments and have the worst life
Than have a happy life and never truly know you

My Plea

2008-10-13T15:53:00.001+10:00

Icy winter veins shroud your heart
Stare into the rain as they tear us apart
Where do they come from none can tell
And the one who knows stays silent as well

Onlookers see only what they want
But the smiling face is only a front
This frozen heart is hidden away
Joy and hope gone forgotten is the day

Is there even a reason for this pain
Internal wanderings of fear and shame
Why do you lock yourself in this hearse
You are the only one who can reverse

Time wears on, friends drop like flies
Drawn away, believing the devil's lies
I am not worthy, I am alone and lost
Each word you affirm adds more frost

How can you see what beauty resides
When all you do is cover up and hide
How can you see what joy you bring
When you will not relinquish this thing

Come back to us don't lose hope
Don't you see how I love you so?
It is very hard I really understand
I've been where you are, take my hand

All it takes is a single choice
A word, silence broken by voice
release your heart from snow and fear
Don't let your heart be seared

Wash away stains keep you bound
Only misery in them is found
Let dead dogs lie and forget the past
Please remember it doesn't last

Only you can decide your fate
We cannot keep you on the narrow straight
To do so only brings your tears
You have so much life in your years

For there are other things too
In your memories of life blue
Of laughter and happiness and hope
Don't forget, they are your life rope

I'm not asking you to make light
And pretend everything is right
But to see the world, light AND dark
And not hide away from us your heart

Hopelessness

2008-09-16T03:30:00.001+10:00

I just finished watching Butterfly Effect for the first time in 2 years. I am struck by the notion that we aren't meant to exist. I have to be honest, I don't know how atheists can live with that. The overwhelming despair and absolute hopelessness. IS that all there is? Are we not meant to exist??

I broke down on the movies conclusion. Here was a man, born but not meant to exist, ultimately fulfilling his own prophecy and knowingly committing suicide just as he began.

I just don't understand how you can live with the idea...I just...don't...

The Fool

2008-08-11T04:55:00.000+10:00

The fool spurns your love and belittles your trust
On his lonely lifelong quest on unending lust
He runs from love and doesn't let you get close
The hurts you receive are simply a matter of course

He is in an unconquerable prison of his own making
He rejects love and everything precious, breaking
What seems good he despises, under a guise of innocence
And blood spills on his account, balanced on a fence

He fails to recognize, time after time again
The things of you, rejecting his closest friend
Promises of change and pleas for innocence
Disappear in the rain, day after of no difference

The fools sits in his gilded cage, lacking wisdom
Mistake after mistake, crimes and bad decisions
In times of dark, the fool cries, help his plea
Forgetting life and heart, that fool is me

I am sorry :(

Perfection

2008-07-23T22:18:00.001+10:00

What IS perfection? We can strive for it or despise it, but do we truly know what it is? Is it even possible that humans can know what it is? Can we even imagine?

People talk about perfect moments, perfect jobs, perfect days, perfect sunsets, but they are all transient. Is perfection transient? Is all we will ever see of perfection in our lives, glimpses, that are fleeting at best?

What would a perfect life be? One where we could do anything we wanted without consequence? One where nothing ever went wrong? One where we would always be happy?

Why do we always in our hearts search for perfection, knowing that we will never find it on this earth? Is it because perfection cannot be defined by humans? Or maybe that perfection is beyond humanity? Maybe that perfect is beyond this earth?

C.S. Lewis, a great scholar and thinker of his time, wrote, (paraphrased) "If we as human beings are constantly searching for something not of this world, then perhaps we were not meant for this world."

If we are not meant for this world, then why are we here? Were things different once? Were things perfect once? What happened? Did we screw it up? God knows it's entirely possible, we are after all, only human.

Just as importantly, where are we meant for? Is there a place that perfection can be found and not just for a moment, a day, but for an eternity? Is it even possible?

These are the questions that have no answer without God. If there is no belief of something greater, then this is all we have and this is all we'll ever be. Stuck for the rest of our lives striving for something impossible to attain.

And yet, despite everything, despite the pain it brings us, something within our very souls will always look for more. Despite how hard we try and deny the possibility of a God, despite how hard our hearts become in this life, we will never truly quiet the unrest of our hearts, searching for more, searching for perfection.

Does this mean that God is the key to perfection?

Storm - Lifehouse

2008-05-05T01:15:00.001+10:00

Does the 4th Dimension Prove Spirituality?

2008-05-02T13:03:00.000+10:00

Hey there readers, I recently had an interesting discussion with a friend over IM that lasted close to 2 hours, and I thought I would share it, cleaned up and spell checked. Does the 4th dimension prove spirituality? Maybe not, but it does raise some very interesting discussion points, about what we believe. Anyway, I hope you get something out of our ramblings. Unfortunately we got a little offtopic from the original question, but you can still follow along. I am in green and my friend is in white, enjoy.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=nu20Uv5BQhU&feature=related

lol

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=zfIf1-7KEoM&feature=related
checkout this one lol

lol, stupid

lol

all ghost crap is just annoying to me
it's like UFOs

lol

because seriously look at the situations where ghosts are sighted
it's all during times where it's like, why the fuck do these people have a camera on

do you believe in a spiritual side at all?

eh?

do you believe that what we are, physical isn't the only side of things to exist?

do you mean do I believe in a spiritual world or ghosts

not necessarily ghosts but yeah 'the unseen' world so to speak

mm
not really

lol
do you discard the possibility of it?

not of a god-like being

well I wasn't really asking about the existence of god lol thats another question
ok forget a spiritual world lets talk purely theoretical maths
something like the 4th dimension if it does exist
we have 3 other dimensions from which we can gather rules for a 4th dimesion
any lower dimension can be displayed in a higher dimension
ie. 2 dimensions like a drawing can be in 3 dimensional space
etc.

I know what you're talking about I ain't stupid XP

an approximation of a higher dimension can be displayed on a lower dimension too, like a 3d game on a screen
you know the concept of a hyper cube?

yes

so you know all the maths and stuff behind it?
well anyway

nah never cared

lol, ok
so from a mathematical standpoint each side extends in a higher dimension...I'll try to demonstrate

^-- 1D:, x plane

^--- 2D: x, y planes

^-- 3D: x, y, z planes

so 4d would have each side of the cube extend or double but still remain connected illogically to our 3d minds
theoretically, we could see a 4 dimensional image the same way a 2d man on a screen could see the approximation of a 3d image
but we couldn't comprehend what we were seeing the same way the 2d man couldn't fully grasp what he was looking at

lol, yeah

so theoretically the 4th dimension could exist
but we would neither see it or if we did, we wouldn't understand it because it is beyond what we could even hope to understand
and doesn't follow our 3d laws or logic

yes, but what it would be is too hard to comprehend

but it could still exist
the only way we could even begin to get an idea is with our imagination only, not our logic

I can pretty much tell you what it would have to be to exist
it would have to be a series of universes mashed together to form something even larger scale

how do you know?

because our universe is already 3 dimensional

as far as we know

No, you aren't understanding me
3 Dimensions is as far as this universe can expand, because something else can't expand upon what is already 3 dimensional

how do you know?

not in our universe

to the 2d man, a piece of paper is his universe

how could it?
that's my point

but it is still within a bigger 3d universe
but he doesn't know anything beyond the bounds of his piece of paper

that's why I'm saying a 4th dimension could only be a mashing of multiple universes
because our universe is the 3d universe

and aside from the fact that the paper is within our 3rd dimension, the 2 aren't related

it doesn't scale down to simply be our planet

what do you mean?

our planet is not the only one that follows the 3 dimensional law

aye
but everything within our 3d world follows 3d laws, the same as everything on a piece of paper follows 2d laws

Yes, but our universe is our piece of paper

exactly

which is why it would have to be a myriad of universes grouped together
to form a 4th dimension

oh
I see what you mean
but
you can have a stack of papers....it is not the paper itself that defines a desk or an office or a dimension
it is but one element within that dimension

the 2 dimensional world is a piece of paper
no matter how big that piece of paper gets it is still 2 Dimensional

yep
and you could theoretically have different size 3d papers within a 4d world as well
but you could also have 4d houses, 4d cities, 4d planets

No, for the same reason as you cannot have 3D men on a 2d piece of paper

you're talking about having a higher dimension in a lower dimension, I'm talking about having a lower dimension in a higher dimension, which is already possible as you can have 2d in 3d space

Yeah, but for that to occur our universe would have to not be 3D
which it has proven to be

but it would be to us, which it is
to the 2d man, his paper is 2d
he has no concept of the edges nor could he hope to
his world is defined by his reality

Now you realize why we think the universe does not end
because it is the only thing in our realm of understanding
that it simply goes on forever
but it is our piece of paper

I believe that our universe can be defined by 3d space
the same as a piece of paper can be defined by 2d space
but it can also be defined by 3d space as well

Exactly
our universe cannot be 4D period
but it can be a part of something 4D

lol
but a piece of paper is 3d

what's your point?
you're trying to get too technical here

ok let me try to re-iterate

when talking about the piece of paper

to the 2d man on a piece of paper, the paper is 2d
but to the 3d man, the paper can be defined by 2d but in reality is 3d
as paper also has a back, which it would not in 2d
but the 2d man does not know any better
we as 3d men define our paper as 3d
we define out world as 3d
but if we are but a piece of 3d paper in a 4d universe
our universe to use would be, could only be defined as 3d
but in reality would be a 4d element
do you see what I'm saying?

I get what you're saying, but it applies differently

how so?

because the 3D piece of paper is but a simple part of the 3D world

exactly
and I'm trying to say that if a 4d reality did exist, we would only be a simple part of it

yes, but that still does not make our universe 4d

why not?

because the 2d Man does not actually believe his piece of paper is 2d
because he does not know he is part of a piece of paper
he is part of a 2D world

that doesn't rule out the possibility though

his world is not 3D

it just makes it beyond the 2d man's understanding and comprehension

our Universe is not 4D

lol, to US

but it could be a part of it

it's a matter of perception only
but
for us looking down at a piece of paper

No, you're missing my point

we can instantly say that a piece of paper is 3d

the 2d man does not believe himself to be part of a piece of paper

just because the 2d man's perception is different doesn't change that fact

No, his world is 2 dimensional
just the plane that his world exists in is 3 dimensional
we could be in the plane of the 4th dimension

then how would you explain the back of the paper?
which is an intrinsically 3d concept
in a 2d world

the back of the paper is a separate 2 dimensional world

but it's still part of the same piece of paper

but also exists in the 3 dimensional plane
no it is not
not in terms of 2 D
in terms of 3D it is one piece of paper

but it isn't 2d
the paper is 3d
it's only 2d to the man who lives on it

it's one piece of paper containing 2 2D worlds

actually it contains 6 2d worlds
a paper has 6 sides
4 are to thin as to be inconsequential to us
but that is what defines paper as 3d

Yeah
a 4 D object would have to contain 24 sides

if it was cube based lol

at minimum, that is

well no, the minimum would be trigonal based not cube based
but that's getting sidetracked lol
but
in the same way that the paper could contain 2 completely different worlds
both of those worlds couldn't exist without the other
and one of those worlds is unseen to the other

one side of paper is one 2D world

yes

it can't contain more than one

I know that

you're proving my point more by the way
since you can have one world on one side
and one on the other
but they don't know about each other

I never disputed that

we could easily have multiple universes making up a 4th Dimension

you're trying to say that our universe could be a multi verse...I never disputed that
I do dispute that a 4d universe is defined by 3d objects though
for the simple reason that our 3d world isn't defined by 2d objects

Yes it is

sure we have 2d objects in our world, but it doesn't define us

3D is made up of thousands of 2D objects together

we could define it like that, but that is an incorrect assumption
a brick isn't made up of infinite 2d brick planes layered together
2d doesn't have any depth at all, so it doesn't matter how many 2d planes you put into a brick it would always remain 2d
a 2d plane is infinitely thin
it's like dividing something by 0 lol

that's wrong, actually

oh?

what is necessary for a 2D world to exist?

an x plane and a y plane
up down, left and right

lets use the piece of paper as an example

no in or out

you can create a 2D man with a pencil
but that pencil lead technically lifts itself off the paper
so technically that man is not really 2D

now your getting into a technicality which doesn't really have anything to do with our subject
we don't know that a 4d element somehow created us

well then you have to divide this into two different categories then

what do you mean?

because 3D images are created using 2D images

no 3d images are created using 3d elements....a 3d image is a sculpture or a statue
a 3d image on a 2d plane is an approximation that we would recognize as 3d but is not in fact 3d

in order to determine the possibility of a 4th Plane being the creator of our plane
we would have to determine if 1D lead to 2D
or if 2D lead to 1D
but we don't know what 1D is in actuality, because 2D is as low as our minds can fathom as well

we can fathom 1 dimensions too
a 1d man would be simply a point on a line
his every day would be traveling in between 2 points that define his line

well there you go

well there I go what? lol

we began with 1D, then moved into 2D
then 2D moved on to 3D

how so?

2D is made up of infinitely many lines

no
you're thinking of 1d from a 2d perspective

you cannot create the next dimension without the previous

true
but it extends
and build upon it
it is not made up of JUST the previous dimension
2d is made up of 2 dimensions... in 1 dimension any line can only be in ... 1 dimension or direction, lets call it x....the y direction is totally different

the introduction of the Z plane is how we expanded

we were never 2d to begin with
lol

which is why you need two separate categories

ok, I'm confused
2 categories for what?
what are we talking about?

to divide up what is 2D
because inorganic objects follow different dimensional laws than organics

how so?

because inorganic objects can be created through numerous 2D objects

I think you're missing the point

what's the point then? XP

lol well my original point is that the 4th dimension could exist and would be unseen and incomprehensible to us as 3d beings except as an approximation which would still be incomprehensible

your original point isn't exactly true XP

how not?

well, a 4th dimension could easily exist

...well my original point is that the 4th dimension could exist and...

it's not part of our dimension though

I never said that lol
but you do not dispute that an unseen world could exist and that illogical things to us may happen because of it?

I dispute that there's an unseen world to the death

what do you mean?

I'm saying it's more or less impossible for something unseen to be manipulating us

why do you say that?
if we rippled, folded, scrunched, tore, or even touched the world of a 2d man on his paper, it would be something unseen manipulating him in uncomprehendable ways

the difference is, 2D and 1D objects are not organic and do not contain thought process

true, but for that analogy to work at all and with all good analogies you must use a little imagination
otherwise we may as well throw out the whole argument

the only reason it is so hard for us to comprehend a 4th dimension is because we can think

whereas there is probably a lot more truth in that statement than you know, my whole hypothesis was based around a 2 dimensional man not a drawing but a living thinking man in 2d lol

I know

Sirens and Their Songs

2008-04-26T18:22:00.000+10:00

Shattered dreams and bitter ends
All come to collect their dividends
Security a word with no deep heart
Nothing to gain, no ends to start

Heart strings attached and snipped
The skys fall as my wings are clipped
Wrath and thunder both loudly roar
As lightning lights the stormy shore

Sirens sing their lonely songs
Luring sailors to death fore long
And in this time of solitude
I think back, and reflect on you

What could have been or what will be
This question never ends, haunting me
I cannot see through darkness now
Until time passes and night fades out

We Two

2008-04-08T00:54:00.001+10:00

I stand here all alone and darkness surrounds
How did I get in this mess? This utter wretched hell?
The demons laugh and torment,mocking my pain
Leaving nothing, no humanity, driving me insane

The painful hours, turn into day, months and years
And slowly but surely, I begin to succumb to my fears
I turn one day, in my dark hole and begin to notice
A so small, very faint light, appeared in the distance

I was scared at first, being used to the pitch dark
Fearing that the light would strip me, leave me stark
But over the months, I began to accept in my pain
A faint, true companion, something to keep me sane

Each day the light grew closer, shining more and more
The demons that mocked, shrunk away, fleeing before
All the while, my eyes adjusted, not able to see
That the light moving closer, held arms out to me

Nestled within those arms of light, was comfort and warmth
Filling my barren heart with more than I ever thought
But this sense of peace in the dark was not meant to last
The hands enfolded mine, and led me through the past

Eventually, the days got brighter, and the darkness faded
And the warm light, started to melt my heart, so jaded
Until that day when all of the black, simply slipped away
And I found myself, in the bright, sunlit light of day

Blinded and in fear, I automatically turned and ran
Fear hid my soul, and heart away from loving hands
Arms embraced me then, telling me that all was alright
I turned, and the light had faded as returned my sight

Into another, just like me, and yet different also
Who stared, saw darkness, and yet loved though
They slowly led me away, from the dark that lay behind
And took me away into lands that light shined

The darkness followed at a distance, afraid of light
Whispering ever so subtly, that it was good and right
That I should return to the dark, for none to see
And there I would be clothed, and there be free

My lover comforted me, drawing me away
Promising also that they would forever stay
The darkness slowly began to fade it's black themes
Eventually only coming, in my darkest of dreams

I woke up from a sweat after each episode
Into the arms of my lover on this long road
Through comfort and love and trust in grace
We walked together through life's race

You may think that this tale is surely done
But I and my lover can assure you it has just begun
Many days of walking this road yet remain, many stones
Before this journey ends, and we are finally home

There is joy in the journey, as we walk together
Arm in arm we go, free, not tied or tethered
And tears also flow, as we knock on wood
But smiles abound, for the journey is good

Nothing Else Matters

2008-03-12T00:01:00.001+10:00

Breakfast Table

2008-03-11T07:43:00.000+10:00

Was it a million miles to heaven
Too far to hear my lonely song
Or is it just my imagination I hear you humming along
I only hold you in my dreams now
I wake up with cold and empty arms
Lord help me get through this long night without you
And soon as the morning comes
Soon as the morning comes

Save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All I've wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angel's feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, we'll change our minds just like old times
And maybe we'll just fly away
Or maybe we'll stay

My lucky doll, you're in heaven before me
You were my taste of heaven here
Remember we loved to talk about it, we couldn't wait to get there
So you go on and find your way around now
But remember I'm here missing you
Do me a favor and say hey to Jesus
And tell him I'm missing him too
Tell him I'm missing him too

Then save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All I've wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angel's feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, we'll change our minds just like old times
And maybe we'll just fly away
Or maybe we'll stay

- Chris Rice

2008-03-01T20:52:00.000+10:00

Hope

2008-02-28T04:02:00.000+10:00

I've been living in a fog of depression ever since I've moved. It's been diferent from normal in that it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind as is usually the case with depression. It has simply been in the background, subtly stealing my hope and joy, and draining the life from me. It has gotten a fair bit worse, mixing with the 'standard' depression because of various things going on in my life right now, mainly family issues, to the point where I would simply be sitting in front of my PC staring at the screen for hours not really doing anything.

I heard a song today from a band that I used to love called Pillar. I noticed on MySpace that they are releasing / have released a new album and I checked out the new songs they had posted up, which sound awesome. However it was an older song (which I now have on my blog) and as I listened to it I felt the first glimmer of hope I've felt in ages. It was instantly recognizable. I don't know if it will last, but it was very refreshing to say the least. Maybe it's a sign for the future? I don't know, but I can hope :)

Unfinished

2008-02-25T22:03:00.001+10:00

So many words to say and I find all the wrong ones

Slowly Numb

2008-02-01T19:33:00.000+10:00

I sit and stare at the roof, thinking of things left unsaid
They say that eyes mirror the soul and truth can be found if one looks
Thoughs swirling around in my mind, killing me slowly and leaving me dead
But my eyes only mirror a hole showing all the mistakes that I mistook

Life seems to be an endless dream, verging on a nightmare's edge
The fog of dreams hides pitfalls and drawing me mistakenly closer
Slipping and sliding towards the end, hit between the eyes with a sledge
Death becomes us all in the end, but what if I was chosen?

I feel and feel and don't feel enough, fear rises in its place, stealing joy
Will I fail, and will I fall? Emptiness overcomes my fears
Outside I smile and laugh and shrug it off but inside, I am just a lost little boy
I cover my eyes, willing calm, leaving me numb and drying my tears

Lost in the age old revelation that will can hide my pain and tears
I bury them deep in the murky depths, until they are one with my bones
My heart bears the pain, and slowly hardens throughout the years
As each tear and pain slowly turns my heart to stone

I have no time for regret yet sadness seems to follow me
I used to fight it off in my youth, but now I am all but spent
Oh to rid myself of shackles, grow wings, fly away, and be free
But the huge gap between me and my heart has been rent

I miss you

2008-01-26T04:10:00.000+10:00

I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you cry
I miss the way you laugh
I miss the way you speak
I miss the way you say my name
I miss the way we tease each other
I miss the way you are always there
I miss the way you brighten up my day
I miss the way I can fall alseep to your voice
I miss the way I can wake up to your quiet breathing
I miss the way you comfort me when I'm sad or tired
I miss you

Pain

2008-01-26T02:37:00.000+10:00

Sadness. Tears. Grief. Hurt. Loneliness. Emptiness. Numbness. Anger. Darkness. Despair. Death.

I feel.
Fear.
What do I do? Where do I go?

No one to help me through but myself, and I fail miserably.
Time and time again.
Full of shame at my failures.

How can I be so full and yet so empty?
Years go by and I accomplish nothing of consequence.
Life goes to waste and I can do nothing.

Arguments with those closest, roll overheard like stormy clouds, leaving a sickening sense of dread in the stomach.

Doubt.
Am I wrong?
Am I right?
Pushed down. Never dealt with.
The well is covered over and forgotten.
And with it I lose my humanity.

I fail once again.
One for each decision I make.
Will I ever make it? Even once?

My heart cries out in pain.

Dismantle. Repair.

2008-01-09T13:56:00.000+10:00

One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

- anberlin

The Golden Compass

2007-12-26T23:06:00.000+10:00

Ok people rant alert.

* This was in all respects labeled as a kids movie. I watched a talking polar bear fully rip another polar bear's jaw off and see it sailing across the screen. He then snaps the other bear's neck. Now I don't have a problem watching this stuff, hell I've seen far worse...but that to me isn't and shouldn't be labeled a kids movie.

* The whole premise of the movie was that existence was a multiverse connected by dust and in one of these verses people have animal familiars. These familiars are cute and cuddly for the most part...generally reflecting their owner ie. good person, good animal, etc. etc. These animals are telepathically linked to their 'owners' kinda like the Dragons of Pern for all you book lovers or Eragon and Saphira for all you movie lovers. The rules are that whatever the familiars feel the owner feels and vice versa including death. Ok. Yep that's all cool. All that to say this

What I didn't like was the fact that the familiars were called demons ... or 'daemons' if you want to go with the ye olde english way of spelling it. Same thing. Now if demonas actually do exist, and in all folklore and mythology of every culture in the world they are painted in a bad light. Why for FUCKS SAKE DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM CUTE AND CUDDLY THINGS THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO HAVE IN A KIDS MOVIE!?!?!? Oh...wait... I remember, this ISN'T a kids movie is it? There's death by jaw removal. Damn marketers. 3P1C 9H41L!

* 3d Animals. Since Babe there has been an explosion of 3d animals in cinema. Quite frankly although currently incredibly impressive, the animated animal kingdom are nowhere near real enough to be using as lead roles in movies. They detract from the realism of the movie and take away from the immersion that is supposed to take place when you watch any good movie.

* There were a lot (and I mean a LOT) of big named actors in the movie, but once again, bad directing has let them all go to waste.

* The acting was reasonable, but the plot sucked. There were just TO MANY THREADS! None of which were properly explained. The film seems like a rushed, badly written copy of The Chronicles of Narnia made to scab money and freak out little children.

/End of rant

Stress

2007-12-16T21:26:00.000+10:00

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*the sound of me pounding my keyboard in frustration*

People is People

2007-12-08T22:53:00.001+10:00

I've decided I don't really know how to write blogs anymore.

Rambling

2007-12-03T09:27:00.000+10:00

*sigh* I'm tired, and feeling sick,
and feeling empty.
Color me blue, I'm waiting...

Right here, amidst the uncertainty.
Uncertainty of the future is where I'm supposed to live.
And yet I hate not knowing.

I am a fool.

Sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.
This is a lie. Things are never better tomorrow.

Wounded hearts. Fragility.

I play my games to forget. And fall
Fall into the trap of forgetting too much.

I am a fool.

Dreams come and go. Fade into nothing or blossom like a rose.

Color me blue, I'm waiting...

Differences between men and women

2007-11-30T01:58:00.000+10:00

Ok, I posted this once before ages and ages ago, but it's so good, so to get away with not posting a proper blog, I'm gonna post it again :P hehehe, surprisingly there are some words of wisdom hidden in the humor ^.^

1. NAMES
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Update on life

2007-11-01T06:33:00.000+10:00

Well it seems like months since I last blogged... wait, it HAS been months! This year is already nearing an end. It feels like everything has been put on hold for the year. After last year, where everything happened and kept happening, it's almost been a blessing just to take a year off, but in all honesty I also feel like I haven't made much progress. Old habits die hard as the saying goes, and I'm finding this exceptionally true, much as I fight against them more and more.

Ever so slowly I have been rediscovering God throughout the year, although sometimes I feel that the small amount of progress must be frustrating for us both. Since moving I have felt a freedom that I never really felt before while living down south, and the amount of acceptance I have been shown has amazed me.

I've realized that the healing process is a slow one. You get to a point where you think that you've moved on and then something will trigger a painful memory and you are right back where you started.

I still have a long, long way to go to letting my heart completely open up, and the journey scares the hell out of me. All I can say is please don't give up on me, because thats the only way I'll ever make it.

Memories

2007-08-19T07:41:00.000+10:00

Lost in my memories, I see nothing else
Stuck in my past, reliving the love that I felt
Those days are gone now, but I cannot see
The days gone by, when I was the most free

As I lay down to sleep, alone and confused
Images flash past, reliving the news
My failures, my blame, the day I ruined it all
A perfect life destroyed, stolen by a fool

Every past mistake, every little wrong
Come back and haunt me, seducing me with song
To end it all, no one would know
To end the torment, and simply go

Rain softly falls, outside on the window
Lightning flashes, thunder roars, wind blows
The storm outside, is mirrored in my heart
As my sanity, starts to crumble apart

Resolve to keep living, has gone away
Taking everything, as I wish it would stay
What am I to do, the question haunts me
Angels and devils ignore my plea

Alone in silence, I try to feel
Only to know the numbness I yield
Anything at all, my mind screams out
In reply, not a whisper, not a shout

I tried so hard, to make things right
Only to be to late, to put up a fight
The weight of my sins, drag me down
To the bottom of the river, where I drown

Wanting to forget, remembering nothing else
Seeking forgiveness, within this hell
A resolution, to move forward
To live again, looking onward

A glimmer of hope begins to shine
Through the darkness, given time
To love again, one day soon
A dream so fragile, it breaks upon the wound

And yet it remains, ever locked away
Waiting for the moment, to see the light of day
In the distant future, a wave upon the shore
A sound is heard, glimmering hope for all

Day Late Friend

2007-08-01T18:44:00.000+10:00

Well, these are the lyrics to a song that is kinda deep for me by a band by the name of Anberlin off their Never Take Friendship Personal album:

So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough we both have significant others

Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

But thoughts they change and times they rearrange I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more then I remember
Can't help but entertain these thoughts
Thoughts of us together

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

My day late friend

So let me get this straight
All these years and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned
We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

This has a lot of meaning for me. When I first heard it I absolutely hated it on account of the lyrics. I had a typical boyish crush that I hoped would go places one day and this song drained the life out of that dream. Whenever I hear it now it takes me back to a time last year in the middle of winter. Me and my best mate had a sort of ritual where we'd just drive and drive and drive for hours on end (pretty expensive) anyway we were out in this typical late autumn, early winter scene, rough dirt road, a few forlorn evergreens interspersed with the standard leafless trees. A chilly wind was blowing a few dead leaves around under a dull grey, cloudy sky. We were simply driving through it all, in the nice toasty car with this album playing in the background. The coversation was about love and life and spirituality. At the time I had been going through a pretty rough time throughout the previous year because I was holding as tightly as I could to that fading dream even as it got further and further away from me. Simply put I was an emotional wreck, very easily up and more so very easily down. We were both going through similar things at the time and our conversation reflected that fairly deeply. Both of us took comfort in the other's company and the feeling that neither of us were alone in it.

Since I've moved I really don't get to see anyone from my old life, except in very brief glimpses. The song now speaks to me of exactly that type of situation. Old friends who are gone now reminiscing over old circumstances and situations in which they find themselves. Much the opposite of what I used to feel about it, it is actually a very comforting song for me to listen now. Of course, if you actually follow the lyrics it's also talking about (well to be fair, it's ACTUALLY talking about) Two old lovers who start to connect again while desperately trying to retain an aquaintance type relationship. Life brnigs them back together after they'd moved on from each other and it comes down to a choice to stay with their respective partners or get back together. But that part doesn't really hold much for me right now, just the base of it.

Well, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Maybe it's just enough that I right out my cluttered thoughts...

Lonely Memory Stains

2007-07-20T20:46:00.000+10:00

How do you bear the pain
Of your lonely memory stains
They seep into everthing you do
Coloring your life shades of blue

Life brings them to the forefront
Despite anything that you want
It make you cry your tears
Over all of your lost years

The wreckage of your life
With all its pains and strife
Why would you live
With anything to give

All is eventually taken away
Everything falls, everything fades
Death whispers and seduces
Singing in many false hues

The one you loved for evermore
Has completely gone before
Leaving you this shallowness
With a heart full of hollowness

One day you will live again
No longer hide and depend
Spread your wings and fly
For hope only comes from the sky

This Wretched Man

2007-07-18T04:18:00.000+10:00

For the last few months I've been fairly active on one particular Forum which is something I don't usually do, and I must say that I love it, I love the people that frequent it and the community that has grown up in it, but it struck me this morning as I was reading through a massive fall out between a division over one person's reasons for leaving. People look to forums to provide them with a sense of family that a lot of them don't get in real life a lot of the time. And it IS very easy to view them this way, however, it isn't a very solid foundation. It's like having all the perks but none of the quirks. Every single person who forums is free to leave at any time, and most of them do when things aren't 'going their way'. You just have to look at some of the massive flame wars that have started and ended on various forums around the iNet. Users 'get close' to other users and relate to them and with them just like a real community but unless more substantial actions are taken, this false sense of family stays only in the forums. As soon as something goes wrong, you just move onto the next forum.

As I was thinking this, it hit me out of the blue, that that type of relationship is exactly how I've been treating my life. I've always been extremely friendly with people but I've never reached out and been anyone's friend. I've never burdened my shoulders with that type of responsibility. I never got 'deep' enough with someone to even share my failures and fears as well as my success and strengths. To be open and vulnerable with people. (And blogging doesn't really count...it's like sending D&M off into the ether, you never really expect anything to come of it so it becomes easy) I don't think I have made that connection even once in my life.

At this point, I could say that I'll do better from now on now that I have had these revelations, but the sad truth is, I don't know whether I WILL do better. After 21 years of living I still haven't got it yet. I most I can do I try, yet this grates with everything in me. Stuff that I should have gotten right by now, I fail at, and all my skill and strength have not saved me.

------

Anime of the day: Air. This is a story about a guy who is basically a drifter. He travels around in search of the 'girl in the sky', a story that his mother told him when he was young and she was searching too. He has the ability to manipulate a doll puppet with his mind, which he used to get money for living and travelling. He soon comes to a town and the end of his money where he meets three young teenage girls. Each of these three come from very different backgrounds, but each has something in common. They come from a broken, disfunctional home, and they have a very fresh, mature outset of the world.

One by one our hero gets to the heart of each problem and manages to resolve the issues surrounding them until finally he comes to the last girl. This one is different. There seems to be a link between him and her and his search for the mysterious flying girl.

To make a long story short, it turns out that those born with the gift of flight were also cursed in ancient times to die an early death and take anyone that gets to close to them with them. In the end both the hero and heroine die, but they bring the miracle of love back into the girl's mother's heart.

I actually found the end to be a bit of an anticlimax after the series was building for so long, but like with most anime I've come to realize. The journey is more important than the destination. i also seem to be enjoying stories with sad endings a lot more than happy ones nowadays too. ^^

But meh, if you got through that blog without getting all depressed, then you're doing well. Writing about this sort of stuff gets it out of my system

Pandora's box of my heart

2007-06-14T20:08:00.000+10:00

Why is it that things that we thought were done with keep coming back to haunt us? We find it so much easier just to lock everything away, and never look at it again.

I've been getting into various anime series' lately. They are very engrossing and pass the time. Today one of my mates recommended one to me... Kimi ga Nozomu Eien...roughly translates as The Eternity You Desire (although the English name for it is actually Rumbling Hearts). It is a love story between two people, and a story of life between four friends. It is full of deep sadness and joys. And as I got further and further into the series, I could feel things in my own heart begin to stir, desires that have been locked away for so long now. I had thought that I'd dealt with them and that they were simply gone. I even got to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but watching this has brought them to the surface and it bloody hurts.

At the same time I can feel all that is going on as if in a container that the lid hasn't fully been opened. And very shortly it will close again. Hopefully one day, I will someday be able to take down these barriers I've set for myself and finally heal my heart so that I can live.

Arigato and gomenasai for these words

Argumentative subjecture

2007-05-19T03:20:00.000+10:00

I was going over http://www.gamedev.net/ forums (incidentally looking up gravity for a personal project I'm currently doing) when I came across a "religion" thread. At first I rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, ok, here we go, knowing full well that after about 10 posts it would start becoming an all out flame war between christianity and the world (as these things do) ... seriously guys, get over yourselves, either debate without resorting to verbal violence or don't debate at all, and debate DOESN'T mean "you worded this wrong so I'm going to take it literally even though I know it's not what you meant just so in my next post I can make fun of you and ridicule your arguments..." lame, lame, lame! ... and if you didn't hear me, yes thats what I said... lame! Wow, any preschooler can do that.

Anyway... I actually stayed on it for a good couple of hours, reading through the various arguments and counter arguments, most of which were not backed up by any facts what so ever. They all varied from the downright hilarious posts written by the comedic posters (thanks guys, you're awesome :D) to the typical forum trolls only there to argue everything while contradicting themselves the whole time to the deeply insightful posts from BOTH sides of the fence.

I think a lot of it was moot points from people who just don't want to concede that they might be wrong... we all know the type, they run around in circles with their logic... for instant a topic gets well and truly covered so they move onto the next topic and and cover that, to the next and the next until finally the one with the ego comes back to the first topic because they weren't satisfied with the answer and tries to ridicule it again... Bah! So tiresome. (And not being satisfied doesn't mean the explanation wasn't correct. For instance, I can prove that Gutenburg printed the first Bible but if you think it was someone else, we can argue until the cows come home about the fact without getting anywhere because you're not satsified with the truth.)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter what religion we are (and we are all a religion, even aetheism which BELIEVES that there isn't a God... no unalterable proof either way), arguing "logic" (one guy even tried to claim that logic was based on HIS perception rather than absolute truth...I'm sorry dude, but logic is like maths...you put the same variables in the same equation, it'll always come out the same... if x actually equals 10.0, then just perceiving it as 9.53 doesn't make it the right answer) about it isn't going to shed any light because a.) people just don't want to admit that they might actually be wrong about their deeply ingrained belief in God or the lack thereof. b.) sooner or later you will come to the point where you actually ARE wrong about one particular thing based on your faulty non-perfect human ways of thinking (seriously, give me someone who knows 100% about eveything the CORRECT way about the Bible...oh wait, that would be the God in question, hmm ok) and c.) The way to get to someone isn't through argument (much as scientists tell you otherwise) it's through mutual respect and understanding...on which an online forum there seems to be none at all. You have to build up a relationship with people BFORE you start arguing them or, DUH! Of course they won't listen to what you have to say..

I dunno...just my two cents after a couple of hours of thinking and ruefully shaking my head.

BTW: Here's the link for anyone interested... it's rather large so I recommend not going there until you have a couple of hours free...

http://www.gamedev.net/community/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=61013&PageSize=25&WhichPage=11

Searching the heart...

2007-03-12T13:55:00.000+10:00

So what does it really mean to listen to your heart? Well the answer that first comes to mind is I have no freaking clue, but that doesn't hold up so well under interrogation so I've decided to write this blog in an attempt to explain the unexplainable to myself....don't worry if you get lost for I surely am right there with you :)

Well the problem is not how to listen to your heart...that comes later...the first obstacle is what IS your heart? In a triune being - Body / Soul / Spirit - where does the heart fit in? In a culture that is so love focused, why is it so important? If you went down the street today and asked the majority of people if they listen to their heart, I think the responses would be as varied as the sky.

Some people link the heart to the soul, and in a sense, I believe this is true. Your emotions, your heart, seem connected, especially in the instance of love..when you look at your lover, your heart pounds and the feelings attached are electric. But what IS your soul? Who you are, what you think, all your memories, how you feel, everything that makes your physical body you and not someone else, all these things make up your soul. So yes, your emotions are a part of your soul.

The question then becomes do your emotions flow out of your head or your heart? Almost anyone you talk to would probably say your heart straight up, however I don't believe this is entirely true. When God speaks to you, where does He speak to you? Through your heart, BUT is it an emotional response? No...it is much deeper than that, it goes beyond emotions.

When you're angry do you think you're angry or do you feel angry? Most people would say I feel angry! But if you think about it...you're only angry for the duration of thinking about it...as soon as you put your MIND (keyword) to something else, the anger soon fades. Another example: when you know something is true beyond all shadow of a doubt, do you just think it's true or do you know it's true? It just feels right. But you don't have to keep thinking about it for it to ontinue to feel right...that's the different. Somewhere in there is the answer, I believe... (to be continued at a later date, post back in from time to time :) or better yet, just subscribe!)

The ramblings of a bastard

2007-02-23T22:04:00.000+10:00

Over the last month or so, a question has been in my head without a satisfying answer. "What is a christian?" Up until recently, I believed that we as christians are better than anyone else, that somehow purity in Christ makes us worthy. I would not have thought so, in fact I would have denied it profusely...if anyone asked me, I would have said we were no different, but subconsiously it was there. I had all the answers and the knowledge I needed to justify my existance and if I did anything wrong, well, God forgave me. I did try to do the right thing and fix myself of any problems that I might have, but of course no one can simply fix themselves. I created law and tried to adhere to it, but no one can live under law.

I ended up a mess. Outwardly I was fine, not a problem in the world, I was looked up to and respected my everyone I knew, even my closest friends didn't know what was going on, but inside, where's it's really important, I didn't even know myself anymore. I was so wrapped up in maintaining the kingdom that I'd built for myself, and defining who I was in what I did, being as busy as I could physically handle, trying to deal with my problems and failing every time. If you had have asked me how are you going? Yeah, not too bad, was my standard reply, and I even fooled myself into believing it. I knew there was something terribly wrong though, deep down, I wasn't being fufilled in anything anymore, my relationship with God was crumbling and everything around me was becoming more and more meaningless. God gave me ample opportunities to escape but I in my pride kept shutting Him out and trying to handle it myself and after a why my heart became numb, I simply couldn't feel it anymore.

Until finally one day, God gave me a wake up call, a reality check, whatever you want to call it, and a lot of things happened. I woke up at that point, and even though I tried to deny what a fool I had been at first, I knew it, everyone knew it, and eventually I had to simply admit my guilt. I did nothing for a while, simply trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do with my freedom. Eventually, although I still wanted to fix everything myself, I could see God telling me to let go, so I ended up leaving the remains of my life.

There is a thing that the aboriginals do as an initiation called walkabout, where one leaves everything and simply walks. The rules are that you cannot come back until you have found yourself and had a long chat. The purpose behind this is that so often humans in their busy lives define who they are by what they are, i.e. Jim's a builder...he builds stuff. Sounds pretty typical of how we describe someone...I'm an artist I can do amazingly creative works...not necesarily of genius, but satisfyingly creative. What happens when you take that away...what happens to Jim if he suddenly isn't a builder anymore? His very purpose in life is suddenly taken away, leaving him stranded. You see the problem with defining yourself by what you do, is that you don't know who YOU are anymore, so the question becomes...who am I? Thus the walkabout is intended to drive you away from your business, your defined norms, your qualifications, everything that might distract you from yourself and lets you rediscover your inner being or your heart. When the aboriginal boy goes and discovers himself, he comes back to the tribe as a man, knowing full well who he is.

Along the way the question came up "what is a christian?" Despite everything that had happened I knew that I was christian, despite the fact that I had failed miserably, and ruined myself, despite the fact that I didn't feel worthy to call myself christian and hadn't for a couple of months. Unlike many people, I don't get sudden light bulbs over my head turn on...I get brief glimpses of an answer for split seconds and then gone like the wind, leaving me frustrated and unable to answer, until finally enough time passes that I can finally see the big picture and I have an answer. The phrase I am a christian is actually a misnomer, and takes people away from the real answer to the question. 1 Corinthians 6:7-11 says (NKJ):

7 Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8 No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

And such were some of you, but you have been justified in Christ. There is only one fundamental difference between christians and non-christians. We've all made the same mistakes and have the same potential to destroy lives, create chaos. To take a phrase from the mathematical rule book...the lowest common denominator...everyone one of us is capable of the very worst things that humans have done. No matter how much we deny it, deep down we know it is true. Humans are a fallen race, always on the lookout for something to take them back to the glory of creation. The ONLY difference between non-christians and christians is a single word. "Yes". A christian has accepted Christ's free gift of salvation. His or her shame is taken away for all time in the eyes of God. When one accepts Christ into their lives they are not saying everything is better now, I will never have problems again and in face, this is true...nothing does change except that now there is hope for the future and that can never be taken away.

Everything to do with nothing and all in between

2007-02-18T20:37:00.000+10:00

Well, being that I haven't written a blog in many suns, I decided to fly in inspiration and vanish into the murky depths of my dusty old blog. I'm not exactly sure what the dank air has in store for me, nor also wether my scribing pen will still work after so much corrosion but inspiration preveals.

I've been up in sunny Brisbane (and HOT!!!!!) for about a week now, looking for work and getting settled even though my stuff is still on the way, so that even if I do settle in, I'll still have to settle in later... :/ *cough*POINTLESS*coughcough* I have a new beast/mother of a PC 4.2gtz dual core CPU, 4gb DDR2 mem, 500gb HD setup in SATA II Raid, 512mb NVidia GForce 7950, and all that jazz...runs very sweetly for the old owner...namely me and I'm very happy with the whole shebang. But apart from all that...

I've been trying to gather the shreds of my frayed mind and soul and place them in some kind of patchwork semblance of order...things have been progressing rather slowly and painfully as I try to fit them in the wrong spots. God has been working on me a lot, and I've been trying to focus on Him and in true workings with both my phlegmatic and my melancholy nature, asking all the deeper shades of question while at the same time searching my soul for answers and finding none...but this is ok, for artistry and creativity are wrought on such paradoxial proverbs. I am looking forward to the future and to serving God with my gifts and simply being free. As all of us long to be free. In the truest nature of the word, freedom in Christ is something that we are all familiar and yet unaware of in our daily lives nd yet we strive for it as much as we possibly can, sometimes the focus shifts slightly and we find ourselves ensnared by looking at the gift rather than the giver and with a jolt we find ourselves laughing (or crying) at our stupidity and gazing in adoration at the lover of our souls.

The Fool and His Folly

2006-12-29T23:57:00.000+10:00

There once was a jolly fool
And everybody thought he was cool
Until one day God a plan unfurled

Unbeknownst to all and to many
The fool was spending every spare penny
Thus was the fool trapped by his own folly

One day as the fool spent his last
A window of opportunity fell fast
Movement he saw from one and from many

A friendly man saw him there
With his wallet completely bare
And tried to reason him out

He realized he was caught
And paniced and faught
Until all his energy was spent

Realizing the error his ways
The fool sat and cried for days
Finding out the full damage his spending spent

To late was the cry
That the fool heard on nie
But could now not do a thing

His heart broke as he saw his closest friends
Hurt by what he'd done, call an end
Until finally all alone he wept

God called out to the fool there
All alone and totally bare
And asked to keep him company

The fool did desparately consent
And tried his best to repent
Of his past sins before God and man

In his future, consequences he saw there
Knowing that he would just have to bear
Even though his sin was taken

The fool became a wiser man that day
Than any of his life or his way
And prays for healing and restoration

Although the fool's future is uncertain
He relies on God to see though the curtain
And stopped spending his treasure on nothing

Spritual Disciplines

2006-11-20T09:26:00.000+10:00

As most of you know, I had a bit of a talk on Sunday, and so as I promised a couple of people... here it is, posted in full:

Spiritual Disciplines
What can we do practically to prepare for heaven?

When we get saved, two processes occur.
o Justification happens instantly; think of it as a 'just as if I'd never sinned'. It is when Christ enters our heart for the first time and makes us new creations.
o The second thing that occurs is Sanctification an ongoing process where the Holy Spirit helps us to become more like Christ every day, going from glory to glory

Think of it as an 'already' and a 'not yet' e.g. I ALREADY belong in heaven, because Jesus saved me, but I'm NOT there YET, because God hasn't finished working in me.

These two processes need to be kept in balance with each other. Focusing only on justification leads to a lack of motivation, "If Jesus did it all for me then I don't have to do anything" while focusing only on sanctification can lead to the 'good works salvation' just like the Pharisees in the bible, Jesus quotes from Isaiah in Matthew 15:8 "These people show honour to me with words, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is worthless. The things they teach are nothing but human rules."

The word sanctification comes from the verb sanctify, which comes from the Greek word 'hagiazo' which means:
1. Set apart for sacred use, made holy and pure), consecrated.
2. Made holy, pure.
3. Sanctioned as with an oath or vow
4. To grant moral sanction to.
5. Made useful by holiness or spiritual blessing.

In the Bible, sanctification generally relates to a sovereign act of God whereby He "set's apart" a person, place or thing in order that His purposes can be accomplished. There are many occurrences of things being sanctified in the Old Testament.

o Exodus 29:43 "And there I will meet with the children of Israel, and the tabernacle shall be sanctified by My glory."
o Genesis: 2:3 "Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made."
o Hebrews 10:14 says, "For by one offering He (Talking about Jesus' death on the cross) has perfected forever those who are being sanctified."

How does sanctification occur?
Sanctification starts when we get saved. At the moment of conversion, the Holy Spirit enters our life. We are set free from sin and are able to do the good things that God has planned for us. Unlike people of places in the Bible, people still have the capacity to sin. Any new Christian will be able to tell you of the battle being waged in our mind between the old habits and the Spirit living inside us.

o Galatians 5:17: "For the flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish."
o In 1 John 3:2 it says "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."

It's talking about complete sanctification; however this won't occur in your earthly life. It is talking about after we die, or when Christ returns, when we receive new glorified / completely sanctified bodies.

How do we become sanctified?
The outward effects of sanctification are the fruits of the Spirit, listed in Galatians 5:22-23a "But the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." However, try as we might, we cannot sanctify ourselves, it's impossible to change ourselves by sheer power of will, you might escape some habits by doing so, but you'll always return to them sooner or later. The only way that we can be changed is through the Holy Spirit and His process of sanctification. However there are things that we can do to open the way for the sanctification process to occur. These things are the spiritual disciplines.

Discipline is almost a dirty word in our culture today; it always entails "stuff that we don't want to do". One definition that stood out to me was "any activity within our power that we engage in to enable us to do what we cannot do by direct effort." And it takes HARD WORK. Exercise is a great example. It's hard to do, especially when you're tired and all you want to do is sit in front of the TV and veg out for night, but the benefits are worth the pain. The Olympic athletes know about the worth of discipline, when they stand on that top tier holding their gold medal, they'll tell you the pain was worth it. And just as physical discipline has benefits so does spiritual discipline.

o Paul says to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:8 "Training your body helps you in some ways, but serving God helps you in every way by bringing you blessings in this life and in the future."
o And 1 Corinthians 9:26-27 "So I do not run without a goal. I fight like a boxer who is hitting something - not just air. I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others."
o Hebrews 12:9 says "We have all had fathers here on earth who disciplined us, and we respected them. So it is even more important that we accept discipline from the Father of our spirits so we will have life."

Richard Foster, in his book 'Celebration of Discipline' uses two metaphors to illustrate the purpose of disciplines: a field and a path.

A farmer is helpless to grow grain; all he can do is provide the right conditions for the growing of grain. He cultivates the ground, he plants the seed, he waters the plants, and then natural forces of the earth take over and up come the grain. This is the way it is with the Spiritual Disciplines. They are a way of sowing to the Spirit.

The spiritual disciplines are "a means of receiving God's grace, they allow us to place ourselves before God so he can transform us." He goes on to say that the spiritual disciplines are like a narrow ridge with a sheer drop-off on either side: there is the abyss of trust in works on one side and the abyss of faith without deeds on the other. On the ridge there is a path, the disciplines of the spiritual life. We must always remember that the path does not produce change; it only places us where the change can occur.

The task for us then is to cultivate our daily lives into fertile ground in which God can bring growth and change. This is what the spiritual disciplines are all about.

What are the spiritual disciplines?
" Celebration
o Philippians 4:4 "Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy."
o Another version says "Rejoice in the Lord". Part of being a Christian is celebrating the good things that God gives us.
" Confession
o James 5:16 "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you."
o This is a very important part of being a Christian. Confession and accountability can be hard at the best of times, no one likes to screw up and even less admits to it. The open confession of our sins to one another helps us to understand and help each other. It provides an avenue for the grace of God to come into our lives and set us free.

" Fasting
o There are many examples of fasting in the bible, probably the most famous one being Jesus' temptation in the desert where he fasted for 40 days and nights. Fasting can have many purposes. David fasted for his first son from Bathsheba so that he might live. Jesus said that some kinds of spirits would only come out through fasting.

" Guidance
o John 16:13 "But when the Spirit of Truth comes, He will lead you into all truth. He will not speak His own words, but He will speak only what He hears [from the Father], and He will tell you what is to come."
o We all need guidance at some point, and God should always be our guide. Every effort should be made to hear the voice of God. Under Him, are the people He places in our lives, mentors, accountability partners and disciples.

" Prayer
o Ephesians 6:18a "Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need."
o Philippians 4:6 "Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks."
o Without communication, any relationship will fail. And that is all that prayer is, open and honest communication with God. He is open to hear us at any time on any subject.

" Service
o 1 Corinthians 12:5 "There are different ways to serve, but the same Lord to serve"
o Matthew 23:11 "and you should not be called 'Master', because you have only one Master, the Christ."
o Jesus was the greatest servant of all. He served almost everyone that He came into contact with. True service is about humility, not doing it to get approval or acclaim, but simply serving for God.

" Simplicity or Self Denial
o Matthew 6:21 "Your heart will be where your treasure is."
o Philippians 4:12 "I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens, when I have more than I need and when I don not have enough."
o Living simply, doesn't mean giving away all your possessions, is simply means that your possessions are not your focus. You don't use them to draw attention to yourself

" Solitude
o Solitude or time alone with God is a big must for a proper relationship, just as time alone with your spouse or best friend can be very important to grow the relationship, so it is with God. We NEED to take some time out to spend simply alone with God.

" Study
o 2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All scripture is given by God and is useful for teaching, for showing people what is wrong in their lives, for correcting faults and for teaching how to live right. Using scriptures, the person who serves God will be capable, having all that is needed to do every good work."
o The only way to learn about something is to study it, and the same is true of God. What better resource than Him own auto-biography, the Bible, to study from?

" Submission
o Ephesians 5:21 "Yield to and obey one another because you respect Christ."
o Matthew 23:10 "and you should not be called 'Master', because you have only one Master, the Christ."
o Submission can be one of the hardest disciplines to master. Everyone likes to have things done their own way. A great example of submission was King David, a man after God's own heart, who even though Saul tried to kill him many times, kept serving his king in the best way he knew, right up until Saul's death. Even then David avenged Saul, saying "You are responsible for your own death, You confessed by saying, 'I have killed the Lord's appointed king.'" (2 Samuel 1:16)

" Worship
o Romans 12:1 "So brothers and sisters, since God has shown us great mercy, I beg you to offer your lives as a living sacrifice to Him. Your offering must be only for God as pleasing to Him, whish is the spiritual way for you to worship."
o Hebrews 13:15 "So through Jesus let us always offer to God our sacrifice of praise, coming from lips that speak His name."
o John 4:24 "God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth."
o Many Christians these days think that worship is a 1/2 an hour of singing praise songs while a band gets up on stage and plays...nothing could be further from the truth. Worship is simply giving to God what is His due. Every part of the Christian walk can be tied into worship in some way. So even to worship is a spiritual discipline, the spiritual disciplines are all part of worship. As we worship, God's presence becomes real to us.

Cheerio, D-Man

Egads! Not another survey!

2006-10-16T13:10:00.000+10:00

Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 20
Sign: Gemini? I think...not to sure, don't really go for star signs

The answers to all of lifes questions.

Random Qs

Life:
High School: Was heaps good
Primary School: Yeah, was ok, for a fringe kid I did aight
Favourite Soda: Creamy Soda
Favourite fruit: At the moment, it would have to be banana...I've had dreams, sooo good
Favourite weather: Warm, slightly winding, with storm clouds on the horizon...balisimo

Do You:
Like someone: As friends, I like everyone
Want more piercings: Nope
Want a tattoo: Nope

Last:
Person talked to in person?: Hmm...Justin, my boss
Person talked to/texted on the phone?: Widget on the phone
Person you hung out with: Everyone
Movie watched: The DaVinci Code (CRAP!!)
Last movie saw in theatre: Lady in the Water

Ever:
Ever cried over a girl or boy: Yeah
Ever had a friend die: Nope
Ever dated: Never
Ever finished a puzzle: Um...no? Duh! Everyone's finished at least 1 puzzle in their life
Ever had surgery: Do stiches count?
Ever hated someone: Not really...hate is such a strong word

Pick one:
Blue or red?: Blue
Spring or Fall?: Autumn

Random stuff:
Do you speak a different language?: A little bit of french..not enough to be coherent..I mainly specialize in accents and voices
How old do you act?: 20 maybe? 17 at the least
Braces: Nope
Do you have any pets?: Fish, cats...that's about it
Mood?: Bored

The 400000000000000000 W's Questions:
Who is in the room with you?: My work mates
Who is the girl/guy you like?: I'll let God decide that one
Who was the last girl/guy you told I love you?: Definately mum, she's awesome
Who gets on your nerves the most from school?: Well, since I'm not actually at school anymore, I guess that lets me off the hook for that one
What was the last thing you ate?: Timtam
What was the last thing you drank?: Orange juice
What colour pants are you wearing?: Slightly faded black jeans
What is the closest item near you that is blue?: Mizone bottle
What are you wearing on your feet?: Runners
What instant messaging service do you use? MSN.
What do you wear more, jeans or shorts?: Jeans
What do you currently hate? Old habits and lethargy
When is your birthday? June 13
Where is your cell phone?: On the desk in front of me
Where do you sleep? In my room, usually
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Birthday present from Grandma
Where did you take you last take a car ride to? Home

--------------

L0VE SURVEY

You must answer every question... with the TRUTH!

1). Is there someone who you like at the moment?
Nope

2). Have you ever given or been given roses?
Wanted to

3). What is your all time favorite romance movie?
At the moment? Probably The Notebook or Romeo and Juliet

4). How many times can you honestly say you've been in love?
Depends on your definition of love doesn't it...

5). Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
Definately

6). Do you think that you should become friends with someone first?
Hell yeah

7). Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yep

8). What do you think about long-distance relationships?
I think that unless the couple are really commited, long distance relationships don't work and even then not for very long

9). Your thoughts on online relationships?
Crap

10). Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
Well, I don't date, but if I did, I'd be easy, except atm probably older because younger would make then 15....wrong much?

11). Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
Sometimes

12). Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater?"
Nope

13). How many kids do you want to have?
Probably at least 3

14). Do you usually fall for a wrong boy/girl or the right boy/girl?
Well the chances of falling for the right one is about 1 in a couple hundred of million so, I guess I keep falling for the wrong one until God reveals the right one aye.

15). What is your favorite colour(s)?
Depends on my mood

16). What are your views on gay marriage?
Eww

17)Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I hope not, but probably

18). Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you re-marry?
Probably not

19). At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
Probably around 10 or so...

20)what song do you want to hear at your wedding?
Haven't decided yet...everytime I think of marriage it seems further and further off...so I've stopped thinking about it in the hopes that it'll come quicker ;)

-------------------

BEDROOM SURVEY
NO LYING!!
Do you have the following in your room:

[ ] desk
[ ] condoms
[x] lamps
[x] cell phone
[x] stool
[ ] book shelf
[x] dresser
[x] computer / laptop
[ ] bean bag
[x] pictures
[ ] mirror
[x] skateboard
[x] bed
[x] clothes on the floor
[ ] plastic flamingo
[ ] surfboard
[ ] lava lamp
[ ] smoke detector
[ ] piano/keyboard
[ ] locking door
[ ] can of soda
[ ] bottle of water/gatorade
[ ] a blacklight
[ ] medals/ribbons
[ ] trophies
[x] awards
[ ] water polo ball
[ ] soccer ball
[ ] volleyball
[ ] basketball
[x] softball stuff
[ ] track gear
[ ] frisbee
[ ] beach ball
[ ] football
[x] tennis ball
[ ] hockey stuff
[ ] gymnastics stuff
[ ] dance stuff
[ ] horseback riding stuff
[x] swim stuff
[x] cd's
[ ] Digital Camera
[ ] sofa/futon/round chair
[ ] bottles of liquor
[ ] flag
[ ] stop sign/any sign
[ ] caution tape
[ ] paintball gun
[x] airsoft gun
[ ] real Gun
[ ] cigarettes
[ ] candle(s)
[x] books
[ ] nintendo
[ ] playstation
[ ] playstation 2
[ ] game Cube
[ ] xbox
[ ] bike
[x] stereo
[ ] lighter
[ ] visine
[ ] your Mum
[ ] gum

How many windows do u have in ur room..
2

What is the color of your walls?
White / cream

hardwood floor, tile, or carpet?
Carpet

Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom?
Both

Is your room big?
I've had bigger

-----------------------------

A N S W E R - T R U T H F U L L Y

1. Do you like anyone?: Nope
2. Do they know it? I don't know, why don't you ask them?
3. Simple or complicated? Simple for me

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U

4. Had sex: Not married yet
5. Bought something: Yep
7. Been hugged?: Nope
8. Felt stupid?: When do I not
9. Talked to an ex: Don't have any
10. Missed someone: Yep
11. Failed a test: Nope
13. Danced: Nope
14. Gotten your hair cut?: Nope
15. Lied: Probably, I can't remember

U N I Q U E

16. Nervous habits?: Chewing my lip
17. Are you double jointed?: Pinky fingers
18. Can you roll your tongue?: Who can't?
19. Can you raise one eyebrow?: Yep
20. Can you cross your eyes?: Yep
21. Do you make your bed daily?: Really should start doing that again
22. Do you think you are unique?: Everyone's unique

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R'S

23. Said "I Love you": Yes
24. Given money to a homeless person: Nope
25. Smoked?: Nope
26. Waited all night for a phone call?: Nope
27. Snuck out?: Yep
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: Yep

M A N N E R S

29. Do you swear/curse?: Nope
30. Do you ever spit?: Depends on wether I have been doing strenuous excersize or not...for the most part, no.
31. You cook your own food?: Cooking is the shiznit
32. You do your own chores?: Most of them
33. You like beef jerky?: Never had it
35. You're happy with your life?: Sometimes
36. You own a dog?: I hate dogs with a passion
37. You spend your money wisely?: Once upon a time...
38. Do you like to swim?: Can't swim to well, not enough fat to keep me up
39. When you get bored do you call a friend: Sometimes

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S

41. Flowers or angels?: Flowers
42. Gray or black?: Black
43. Color or black and white photos?: Color usually
44. Lust or love?: What kind of a question is that? Love of course
45. Sunrise or sunset?: Haven't really seen to many good sunsets and haven't really seen to many sunrises, but they've all been fabulous
46. M&Ms or Skittles? Skittles all the way baby...it actually depends on wether I'm in the mood for chocolate or fruit
48. Staying up late or waking up early?: Both...erg
49. Being hot or cold?: Cold...it's easier to warm up than cool down
50. Winter or Fall?: Autumn
51. Left or right?: Left
52. Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?: Depends on the mood
53. Sunshine or rain?: Rain, as long as it's not too cold

MORE HAVE YOU EVERS....

Sleep in a bed of the opposite sex?: Nope
Hooked up in the woods?: Nope
Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?: Nope
Hooked up in the shower?: Nope
Been Dumped?: Nope
Stolen money from a friend? Nope
Slept naked?: Nope
Been in a fist fight?: So young and naive
Snuck out of your house?: Yep
Had a crush on a teacher?: Er...no
Seen someone die?: Only on video...kinda disturbing
Been on an airplane? So boring!
Slept all day?: Haha, yes..woke up and thought to myself, gee what a waste of a day
Missed someone so much it hurt?: Yep
Fallen asleep during school? Once or twice
Been lonely?: Who hasn't
Cheated in a game?: Cheated in PC games...and card games, not seriously though
Been to the ER?: Nope
Been in a car accident?: Nope
Had detention?: Nope
Missed your first love?: Well, if I have a first love it would be safe to surmise that I'd miss her aye?
Cried yourself to sleep?: Not to sleep, but just before sleep
Sung in the shower?: All the time
Kissed a complete stranger?: Er...no
Laughed so hard you cried?: A little
Cheated on a bf/gf?: That's just evil
Regretted hurting someone?: I'd be a tool not to
Regretted loving someone?: Yes
Been SUPER happy?: Once or twice

-------

Best and worst

Best, Worst, Last, Today, Tomorrow, Favorite, Currently, and True or False.

Best
1. Male friend: Widget

2. Female friend: Probably Erica

3. Vacation: Queensland...as much as I hate the weather, got some really good memories up there.

Favorites
1. Time of day: Around 6ish

2. Day of the Week: Saturday or Sunday

3. Food: Any type mexican first and foremost, followed closely by italian...nothing beat those two!

4. Memory: Banging my head on the corner of a wooden chair at creche when I was about 2

Last
1. Person you saw (not related): Justin

2. Talked to on the phone: Widget
3. Text: Hmmm...haven't had credit for about 3 months...probably Matty

4. IMed: Matty

5. Messaged over MySpace: Erica

Today

1. What are you doing now: Typing this, silly

2. What are you wearing?: Black jeans and navy t-shirt...

3. Better than yesterday?: Definately not

Tomorrow

1. Is: Tuesday

2. Got any plans: Get through the day, go to young adults
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: Work

Favorite

1. Number: 7

2. Song for the moment: At the moment? Probably Guy Sebastian's new single Taller, Stronger, Better...so damn awesome

3. Color: Black

4. Season: Autumn

Currently

1. Missing someone: Nope

2. Mood: Bored / Confused

3. Wanting: Food...mmmm...food...

True or False:

I am a cuddler.
Very true, you just haven't seen it because I'm not married

I am a morning person.
True

I am a perfectionist.
True

I am an only child.
False

I am currently in pyjamas.
False

I am currently single.
True, and waiting for the perfect one

I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
False

I am online 24/7.
False, more like 9/6

I can be paranoid at times.
True...

I currently regret something that I have done
False, I find it better to get on with life and not regret things. Everyone has mistakes, it's better to learn from them than dwell on them.

When I get mad, I curse frequently
False

I enjoy country music.
Depends on my mood

I love smoothies.
True, but only good ones

I enjoy talking on the phone.
Depends on whether or not I phoned or they phoned. If they phoned then yes, love talking, if I phoned then I absolutely hate it

I have a crush.
Nope, over crushes

I have a hard time paying attention at school.
Depended on the lecturer, but I think I did alright

I have a hidden talent.
Probably, how would I know until it reveals itself, and when it does that, it won't be hidden anymore will it?

I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
Who doesn't

I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" girl/guy.
Since there is only 1 right person in the entire world, I think chances are good that I'll fall for the wrong one...

I have all my grandparents.
True

I have at least one brother/sister.
True

I have been told that I have a sense of humor.
True

I have broken a bone.
False

I have changed a diaper.
False

I have changed a lot over the past year
True

I have done something illegal.
True, nothing serious though

I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
False

I have had major/minor surgery
False

I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months.
False

I have had the cops called on me.
False

----------

YOU OPENED IT. YOU DO IT. How well do you know the 1st person on your Top 8?

1. First name?
Widget

2. Age:
22

3. boy or girl?
Guy

4.how long youve known this person?
2 years

5. Are you related to them?
We're brothers

6. Have you ever slept in the same bed as this person??
Nope

7. How often do you see this person?
Most of the time

8. When was the last time you talked to them?
Just before via email

9. Are you two best friends?
Yep

10. How did you meet this person?
Church

11. When are you going to see them?
Wednesday probably

12. Whats their favorite band?
He likes many bands...some of the cd's in his case are Crowded House, Live, Fuel, 3 Doors Down, Third Day, United, etc.

13. Whats your favorite memory of this person?
Hmm...that's a toughy, probably the very first drive I ever had with him is pretty good.

14. Does this person have a crush on anyone?
Don't think so

15. Is this person single or taken?
Single

17. Is this person important to you?
Pretty important

------------
and now, for you to answer;

FILL IN THE QUESTIONS:

1.Your Full Name:
---> Damian Gordon Gray

2. Age & Birthday:
---> 20, 13 June

3. Favorite Color?
---> Black

4. Favorite Movie:
---> Gladiator, all time favorite

5. Favorite Song:
---> To many for you to comprehend

6. Favorite Band:
---> See above...

7. Most Embarassing Moment:
---> Erg...too many to pick one in particular

8. Are you a virgin?
---> Yes and proud of it

Yet another random survey

2006-10-12T23:36:00.000+10:00

EVERYONE HAS THEIR FIRSTS:

FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND: Matthew Weightman

FIRST SCHOOL: Black Hill Primary

FIRST CELL PHONE: Motorola 'Coke' phone, awww yeah, so hardcore

FIRST FUNERAL: Yolander Choong

FIRST PET: Don Garto (Sir Cat...even though it was a girl...go figure...)

FIRST BIG TRIP: NSW on holiday with family in 1991

FIRST FIGHT: Probably at school...how do we do these things?

FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: Err.....yes.....

FIRST TIME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?: N/A

FIRST JOB: PBSA

FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND: Tom....first REAL friend...probably Jess

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS:

LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: Probably LeeAnne a couple of months ago...

LAST CAR RIDE: Couple of minutes ago, from Phil's place

LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Watching the Patriot, yeah yeah I know, I know...the scene where the little girl runs to her dad

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Star Wars II

LAST FOOD YOU ATE: Mini Mars Bar

LAST ITEM BOUGHT: Bottle of fizzy

LAST SHIRT WORN: Standing Tall

LAST PHONE CALL: Phil, just before youth

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: Widget

LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: The PC mouse

LAST FUNERAL: My Uncle Leonard

LAST TIME AT THE MALL: Today

LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR SOMETHING: Today with good reason, youth was awesome

LAST PERSON YOU SAW: Nic

LAST THING YOU DRANK: Bottle of fizzy

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY? Hmm...it comes and goes, last time I was consistently happy for more than a month was probably first year of Uni, 2003, those were the days...

Worship

2006-10-03T12:48:00.000+10:00

Yes I know it's plain text...I'll fix it up when I get time...

Well after many hours of debating on what to write my next blog, and there are many, many topics that I could choose from, as a crapload of stuff has been happening, I've finally decided to write at least something, and see where it goes...

I've been reading a book called the A Heart For Worship (one of my mum's old books), I can't remember the author's name...it is really good, so far it's confirmed most of what I know about worship in only the first 10 pages. I'm really starting to wonder are we really getting it? What is worship? The most common definition is giving to God honor, exultation, adoration, praise, giving Him His due worth. So many times we focus more on ourselves than on God I wonder do we really worship at all, or do we get so caught up with going through the motions that we fool ourselves into thinking we are worshipping when in reality we are not...

This Sunday for me was a great example. Sunday morning service, I had no ride to church, so I had to make some quick decisions and ended up getting there almost half an hour late for practice. Needless to say I was way stressed and frustrated. Not the best atmosphere to be getting into worship and if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have been able too, even so it was quite difficult and I don't really think I was able to let go and fully worship God until about halfway through.

That night was not much better, it was a youth service, so there's always a bit more tension for me, being in charge, but only one singer turned up, and she was stressing pretty hardcore about not being able to sing. That right there is an indication that we focus on the wrong things... do we trust our voice? Th strength of our arm? Or do we trust God? I know which one's more reliable and it certainly isn't my voice. Stress is infectious and I was starting to get a bit stressed also, when God gave me a revelation on worship...which is what this is all about. What is worship? Giving to God His due worth. Another definition is focusing on the worthiness of the One, not focusing the worthiness of the one. We already know we aren't worthy, thinking about it is distracting and not beneficial to a worship atmosphere. Worship is all about God!

Another thing is that we can get so caught up in hype...by which I mean that we focus so much on making sure that the worship has pizazz, energy, flare, that it simply becomes a performance. I don't have anything against moshing for example, but when we HAVE to do it otherwise worship is crap, I have to wonder why? Why does everything have to be BIG all the time? Doesn't God take pleasure in the little things as well? And for that matter, how can ANY worship be crap, isn't it ALL glorifying to God? In Ezekiel, it says there is a time for noise AND a time for silence. While Elijah the prophet waited for God, an earthquake, a loud wind, a myriad of other BIG things passed by, but God wasn't in them, He was in the stillness, the quiet, the silence that followed.

I'm not saying that God isn't in the big things, but there HAS to be a balance. We can't assume to confine God to a box and say well this is just how we do it...the Pharisee's did that and God lamented, saying They worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me...another thing is that worship has nothing to do with music...shocked? Worship has absolutely nothing to do with music. It's true that the church as a general whole has placed this label on it...not all churches, people like Matt Redman who had a revelation and basically canned music in his church until people started finding other avenues of worship, but most churches...and it is also true that worship in the bible is associated with music, ie. praise Him with trumpets and clashing cymbols, David was a musician, etc., etc., but music has to do with worship, not the other way around. If the music is taking over, then it's time to scrap it, seriously folks. I can say this, because I am a musician, and have been for the last 10 years or so, so I'm well aware of the momentousness of my statement, I'm well aware of the consequences...

One last thing... worship leading. The name is a misnomer and attracts the wrong type of people. It's not leading worship at all, in fact nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing that makes worship leading anything near leading is the fact that the people on stage and the congregation with follow you, in OR out of God's presence. Remember that..in OR out...A worship leader should be simply put, a lead worshipper. And they have the awesome responsibility of being more receptive to God's leading than anyone else. Humility is key here, a lead worshipper NEEDS to have a servant heart with no thoughts of leading at all, are we here to make worship as we want it? Or make it pleasing to God? Are we here to lead worship or let God lead us? If we would lead worship, it MUST not be for leading sake. Sorry cholerics, you can't control worship.

Well, anyway, I could go on for another half an hour, haha, I love the topic of worship, but yeah, I pray that you would glean something from my fumblings in the dark, and come to a deeper understanding of God and what it means to truly worship...

GB, D-Man

Camp '06

2006-09-23T01:26:00.000+10:00

Well....got back from camp today. I can't really explain it well, but I will do my best and put as much detail as I can recall without making it tedious., I will apologize in advance for mistakes or unfinished thoughts, as it is almost 1 o'clock AM as of this writing..

It started on Tuesday, I packed that morning...yeah, for me it's easier to pack right before I leave. .. .anyway ... we got to the church at around 9:30 and were on our way to camp. It is difficult to explain what exactly I felt on leaving. To be quite honest I was worried that this camp would spoil my memories of Sunnystones, and so when we got there I was filled with anticipation but also an unease, I don't know what I was expecting to feel when I got there but it was good to be there. As Aragon's heart was left in Rivendel, so mine is at Sunnystones Camp, I don't know whether or not it will always remain there, but for the last 4 years it has been. It is hard to compare any two camp experiences because they are all different from each other. Each year brings with it it's own joys and heartaches to be felt and remembered.

After setting up our things and having lunch and all of that jazz and meeting our speaker Andrew Cox, we played the survival game. Me and Widget were the only diseases this time, but it was just as much fun this time as the last. I made sure that I had plenty of water this time as last time was pretty crazy looking back, anyway I had a helluva lot of energy comparatively.

This year we had less people and a lot of them were new, so the atmosphere of the entire camp was very different from that of last year. I also was a lot more involved in the leadership side of things this year, so my experience was vastly different than any previous years. One thing I noticed straight away is all the intricacies of the different social circles popping up. It always interests me how people change around camp. It's not really so much that they change as much as they can't keep masking their true selves around you 24 - 7.

Some of the changes were very disappointing, I lost quite a lot of respect for some people, but I also gained a lot of respect for others, so a balance is kept. I also often wonder how people view me and how I must change, although I hope that I keep myself real at least 90% of the time.

One thing I did miss from last year is the worship that we had. We brought in the instruments and the youth band played before each session. It was quite hectic and probably more trouble than it was worth in the long run, but it really added a dynamic that I missed very much this time around.

The obligatory volleyball games and all the old in jokes started coming out very quickly. By the third day everyone was a little tired and a lot of different things were happening in plain view for people who observe. I see a lot of things that others miss, and miss a lot of things that others see, but I definitely saw a lot this camp. The nature walk was AWESOME! Not quite as good as last years, and definitely more tiring (man that hill!!) but definitely worth the time. There's actually a story behind the walk for me. I wasn't originally going to be able to go on it because of numbers or some such thing. And I'd really being hanging for it since last year, so much so that I was quite put out when I was told that I wasn't coming. I had to come to the point of letting it go completely and saying to myself that it wouldn't ruin my camp experience. Anyway, the night before I prayed that if God wanted me walking, then He would make a way for me to come, and the next day circumstances that I didn't even know about simply clicked into place and allowed me to come. Needless to say I didn't really put 2 and 2 together straight away...I was actually pretty bummed because I'd wired myself for the extra-walk activities around the camp, so I had to check myself on that and simply thank God for His blessing. Anyway, the walk was absolutely fabulous! Simply beautiful as only a bush walk with your friends can be. Hopefully I'll have a bunch of photos to put up soon ; ) We got back and we were incredibly tired but I at least was pretty exhilarated. The final day of camp was filled with various physical activities...such as soccer, painting and fishing....for some stupid reason I picked soccer without thinking of how smashed I'd be by then and needless to say I was pretty tired afterward, although I had lots of fun.

A lot of crap things happened that night and I pretty much snapped for the first time in a long long time. I'm not proud of it, but it happened, however a lot of good things happened also. The concert was fun, with various skits from the sound of music (you girls roxor the the h-core max x 10 + 1!! to take a saying from last camp) and the blender of doom!!! Damn you guys are so awesome!!

Physically this camp was pretty exhausting, although I think my body might be able to adjust a bit easier to lack of sleep, because I am able to stay up until 1:30 am writing this blog. The activities were all very strenuous and I had about 15 hours sleep over 4 days so I was pretty wrecked by pack up time...Mentally I was pretty focused most of the time, although stress played a big part this year because of my responsibilities and various other things...Spiritually, although the speaker was good and I got quite a lot out of it, I think I actually got a lot more out of personal revelations that God graned to me over the course of the camp than the sessions and group times.

Special thanks go to Mary Morrison, our cook, without whom, the quality of food wouldn't have been half as good as it was! You slaved over the kitchen for for days solid and you were absolutely AWESOME!!! Also the duty groups, it may not seem much to prepare tables for meals and clean up afterward, but it really IS a big deal and you guys were amazing! Other people include but not limited to, Erica, Widget, Phil, you guys are always awesome and without you the camp would not have been anything spectacular!

As a wrap up, despite a hell of a lot of things going wrong on this camp or things not being as they should, and the fact that I actually enjoyed last year a lot more, on leaving I still feel a sense of loss that goes words. On a lighter note though, I got my stitches out today!! Wootage!! Although now my eye looks even more MANK than it did before. Alrighty guys, I think I should get some sleep so I guess I'll see you all soon, I pray that you as much out of camp as I did and that God continues to bless you.

Cheerio, D-Man

Perfect moments

2006-09-08T10:18:00.000+10:00

Hey there folks, yes an exciting new blog by the D-Man! Wootage! Well first and foremost, if you don't already know, Phil and LeeAnne have had a baby on Tuesday at 8:47 AM!!! Her name is Elise Jasmine Tong, and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! LeeAnne is doing fine although still sore. I have never ever seen a baby so close to birth before, but I tell you, it's an experience that will last a lifetime. As I watched her sleep in the incubator with a band over her eyes to stop the UV light, I'm thinking it doesn't get much better than this. I could have just watched her for hours. If there is such a thing as a truly perfect moment outside of heaven, I think this was it. In fact that single moment has brightened my entire week, I'm so happy for them, it's absolutely awesome!

In other news,my brother and his wife are back down in Ballarat for some more bad news, which I won't get into here, but it has been good to catch up. We saw the Lady in the Water last night at the movies...for a premier, there was only about 15 people in the entire cinema! Was kind of odd, I really enjoyed it though..very different for a Night Shyamalan movie but still excellent. I got home and I felt really sick, which brings me here, I'm at home feeling like crap at the moment, but hey, God is good and last night surely eclipses today...

Cheerio, D-Man

The weekend and the weeks

2006-09-05T10:59:00.000+10:00

Well, I've been racking my brains trying to think of something for my next blog entry, but nothing of substance has been coming, and so it has been a bit neglected. Much has been happening, but I simply haven't been able to find the words for it all. I've been doing a lot better in the last couple of weeks than I have in the last year so it's been really good, although I still fail, at least I can recognize it for myself, which is where I want to be. I pray that God continues to work out these massive flaws in my life, either by rain or sunshine, it doesn't really phase me as long as I am where God wants me to be. I've been relying on God's grace very heavily, at some points I've even felt like giving up altogether, despite knowing that doing so would only bring more pain in the long run.

I've been working overtime heaps for the last fortnight, to reach a deadline on time, it has been incredibly tiring, yet somehow satisfying, and it feels weird to go back to normal hours now, but it's still good to have my life back, lol...

LeeAnne's birthday was on Wednesday, which really kind of sucked...now now now, don't get me wrong, her birthday is awesome, but the day wasn't. Everyone had been leading her on that there was nothing special happening, someone even went so far as to give her a meat pie with a candle in it, while I can see the humor in that, it wasn't very tasteful. However the next day we all got together for a surprise party, I made sure that she got a proper cake or pavlova at least, haha it was very definitely worth it...

After I got home though, someone threw eggs at my window, I have no idea who or why but it wasn't very nice and it kinda freaked me out a bit to be honest, I've come to the conclusion that it was just some random looking for a laugh, why the heck he picked my window though...

We had Youth Alive on the weekend, I wasn't actually looking forward to it that much and even on the bus on the way up, I wasn't fussed about it. Haha, yeah, we had a bus...56 seater, it was awesome. We got there at about 1:00 PM and spent the day outside until 6:00 PM when the arena opened. It was ok, there were a few good bands, but the most part was spent aimlessly walking around, watching people be different than usual in their circle of friends and becoming dehydrated and hungry because of the lack of food stalls around the place. Once we actually got inside it was a different story though, it was all happening. I was originally going to swap back and forth between floor and seat, because I really didn't feel up to jumping for 2 or more hours but once I was on the floor it was all good, although tiring as hell. Haha, I also meant to try and save my voice because I had a youth service the next day but after about 1/2 hour I gave up and just really got into it. Reggie Dabbs is an excellent speaker, and spoke in his usual style. The bus ride home was a little funky for me, I was is a bit of a strange mood and I didn't really have any energy left. We stopped in at Macca's and I made the mistake of buying and sculling two bottles of V...erg...woke up on Sunday morning with the biggest headache.

This Sunday was Father's Day, so happy father's day to you all! Phil & LeeAnne graciously invited me over for the day, haha it was very non eventful and GOOD! I slept and played xBox with the kids... There was a youth service that night which went really well. God is just so damn awesome! I was leading, very tensely I might add, but God had control and it really was awesome. I had absolutely no voice left afterward, I could barely sing at all the whole day, but yeah, it was still good. Nathan Bailey spoke that night, and he really had an awesome message. A lot of things a lot of really needed to hear, methinks.

I've made decisions in my life that I believe will be beneficial to my spiritual life, and so far I can really see the difference it has made, I just wish I had come to this way of thinking before, so I didn't have to go through everything that I have, but hey, so do all who go through such things. God has an awesome future for me, but I'm not even focusing on it anymore, it's better to focus on the here and now, to do God's will for me TODAY and let Him figure out tomorrow. Things have become a bit complicated in the last couple of days, not from me but for me, I guess I just have to figure out how to handle old situations with new thinking. Thank you, God for everything You have done and continue to do in my life, thank You for Your love, support and encouragement through everything...

Mercy Me
Here With Me

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To know you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Cheerio, D-Man

What? Another blog entry!?

2006-08-23T00:27:00.000+10:00

Wow...better wipe the dust off mah keyboard, I obviously haven't used it for ages...but I digress (how cool is that word??)... So yeah, the point of this blog..."tune in next week to hear D-Man say 'So the point of this blog is...' next time on Days of Our Blog" *weird organ music*...ok... so life is kind of busy lately, haven't had a lot of sleep, and even less time to myself. Work has been flat out, because they want me to work as much overtime as I can possibly manage to meet some project deadline... kinda sucks, but hey, more money I guess. And I've gotten to use Visual Studio 2005 which is rather cool...yeah yeah, I'm a geek sometimes...GET OVER IT!!! I like what I like and don't like what I don't like, because if I did like it, I wouldn't not like it anymore, and then I wouldn't know what I liked. See, confusing, I know, so don't even go there....

God's been revealing much to me over these last few weeks, on different things in my life...a lot of big issues have been raising their heads, saying ooh deal with me and I'm just like GAH!! but it has done sometime. I have a real issue with trust, although I'm not quite sure why I would, it's not like I have some big bad secret from my past that would cause me to not trust ever again or anything like that...

We did our motivational giftings last Friday with Ps. Liz, it was awesome, I've been hanging out for about 3 months do do them because I honestly can't recall what I got last time I did them. When I was younger, I can recall having the administrator gifting as my highest, but those days are long gone methinks. Anyways, this time I got: 1. Server, 2. Compassion, 3. Teacher... So yeah, I was rather happy, because those three things are kinda cool...although I wouldn't mind being the others sometimes...especially perceiver but usually I'm pretty happy with what I have...the next meeting we'll be doing personality types, eg. choleric, melancholy, etc. I'm about %95 sure I'm a melancholic / phlegmatic, but hey surprise me.

Another thing that God has been revealing to me is the issue of manipulation. When I was younger...much younger...I used to have this thing where I would scab food off people, yeah I know, I know, kinda a bit odd...anyway I got to this point and I'm not exactly sure what kick started it but I basically made the decision where I would never put myself in a place where people could say that I made them do something, never blame me for manipulating them. I got very independent...in my mind at least...and all was well...it's only lately that I've come to see that this is a really big problem. I absolutely HATE confrontation because it makes me have to stand up for myself and possibly change someone's mind or get them to 'do what I want'...every time it happens my mind starts screaming at me. I have a hard time accepting help or compliments from people, because I don't want them to feel pressured into something that they don't have to do, etc., etc., etc., the list goes on. It's really drained any potential I have for leadership because I have always refused to take authority. But yeah, God is working on me so it's all good.

We've been going through evangelism in young adults. I've never been big on it myself, much the opposite in fact, because I've never really been much of a people person, but it's pretty good, we've been watching a seminar by a Julian someone from New Zealand talking on the six steps to church growth. His definition of evangelism is that it is proclaiming the gospel, not basing it on results, because that is bringing the most glory to God, and that's what evangelism is. He was saying that the two main purposes of the church are worship and evangelism, and both don't work without the other...all other minor purposes revolve around those two...and yeah, it's just been really good, haha, I can't wait for the opportunity to start doing it... Speaking of young adults, Renae and Anthony are the best! You guys rock my socks, you are a real inspiration and I thank God for the opportunity to grow together and get to know you guys more...

Well, that about wraps this blog entry up I suppose...

GB
Cheerio, D-Man

The veil is torn away

2006-08-10T23:30:00.000+10:00

Well, the veil is torn away. I'm see a bit more of a bigger picture to do with dreams and desires. It's all started clicking as it were...the thing is...we are people of desire, in fact some people go so far as to say that we ARE desire, I dunno about that but I do know that you show me a man without a single desire and I'll show you an empty shell. A man's (human race inclusive) strength come's from his desires, without them he is not a man at all, he's pretty much an animal.

ANYWAY...before we ask Christ into our lives, we are evil... 'for the heart of man is in enmity towards God / eternally wicked' depending on what translation you read, we still have dreams and desires but they are small, selfish, meaningless desires. When we come to Christ we receive the heart of Christ.. 'therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation' ...'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you' ... 'I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh' etc. etc. etc. there are a thousand and one verses I could list off to get my point across.

There's a verse in the bible that says something like 'stay focused on God and He will give you the desires of your heart'..this has always caught me, in fact I've been in about the same rut for the last year or so of thinking, yeah, my desires ARE good even when they weren't necessarily. I've been wondering why my desires seems to be more of a hindrance to me when I thought it was supposed to be all scriptural and stuff and it suddenly hit me (with help from various sources indirectly) 'the old man is crucified with Christ' ... 'that old has passed away all things have become new' ... God doesn't give us OUR crappy desires, fact 1: If we don't get it from God, it's not going tobe beneficial for us anyway, fact 2: God's plan for our lives is much greater than we can possibly imagine. When we get saved God is already thinking of the bigger picture, that is why He tells us to sacrifice our desires...look at Abraham for the most famous example of that...We are called to focus on God and He will give us the desires of our heart..what heart do we now have? The heart of Christ.

I propose that God gives us His desires, and it is THOSE that we are called to hang on to..our own desires end up taking us astray and into not very nice places, as I've had to learn the hard way. The trick is killing OUR desires to make way for God's perfect plan for us...being empty vessels for God to use as He wills. This is a pretty touch call, even harder to follow through than to have revelation over. Barlow Girl put it awesomely in their song Surrender, 'Surrender you whisper softly to me, but my dreams are me, will I dream again?' I did have more on this topic this morning when I was thinking about it, but time it seems has displaced my memory and so I shall finish there...hopefully someone got something out of this, I know I did...

In other news, I've been coming back to the whole selfish thing, it seems I have a lot more to deal with than on first thought and I'm only having little success, but never fear...God will get me there, haha yer, if you think I'm being selfish, don't be afraid to pull me up on it..it'll be a good exercise in humility which I can never get enough of, anyway I'll leave you with a song that's been speaking to me recently. It's by a damn awesome band called Red off their debut album 'End of Silence'

Pieces
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from You
A broken mess
Just scattered pieces of who I am

I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole

I've come undone
But You make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand

When I see Your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole

I tried so hard
So hard
I tried so hard
So hard

Then I see your face
I know I'm finally Yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to You in pieces
So You can make me whole
You can make me whole

Until next time, Cheerio
D-Man

Mistakes

2006-08-04T09:36:00.000+10:00

I make them. Despite popular belief (and I don't even know how it got popular...) I am not a totally awesome guy. I am only human...just you're average Joe... and I MAKE MISTAKES! I could say I can't help it, it's just how I am, but I know better. I have a LOT of issues and a LOT of wounds in my life, and I am far from perfect. I can only say that I try to do the best I can and that God is working on me. But you know, all masterpieces take time. The roof on the Sistine Chapel took 4 years of solid work to complete and how much more complex is the heart of a man than an empty canvas? This is not a cop out. I hate making excuses and every time I catch myself out I wince. It's like not taking responsibility for your own actions...(like, duh)...Even admitting that I was wrong, is not enough. It can never be enough. The trust is broken and there's no going back. The best I can do it focus on God and pray that He will work through the situation. Every time I make a mistake, it's immediate condemnation from myself. I don't know why...I really need to look past it and keep focusing on God, but it doesn't usually happen like that. I can see the hypocrite in me, and I hate it, don't worry about that. I really wish I was that awesome guy that everyone raves about, I really do, but I know the truth. I am not there yet, nowhere near in fact.

On the flip side of this coin is God's grace and mercy. How ...awesome...amazing...beyond words is it that His grace covers all things. That no matter how many mistakes we make, He will always be there for us to run to. It really blows my mind...can you feel it? God didn't just know from the beginning that we would screw up. He has always known...for God there IS no beginning. There has never been a time in the history of God that He didn't know that you and I would screw up. His love has ALWAYS been there for us. He knew that things would turn out this way, just as He knows the bigger picture. We will NOT always be this way. Often time's I've noticed that He will turn a bad situation into a really good one. I'm not quite sure why He would do this, but He knows best. Even so, we still have to deal with our mistakes and the consequences thereof. Usually these come in the form of wounds we receive that cause us to lash out at people or not trust people or make us become incredibly selfish. we build walls around our hearts to protect us from the evil outside, this very act of self-preservation is one that causes us to hide away from the One TRUE Healer. I guess this is why Jesus says that those who would truly live must die to themselves. To give up that part of themselves that always looks to hide from pain.

Well, I'm going to leave that there. I could go on I guess, but I've run out of words at the moment, and yes I know it is very unfinished, but ah well. Until next time, my faithful blog readers.

Cheerio D-Man

Moments of Clarity

2006-07-31T23:48:00.000+10:00

There are times in a man's life when he is brought to the lowest of lows. Theses times are really shaping of a mans character and strength. They can either bring out the best features of a man or make him collapse. In either case, the man will grow. I have been reading Problems of Pain by C.S. Lewis and although I have known a fair portion of it already, a lot of revelation has come from it. Sometimes his style of writing can be incredibly hard to understand, especially in bed waiting for sleep to come, but it is very enjoyable for the most part.

The problem with pain is this. If God loves us, then why is there so much pain and suffering. This is a complex question and one that many people ask in their lifetime. The answer lies in free will. It seems so simple but this is barely the cap of the iceberg. I really don't have time to get into it here, but I recommend that you read the book sometime. One part that stuck out to me in particular is the fact that if God is good, and fallen man is in such a state that we love things that are not necessarily from God, then our way of thinking isn't right. At this point you are probably thinking...duh...but...this raises that all important question of what God really wants. If we desire things that will us happy, then what's wrong with that? If God loves us then doesn't he want us to be happy? If God is all knowing then He must know what will truly make us happy and therefore what we want isn't necessarily going to make us happy. Haha, I'm not really bringing much clarity to this subject at the moment so I'm just drop it, but yeah, excellent book.

If I've been going through a lot over the last couple of months, I think the game just got stepped up in the last week. My heart has almost continuously ached from the pressure of life over the last couple of weeks. It pains me to say, that I'm nowhere near where I want to be. In fact, if I didn't have any responsibilities, if nothing at all was holding me here, I would probably do something drastic. Not suicide, I've already been there, it's not pretty, but yeah, I wouldn't be hanging around. Through it all, I have grown. Through the pain, the stress, the longing, I have grown. I still have difficulty letting go. I still struggle with my desires and my habits. A part of me is saying is it really so bad? Another part that is getting stronger daily is saying. Yes. You will never learn if you give even an inch to that voice. Abraham's frame of mind over Isaac wasn't aww crap, God's gonna turn this situation around... it was, God I don't like this one bit, but I will obey You. He was fully ready to kill his only son even if God hadn't come through for him. And so, I cannot afford to hold onto my dreams even the slightest bit. Because obeying God is much more important than God coming through for me. My focus needs to be on Him, on drawing close to Him, not on what He can do for me. And so, my dreams aren't pushed aside for later. My dreams are dead. It hurts. I broke down on the way to my room tonight just coming face to face with the fact. The realization that I must let go with EVERYTHING I have and hold NOTHING back.

There is a vulnerability in letting everything go. Something deeper than anything else. It is completely trusting God. Putting yourself on the line. It is setting yourself up for a broken heart. Opening yourself up for all or nothing. The risk of failure is greater than I can possible imagine...the consequences fatal. Why would I do this? I can never fully understand the heart of God. I am to caught up in my own world. The pain that I suffer throughout my lifetime have set up walls against the world, but in doing so have shut out the voice of God in my life. And so, we must come to an all or nothing point. Even if we choose nothing, God is faithful until the end. Eventually we must come to the point of surrender. The point of trust.

It's only in these moments of clarity, when I can say for certain that God is doing a great and wonderful work in my life. I can see it clearly, even though it hurts, God brings beauty from pain. Diamonds from ashes. A beating heart from stone. In the end this means more to me than anything I could do for myself. Your will be done, Lord

And as is my habit for the last however many blogs that I have written...I will post the lyrics of a song that speaks to me at this time.

Superchick - Beauty From Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel I like I died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the face that I made
I try to keep on but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And I'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Cheerio, D-Man

Dreams and Desires

2006-07-31T13:36:00.000+10:00

Well, here I am. I've come to a place of realization. Isn't it funny how some dreams and desires seem to come naturally, while others as much as you work towards them, seem like they'll never come to pass? For instance, my dream of teaching worship seems to simply have been there my entire life, I never did anything it just happened and it's really awesome, but other dreams in my life, that I've longed for so much, seem as if they will never ever come to fruition. Abraham had to be completely willing to kill his dream, his one desire in life was to have a son, and God told him to sacrifice his son and give him back to the Lord. I can understand the absolute anguish the Abraham must have felt when God told him this, not only was his dream being torn at the seams but God seemed to be holding back on his promises. What an amazing amount of faith that Abraham obeyed God and just before he plunged the knife into his son's heart, God came through and held him back. I know now that letting go of my dreams are the best thing I could possibly do. I need to sacrifice them to God so that He can work through them, but oh the pain it brings, the anguish, the loneliness. My heart cries out in terror that God will not come through for me, that if my dream dies, I will have nothing left. I feel so empty at the moment, so lost, and I don't know what to do, except focus on God.

All my life I've been tought to hold on to my dreams, to have faith and hold on to the promises of God (for that is what dreams are, are they not?). I been given many different reasons to hold on to my dreams, many, many reasons, but recently more and more I've been seeing the need to let them go. Submission to God MUST be paramount in my life, over even my dreams. I don't know what the future holds anymore, I once thought I did, I once was almost absolutely sure in fact, but now I know nothing and God is telling me to trust in Him. It is a hard lesson to take, and I cannot make it on my own. Everything in me wants to take my dreams back, to force them to be a reality, but I know that even if I was able to make my dreams a reality, they wouldn't bring me joy or peace or happiness. Over the last month or so, it has been a really strong pull to simply focus on God, whenever I get down or start focusing on circumstances, something always reminds me to focus on God, always, always, doesn't matter how tired I am, doesn't matter how much I slipped away, I must always come back to that point of focusing on Him.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in life that we forget about God. The meaning behind the phrase God is awesome (and similar) can become so lost. It becomes a catch 22, a phrase that you simply say when things get rough, as if it's a good luck charm, to make things get better without really meaning in it. Damn it, God IS awesome, and if I could truly see that, I would have no problems. Like Elisha on the walls, with all the fiery chariots around. The army of the Lord was surrounding the city, and just as the generals where about to lose hope, their eye's were opened to the glory of God and a paradigm shift took place. Their perspective was totally changed. God came through for them.

Haha, I love writing blogs. Your perspective changes as you write them. Like in the Psalms where David starts out by writing 'I feel alone like You have forsaken me'...etc., etc., and by the end of the Psalm he was like 'Your awesome God, there is none like You' .I started out all depressed (yes I know, I hate me being depressed too... don't you worry about that) but writing this has lifted my spirits somewhat. Guess I wasn't focusing on God, hey. God DOES come through, and I'm not holding on anymore, so I guess the only thing left for me to do is trust in God for my future. He's got it all worked out so I don't need to worry. Anyway, something to reflect on, God's taking me through the storms of life, but you know, that if you put gold over a fire for long enough, it melts. Yep. It melts and all the impurities come to the top where they can be scooped out. The gold becomes refined and pure. A lady at my church had a similar word on Monday where we are like clay but God kneads us until all the stones and non-clay substances are gone, then we become malleable and usable by God to make pottery.

Well, anyway, I better go, my blogs seem to be getting longer and longer and I have things to do. I will leave you with the lyrics of a song that sums up this blog rather nicely. It's by Barlow Girl from their debut album.

Surrender
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me
My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Cheerio, D-Man

God's Grace and Love

2006-07-18T13:51:00.000+10:00

God's grace is totally awesome. I am truly amazed that He would love me. Truly amazed that, time after time, screw up after screw up, He would patiently pursue me. Even when I am against God, He still wants me, He still loves me. It brings tears to my eyes, when I truly let myself feel the absolute immensity of it, and I can't even imagine how much more it goes beyond my imagination. Words cannot even catch a glimpse of God, in fact as Steven Curtis Chapman puts it... words just get in the way of what I really want to say...

Isn't it funny that it's during the good times where we can get to the point where we feel like we don't need God. He is still there and He is closer than ever. We acknowledge Him with thanks that life is good, and together we share joy in the circumstances, but God kind of takes a side line and watches for a while. And then in the troughs of the waves of life, it is there, when everything is drained from our spirit, God feels so distant to us. Why is it so, that when I look back on the footprints in the sand, I see only one set? God is obviously there...He never leaves or forsakes us, but every little prayer every little intersession feels like it hits the wall and falls to the floor. It is here, in the depths of God's distance that we truly find that we are hungry for God...just as Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and nights, he was hungry, so we in our barrenness find a hunger for God that may not necessarily have been apparent in the good times.

I've been going through...a mess...simply put, for about a year now. Oh, it's had its highlights, but the lows have been much more in number as to make the highlights seem patchy at best. I've been learning, but I still have a long, long road ahead. A road of unlearning, of grieving over mistakes made, of digging up the past and dealing with it. My journey hasn't just barely begun, this time is a preparation... my journey comes later... How religious I can be! How legalistic! How absolutely full of myself can I get! I see someone going through a rough time and I automatically try to apply formula to fix the problem rather than simply grieving with them. I am no better than Job's friends, who brought death into the situation. How many wounds have I given in this way? How many hearts have I broken? I rage against myself every day as I see all the trash that has built up in my soul over the years. It is here, in this place, where everyone I love seem far away in spirit though near in body, it is here where nothing seems to be going right, it is here, in the loneliness and despair, where I have nothing, that God truly finds me, or rather I truly find God. God, I truly am nothing, change my heart and draw me to You...

Youth band is still awesome..it will always be awesome, as long as the focus continues to stay on God. I am increasingly aware of my faults, but this doesn't stop me from seeing particularly dangerous situations arising, which, if left unchecked, will be, I fear, fatal to those involved...not physically, but, yeah, not good. I have no idea what to do anymore. I can pray, and that's all I know. Hopefully it will be enough. I have begun to see that in reality, I am no better than anyone... it may come as a shock to everyone that I would actually think of myself as higher than some people...me being the guy spouting humble, humble, humble... but I did, and to some extent I still do...God is working on me. We all do it to some extent... ie. I'm not perfect, but I'm better than that guy who is definitely not doing the right thing, I mean look at my fruits! I'm worshiping God for God's sake, while he is only doing it to look good in front of everyone, oh and look, he is bringing division into my little coterie, how dare he! etc. etc., I want to say, what a absolute bunch of CRAP! I with my self-righteous attitudes are just as bad as they. What a Pharisee! Who am I to judge them? What gives me the right? Everyone is broken, everyone is hurting and God is working on us all where we are at.

Wowee this is a long blog...you could almost call it a blogathon...or a blogalong or something. Ok...I'll shut up now and leave you with two songs by Steven Curtis Chapman that really...are really awesome :)

When Love Takes You In
I know you've heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You've heard about a place called home
But there doesn't seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

When love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you're sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

What I Really Want to Say
I say I love you, I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say I'm always thinking about you
There's no way I'd want to face this life without you
And even though these words comes from deep inside me
There's so much more I don't have the words to say

'Coz what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words I'm saying now
I spend my whole life looking for a way somehow
To let you know just how precious you are to me
I'll use the best words I know but I still won't say it all
It's like a tale too great to be told
It's something that my heart can only show
I'm gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know

What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

Cheerio, D-Man

Confusion

2006-07-15T12:20:00.000+10:00

Hmm... well here I am again, another day another blog. This week has been rather long. I've been rather tired and stupid with my time management this week, so I haven't been getting a lot done. Feels like I've had a very surface week. No really deep and meaningful convos with anyone, which is ok, cos they usually end up being deep and not meaningful...which is crap anyway...I haven't really been spending much time with God lately either which really sucks.

In fact I'm really confused about my life at this point. About what I should and shouldn't be holding onto...on the one hand I believe I should but on the other there's a voice saying but to really hold on you should just let it go, and I've been trying to let go, but it doesn't seem to be working, in fact it just feels like there will never be any sort of resolution if I do. To let go would be to lose hope, and if I do, I'm afraid I'll flip or something, so yeah...really don't know what to do there...

Youth band is going ok...I'm coming to the point of realization that there are greater things ahead, but we are definitely not there yet...when I think of the band, I see great potential, but there are certain attitudes pervading the atmosphere that are not good at all. As a worshiper, we must be so humble in EVERYTHING we do, and at the moment I'm just not getting that. I mean where IS the servant heart in all of this? What am I doing for others?

I can't help thinking back to a couple of years ago. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but life seemed so much easier back then. I can remember talking with Nathan, my brother, a couple of weeks before he went up to Canberra about how much I was enjoying serving people, and it just feels like I've lost something precious from that time. I dunno, maybe it's just me, maybe not.

Things are a real drag at the moment..probably because I'm not seeing any results anywhere, and thoughts come at me like 'ha, since you're not getting any results you must be doing something wrong...' I dunno, it's just frustrating.

On a lighter note...I brought Walk The Line the other day..haven't seen it yet because I let it to LeeAnne, but I've been hanging out for it all week. It came with a sound track which was pretty good actually. I didn't think I'd like it at all, because I've heard Johnny Cash before and it bored me to tears, but I didn't actually mind it..was heaps different to what I usually listen to, but it wasn't half bad. I also saw the new version of Pride and Prejudice last night, which is REALLY good! I'd recommend it much!

Haha, this is a really long blog entry, so I guess I shall leave you with my favorite verse...
'Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.' - Hebrews 11:1

Cheerio, D-Man

Life and winter

2006-07-10T12:59:00.000+10:00

Well, considering I haven't written a blog entry since last week and I've been going a bit blog crazy lately, that's a bit gap! So here we go...

It came to me the other day that since I have started writing blogs, they've slowly progressed into less about what is going on and my into my emotional side and how I feel and stuff like that. I probably would give up reading a blog like that so I've decided to put a bit more external awareness into them... so, let's see what's going on in my life?

I've been pretty busy lately, although I couldn't really tell you a lot about it, because I really don't know where the time has gone...just there isn't enough of it! Mel and Brendan's wedding was about a week and a half ago (I think)...that was pretty good. The reception was absolutely fabulous! We went to the racecourse for a 2 course dinner and dancing. I absolutely love to see newly weds on their first dance...truly magnificent I say! Although bittersweet :) but hey, the sweetness worth the bitterness. Somehow Widget coaxed (how do you spell that??) me onto the dance floor, where I made an absolute fool of myself, lol... that's the thing with me, if I'm gonna dance, (unless it is with my wife) I need to get to a place where I really don't care... unfortunately for everyone else, that place also involves me going a little bit crazy, 'coz I REALLY don't care, lol.

Um. Youth band has started up again and I'm pretty excited about it... lol, what can I say, I'm always excited about it... I LOVE IT!! I really believe that God is moving in the youth band, He's already done so much, but I believe that this is a time of preparation... we ain't seen nothing yet. God is going to outpour His Spirit like nothing you've ever seen and it will be awesome to be a part of that.

I'm getting to the point of realization that worry really is bad. Lol, I've always known it, but I've never really 'known' it if you know what I mean... It brings up issues that really, God is in control of anyway, and worrying about them is trying to take control from Him. I've never really seen it like that, but it's the truth. This winter has been a really heavy drain on everyone and it's starting to affect everything or so it seems. Everyone seems stressed out of their brains and worried about everything. People are either snappy or depressed and nothing flows naturally, but God is still sovereign. God is still the Master of the house, and He ALWAYS pulls through. I don't have to worry, and I've decided not to worry anymore. So if you catch me... give me a slap! lol, nah, but yeah.

So, that's my news for the week. Until next time, cheerio and GB!
D-Man

God is just so damn awesome!

2006-07-06T22:30:00.000+10:00

God truly is awesome, hey... even with all this crap in my life at the moment... internal as well as external, God is always with me. At this moment, when everything has gone from bad to worse, I am at complete peace...not even just peace, but contentment... as weird as that is. I've been praying pretty hardcore, and I will continue to do so... hopefully it'll become a habit for not just the bad times. I am completely trusting in God as far as my future goes, and hey, if it doesn't pan out, I know that He's got better in store for me anyway. I still believe in what I believe, but if it doesn't come to pass then so be it.

Hebrews 11:1 'Now faith is the reality of things being hoped for, the proof of things not being seen...' A really good definition of faith... one of my favorite verses in fact. I have things to hold onto, even though at the moment they are definitely unseen.

Hebrews 11:33 'Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions...' so God rewards faith. I believe that even if we are mistaken, God still rewards our faithfulness by taking us out of the situation gracefully. In fact in faith, it's all good, so really I should have no worries at all. And at the moment I don't, so 'tis good..ness?

About my moodiness, well, the last big bout I had with it was on Sunday, over Amelia leaving youth band. It kinda caught me by surprise, but I was prepared for it, coz I figured it was going to happen sooner or later. I was on a pretty big downer all night because of it, even though looking back on it now it seems pretty dumb. I remember thinking about halfway through, 'well, why am I depressed?, it's not like I didn't know this was going to happen...' I couldn't come up with any answers really, so I thought for a bit and the only thing that stuck was that it felt good to be depressed. As weird as that is, I was using the depression to feel good, instead of focusing on and trusting in God. If I look at any time I've gotten depressed now, I can say yeah, those reasons are more like selfish excuses, now. It's really selfish when I look back now. Thankfully God has changed my mindset, although I pray that He will help me to continue to change, because I don't think I'm there yet...

So yeah, how good is The Man anyway? ... I did have something to write right about now, but I've totally forgotten what it is... so yeah... I'll leave you all now and go watch Kingdom of Heaven..which I've been meaning to watch since about 2 hours ago!!

Cheerio, D-Man

The Times

2006-07-03T11:10:00.001+10:00

Well, here I am again. I really don't know how it works, and I'm just...sad. I can't change my current situation, but I can sure pray about it, and have been doing so. I don't know whether it was me or not, but it's not the first time...not even the second, and it damn well hurts for your information. I'm still holding on, maybe nothing will ever change, but hey, hope for the hopeless is better than despair. I won't let go, except for the situational crap, (coz really...I don't have to deal with it..it's not my problem anymore), because I believe in something higher than situation...still friggin' sucks though..

I would say more, because I really want to get it out of my system, but yeah, I don't think It'd be wise on a public blog and somehow I think that going into detail would just make things worse. I can remember around Christmas time this year going through exactly the same crap and it got really...bad. As the blog entries from around that time will probably tell you, lol. I'm not expecting much different this time around, but hey, as I said. I'm not going to focus on it anymore.

In other news, I've been way to moody of late...I've been trying to break free of it, with limited success, so I'll continue trying. It's been a habit in my life for a long long time now, and I guess it goes under the selfishness category when it comes down to it, so yeah. I've been way to short and snappy lately for my own good..or anyone else for that matter, and it's time to take a stand. God is awesome, I will always have much more grace than I deserve, but I at this very moment, I REALLY know that I have more than I deserve.

You know who else are awesome? Phil and LeeAnne...tell you what, without these guys I don't know what I would do. They have supported me through everything since my family went up to QLD. Much grace is required for me and they have stepped up to the plate in that department. Thank you guys heaps for your love and support, you're awesome to the max!

Cheerio, D-Man

Selfishness and Worship

2006-06-27T09:59:00.000+10:00

You ever notice how selfish we can be sometimes? It's a recent phenomenon for me, I've really never noticed it before, but I am one selfish cookie…I'm not talking your average selfishness either, damn. It's taken almost two years of continuous effort from God for me to even be aware of my selfishness... and that’s really bad! We as people focus way too much on ourselves, and in some ways this belief is perpetuated in the church...(not saying the church is bad, I love church) for instance, we are all about 'what God can do for us' or 'what God did for us' when it should be about 'what can we do for others?' and 'what can we do for God?' A lot of my prayers have been things like 'Lord help me to...' and whereas this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, 'Lord please help me to be a man of integrity, to have strength, etc. etc.' I'm thinking (now...I didn't used to) where's the relationship in this? How am I focusing on God in my prayer? As a worship leader I MUST be about God to be effective at all in my worship. I read the other day that worship is our natural response to God when we truly know God. So who is God? Do prayers like 'Lord help me...' really help me to KNOW God? Or do they help me to use God to get things for myself? It's a really tough question, and I know I'm nowhere near an answer yet. Worship involves sacrifice, as David said, (paraphrased) if I will not offer to God that which costs me nothing. I'm willing to take it a step further and say that worship doesn't involve sacrifice, but SELF-sacrifice. 'Those who try to hold onto their life will lose it...' So the question becomes, what am I giving up for the Lord? A Sunday afternoon? Pfft...anyone can do that, as a Christian that is not a sacrifice, that's a given. Am I truly worshiping God when I'm up on stage, or am I focusing on what I can get out of it? Am I giving God the glory He deserves? Do I even know God, to worship Him? Or am I up there to feel good about myself? What am I doing for others lately? Well gee, lets see, I've been trying to comfort some friends lately who've been going through a rough time...yes this is good. However, what are my motives? Am I truly giving my time to them for their sake...am I even helping them? Or am I simply doing it to make sure that I am in their good books, that I can feel good about myself because of it? The bottom line is the more I look at myself, the more I see that I am a disgrace.

Lord, take my life, take my will and my desires, and replace them with Your life, Your will, Your desires. Take my selfishness and replace it with Your Love. Help me to be focused on You entirely. Reveal Yourself to me in ways that I’ve never even imagined. In doing so, allow me to worship you in spirit and in truth. Lord I want to KNOW You, not know everything that I can get from You. Change my heart.

Cheerio, D-Man

Talking to the ceiling (edited)

2006-06-21T13:02:00.000+10:00

Well, are some deliberation, I decided to re-post this blog entry...it was basically just a bout of melancholy, but I don't think it was right to post it...so I have edited out the crap and left the good stuff with a little more. Hopefully you will find in to be encouraging...

Have you ever talked to the ceiling before? I have..it goes along the lines of a heart to heart conversation with someone which will never actually take place, for whatever reason. It may be an apology that isn't accepted but ends in your tears anyway. It may be advice that you really want to give. Maybe it's a deep expression of love for that certain someone that you cannot let them know about until the due time. Maybe you really miss someone at that moment, but can't contact them. Or maybe you just need to get something off your chest but you have no one to talk to... Maybe it's some sort of combination of all five of those reasons...

Always these type of talks leave you feeling empty and alone, yet something always draws you back to them, time and time again. Is it because you need to feel like everything will be ok? Even when it is not, do we try and reach out for a touch from heaven in our suffering? God alone knows the answers, and all the while He is trying to comfort you... trying to reach you even more than you are so desperately trying to reach out for anyone. He loves you more than you could possibly know, in fact God is love, and since God is omniscient (everywhere at once) and He loves you completely..how big do you think His love for you is? In fact the bible says, that God has named every single star, He has clothed the flowers of the field in 'more than Solomon in his glory', how much more does God love you?

Whatever you are going through, whatever conversations with the ceiling that you've had, know that God has heard them all and He is there with you...

D-Man

Birthdays and maths

2006-06-14T11:39:00.000+10:00

Well, my birthday was yesterday. I turned 20...was a little bit strange, because it really doesn't feel any different from 19. When I turned 19 it was like whoa, I'm not 18 anymore...the strangest feeling, it's hard to describe. But 19-20, there isn't any real feeling of change.

I had a surprise party on Sunday, which was awesome as. I can't believe they got me, lol...you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but yeah. I was rather shocked and so I was fairly quiet and stuff all day because I was trying to process everything. I had a totally awesome day though, which turned into a damn awesome weekend btw. I have the most amazing group of friends in the world, seriously, you guys are so awesome. I really don't deserve any of you, but God's grace is eternal and I and thankful :)

So, how good is God? Damn straight! Every day He amazes me with a little something special, just for me, blows my mind with His grace and love.

I saw the coolest thing the other day, check this out:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 101%?
What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you
L-O-V-E - O-F - G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

So yeah...how awesome is it? lol, well, today promises to be a fairly boring day, except for youth tonight...so I better get back to it...

Cheerio D-Man

Renae and Anthony's Wedding

2006-06-13T13:02:00.000+10:00

Yeah this isn't really an entry as such...Renae and Anthony's wedding was on Saturday!! Woot!! Was simply AWESOME! But yeah, I don't really have time to get into it right, now, but I've uploaded some pics, so check 'em out!! I'll fill this out a bit more later...

...as I promised:

So...Renae's wedding...was awesome as! It all started on the 27th May 2006 at 12:45PM, although in reality it was more like 1:30 when the bride arrived :) And in the manner of most weddings, the bride walked down the aisle towards her husband to be. Me and LeeAnne sang 'We Will Dance' and 'I Will Be Here' by Steven Curtis Chapman, accompanied by Amelia on flute, Phil on piano and Juliette on Violin, and it sounded awesome as. The entire wedding went off basically without a hitch.

The reception was at the Bonshaw restaurant, at 4:00PM. It was pretty awesome too...especially the dances. Renae danced by herself with Anthony and then with her dad. Nat & Natally King Cole played in the background. It was a really powerful moment, feeling along the lines of any good Hollywood movie along the same lines :) I think Bicentennial Man had a moment in there like that, anyway. The cake looked pretty awesome as well, although they kept it themselves.

They couldn't have picked a better time either. The Autumn leaves in the background made for an absolutely gorgeous setting (which you can see in their official wedding photos). All round it was the best day I've had in quite a long time.

Cheerio, D-Man

Worship

2006-05-22T12:55:00.000+10:00

I led worship for the first time last night at church, surprisingly I wasn't nervous at all about it. There were things going on that night, though, that had me a little bit stressed. I don't really think I accomplished what I set out to though. My aim has always been 'how can I through my worship, bring people into an atmosphere where they can really let loose for God?' as far as that went...probably 3 out of 5. Whenever I looked around, people were getting into it, but it didn't really look like it was natural, if you know what I mean. Afterward I felt a bit bummed, which of course then lead to doubting a bit, but I got over that pretty quickly, after all the focus can't be me, it has to be God, so that's something He's gonna deal with.

I've been reading through Extravagant Worship - Darlene Zschech. It is so incredibly humbling to read about people so genuine in their worship that they put me to shame. It's a really good book, I really recommend it for anyone who's particular bent is worship or whatever...ok even if it's not READ IT!! It's really good.

There is such a huge responsibility on a worship leader to be totally focused on God. I think I got up there without really realizing what I was getting myself into, but now I know, and there is so much more to it than I realized.

I'm listening to Evermore by Planetshakers right now...the lyrics go:

I will sing
Of the mercy of the Lord
And I will shout
Of Your faithfulness oh God

For there is none like You
Seated in Your majesty
Holy One I come
To worship You forevermore

You are my God my life my all
And I live for You alone
I am Yours evermore
Heaven and earth Your praise
The wonder of Your name
I'll proclaim evermore

Evermore
Evermore

And I will run
Into Your presence
And I will sing
Sing forever

How awesome is that, can you feel the power in those words? The heartfelt declaration to God that There is none like you not one, and so I am Yours for all eternity. Every time I hear that song I get goosebumps.

Yeah anyway I've kinda run out of things to say..I'm not really in a talkative mood at the moment, so until next time, I bid you all a big Cheerio..
D-Man

God's heart

2006-05-10T23:35:00.000+10:00

I've been reading A Sacred Romance by John Eldredge over the last couple of weeks and I just want to write an excerpt that I found rather awesomely awesome...

'...What is clear is that Satan has lost the battle. Twice. The first time he was hurled in disgrace from the walls of heaven by Christ and his angels. The second time, he was unable to hold the crucified Christ within the gates of hell and was forced to hand over to him the keys to death and Hades. But for a time he is placed on what feels like a very long leash to do what he can among us with his roaring.

As we pick up the drama of Satan's defeat in heaven at the end of Act II, which John described to us in Chapter 6 through Paradise Lost, we find Satan lying face down in the lake of fire after having been hurled from the walls of heaven on the third day of his great battle with God and his angels. In shock that such a great force as his could have actually been defeated, he drags himself to a nearby island. He raises his head to see his angelic army strewn across the lake of fire like "autumn leaves" - the glow of heaven still upon them. Beelzebub, his chief lieutenant, convinces him to speak, that the sound of his voice might yet instill courage and hope in his legions.

Having lost everything with no chance for redemption, Lucifer, now Satan, tries to quiet the tears of his own heart and assure his legions that this place will never be able to hold such celestial spirits as they. He uses the despair, impotent rage, and hatred for God that they all feel to stir them to consider what "mature counsel" will once again give them hope and direction.

Lucifer and his war chiefs have lost their heavenly names but Milton refers to them by the names their notoriety on the earth will earn them. Moloch urges all-out assault on heaven and if they die in the process, so be it. At least the streets of heaven will run red with blood. Belial, the consummate politician, advises a policy of laying low so that perhaps God will eventually forget about them and they can then do what they want. Mammon basically says, "Guys, we can own this joint without God here to bug us. We'll run a number racket never before seen under heaven." It is at this point that Beelzebub breaks in to the dialogue with exasperation:

What sit we then projecting peace and war?
War hath determin'd us and foil'd us with loss
Irreparable; terms of peace, yet none
Vouch saf't or sought; for what peace will be giv'n
To us enslav'd, but custody servere,
And stripes, and arbitrary punishment...
Nor will occasion want, nor shall we need
With dangerous expedition to invade
Heav'n, whose high walls fear no assault or Seige
Or ambush from the Deep. What if we find
some easier enterprise?...

Having exposed how futile it would be to place any hope in invading heaven or somehow pulling one over on God and establishing their own kingdom, Beelzebub advocates a different approach to gaining revenge against God by destroying or seducing God's new and favored race called man.

There is a place
(If ancient and prophetic fame in Heav'n
Err not) another place, the happy seat
Of some new Race call'd Man, about this time
To be created, like to us, though less
In power and excellence, but favour'd more
Of him who rules above; so was his will
Pronounc'd amoung the Gods, and by an Oath,
That shook Heav'n's whole circumference, confirm'd.
Thither let us bend all our thoughts, to learn
What creatures there inhabit, of what mould,
Or substance, how endu'd, and what their Power,
And whence their weakness, how attempted best,
By force or subtlety: Though Heav'n be shut,
And Heav'n's high Arbitrator sit secure
In his own strength, this place may lie expos'd
The utmost border of his Kingdom, left
To their own defense who hold it: here perhaps
Some advantageous act may be achiev'd
By sudden onset, either will Hell fire
To waste his whole Creation, or possess
All as our own, and drive as we were driven
The puny habitants, or if not drive,
Seduce them to our Party, that their God
May prove their foe, and with repenting hand
Abolish his own works. This would surpass
Common revenge, and interrupt his Joy
In our Confusion, and our Joy upraise
In his disturbance; when his darling Sons
Hurl'd headlong to partake with us, shall curse
Their frail Originals, and faded bliss,
Faded so soon. (italics mine)

Being unable to defeat God through raw power, Satan's legions decided to wound God as deeply as possible by stealing the love of his beloved through seduction. And having "seduced them to his party," to ravish them body and soul; and having ravished them, to mock them even as they are hurled to the depths of hell with God himself unable to save them because of their rejection of him. This is Satan's motivation and goal for every man, woman, and child into whom God ever breathed the breath of life. Like a roaring lion, he "hungers" for us.

God could have given up on the love affair with mankind. He could have resorted to power and demanded our loyalty, could have given us a kind of spiritual lobotomy that would take away our choice to love him. Even now, he could easily obliterate our enemy and demand the allegiance of our hearts, but the love affair that began in the laughter of the Trinity would be over, at least for us. And Satan's accusation that the kingdom of God is established only through raw power would be vindicated.

Once we understand God's desire to possess our heart through love rather than power, we can fathom even more deeply the depth's of God's anguish as he pleads with Israel through the prophets to give up their spiritual adultery and return to his love. We can also comprehend the fierceness of his jealousy for the heart and spiritual well-being of his chosen ones as he raises up nations and armies to obliterate the society and culture that have become a breeding ground for the enemy's seduction of their heart. "I do this so you will know that it is I Who am the Lord your God" is the heart message he brings to Israel in Ezekiel and Jeremiah. "And when you have been stripped naked and ravished, your hearts will again call out to me for rescue and I will come and destroy your enemies."

All of us have had poignant ecstasies of heart over a love affair that subsequently turned to immobilizing pain and shock as we realized that our lover could actually know us and yet leave us for another. But have you ever dated someone and you just knew, from the first time you met her, that she was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? As you laughed and talked and marveled together, you felt you love deepen to a heart bond that you knew you never wanted to free yourself from. And have you ever been shocked to find one day that the one you loved so deeply and who you thought loved you just as passionately, had been dating other guys and moreover, was spending more and more of her time with your worst enemy?

Have you ever had to literally turn a lover over to a mortal enemy to allow her to find out for herself what his intentions toward her really were? Have you ever had to lie in bed knowing she was believing his lies and was having sex with him every night? Have you ever sat helplessly by in a parking lot, while your enemy and his friends took turns raping your lover even as you sat nearby, unable to win her heart enough so she would trust you to rescue her? Have you ever called this one you had loved for so long, even the day after her rape, and asked her if she was ready to come back to you only to have her say her heart was still captured by your enemy? Have you ever watched your lover's beauty slowly diminish and fade in a haze of alcohol, drugs, occult practices and infant sacrifice until she is no longer recognizable in body or soul? Have you ever loved one so much that you even send your only son to talk with her about your love for her, knowing that he will be killed by her? (And in spite of knowing all this, he was willing to do it because he loved her, too, and believed you were meant for each other.)

All this and more God has endured because of his refusal to stop loving us. Indeed, the very depth and faithfulness of his love for us, along with his desire for our freely given love in return, are what give Satan the ammunition to wound God so deeply as he carries out his unceasing campaign to make us into God's enemy.

The journey of our individual hearts, as well as the heart of an entire nation or culture, really distills into this warfare for our heart's devotion. It is the central plot of the Sacred Romance, Act III, life here on earth. Indeed, all of the subplots of our lives come out of it. Satan has camouflaged this simplicity with a thousand other religions, psychologies, philosophies, knowledges, and mysticisms over the centuries, but the embers of the love affair, sustained by God's faithfulness, have refused to die and grow completely cold...'

So yeah..how good is it? I can't really think of much to say right at this very moment..so I guess I'll leave this blog entry at that...

Cheerio, D-Man

India fundraisers, Mils' party and the times

2006-04-29T00:37:00.000+10:00

Well, it's been a while since my last blog entry..kinda haven't had time to write anything lately. A lot has been happening in the past 3 weeks. One thing I've been coming to realize is how fast everyone is growing up! Oh my goodness! Seems just like yesterday...hmm sounds like a song! Yeah, far out, Renae..whom I've known since she was about 8 or something is getting married in a month or so!! How good is it!! Woot Renae, kudos to you, you rock my socks!

It's been one heck of a learning curve over the last few months, trying to let go of things and simply trust in God. I still slip up occasionally, but I think God has moved me far from where I was at the start of the year. I'm starting to see patterns in my life, and whilst I can't do anything about them myself. Now that I can see them I can start praying about them..which is the only way they're gonna change anyway, so that's good :)

Hmm...had Phil's Singing Concert for India last week..I was singing, so it was as scary as hell. Like everything, I don't actually get nervous until right before, and I'm talking RIGHT BEFORE I have to do something in front of people. This was no exception. I hit the stage, and I could barely concentrate. My voice was totally wrecked from a cold I'd had all week, so I made a pretty bodgey (like my word? bodgey) job of it...but everyone was raving about it like sliced bread, so I guess it can't have been that bad.

Tonight we had a dinner fundraiser for India at a restaurant that is closing down. Was pretty good...ate too much though. And yeah..was pretty good...ate too much th..oh wait..

Memory of the entry: Milsy's 17 Birthday party. Well, had heaps of fun that night. Got dressed up as 'The Punisher' with the leather trench coat and the skull tee-shirt and the whole bit..barring the guns, now that would have been cool. Dyed my hair black for the occasion, was heaps of fun. Milsy came dressed up as Beauty from Beauty and the Beast, while Matty came dressed up as the Penguin..looked absolutely awesome. Widget came dressed as the Scarecrow..pics are uploaded if you want to check it out :) The whole night was pretty laid back, and yeah, just had an awesome night.....ok, ok I admit that was a pretty lame excuse for a memory, considering the detail in the last one, but..I'm kinda tired. I'll do better next time I promise.

Cheerio, D-Man

Ignite '06 Photos

2006-04-13T16:41:00.000+10:00

Yeah great entry :P anyway, new photo's..check 'em out!! I'll get more when I get 'em...

Cheerio, D-Man

Autumn comes

2006-04-03T11:15:00.001+10:00

New poem... yeah... not much to say at the moment... Stay tuned (hehe) for music in the background...

You remind me of a childhood time
Playing in the park in Autumn
The wind blew with clouds in the sky
And rains blotted the sun
The overwhelming smells of oak
Filled the air with color
Whisping around like faint smoke
Without a care or d'ruther

Grey was the color in the air
And gold were the leaves
Falling ever so gently there
To the ground from the trees
They littered the ground
Making patterns in the grass
And swishing sounds
Until the very last

I as a boy, would play here
Romping around in my boots
Nothing to lose, nothing to fear
Proud of myself to the roots
Memories only, remains now
I am now not the same
Times change and boys grow
But you and I remain

Cheerio, D-Man

Manifest, memories, and God

2006-03-28T14:51:00.000+10:00

God is awesome. I really feel like I've had a breakthrough at this time. I haven't felt this good in at least 6 months. I don't know really why..the timing is wierd, but yeah..it's good. Mood in a word: excited. Music in the background: Replenish - Underground. Just listening to it takes me back, and I can remember very clearly. It was a Monday during the holidays last year. I was sitting at the sound desk about half an hour before something. The sun was shining and I had just brought 3 new CDs, which this was one of. This was before camp last year...I was listening to it for the very first time, and I seem to remember Matty coming in for something.

I've read through The Sacred Romance and Journey of Desire by John Eldredge..yeah I know, I'm a John Eldredge freak...get over it! lol, he rocks. Anyway, one of the things that came up briefly in the former and explored in the latter was this idea of a 'haunting'. Memories of times when your heart was lifted and there didn't seem to be a problem in the world, when you were at peace...memories of times when you simply didn't want them to end. Different things trigger these memories, ie. for me it's music in a big way, I don't think I can really listen to any of my albums without remembering something...it can be other things though, I can remember big things like camp from certain smells sometimes..yeah..anyway...

My mood isn't dependent on the music however...it's just God's grace. I can't say enough how awesome God is!

Manifest was awesome despite the first day being really kinda...not so good. The second day more than made up for it. I really learned a lot from the different streams and I think I picked the right ones:

Creative Ministries - Sidney Mohedhe
Worship Leading - Henry Seeley
Drums & Bass - Dave Nygaard & Ben
Leadership - Bram Manusama
Youth Bands - Henry Seeley
Song Writing - Ben Manusama

There was heaps of material, and I have been applying some of it in Illuminus & worship already.

I've decided to put in each blog entry a memory with as much detail as I can, so if I forget, I can always reference it :) so..here goes...

Manifest:
Saturday: I got up at 5:00am..still dark...and had a shower, walked over to Mils' place at around 6:00am. Started zoning just sitting on the couch. Michelle and Brad took ages to get there from picking up Matty. I was absolutely smashed...my state was pretty much summed up by these words at Maccas: "Why don't you...drop it...every time then?"..trust me, it was demented.. The worship that morning, in the stadium, everyone was going absolutely mental! God was in the house and He anointed the worship leaders up the front. The first song was One Way - United...as soon as I heard it smashed as I was, I was like "Nup, going up the front!" I really let go and worshiped God with everything I had. That afternoon, the sun was fairly hot overhead. We went out onto the grassy field to eat lunch. Me and Sam on a spur of the moment did a run-around into the oval underneath the sprinklers. Didn't get that wet, but I was damp for a while. I laid on the ground almost the entire time and covered my eyes with my arms. I left five minutes before my stream started because of the conversation topic..yeah Sam..you! lol!! My first stream for the day was Youth Bands, it was really good and practical..so I'm not going into to much detail here...I have the notes. Second stream was song writing. Ben Manusama had a really different approach to writing songs. He went in depth into the lyrical structure of songs..one example he used was Rock of Ages..others were, Adonai, All Honor, etc. The drive home was pretty anticlimactic...we stopped at Maccas for tea, Sam freaked out some Greek family or something. I slept most of the way home. At some point Mils' put Johnny Cash on...that's when I fell asleep :P...but we had United We Stand and Blessed on for most of the car trip. We got home by about 8:00pm.

Okies, this is a seriously long blog entry...

Cheerio, D-Man

Manifest, music and my life

2006-03-24T20:51:00.000+10:00

Well, hmm, lets see...Isn't it funny how my titles usually have three words and they all start with the same letter? Yeah..anyway...it's been a while since my last blog entry, a fair bit has happened. I've made some decisions in my life to live by faith, and so far it's a really rocky road. I've been coming to recognize the attacks of the enemy for what they are. My life hasn't really gotten any better on the outside...it probably won't.

I've been reading John Eldredge's book, 'Waking the Dead' about coming back to a fullness of heart and hoping for the future. It's a very good book, and one that has sparked my decision. I think I have some very tough things to go through, which is gonna suck, but I'm holding onto the promise of God for my future...and other things. How I wish things could be different. How I wish things could be as they were, but I know it's never going to happen, even as I know that dwelling on the past is not good either.

I know there are things in my life that I have to let God deal with before I can really go anywhere, so I think I have a pretty tough road ahead of me for a while...but at least I'll be awesome when He's done aye? : ) ... or better anyway. I've been under fire pretty hardcore lately, and I haven't really felt that I can tell anyone because no-one seems to understand exactly what I'm going through. I'm not even sure I really can, and I can't really put into words anyway, I guess. I've decided to have a little 'character growth' in my life, just trying to be a bit more stable than I have been...eg. rather than bringing everyone down with moodiness, I'm giving my circumstances to God and (trying to) rejoicing in Him anyway.

These last few weeks have been pretty hectic...I've literally not had a night to myself all week, and been surviving on an average of 7 hours sleep a night, except for last night when I had to made do on 2 because of Manifest. To be honest, the first day of manifest wasn't that great. The worship was totally awesome in the morning just after rego, but the day was a real drag after that. I don't know whether this had to do with my lack of sleep or what, but I just couldn't really get into it.

Some good music has come out recently, aww yeah....The new United album 'United We Stand' has FINALLY arrived...and totally rocks my socks, also MuteMath's self-titled debut album. Very chill. Very very chill. Fully awesome. Better than Coldplay...and that's saying something. I figured out the connection between Adam LaClave (Macrosick) and Paul Meany (MuteMath) What made them tick together as Earthsuit...Adam came up with all the funky junk rock licks and high energy whilst Paul was more focused on the mellow, arty, chill expressions in their songs. Now that they have become their own bands..it is really easy to tell where Earthsuit got it's sound from. Plumb's new album 'Chaotic Resolve' has also recently come out. I picked it up completely by accident, but it is very cool. A cross between Evanescence and Sixpence None the Richer for sound, and it works really well. Also Building 429's new album 'Rise' has been ordered...hopefully it won't take to long to get here...anyway...rather than boring you with more muso crap that no-one but myself is interested in.. I'll leave you with a proverb.

"If those who know don't say anything, then those who don't know will."

Cheerio, 'lil D-Man

My Journey of Desire

2006-03-09T16:35:00.000+10:00

Well, over the last couple of weeks, I've learned about the importance of following your heart and the journey of desire. I have also learned how little I truly know, and how dangerous some desires...even good ones, can be if they are too strong. This is not a reason for throwing out your desires...nothing can be more destructive to your heart. It is a difficult line to follow...damned if you do and damned if you don't, but the outcomes of following your desires in the long run are much more healthy for you.

So much has happened and continues to happen in my life over the last couple of years. It is a period of change in my life, some good some bad. I know that God is sovereign and I have faith that He is in total control of my life. I DON'T know much else for sure. I pray everyday for my desires to be realized, and God's will be done in my life. Sometimes they seem so close and then other times so far. It can be a temptation to go too far when they are close, but I know that now is not the right time. My desires can seem so strong sometimes though, almost as if they were written on my soul in fire.

These times are tests, I realize, a building of character in my life. Times of growth and drawing near to the Lord. They draw out a lot of ugly characteristics from me...impatience, paranoia, anger, frustration, grief, despair, childishness. However, they come to pass, and leave with them a sense of hope for the future.

God knows my heart, and He reveals it more and more to me each day.

Cheerio, D-Man

Through it all

2006-02-20T09:43:00.000+10:00

Woot! New layout! Was getting...not bored...but close, with the old one. So yeah, new look to my MSN space. How good is it, ohmygoodness, ohmygoodness and all that.

Well, the crap has definitely hit the fan as the saying goes. I feel that I'm in the right spot, and that this is a trial by fire. I believe that I'm believing the right things, holding onto the right things, but at the moment, nothing could be further from my reality. I'm holding onto God's promises for me, and staying in the center of His will. As Maximus puts it "...all else is shadows and dust...all else is dust and air..." Nothing else is more important to me at the moment than being right with God.

Being me, I've written a new poem, yes it is relevant...as are all my poems, but also not the entire truth, as are all poems. I've been praying hardcore for the last week and a half, and I know that God is going to pull through for me, it's just a matter of time...even so, I pray that it won't be long. Being in this place sucks hardcore.

Through it all, I am yours
Know that I love you evermore
Even when it doesn't seen to shine
Know that you are mine

When the rains come along
I will always always hold on
Even when things all go wrong
Never stop singing our song

Through it all, You are mine
I'll hold onto you, with love divine
When the winds blow us apart
I will come back to your heart

Just hold on, stay strong
It now won't be long
God will get us through
This time of solitude

Hold me in the arms of love
So warm and secure, God above
In His wisdom placed us here
So there is nothing to fear

It is simply a test, a trial by fire
To show that it's you I desire
I will never, ever let you go
Because I love you so

You are so beautiful
There's nothing comparable
It is simply you I adore
Only you and nothing more

Failures come and victories go
Time crawls and life slows
But you and I will always remain
Apart now, but together again

Through it all, I am here
Waiting for you, almost near
Though it all, hold onto me
On wings of eagles so free

For love will make us fly
High above, in to the sky
Away from all troubles and things below
Forever hold on, forever hope

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a; 11; 13
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.... 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

http://www.bible.ca/ef/expository-numbers-6-22-27.htm
Numbers 6: 24-26
"24 The Lord bless you, and keep you, 25 may His face shine on you, and be gracious to you. 26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace."

Oh and Detour 180's song "I'm For You", has some of the coolest lyrics...so does Mercy Me's "The Love of God" but I'll save that for next blog entry.

Whats a boy to do, searching for the heart of You
Reaching out again, searching for the invisible God
Who knows knows my every tear
Who holds my every fear

I'm for you, and I'll hold you until the end of time
I gave it all for you, from wounded hands of love divine
I'm for you, I'm for you

Cheerio, D-Man

Proverb: "If you are scared to fail then you will never attempt anything."

Life and lack of passion

2006-02-16T13:38:00.001+10:00

Well, things have dropped substantially since my last entry. I'm starting to feel like a yo yo. Everything starts good in the morning and by the end of the day I'm either smashed physically, mentally or emotionally. I seem to be a glutton for punishment..or a dupe, either way I'm stuffed. The last three weeks have just worn me down to the point where I'm barely holding on enough to care about anything anymore. I'm not finding joy in my friendships, in my music, there's simply a lack of passion in my life at the moment. And I really don't know what to do about it. Feels like all my life I've been living behind a buffer and now finally that buffer has been taken away

Through it all, God's really been challenging my faith, to simply trust that He has everything under control even when your entire world has gone to crap. So...that's what I gotta do. Keep holding onto His promises. I've cracked a number of times already, it's only been because of my best mate that I've gotten this far. The best part is...I can see things getting a lot worse before they get better. Kinda sucks for me.

Things to look forward to:
The weekend
Manifest
Ignite
The end of this period in my life
Drumming
Hanging with my mates
Worshiping God

I think that's about it.

I've realized over the last few weeks that no one actually reads this anymore, so yeah...if your reading it, you get a gold star, you're one of the faithful few.

Cheerio, D-Man

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T11:09:00.000+10:00

Happy Valentine's day! Woot for love hearts, roses, chocolates, and all things pink, red, or fluffy! Yep.

Well, what's been happening in my life you say? I could tell you but, I'm not really in the mood today. Let's just say youth band has started back up and it's good. God is awesome and youth group's awesome, and church is awesome...even my future wife's awesome (so I believe :P)...in short everything is awesome, except for two things, which I'm currently praying about...Not for public consumption..yet, anyway, sorry about the length and lack thereof of this, my blog entry.

Oh and while I'm at it..."I'm For You" by Detour 180 is the BEST song eva! omygosh omygosh and all that. Seriously though, gives me the chills every time I hear it... Chorus is as follows:

I'm for you, I'll hold you til the end of time
Save it all for you, from wounded hands, I'll love divine
I'm for you, I'm for you

Yeah...God's personal valentine to us, how totally beyond awesome is it!

And now for my random statement of the day. I...really really...miss camp, damn it! It hasn't really hit me this year as much as any of the others...until now....erk...must concentrate.

Cheerio, D-Man

Life as of the 8th

2006-02-08T14:44:00.000+10:00

Well, here we are again. At last, I thought we wouldn't make it...there were some times when I thought we were done for but God pulled us through. I've been wanting to tell you...

If only it was as easy as it is when looking at it in the past. I've had a really rough week this week. I feel like I've been walking on a knife edge and it's only been getting worse. Through it all I've been feeling that God is just saying hold on, you can make it, focus on Me and My promises for you, but damn it can be hard to have faith sometimes.

This week, just about everything is suddenly...blah...right in my face. It's not the most pleasant feeling in the world.

I've come to a small realization that God is in total control...not that I didn't know it before but you ever know something and then it clicks? Well it's like that. I still don't know that He's in TOTAL control...if I did, I would have total faith and that would be awesome...but over my lifetime He's slowly bringing me round. So yeah, I'm holding on, still, until He comes through for me. I mean how awesome is it that, despite everything we think we go through...God's got it all planned out for you already, and even when things don't work out, He's got more ahead for you than you could ever imagine!

Piano still rocks. I've been getting it to the point where I can actually play not to badly and it just...rocks. Yeah. I still enjoy drums better though. More and more I can see where my life is headed...it should be fun!

I've decided I need to really get stuck into the Bible. Since the end of last year some time I've really been having trouble finding time to read it...and I think that's what half of my problem is. So yeah. At least half an hour a day if I can.

I've also decided to start on a regime of sit-ups and push-ups everyday. No reason..that I want to say :P

Anyhoo...
Cheerio, D-Man

Proverb: "Life is incomplete without love."

Reload '06...what a blast!

2006-01-30T16:08:00.000+10:00

Well I'm back from Reload '06..it was totally AWESOME! The whole focus was about discipline your world. About bringing your separate worlds whatever they be (school, home, work, etc.) together and really just letting God work through you in them.
About 8 of us went down to Phillip Island for 4 days...(starting on Thursday) If you missed it, then you missed out! Big time! (Sorry Mils!) We had an AWESOME time fellowshipping with each other, connecting with God, learning to connect with people. Everyone was very incredibly tired afterward (not as bad as youth camp though), but it was worth it. The days consisted of a worship and preaching session in the morning after breakfast, followed by lunch and workshops, then (generally) by a couple of hours of swimming, resting, cards, activities, etc. Tea followed, as well as more worship and preaching. Then yep....karaoke!! Woot! I would like to say that I didn't participate in the karaoke and make a dismal failure of it...but that would be a lie. Renae and Jess also went up and sang, although they did much better than I :P. We managed to snag one of the so called 'Bling Men' from the convention, so we'll be hanging him up in the hall...yeah...

Everyone got heaps out of it and grew in God. I pray that we continue to do so out of such an environment and are able to put into practice what we have learned.
Anyway. next on the list....Manifest TD6 (hopefully), and Ignite '06...awwwww yeah! If you didn't catch reload, then I'll hopefully see you at those two, and if not well hey...there's always next year right?
Cheerio, D-Man

Faith, marriage and reminisce

2006-01-24T09:37:00.000+10:00

Hey guys! Just letting you know, I'm feeling heaps better today...under the surface there are still doubts, but I've decided to let go of them...so they aren't at the forefront of my mind. I had a big talk with my best mate yesterday. We are opposite kind of people. Whenever he seems down I can usually cheer him up, and vice versa, and it's usually one or the other never both together, so we balance each other pretty well. I am more determined than ever to hold onto the promises of God, I've got them now and I won't ever let 'em go. Damn straight!

I can't wait until I get married. It's gonna rock so damn hard! My wife is just gonna lift my world. Not that there won't ever be mistakes or challenges to get past, but that's all part of the deal, and I am gonna love every single moment I am with her!

Life is in a real slump these last few weeks, with holidays on, nothing much has been happening. Weekends are a highlight...hanging with friends and chillin' with God. I've felt really distant from everything though. Can't wait for everything to just get back to normal...or...as normal as life is for me :P.

Listening to United - To the Ends of the Earth. Damn good album! I got it about 3 years ago (during 1st year of uni) and listened to it literally 24-7 for at least 8 months. Listening to it now brings me back a heap of good memories, especially of Illuminus, the youth band. We rock for God! And it has been totally awesome to be able to be included with all of the band members lives. I am living in a world of Giants and am humbled in their presence. It has been a total honor my friends! Stay true to God!

BTW: I'm trying to put headings on all my photos..there's just so damn many it might take a little. Things are slowly getting done around here, so check back anytime.

Anyhoo cheerio, D-Man

Proverb: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world..."

Day by day

2006-01-23T11:15:00.000+10:00

Hey guys, yep you guessed it. Another blog entry! Woot! Not much really to write, but I have written a new poem (with Missy Higgins playing in the background so you know it's gonna be sappy and wildly exaggerated...) No particular reason. Just yeah, not feeling the greatest. But hey! I'll get there...yeah, so don't worry.

Oh and in other news...this blog has been viewed 1000 times! Wow, I feel special...or something...yeah, anyway....

Day by Day

I can remember when, I was safe
In a world of my own, my creation
Locked away in my tower, with no key
Hidden away from love, nothing to see

You saw something in me, I don't understand
Was it an innocence, in my land?
Locked in my tower with, nothing to be?
You found the door, and set me free

And for a small time, all was bright
I believed in you, shining your light
And together we thought, in our own world
That together we'd be, as love, our wings unfurled

But I had to leave, for a time
Thinking all the while that, it was a crime
I thought of you, everyday
And to see you soon, I prayed

Something happened there, when I was not there
Something changed in you, and I, fell into despair
That I would not find, you ever again
Would not see my rescuer, anymore then

I have been told that, all is well
Just keep holding on, time will tell
And I will have faith, but I'm not the same
Locked in my tower, I've been changed

And it is hard for me, to hold you
To my heart for next time, through and through
I just don't understand, was I not right?
Was I not good enough? did I, lose the fight?

Did you find someone better, than me, so free?
Was I a test to see if you, could unlock me?
Will you ever come back to give, me my key?
To hide me away, for none to see?

Here I am, torn, broken and confused
Feeling emotion, feeling, hurt and used
I don't blame you, who could?
I'm happy for you, as I should

I can't expect you, to change at all
For to do so, is to, lie and fall
Be true to yourself as, you were, when
You first found me and, find me then

I will hide away, in my tower
And lock the door with, all my power
I will lock the door, throw away the key
And wait for you, wait and see

I'll wait for that day, when you come nigh
And call for me, low and high
Day by day I wait, and behold a sight
Of a time before, when I, was your knight

I will fight for you, when you return
If nothing else I have, to learn
You can count on me, to be true
Wait I will until then, to be with you
Day by Day

Cheerio, D-Man

Proverb: "A problem will always be a problem until you can sneak up on it from an unsuspected angle."

Depression, moving, and Uni

2006-01-19T09:32:00.000+10:00

With a lot of thought....I STILL don't know what to write about! I've had a really tough week this week because of various things and I've been down a LOT! But I'm sick of being sick of it and I can't be stuffed writing about it...really! Let's just say I've been feeling not good enough for anything at all..ever...So, instead I'm going to take a step forward and focus on the positive of the week and see where I go from there.

Phil and LeeAnne moved into their new house on Monday. It is a totally AWESOME house!! So big and...big. Yep. I'm happy for them, they deserve it. I wen't over there at about 5:30PM to help with the moving and stuff...didn't stop really until about 11:00PM although a couple of mates didn't stop until around 3:30AM!! It was a huge job.

I have gotten my results back, and applied for a graduation in May. I'm finished Uni, it's official. So now I guess I'm a 'working class man' whatever that means...although I still don't have my degree yet..officially..

Faith in God is a very good thing. I've lost focus over this week, and that is a very BAD thing. The worst is though that even though I'm not depressed about what happened anymore, I'm depressed about being depressed. How silly can you get? I mean really? It's like a never ending cycle of depression. So I'm stopping it in it's tracks and going back to what I should be focusing on anyway. God. Awwwww yeah.

Cheerio, D-Man

Proverb: "Love is its own reward."

New photos

2006-01-16T09:46:00.000+10:00

Woot! Christmas photos up at last!

Cheerio, D-Man

The Ghost of Uni Past

2006-01-13T14:30:00.000+10:00

Well, my first week of full time work has just about come to a close. Not too different from casual work, but it still takes it out of you. I woke up regretting my alarm almost every day, which I haven't done for at least two months. Sorry I don't have my holiday photos up yet. Hopefully I'll have them up next week if I can remember to bring my CD with me before running out the door.

This week has been interesting in regards to self identification and character growth. I feel like God's showing me a lot about myself, and a lot of it isn't that good. But hey, at least He's working on me :) At least I can recognize it now. A lot of questions have been popping up about a lot of different subjects, and I don't have answers to them all, but I believe God is revealing the answers in time.

My lecturer has said that if I redo my assignment before the 16th Jan, he will give me a pass. Woot! I have redone it and handed it in. So that's it for uni from me! Finally finished.

Oh yeah, and how good is Narnia anyway! I loved it!! And that's all I'll say on that...

Resurrecting an old tradition...Proverbs! Yep :P I found a really good one the other day: "Love isn't love until you give it away." Awwwwww yeah....

Cheerio, D-Man

My trip to Brisbane

2006-01-11T11:43:00.000+10:00

Well, I'm back. Sorry it's taken so long to write, I haven't had a lot of time, especially on the net...so...yeah...

Brisbane was awesome! Apart from the weather, which I already knew was going to be horrendous. Nathan and Christine came up as well (my brother and sister in law)
We went to Warner Bros Movieworld for a day...(I'll have pics soon, I promise) It was ok, not as good as Dreamworld though. One of the rides, a water ride, had a sign cautioning that people might get wet! We figured it must've been by sweating in the big massive line out in the sun for 2 hours...yep. Ice skating was good also, although the rink was closed until the 2nd of January.

Christmas itself roxored. I woke up at around 6:30 (QLD time) by myself...without an alarm, as is my custom on Christmas...don't ask me why, it's as freaky to me as it is to you...But yeah, the day started of quite well...with you guessed it...SMS's!! Yay!! How good is it seriously! I have an awesome bunch of friends. Then the day progressed by raiding the stocking and opening presents. Breakfast I hear you say? Pfft what of it! We went to my aunty's for lunch and tea, which was ok, but the best part of my day was definitely 6:30am to 12:00pm ish.

New Years was another highlight, we had a friends and family party at my aunty's place, but there's not so much to talk about that day. Went swimming against caution, but it was ok, coz my ears didn't play up...(long story, I'll only tell it if you seriously POST me on the subject!!)

We went to the beach on the final night for tea, and played boche in the sand, there were all these little crabs running around! So cute!! Yep, anyway...We walked along the beach for about an hour. I love it!!

The rest of the time was basically spent watching movies, or shopping...(mmm shopping....)

Then packing started...and the long trip home...and here I am! Woot.

Cheerio, D-Man

These blues, shopping and BBQ's

2005-12-12T10:03:00.000+10:00

I am on a real downer at the moment. It started on Friday and it's just been there in the background. I know it's not cool, but I really don't know what to do about it. I got my results back. Failed one subject. Really sucks if I can't change my lecturer's mind, coz I'll have to go back to uni for another six months to do 1 subject. Erk. I really just don't know what to do anymore, and it's frustrating because I should. I suppose the only thing really to do is get into God.

I see myself slipping further and further away from what should be, without anyway of changing. I've been getting really frustrated with everything lately, getting cut really easily, and I know it's not a good thing, but I just can't seem to do anything about it. Switchfoot's song - These Blues off their Nothing is Sound album sums it up rather nicely. 'Is this the new year, or just another desperation. Is there anything at all besides these blues.'

Going to have Youth Band break-up tomorrow. Should be pretty good, we're doing a kris-kringle BBQ, I've been pumped all week for it, but at the moment, all I really want to do is go home and sleep. I have to do my Christmas shopping sometime this week before I go up to Brisbane to see my folks. Should be fun...I like shopping, what can I say? Yeah, anyway...new word for the day: Hebeashebea...was being spontaneous. It seems to be what I do best. :P

Cheerio, D-Man

Smashed upside the face

2005-12-05T09:28:00.000+10:00

Isn't it amazing how so often we can get caught up in our own lives, unaware of things happening around us, and then all of a sudden our protective bubble gets smashed and all we have left to hold on to is the promises of God? Hmmm...yeah, well that's happened to me this week. Stuff I thought I could handle, I obviously can't and now I keep dwelling on it instead of giving it to God. Kinda sucks for me I suppose, I'm pretty smashed at the moment and have given any expectations for the future back to God. I have no idea what to do, except trust that God will get me through this.

In other news, I'm going up to Brisbane for two weeks over Christmas, kinda looking forward to seeing the folks and dreading the weather at the same time, but hey. Anyway, sorry to bog you down with all that.

Until next time, D-Man

Random tests rock

2005-11-29T09:48:00.000+10:00

Don't you just love random tests...this one was kinda interesting and a bit freaky...not completely correct though...

***The Keys to Your Heart***

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

Sorry to just leave you with that...I haven't been able to write anything REALLY interesting lately, but I'll try in the near future so stay posted...(or you could just post )

Anyhoo, Cheerio, D-Man

Woot! New photos!!

2005-11-24T09:36:00.000+10:00

Yes! Finally! I have new photos for my blog, from camp, the bonfire and a random night at Phil's place...so...check them out!! I will add descriptions when I have time, (been kind of stealing seconds to put them up...)

Cheerio, D-Man

Exams = done

2005-11-22T12:04:00.000+10:00

Well, it's done, all exams are finished, thank goodness, I don't really feel a sense of achievement though, this last week has been really hectic and I'm just tired. So much stuff keeps happening in my life, I haven't had a normal week for about 7 months.

In other news: Giant cockroaches invade New York!! No really! I'm joking...yeah...

I can play piano heaps better now though, I can finally sight read chords and figure out bars of other stuff, starting to do a little bit of improv, not much yet though...aww yeah. I am completely baffled as to why I was able to pick up the piano so much in a matter of 3 or so months.

Hmm, so much change..my entire perception on life has changed in the last 6 months and it's hard to keep up with stuff anymore....all just part of growing up I suppose.

More when I get it, D-Man

Cards, Dreams, Uni life, and other situations

2005-11-17T14:29:00.000+10:00

A helluva lot of crap has been happening in my life lately, I think God has got me in the right place though, because I've been at almost perfect peace in these situations. I've been praying about it heaps and giving stuff to God, trying to make sure that I'm following His will and not acting out of my own desires. I think I'm under attack at the moment, but I have no idea why, except that maybe I'm on the right track. Damn it cuts though...makes me angry :)...yeah, but anyway, gotta keep praying, what else can I do?

Found a bible passage the other day that summed it pretty much up for me, 2 Timothy 3:1-9, New Century Version:

"1 Remember this! In the last days there will be many troubles, 2 because people will love themselves, love money, brag, and be proud. They will say evil things against others and will not obey their parents or be thankful or be the kind of people God wants. 3 They will not love others, will refuse to forgive, will gossip, and will not control themselves. They will be cruel, will hate what is good, 4 will turn against their friends, and will do foolish things without thinking. They will be conceited, will love pleasure instead of God, 5 and will act as if they serve God but will not have His power. Stay away from those people. 6 Some of them go into homes and get control of silly women who are full of sin and are led by many evil desires. 7 These women are always learning new teachings, but they are never able to understand the truth fully. 8 Just as Jannes and Jamres were against Moses, these people are against the truth. Their thinking has been ruined, and they have failed in trying to follow the faith. 9 But they will not be successful in what they do, because as with Jannes and Jambres, everyone will see that they are foolish."

I wrote out my dreams for the future the other day, as well as my vision, mission and purpose (all four are correlated)....it made me realize that there is so much more to it that I hadn't previously realized. A lot of stuff is going to have to happen that isn't even really related to my main dream before it can really come to pass. God's gonna have to do a crapload in my life, but that's good for me.

I have a ton of assignment work to do and not enough time to really do it in, unfortunately all my assignments are due in week 12...this week being week 11, erk...but hey, when it's over it's over....awwww yeah.

I've been having funky dreams lately, can't really remember them except that they weren't quite right, except for this one I had on Monday night last week, it was so vivid! For instance walking along a road for hours and hours and actually remembering everything that happened rather than in a normal dream where you might be walking and it would cut to the next scene with the impression that time had passed. There was this one point in the dream were (and I won't go into specifics because it's to personal) someone made it clear to me that I should be very careful about who I give my heart to, and I replied that I would give it to the person that God had for me and no one else, which they accepted. I think it was God inspired myself, just because of the timing, the vividness, the fact that I can still remember it after a week, the fact that God was in my dream (probably has to be a first for me), and yeah, just the stuff that was happening in my life at the time.

Oh and Phase Ten (aka Frustration) the card game is a totally awesome game...(so's card house building, got to 14.5 stories the other day..beat my dad's record of 14 finally!! woot!!) had heaps of fun with of over the last week. tis the shiznit....say that really fast 10 times and I'll give you a gold star :)

But anyhoo, I better let you get back to your mundane non-blogginess life :P Stay totally awesome for a while at least...
Cheerio, D-Man

...sorry no proverb today...I did have one...really...but I forgot...erk...yeah...maybe next time...

The end of it all....finally!

2005-11-08T13:39:00.000+10:00

Almost exams, I'm going through study week at the moment, soon, my pretties, soon it will all be over! *manic laugh* ...or something...anyways, life is coasting at the moment. The good the bad and the not so ugly have all happened and continue to happen daily, but hey, thats life. All in all it's a good life.

I've been going through a bit of one of "those times", but God's getting me through it, heaps of stuff has happened recently, and I've been getting worn down...feeling like I've had a woolen blanket wrapped around my head, and that I'm not good enough and all of that crap that happens when you just don't really have enough energy to do anything or feel anything. Been really focusing on my role in relationships with people and what God wants me to step up and be as I become a man. It seems like He's been revealing a bunch of things to me.

This Sunday was awesome...so was Monday for that matter, but yeah, the pastor spoke on simply abiding in Christ, letting God do all the work in You to help you become more in step with the Spirit, good stuff, and hard to put into practice if you're like me and easily become to focused on what you can do. I we just focus on relying on God in everything we do, and work on our relationship with God, then the change that happens is a by-product of that work, not on anything we as a human can affect.

Cheerio, D-Man

Faith and fiestas

2005-11-02T14:52:00.000+10:00

These last few weeks have been quite hectic (as you probably gathered from the last few entries.) I've been going through some stuff dealing with faith and doubts and holding onto the promises of God through it all. I believe that God is really trying to get me to step up in this area, it's been quite an interesting journey.

I've been learning that you don't have to have all the answers to hold onto something by faith. In fact the less answers and more opposition to the promise, the greater your faith needs to be to hold onto it...

At the moment I have a bit of a headache, and am finishing off my last assignment for the semester..gotta be happy with that...I still haven't really recovered from last week's work fest.

Listening to Radial Angel's - Suddenly Maybe ...damn good song (big fan :P)...

On Sunday I went to the Fiesta they had down in Creswick...was alright...except that it was to sunny! I dislike the sun immensely :)...not because I'm one of those guys who hides inside all the time behind a pc or whatever...just because I have pretty sensitive skin and 5 minutes out in the sun is enough to give me a sunburn...yeah...awkward...anyway..I went on one of those trampoline bungee things..It was fun for the first 2 minutes then I was absolutely stuffed! It uses a lot of strength in your wrists and legs in places that I didn't even know about! Worth the experience though. They had this police band there that went off! The drummer was cool, sang Vertigo - U2 from behind the drum kit! Awwww yeah, that takes skill..I reckon drums are one of the hardest instruments to sing and play at the same time...just in my opinion though.

Don't you love the way that songs can recall memories (for me) stronger than a heck of a lot of other things...Switchfoot - Meant to Live reminds me of camp last year, and Building 429 - No One Else Knows reminds me of camp this year, and I'm suddenly filled with a sense of loss at...damn I miss camp, those were some of the best times I've had....

Cheerio, Damian

Second Allnighter

2005-10-28T07:31:00.000+10:00

Woot for me! This is my 30th blog entry...I have been a busy bee...

Well, having survived my first attempt to get some work done...barely...I have decided to do it again!! Oh joy! First a recap. Got about 8 hours sleep that night, so not to bad, but not a catch up by any means. I had the shakes probably the worst I've ever had them yesterday, but Youth group was fun :) ...except that everyone was teasing me for having ...good hands... *blush* ... yeah anyway. I went for a drive with Widget, could barely keep my eyes open let alone focus on what he was saying so yeah we finally called it a night and I started on the best part of that day..unconsciousness...awwwww yeah!!! Which brings me to this point! er..if you leave out the rest that is. Anyway, staying at uni again tonight, so I'll be leaving another hour by hour update in this entry.

9:25PM Well once again I'm in this lab..not quite the same PC though..one row away. All is quiet, except for this guy on his phone. It's pretty much the same as last night? time....thing...a bunch of Indians are in here...I'm decked out in cds, workbooks, drinks, etc. only difference is I had less sleep to start the day on. My water is half full again. I just received two photos from this years youth camp (thanks a bunch, Jess, you rock!) So yeah, check 'em out...

10:51PM I'm actually feeling pretty good at the moment, it looks like I could actually finish this assignment tonight! Woot! A bunch of Indians have arrived, so the noise level is up a bit, but not too bad. I'm not actually to tired at the moment so I don't think I'll open my energy drinks for a few hours. I got two red eyes since the v yesterday left me with the shakes hardcore...lasted ALL day!!! kinda sucked. I swear, the effects seem to get worse and worse every time I have v.

11:50PM Yes, ten minutes before tomorrow..muhahaa. Not much happening still, even more Indians rocked up (these guys are hardcore when it comes to work apparently) My spontaneous message to everyone on the network kinda backfired when I got heaps of replies from people wanting to start 15min convos..doh, ah well. I've always wanted to do that since I came to uni.

12:58AM So yeah, time for another update. Currently listening to Switchfoot's new album 'Stars' for lack of anything better to listen to. My assignment is starting to click for me, even though I'm stuck on a particular part. Awww yeah. Might need to 'bustamove' soon...(find a bathroom for all you unenlightened heathens...yeah..I know what YOU were thinkin'). Having trouble getting another assignment working..a mate's trying to get it working at home and having trouble which means I get the wonderful wonderful job of troubleshooting via MSN...yep...

1:54AM Tonight seems way more productive for me than last time...although I seem to be getting a headache, and I keep seeing flashes out of the corner of my eye...and it's SO DAMN HOT IN HERE!!!! erk...

3:02AM Well, my assignment is getting frustrating, but at least I'm getting through it, and still got about 5-6 hours to work on it so it's all good. I'm really in the zone to work tonight I think...so awesome....I feel it's time to be slightly random...so...yer FACE!!! buy!

3:55AM Gah! So full of energy...I hate it! Always have hated that feeling of excitement just before something happens..its a pointless waste of body reserves, since you can't do anything with it but wait anyway, all it serves to do is make you really frustrated with how slowly everything goes! In other news...about half of the Indians have left the building, and I'm SO CLOSE to finishing my assignment...FINALLY! I have also finished my first bottle of red eye, but I'll wait about 15 minutes before I crack open the next one.

5:11AM Stating to get a little tired now. I reckon I've held up pretty well considering. Only a few things left to do and I'm done..woot! Two more assignments to go before the end of the day and I'll be done assignments forever..FOREVER!!! I just opened my second bottle of red eye..already I can feel the unholy energy of this evil drink flowing through my veins, making me shake with false energy....or something...

6:10AM The cleaner guy just came in again, so I guess this all-nighter is close to a wrap up. Here's to a very productive night..and I mean very productive....I got craploads done! Awwww yeah...thanks to God, energy drinks, Google, and Darcy, who was working on the same subject and didn't mind me asking him n00bish questions all night via MSN, you're a champ man ;)

7:27AM: Well, this is the last entry in my second all-nighter blog-a-long...cool word, huh, I just made it up then. The sun is shining and whereas some last minute stuff a popped up in my assignment, I think I can manage to have it fixed before 5:30 so all's well that ends well...I've had Lifehouse playing round and round for the last 3-4 hours...it's good, but it gets really old after you listen to it too much. Mmm breakfast of...whats this? Another apricot pie bar! Egad! Oh as a side note...over the period of this night I reached my 600th view..woot! Yeah exciting, huh..you can really tell I had a good night... :)

Cheerio, one tired lil monkey... *yawn*

First All-nighter and boredom

2005-10-26T07:41:00.000+10:00

What can I say...pulling an all nighter at uni can leave you very bored. It is 9:37PM at the moment and the future is looking gray...I haven't opened my energy drinks yet, and probably won't do so until at least 1:00AM...I'll keep updating this entry until the morning...so by tomorrow this should be an interesting entry...I hope...

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love chocolate
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books/magazines
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I’ve tried marijuana.
009. I’ve watched porn movies
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship!
012. I believe honesty is the best policy.
013. I have freckle free skin
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton. (who?)
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I’ve been told I have a nice butt.
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me 020. I've never broken anyone elses bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now. (who doesn't?)
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S
034. I shave my legs.
035. I have a twin. (I wish)
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be illegal.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty/hot. (er..no)
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I think that I’m popular.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto
056. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I’m obsessed with my blog!
058. I don’t hate anyone.
059. I’m a pretty good dancer. (Not yet)
060. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
061. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a mobile.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I’ve rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future either adopted/blood related.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I’ve had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I’m not allergic to anything deadly.

10:06PM ....Mark Schultz - He's My Son ....that's a damn FREAKIN AWESOME SONG! Gives me chills every time I hear it..

11:07PM hey, almost an hour exactly since my last entry. Well not much has happened...I'm starting to get dry eyes because of the heat in this lab..and my water's only half full....but yeah nothing substantial.
An old poem of mine, doesn't have a name...I wrote it during a difficult period of my life..you can probably guess the subject:

So many words caught up in my head, so many feelings and not enough said
For a moment so brief, you were there, helping me fly, helping me care

If you had tears, we would have cried together, if we had years, we would have lived forever
But the for irony of life not meant to be, the call of duty that called me away

Captivated lives, painfully aware, of things not said, of things not fair
Oh for another chance to do this right, but no, cannot think, cannot fight

To live without you, in this slow death, a life of loneliness in recompense
For a love, but a love lost also, a captivating thought, a single rose

Oh, for that perfect moment back again, where you and I were on track and when
I could run more than a thousand miles, just to be with you, just for a smile

"Fare thee well..." to a dear friend, life long dreams come to an end
For now, until we meet again, with broken hearts, each others to mend

So come with me now, to the completion, not enough done before life's conclusion
But hopefully enough learned to end a notion, that all you need in love is emotion

12:51AM Hmmm...I'm already getting a bit sluggish...might need to take a bit of a walk soon. The lab I'm in has about 10 Indian guys in here working on what appears to be Internet Design or something. Might crack open a bottle of the ol' red eye very shortly. The night life on MSN is very disappointing to say the least! Only a few uni people are on...no convos for me I guess...

1:45AM I've decided that I dislike Systems Programming immensely...why on earth is it even a core unit? It should be a specialist stream! It's not like the average Computing graduate is going to need to know how to write his own shells in UNIX after all! I don't have a problem with general programming units..ie Programming 1-3 but this is just crap. In other news, I've had a real craving for DC Talk and Newboys over the last few months...I really really want to get a copy of some cds!

2:42AM Been drinking a mouthful of red eye every 20 minutes or so...it has to last roughly 4 hours and then I can start on my V..which also has to last 4 hours...Hmmm...my headphones sound like crap for some reason, but only when one of the sides is on..when both are on it sounds fine...weird...anyway...back to work....

3:42AM Really feeling it now, started to drift a few minutes ago. Must...resist...temptation! Must....save...the Garlantian Empire...no wait!! Yeah anyway, I gotta keep a hold of sanity before I blaze a trail to destruction...Might need to get up and go for a walk soon...heidiho! Getting a bit peckish...I KNEW I should have brought a pack of timtams with me...doh...

4:46AM Woot! Only 3 3/4 hours to go until 8:30AM! Finished my red eye, onto the V now...also finished a self-assessment on being a team player...www.qualitiesofateamplayer.com...was quite shocked at some of the outcome scores, high and low...

5:58AM Erg...starting to drift again...time for some more V. The cleaners just came in and gave the place a rundown...rather unusual, he doesn't usually come in until around 8:00...One of the Indian guys is asleep on a bed made of chairs...there's only 4 of them left. After all that I haven't really got much work done...I mean I have got a heap done, but not as much as I thought I would. Lucky I'm doing this again on Thursday & maybe Friday night.

6:46AM Well, the last hour has been pretty uneventful...the Indian guy woke up, a few more came in. At the moment it look's like they're arguing over something...Oh did you know that if you go to Google or somewhere and use the language translation tool numerous times on the same phrase, it gets pretty messed up after a while...

7:35AM This concludes my all-nighter..whereas I wouldn't usually get up until around 8:00 and get to Uni by 9:30, what is two more hours anyway? Mmm.. breakfast of an apricot pie bar!? (random) And an orange juice..awwww yeah, it's like..all the comforts of home delivered right to your couch..I mean work desk. Those energy drinks are having their usual coming off side effects...the shakes, drowsiness, and possibly a headache later, but hey...couldn't survive without them right? right? anyways..

Until next time (hopefully not to soon), Cheerio D-Man

My Space

2005-10-25T17:36:00.000+10:00

Hey guys, just got a new MySpace..space...check it out:

http://www.myspace.com/damiangordongray Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Yeah, it's not much...yet...keep on checking this space for updates...

In other news...hmmm...I did have something, but it's gone, maybe next time

Catch

Problems & Piano

2005-10-10T15:22:00.000+10:00

Well, what's happening in my life? The confusion meter ticked up a few points in the last week. Ever been going on your merry way through life and something happens and just like that, you've been blown out of the sky and your falling? Yeah, well that happened to me today...kinda sucked! Garrr!! *sigh* God's will be done is all I can say, I don't think there's really anything I can do about it at the moment.

I picked up the piano a few weeks ago (not literally..ouch!)...piano rocks!! Can't believe I haven't ever really gotten into it before. According to some people I have a real talent for it...but then these people always say that, and they're biased about almost everything I do..(please don't hurt me! It's the truth!)..anyways I'll start making my own judgments in a few years methinks. I can play Planetshakers "Evermore" properly now though, and Tim Hughes "Here I am to Worship"...it's awesome!

Proverb of the day: "If God says you can, then who's gonna stop you?"

God's love letter

2005-10-03T14:03:00.000+10:00

Hey guys, just thought I'd share this with you all, I got it at camp and it really encouraged me and still continues to do so....

My child...
You may not know me, but I know everything about you...Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up...Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways...Psalm 139:3
Even the vary hairs on your head are numbered...Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image...Genesis 1:27
For you are my offspring...Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived...Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation...Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book...Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live...Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb...Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born...Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me...John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love...1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you...1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father...1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could...Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father...Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand...James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs...Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope...Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love...Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts towards you are countless as the sand on the seashore...Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing...Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you...Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession...Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul...Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things...Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me...Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart...Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires...Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine...Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager...2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles...2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are broken-hearted, I am close to you...Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart...Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes...Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth...Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus...John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed...John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being...Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you...Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins...2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled...2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you...1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love...Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me...1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again...Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen...Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father...Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is...Will you be my child?...John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you...Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad Almighty God

Wow, awesome stuff, cheerio, D-Man

God and Camp (aftermath)

2005-09-28T13:21:00.000+10:00

Hi all, sorry it's taken so long to write another blog entry...
(not like I don't have enough already :P) anyway...

Camp was AWESOME!!!!! but incredibly tiring. I think I got around 3-4hrs of sleep per night, with very strenuous physical activities each day. The walks were my favorite part. I loved every minute of it don't get me wrong, but bush walking and night walking with my closest friends is the definite highlight of the week. It was awesome just being with everyone for 4 days straight, watching them grow (and there was a lot of growth) and just hanging. I love you guys ;)!!

Haha! We played the best game, everyone got in this largish square of bush, and were divided into 4 teams. 18 people were 'herbivores' meaning that their main goal was to stay alive and collect 'food' points. The next group were the 'carnivores' (10) and their main aim was to stay alive and 'eat' the herbivores but tagging them. The next group was the 'humans' (4) who hunt the animals with guns, so if they see a herbivore or carnivore they yell 'bang you're dead' and get a point. Then there was me.....I mean 'diseases' :P (3) We had the onerous job of tagging anything that moved. By the end of the game I was giving 10 second bursts of movement and them pretty much collapsing for a minute. Apparently I had all the signs of really bad dehydration by the end of the game, alls I know is I was so damn smashed I fell asleep almost instantly upon hitting the couch.

Coming back was the biggest downer, not only were my sleeping habits, dietary habits screwed but I seemed to get really tired really easily for the first 5 days, and no one is around! So boring!! Ah well, I've learned heaps from this camp and can't wait for the next one. God rocks!

There was a heap of stuff that I had to spend hours praying about after coming home, just to get peace about certain situations in my life and in the youth group at the moment, but God came through (as always). I'm not worried about them in the slightest anymore, because I know that everything comes together for the glory of God in the end, doesn't matter what the hell happens, God ALWAYS pulls through.

"Winning is great, but winning a friend is the best..." - Anonymous

Cheeri until next time, 'lil D-Man

Addendum

2005-09-15T11:46:00.000+10:00

Haha, found a proverb for my last blog entry....

"80% of things we worry about never come to pass and the other 20% and half as bad as we think."

PS: Comments, comments, comments! Yes this means you!!

PPS: I need photos (of me)!! Can you send me some please!! Especially camp photos when you get 'em... ;)

God and camp

2005-09-14T16:24:00.000+10:00

You ever been so exited about something (like Christmas for example) that you got really jittery? I have and I hate it!! lol, the patience required..erk.....hurry up camp!!!

I was watching this Matt Redman DVD last night, and Loui Giglio was speaking on worship and stuff. Was very good, challenging in some areas. I think he had it right though, I've always wondered why God created us and Loui touched upon the subject. God is a very unselfish, kind generous God. He is also full of Himself :) not in an arrogant way, but for God not to be full of God would make Him less than God....(it's confusing I know, any questions, ask away). God didn't create us because He was lonely...how could He? He's with God the entire time. And to be with God means to be complete, he didn't create us because He was bored, how could you get bored by being with God? He created us because He in His generousness and complete unselfishness wanted to share some of His Godness, His greatness and awesomeness with someone other than Himself. How cool is that!!

Anyway, God, and camp are and are gonna be completely awesome!

Cheerio...

Sorry no proverb, haven't been able to find any good ones lately.